cj
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2008
- Messages
- 9,821
My life is in a bit of a downward spiral lately. I just got put on probation and I'm having a hard time complying with the drug tests. I get so nervous about pissing that a shake, sweat, and feel like I'm going to pass out it's miserable. To make it worse the tests are stupid frequent like I've had 3 since I started 10 days ago! I have real doubt of whether I'll make it too September.
I'm at 150mg of methodone. Being on that high a dose with the threat of jail time feels like living with a gun to my head. I would feel better if I got too a reasonable 80mg or so. I think that would be survivable if I had to unexpectedly kick. Of course being drug tested means I can't fuck with comfort meds to help the taper and my clinic will only drop in increments of 10mg so I'll need meds going down. I just don't feel motivated to drop because I'm so comfortable at this dose. I have no cravings and minimum side effects. But I know I need to or I may regret it later.
Overall I've been in a bad head space lately. I want to run away and start over so badly. I've been having suicidal thoughts and ive been self harming again to the point where I can't where short sleeves anymore. I tried to hit the artery in my wrist 2 nights ago but the blade dulled before I got to the tendons. I feel like such a freak and it seems no one knows how to help me or even what to do with me.
I'm tired.
I'm at 150mg of methodone. Being on that high a dose with the threat of jail time feels like living with a gun to my head. I would feel better if I got too a reasonable 80mg or so. I think that would be survivable if I had to unexpectedly kick. Of course being drug tested means I can't fuck with comfort meds to help the taper and my clinic will only drop in increments of 10mg so I'll need meds going down. I just don't feel motivated to drop because I'm so comfortable at this dose. I have no cravings and minimum side effects. But I know I need to or I may regret it later.
Overall I've been in a bad head space lately. I want to run away and start over so badly. I've been having suicidal thoughts and ive been self harming again to the point where I can't where short sleeves anymore. I tried to hit the artery in my wrist 2 nights ago but the blade dulled before I got to the tendons. I feel like such a freak and it seems no one knows how to help me or even what to do with me.
I'm tired.