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I Relapsed - Need Encouraging Words Please

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FairyWispers

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2017
Messages
4
Hello. I'm a new poster. I've been a reader for quite a while. After many years as a pain pill addict I, like many others, fell into the cheaper and more accessible demon heroin. I've been snorting that for about 2 years. Crazy as I sound, I took pride in the fact that I didnt turn to the needle. (What a load of BS I fed myself!) Probably a 10 to 12 year active opiate addiction overall. I somehow managed to keep my life and career together but I'm miserable. I want off! I now have a legal script for Suboxone and that did help...for a little while.

The initial WD was HELL! The body aches and need to constantly move around in bed for 3 days before starting the subs was so bad that my elbows and knees were rubbed raw. Not only raw but a bloody mess from the tossing and turning. I cried and moaned and even screamed out. Just horrible. Thank God I didn't have access to a gun or I seriously may have ended my suffering. But I got through it.

But I was so very stupid. I caved and relapsed. For 2 days. I was just a couple of days shy of my 30 days heroin free. :( I lied to myself that I could handle it once in a while as long as I only kept my usage down to a day or 2. And the worst part is that I knew damn well I was lieing to myself and rationalizing (but I did it anyway.) I am so disappointed in myself. I am not out of money or anything like that - I just really want to stop the fall now before I lose ALL control and go on another multi-year bender. I feel like if I dont take back control now, I'll start a slide and this time I won't come back. And on the flip side Im terrified of the WD. And it's tempting to put that off until tomorrow or this weekend...or next week...or....well you see how the slope gets slippery!

How do you get past the disappointment? How do you grit your teeth and find your strength to face whatever WD punishment you must pay? I could really use some encouragement. Maybe some stories of people who did the same thing but went on to be successful in their PERMANENT recovery.

Im an intelligent, educated woman - but opiates make me so damn stupid. They will control me and my life until I die if I don't stop now. :( And I have so much to live for.

I have a huge financial mess to get straightened out and that seems to be part of my issue. Along with dealing with all those pesky emotions that I have been numbing for so long. It would be so easy to give in and "postpone" dealing with these things.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post.
 
Shame is the ultimate trap people fall into, and it keeps the cycle of addiction turning. I think another member put it well; imagine you as your own child. Would you shame them for this or would you try to encourage them and empower them to the greatness you know they are capable of. Also, trying to rationalize addiction with logic can be messy, because you've messed up your brain quite a bit that even with your knowledge of what could happen, you still are drawn towards using. And you and me both know that using will only inevitably create more problems that you are trying to hide from, otherwise we wouldn't even be here having this conversation hm?

Keep in mind that it takes people on average 7 attempts at quitting before they finally become sober. On average. It's not a dead set figure but should give you some insight that this is far from unusual. You shouldn't feel bad and should form a positive and understanding relationship with yourself that is not overly critical and stress inducing. Keep in mind that you might need some outside help as well, whether from rehab or therapy. Unfortunately the only way out of the hole is up, and using will only dig that hole deeper, and you will never feel satisfied in that hole, no matter what lies your mind is telling you right now.

I suggest meditation and exercise, that seems to be a godsend for...well most mental issues but in particular it is a great method for learning to cope with difficult emotions that you may have used drugs for. I think mindfulness will be your greatest tool in this battle. I wish you luck in your endeavors, This does not represent a moral failing for you. You are human.
 
Thanks so much for the quick reply and the kind words. :) I am actually working on meditation. It's funny you should mention that. Exercise is tough because I feel so blah and weak but I have found some peacefulness with Tai Chi.

Oh and I should've mentioned that this isn't my first attempt at getting clean but it IS the first attempt in a long time. I don't remember ever taking it as seriously as I do now. Or even being as honest with myself. As painful as it is.
 
Welcome to TDS.

I don't think telling yourself that you would never IV (and you never did) is BS, in fact I think that shows a certain strength of character. You should use this as encouragement in your recovery.

If you did postpone dealing with your financials, I would assume you would sink into a bigger hole of debt.

Lots of people slip up here and there, but if you can manage almost 30 days clean, I think you're definitely on the right track -- best of luck.
 
Thanks!

Today is a new day. I am holding on to every source of strength (and encouragement) I can find. :)
 
You can do it man. Everyday you will say you can't but you can. Just remember, going through WD for a few months is better than going through it every other day for the rest of your life.
 
30 days is GREAT...Don't be too hard on yourself and think of it more of a slip-up, not a Full Blown relapse. Like you said, you didn't blow all your money and you understand the power of H. I've done Heroin maybe 3 times my whole life and I'm 30+ yrs. old.

If I could go almost 30 days from taking any Etizolam...I would be Happy, and considered that weekend a treat, but I abuse my pills.
Keep your head up.
 
So Monday was pretty bad. But I didn't use. Tuesday kinda sucked too. Now it's Wednesday and it's mostly mental. I feel like I lost my best friend. What a warped relationship we build with our drug of choice!
 
I definitely understand where you are coming from my friend. I too am trying to quit using drugs and honestly it really is a pain in the ass when your constantly feeling the urge to use but just try to stay positive and do other things to keep your mind occupied. Remember not to be too hard on yourself cause we all make bad decisions in life, it's human nature. Best of luck on your journey to sobriety!
 
It happens, just keep moving forward no matter what. The worst thing you can do is judge yourself as that will lead to more self-punishment.
 
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