Herointhavain
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2012
- Messages
- 2
WARNING I HAVE A POTTY MOUTH! If this is the wrong place please move to where you think it belongs mods, but i thought this was ticket
Wasn't sure where to post this but i feel like I'm watching my life pass by me and every bodies version of help just pushes me further away from everyone i care about, i guess i should start from the beginning....
I had been smoking weed for 3-3.5 years, but i've tried everything under the sun. I was doing pretty much whatever i found, barely scraping by on $200 income a fortnight. I wasn't doing anything with my life, i had became a druggo and it was consuming my life but i was still having fun. Still had smiles everyday, i had my girl, we had an apartment, i felt a hell of a lot better than i do right now, i had a lot of free time because i wasn't working at the time. My anxiety has always made it very difficult to do simple things like talk to people i don't know but have to talk to, even the guy behind the counter spooked me when i bought my groceries. I couldn't make phone calls without help (which made me feel quite pathetic), I can't even look someone in the eye when i talked to them, i just can't do it and believe me i really wish i could but i just can't. (don't give me the face my fears crap, it did not work for me and I'm still trying so just F off ya arrogant wankers!).
It all went to shit when we took on two roommates and i wanted them to move out because they we're pigs and left shit everywhere, but my GF of the time kept backing out, she would agree on kicking them out but when it came to doing it she would always come up with BS to not throw them out on their disgusting stoner arse's. It didn't help that one of the people staying who was my *best mate* at school, had cheated on his GF with mine, which of course meant that my GF at the time had cheated on me. We'd broken up and got back together because i decided i really cared and was willing to forgive her, even though i should have just told her to fuck off from day one. I guess i had gotten acclimatized to her so it made it harder to leave. Anyway this basically meant that i had to see that fuckers face every day and not throw him off the balcony, wish i did or through the window he broke. Anyway My EX-GF but GF at the time starting acting funny.
Coming home late with no explanation, apparently a 20 minute drive took an hour and a half and she came straight home then got straight in the shower. I was sussed out because she kept saying nothing had happened and that she came straight home when clearly she hadn't, like and then changed the story to incorporate new things like "i think we went to maccas but i don't remember". I smelt bullshit and was like wtf did you do, but she kept denying over and over again so i guess i just accepted it rather than break up with her (i must not have been very strong at this point). But it was huge thing to me, 90 minutes doesn't just disappear and you'd think you would remember the whole trip if you came straight home and was sober all the time like she was. At this point i took it a bit far, but there was white stains in her underwear, I know some girls leaves stains but not like that. That's a boy stain like shit but she kept denying and i accepted it because she got angry very quickly and i didn't want to fight about it. I wanted to know wtf happened that would make it take so long, maccas drive through is 5 min down the street. Then the story changed again, suddenly she knew why it took so long, they for some retarded reason drove to the other side of town and back for the MacDonalds over that side..... I asked why, she said for fun then laughed, i think i know why she laughed...
Anyway not drug related but this was big, i started using again because if she was gonna lie to me so blatantly i might as well go use to kill my pain (pretty dumb but i was young and full of fun). I then started wooing her again in an effort to reignite out relationship, but i just couldn't do anything right even when i was doing everything right. Always had to winge about something, whether it was the fact that the house wasn't clean when i was the only mutha fucka cleaning it or something else. It was just always my fault and I'm the sort of guy who will take things like that seriously and actually try to do better but it was never enough, hell if i cleaned the whole house i wouldn't even get a thank you. I basically started asking her to take the relationship and me more seriously or its over, but she guilt tripped or yelled at me like i did something wrong, then be wanting to get back together so i could cuddle her to sleep. I'm a sucker i gotta say, as soon as i see the puppy dog eyes i give in and try to be a good guy. Now at this point a guy i know very very well started thieving shops for DVDs etc so basically next thing my GF of the time knows i'm filling her house up with thoughtful gifts based around what she likes, I was really giving everything i could. Granted it was stolen, but we were pretty broke.
My Junk habit had been almost every day for 2 weeks at this point, she read my text messages and saw a message from one of my mates asking what was up. I had pin marks on my arm but i still hadn't told the GF of the time at that point because i knew that she wouldn't take it well and it wasn't really that bad of a habit at that point. Now with no evidence what soever she wanted to see my arms, like just assumed that i had junk because i was talking to someone who she knew liked a bit of Junk every now and then. I'd tried it before this point so obviously to her i was a user again, i told her to f off because i felt that if she wasn't gonna be honest with me then why should i be honest with her, i know i should've for the sake of maturity but i had sorta learnt that she wasn't gonna start being honest just because i was honest. Eventually she told me to gtfo or show her my arms, even though we had a joint ownership of the flat and i payed rent every fortnight with half of the money i earned. So she saw my arms and started a fight, called me a junkie and basically said i was on my own and she wasn't gonna help me get through it. Then gave me 3 days to get off the junk, which isn't even possible usually, because usually withdrawals last longer than that.
But i tried i really did, i told her okay I'll detox starting tomorrow as i had already used that day. My detox begun the next day but when i woke up to see her getting ready to leave, she said to me "I bet your gonna use today." I told her that if she said things like that its gonna make it very difficult for me but she just laughed and said "see, told you that your gonna use." Now of course i was fiend-ing but not withdrawing at that point, i decided i was gonna prove her wrong and detox anyway. When she came home that night i had been withdrawing since mid day, i told her that i hadn't used and that i proved her wrong. She then said "yeh well you'll probably just ending up using tomorrow then." This really took the wind out of my sails, i got a bit cranky but still kept going on with the detox. I really wanted to prove to her that i wasn't a junkie, so it goes through to the next day and shes the same doubtful and unsupportive girl she had been the day before. This still didn't stop me until that night, she was in a good mood because i guess she just liked the fact that i had spent the whole day in between the shower and the heater trying to stay warm, which was impossible!.
Then my mate calls me and asks if i want a hit, his got some extra and its his shout. I told my GF of the time and she said "Well what are you waiting for go get it then". I caved, down the street i went and my addiction continued, i had failed but planned to try again in a couple of days. I was gonna show her i could do it, i really wanted to restore her faith, looking back i wish i had just broken up with her and told the others to GTFO of my house or I'd call the cops and tell them exactly where the guy they were looking for is. But i didn't, i let her have her way and kept trying to prove i wasn't a junkie. I realize now that its not something i could've done, there's just no way to change someones mind if they're gonna be that narrow minded about it. Anyway another few weeks went by, in those weeks she told all my friends i was a worthless junkie. threatened to kick me out every other day, kept telling me to my face that i was a junkie.... i started to lose my shit. I started lying so she wouldn't have reason to start bullshit arguments that she just started to try and make me feel bad about using, saying shit like i was fucking her life up when i was just trying to make things right and she wasn't letting me. I know i should've been quitting but its very difficult when someone keeps telling you about what your addicted to and how much you want it.
I got depressed, really depressed and started using every day more than once a day. I was doing things that i'm not proud of but at the time it felt like i was losing the one i loved without any chance of making it better. I think at this point she had already decided to break up with me and was just staying with me and treating me worse everyday in hope that i would break up with her so she wouldn't have to do the hard work. Things took a downhill turn one night and i went out and got an amount that i thought i would overdose on, i really just felt like there was nothing i could do to stop this horrible shit happening that just kept on happening again an again. I started crying when i was alone, i don't know if anyone knows what its like to burst into tears when your alone but its one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced. I didn't od, but for the first time the the junk didn't make me feel better but worse instead. I hadn't told my GF of the time that i had tried to OD until the next day when she got home, to me it was showing her that she was the only person i could trust with these feelings. What a mistake that was, she told me i was lying and just trying to guilt trip her. I wasn't and didn't even know why she would think such a thing, i later worked out that her suicide attempt when we had broke up the first time was a guilt trip, only i showed caring. She told me if its true that i wanted to do it i already would have and wouldn't have told her. I guess i told her because secretly i needed someone to tell me that i shouldn't do it and that people did care, but when she reacted like that i couldn't even comprehend how she could be so inhumane towards me.
Like i was less than human, now i know that feeling all too well... I just got more and more desperate, my mind was foggy 96% of the time and what i should have seen coming from a mile away happened. She broke up with me and told me that i had 5 days to get off the junk or it was over for good and i would have to move out, so i took that as i still had a chance. Which was complete and utter bullshit i know, but she told me to keep stringing me along and to stop me from crying because when the person you love tells you that they don't care about something like what i was planning... I hadn't even phrased it like a guilt trip, i told her that I'd been thinking about topping myself and i wanted her to know i always cared but i couldn't see my life going anywhere. It wasn't get back together with me or I'll kill myself like she pulled on me a year ago and i actually came to her house to talk to her in the middle of the night when we weren't dating.
A week down the track i was in hospital, i've never showed so much weakness to a person but it was never a guilt trip like she kept accusing me of. I really actually loved her a lot and the fact that the person i had poured so much love, caring and effort and affection into, was refusing to believe a word i say or give me support i desperately needed. Basically deserted me, when i had given her so many second chances it wasn't funny...i didn't even get one. (i won't go into it but we'd had a few break ups because i felt that she didn't respect me, like getting drunk and then kissing a guy, then she would say "no i do, i love you" then I would eventually give her another chance because i never wanted to end on bad terms), a couple of times i got back with her when i didn't want to but she had kept asking again and again. Eventually she got me when i was on a drug of some kind and would then ask over and over, eventually i caved.
Shit got out of hand and this is hard to admit... i had OD'd on nurofen+ while at a concert because i was in withdrawals and i wanted a bit of peace before the end, instead all i got was blind anger from her and a tummy ache. When we arrived at the hospital i was in tears, and basically refused to go in till she showed me that she cared instead of rolling her eyes and acting like i was a bad little kid that needed to do what his told.... I tried to inject air then i hid in an alleyway waiting to die with my phone off, drinking heavily. Eventually i turned my phone on from boredom and was carted off to hospital, only because she send me a message that she would get back together with me if i did. I found out pretty soon that it was bullshit, when i arrived at hers that night i slept alone like i had been for the last few nights. Except when she asked me to be her teddy bear that wasn't gonna happen, i finally came to my senses. Realized that i didn't have a chance with her still and should just move out and leave her with her own mess. That's what i did.
Its been almost 4-5 months since this happened, i still feel like shit everyday but i have stopped all my drug use except for suboxone. This was an important lesson for me, never again will i ever expect anyone to give a fuck about me. I'm not gonna show emotion like that again, i ain't gonna fucking cry, no weakness here and I'm sure as hell not gonna let a girl have that power over me again.
A week later after the hospital incident i got onto Suboxone program and stabilized at 16mg, two weeks later i made plans to see a psychiatrist and i saw him recently. I'm now living back at home with my family which is fucking hell ever since i told them that i am a heroin addict although i suppose now I'm a Suboxone addict. Which they all seem to think was a great idea and shows great initiative on my part, I'm already regretting getting on the shit, should've detoxed but i guess i probably just wasn't in the right place back when i could have. a week of hell is one thing, but i don't think i could last a month in withdrawals. I am now at 4mg's after spending 3 months reducing, but once you get to 2mgs you can't go lower. You have to detox off 2mg...In the part of Aus i live anyway.
Any point switching to methadone? i swear suboxone is starting to lose effect, i got down to 2mg and was on 2mg for 1 weeks 5 days but then i started getting withdrawals and had to go back up but even that isn't helping me like it should. Its weird i would've thought that after a week at 2mg i would be stabilized. Its fucking annoying as i don't want to go on methadone if i can help it but suboxone is fucking shit and i always crave opiates on it even if i have a ridiculous dose.
I have to do some browsing that took a lot out of me, but it feels good to let out all this crap ya'know. sorry if i posted in wrong section or made anyone feind
Wasn't sure where to post this but i feel like I'm watching my life pass by me and every bodies version of help just pushes me further away from everyone i care about, i guess i should start from the beginning....
I had been smoking weed for 3-3.5 years, but i've tried everything under the sun. I was doing pretty much whatever i found, barely scraping by on $200 income a fortnight. I wasn't doing anything with my life, i had became a druggo and it was consuming my life but i was still having fun. Still had smiles everyday, i had my girl, we had an apartment, i felt a hell of a lot better than i do right now, i had a lot of free time because i wasn't working at the time. My anxiety has always made it very difficult to do simple things like talk to people i don't know but have to talk to, even the guy behind the counter spooked me when i bought my groceries. I couldn't make phone calls without help (which made me feel quite pathetic), I can't even look someone in the eye when i talked to them, i just can't do it and believe me i really wish i could but i just can't. (don't give me the face my fears crap, it did not work for me and I'm still trying so just F off ya arrogant wankers!).
It all went to shit when we took on two roommates and i wanted them to move out because they we're pigs and left shit everywhere, but my GF of the time kept backing out, she would agree on kicking them out but when it came to doing it she would always come up with BS to not throw them out on their disgusting stoner arse's. It didn't help that one of the people staying who was my *best mate* at school, had cheated on his GF with mine, which of course meant that my GF at the time had cheated on me. We'd broken up and got back together because i decided i really cared and was willing to forgive her, even though i should have just told her to fuck off from day one. I guess i had gotten acclimatized to her so it made it harder to leave. Anyway this basically meant that i had to see that fuckers face every day and not throw him off the balcony, wish i did or through the window he broke. Anyway My EX-GF but GF at the time starting acting funny.
Coming home late with no explanation, apparently a 20 minute drive took an hour and a half and she came straight home then got straight in the shower. I was sussed out because she kept saying nothing had happened and that she came straight home when clearly she hadn't, like and then changed the story to incorporate new things like "i think we went to maccas but i don't remember". I smelt bullshit and was like wtf did you do, but she kept denying over and over again so i guess i just accepted it rather than break up with her (i must not have been very strong at this point). But it was huge thing to me, 90 minutes doesn't just disappear and you'd think you would remember the whole trip if you came straight home and was sober all the time like she was. At this point i took it a bit far, but there was white stains in her underwear, I know some girls leaves stains but not like that. That's a boy stain like shit but she kept denying and i accepted it because she got angry very quickly and i didn't want to fight about it. I wanted to know wtf happened that would make it take so long, maccas drive through is 5 min down the street. Then the story changed again, suddenly she knew why it took so long, they for some retarded reason drove to the other side of town and back for the MacDonalds over that side..... I asked why, she said for fun then laughed, i think i know why she laughed...
Anyway not drug related but this was big, i started using again because if she was gonna lie to me so blatantly i might as well go use to kill my pain (pretty dumb but i was young and full of fun). I then started wooing her again in an effort to reignite out relationship, but i just couldn't do anything right even when i was doing everything right. Always had to winge about something, whether it was the fact that the house wasn't clean when i was the only mutha fucka cleaning it or something else. It was just always my fault and I'm the sort of guy who will take things like that seriously and actually try to do better but it was never enough, hell if i cleaned the whole house i wouldn't even get a thank you. I basically started asking her to take the relationship and me more seriously or its over, but she guilt tripped or yelled at me like i did something wrong, then be wanting to get back together so i could cuddle her to sleep. I'm a sucker i gotta say, as soon as i see the puppy dog eyes i give in and try to be a good guy. Now at this point a guy i know very very well started thieving shops for DVDs etc so basically next thing my GF of the time knows i'm filling her house up with thoughtful gifts based around what she likes, I was really giving everything i could. Granted it was stolen, but we were pretty broke.
My Junk habit had been almost every day for 2 weeks at this point, she read my text messages and saw a message from one of my mates asking what was up. I had pin marks on my arm but i still hadn't told the GF of the time at that point because i knew that she wouldn't take it well and it wasn't really that bad of a habit at that point. Now with no evidence what soever she wanted to see my arms, like just assumed that i had junk because i was talking to someone who she knew liked a bit of Junk every now and then. I'd tried it before this point so obviously to her i was a user again, i told her to f off because i felt that if she wasn't gonna be honest with me then why should i be honest with her, i know i should've for the sake of maturity but i had sorta learnt that she wasn't gonna start being honest just because i was honest. Eventually she told me to gtfo or show her my arms, even though we had a joint ownership of the flat and i payed rent every fortnight with half of the money i earned. So she saw my arms and started a fight, called me a junkie and basically said i was on my own and she wasn't gonna help me get through it. Then gave me 3 days to get off the junk, which isn't even possible usually, because usually withdrawals last longer than that.
But i tried i really did, i told her okay I'll detox starting tomorrow as i had already used that day. My detox begun the next day but when i woke up to see her getting ready to leave, she said to me "I bet your gonna use today." I told her that if she said things like that its gonna make it very difficult for me but she just laughed and said "see, told you that your gonna use." Now of course i was fiend-ing but not withdrawing at that point, i decided i was gonna prove her wrong and detox anyway. When she came home that night i had been withdrawing since mid day, i told her that i hadn't used and that i proved her wrong. She then said "yeh well you'll probably just ending up using tomorrow then." This really took the wind out of my sails, i got a bit cranky but still kept going on with the detox. I really wanted to prove to her that i wasn't a junkie, so it goes through to the next day and shes the same doubtful and unsupportive girl she had been the day before. This still didn't stop me until that night, she was in a good mood because i guess she just liked the fact that i had spent the whole day in between the shower and the heater trying to stay warm, which was impossible!.
Then my mate calls me and asks if i want a hit, his got some extra and its his shout. I told my GF of the time and she said "Well what are you waiting for go get it then". I caved, down the street i went and my addiction continued, i had failed but planned to try again in a couple of days. I was gonna show her i could do it, i really wanted to restore her faith, looking back i wish i had just broken up with her and told the others to GTFO of my house or I'd call the cops and tell them exactly where the guy they were looking for is. But i didn't, i let her have her way and kept trying to prove i wasn't a junkie. I realize now that its not something i could've done, there's just no way to change someones mind if they're gonna be that narrow minded about it. Anyway another few weeks went by, in those weeks she told all my friends i was a worthless junkie. threatened to kick me out every other day, kept telling me to my face that i was a junkie.... i started to lose my shit. I started lying so she wouldn't have reason to start bullshit arguments that she just started to try and make me feel bad about using, saying shit like i was fucking her life up when i was just trying to make things right and she wasn't letting me. I know i should've been quitting but its very difficult when someone keeps telling you about what your addicted to and how much you want it.
I got depressed, really depressed and started using every day more than once a day. I was doing things that i'm not proud of but at the time it felt like i was losing the one i loved without any chance of making it better. I think at this point she had already decided to break up with me and was just staying with me and treating me worse everyday in hope that i would break up with her so she wouldn't have to do the hard work. Things took a downhill turn one night and i went out and got an amount that i thought i would overdose on, i really just felt like there was nothing i could do to stop this horrible shit happening that just kept on happening again an again. I started crying when i was alone, i don't know if anyone knows what its like to burst into tears when your alone but its one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced. I didn't od, but for the first time the the junk didn't make me feel better but worse instead. I hadn't told my GF of the time that i had tried to OD until the next day when she got home, to me it was showing her that she was the only person i could trust with these feelings. What a mistake that was, she told me i was lying and just trying to guilt trip her. I wasn't and didn't even know why she would think such a thing, i later worked out that her suicide attempt when we had broke up the first time was a guilt trip, only i showed caring. She told me if its true that i wanted to do it i already would have and wouldn't have told her. I guess i told her because secretly i needed someone to tell me that i shouldn't do it and that people did care, but when she reacted like that i couldn't even comprehend how she could be so inhumane towards me.
Like i was less than human, now i know that feeling all too well... I just got more and more desperate, my mind was foggy 96% of the time and what i should have seen coming from a mile away happened. She broke up with me and told me that i had 5 days to get off the junk or it was over for good and i would have to move out, so i took that as i still had a chance. Which was complete and utter bullshit i know, but she told me to keep stringing me along and to stop me from crying because when the person you love tells you that they don't care about something like what i was planning... I hadn't even phrased it like a guilt trip, i told her that I'd been thinking about topping myself and i wanted her to know i always cared but i couldn't see my life going anywhere. It wasn't get back together with me or I'll kill myself like she pulled on me a year ago and i actually came to her house to talk to her in the middle of the night when we weren't dating.
A week down the track i was in hospital, i've never showed so much weakness to a person but it was never a guilt trip like she kept accusing me of. I really actually loved her a lot and the fact that the person i had poured so much love, caring and effort and affection into, was refusing to believe a word i say or give me support i desperately needed. Basically deserted me, when i had given her so many second chances it wasn't funny...i didn't even get one. (i won't go into it but we'd had a few break ups because i felt that she didn't respect me, like getting drunk and then kissing a guy, then she would say "no i do, i love you" then I would eventually give her another chance because i never wanted to end on bad terms), a couple of times i got back with her when i didn't want to but she had kept asking again and again. Eventually she got me when i was on a drug of some kind and would then ask over and over, eventually i caved.
Shit got out of hand and this is hard to admit... i had OD'd on nurofen+ while at a concert because i was in withdrawals and i wanted a bit of peace before the end, instead all i got was blind anger from her and a tummy ache. When we arrived at the hospital i was in tears, and basically refused to go in till she showed me that she cared instead of rolling her eyes and acting like i was a bad little kid that needed to do what his told.... I tried to inject air then i hid in an alleyway waiting to die with my phone off, drinking heavily. Eventually i turned my phone on from boredom and was carted off to hospital, only because she send me a message that she would get back together with me if i did. I found out pretty soon that it was bullshit, when i arrived at hers that night i slept alone like i had been for the last few nights. Except when she asked me to be her teddy bear that wasn't gonna happen, i finally came to my senses. Realized that i didn't have a chance with her still and should just move out and leave her with her own mess. That's what i did.
Its been almost 4-5 months since this happened, i still feel like shit everyday but i have stopped all my drug use except for suboxone. This was an important lesson for me, never again will i ever expect anyone to give a fuck about me. I'm not gonna show emotion like that again, i ain't gonna fucking cry, no weakness here and I'm sure as hell not gonna let a girl have that power over me again.
A week later after the hospital incident i got onto Suboxone program and stabilized at 16mg, two weeks later i made plans to see a psychiatrist and i saw him recently. I'm now living back at home with my family which is fucking hell ever since i told them that i am a heroin addict although i suppose now I'm a Suboxone addict. Which they all seem to think was a great idea and shows great initiative on my part, I'm already regretting getting on the shit, should've detoxed but i guess i probably just wasn't in the right place back when i could have. a week of hell is one thing, but i don't think i could last a month in withdrawals. I am now at 4mg's after spending 3 months reducing, but once you get to 2mgs you can't go lower. You have to detox off 2mg...In the part of Aus i live anyway.
Any point switching to methadone? i swear suboxone is starting to lose effect, i got down to 2mg and was on 2mg for 1 weeks 5 days but then i started getting withdrawals and had to go back up but even that isn't helping me like it should. Its weird i would've thought that after a week at 2mg i would be stabilized. Its fucking annoying as i don't want to go on methadone if i can help it but suboxone is fucking shit and i always crave opiates on it even if i have a ridiculous dose.
Has anyone had any luck using kratom to stave withdrawals? Anyone know how much of Premium product would be equivalent to 4mg suboxone? i know it varies but my friends have a source. Or am i on too much sub for this stuff? I just reckon it would be ten times easier to do a reduction on a shorter lasting opiate that i can dose when i need too with any dose i feel is appropriate and don't have dumb arse nurses who think 8-12mg is small telling me what to do. They told me that a high dose is 24mg but i heard that anything over 16mg is completely pointless.
Anyway i was thinking at starting at 5Grams morning and night and increasing by 2grams a day till stabalized, maybe quicker if it is nowhere near enough. Ofcourse tea is my ROA, or can i eat it in capsules? Would it be any less potent as tea if i boiled it for a little while then removed the excess plant matter?
Anyway i was thinking at starting at 5Grams morning and night and increasing by 2grams a day till stabalized, maybe quicker if it is nowhere near enough. Ofcourse tea is my ROA, or can i eat it in capsules? Would it be any less potent as tea if i boiled it for a little while then removed the excess plant matter?
I have to do some browsing that took a lot out of me, but it feels good to let out all this crap ya'know. sorry if i posted in wrong section or made anyone feind
I am glad you decided to come to TDS to get this off of your back. IT seems like you've been lacking a lot of compassion from others that you deserve and you will find it here.
