Venting I realized that my abusers will never truly take responsibility for what they did

[arrall]

Last night, I had the realization that my abusers will never truly take responsibility for what they did to me and how much they fucked me up. This isn’t something that is easy for me to share, but Bluelight is one of the most supportive communities I’m lucky enough to be a member of so I decided to come here for support.

For context, my “parents” physically abused me from ages 3-17 and have emotionally + verbally abused me for essentially my entire life. My father has extremely narcissistic tendencies resembling NPD while my mother seems to suffer from other issues, primarily a lack of empathy + extreme obsessive tendencies. This has left me with a variety of issues including two that are in all cases exclusively caused by childhood and/or other long-term trauma (CPTSD and a dissociative disorder.) Any attempt to confront them about it always ends in disaster. Even mentioning to my father what he did or making a joke about it is enough to cause him to go into a rage. He’ll go to great lengths just to attempt to fuck up my life and ruin things for me out of spite.

Last night, I attempted to talk to my parents about it and my dad started having one of his “adult temper tantrums.” He went into a rage and started trying to find something he could ruin for me. Later on, he claimed that as a child I assaulted him more than he assaulted me. For context, one incident that he considers assault is from when I was 12. He came into my room and started shoving a toy lizard in my face because he was bored and wanted attention, and when I threw it at him he smacked me over the head. I don’t think he comprehends the fact that a man in his mid 40s can do far more damage to a pre-teen child than vice-versa. That was one of the milder incidents of physical abuse out of the hundreds to thousands that occurred, as they got much worse and more frequent as I got older.

Without making this post too long, the argument ended with my parents saying that their abuse of me and kicking me out for weeks on end traumatized them too. My dad told me that “you traumatized us at least as much as we traumatized you, possibly moreso.” This shit just broke me. Even all of the half-assed apologies I got alá “I’m sorry, but you deserved it because…” or finally getting “I shouldn’t have hit you as a kid” a few months ago were insincere and meant nothing. My parents will never truly accept that everything they did to me was wrong and undeserved. I will never have that validation or acceptance. And I don’t know what to do about that beyond attempting to accept it.

As for handling my parents, beyond the standard methods of handling narcissists of attempting to minimize contact and showing as little reaction as possible to what they say while not taking them seriously, I don’t think there’s really much to do.

I had some bad nightmares about my abuse (some of which were so bad that I hope that they are not based on real incidents) and have been feeling very down and out of it today.

To make matters worse, when I turned to a couple friends for support one of them was very helpful but my “best friend” was not at all understanding and basically blamed the situation on me for “not just shutting up and being nice to them.” I don’t really want to get into that right now but it’s certainly taking a toll on our friendship and he doesn’t seem to understand why.

Thanks to anyone who read this far for listening to me rant. If you have any advice or words of support, I would appreciate hearing them. Hope everyone else is doing well.

 

[CFC]

So sorry to read about your experiences arrall, it's clearly been hell for you

It sounds like you've developed quite a mature understanding of how things went during your childhood and how things are and feel now, and also your parent's personalities and behavior.

So can I ask what it is you really want from them, knowing as you already do that they will not accept any blame for the abuse they caused you? Is it that you're struggling to find a way to emotionally accept that?

 

[arrall]

So can I ask what it is you really want from them, knowing as you already do that they will not accept any blame for the abuse they caused you? Is it that you're struggling to find a way to emotionally accept that?

I think that it is likely:

1. Struggling to emotionally accept that they are likely never going to get better or take any blame for what they did
2. That they will continue to have a massive negative emotional impact on me for as long as I am around them
3. That I will need to find a way to minimize the contact I have with them and remove any control that they have over aspects of my life (housing, finances)

As per #3, while I have concealed my age to maintain anonymity and ensure that it does not affect people's perceptions of me, I am only 18 and still living with my parents. The effect that my trauma had on my mental health has led to me being behind and not graduating high school in June as I was supposed to. My father also currently has control of over 95% of my money and refuses to let me touch it, often using it as a manipulation tool.

The other thing that is taking a big toll on me is realizing that my best friend of 5 years - who frequently talks about his own trauma of emotional neglect/abuse - seems to sometimes lack empathy for those with their own trauma, or at least for me. Last night, when we were hanging out and I went for a walk to go call a friend because he wasn't being supportive or helpful, he called that friend (who is a month sober) a "drug addict loser" while I was on the phone with said friend. After I got off the phone and confronted him, he refused to apologize or say that he shouldn't have said that.

Lately, it feels like he's just been trying to pull me down to make himself feel better (which he has admitted to in the past) and has been clearly making jokes at my expense when on the phone with other people while I'm in the room. While he's been a good friend most of the time in the past, I'm appalled by how little he seems to support me with my family issues when I have always made an effort to be there for him with his. I'm just ignoring him right now and keeping my distance. If I try to talk to him, I'll probably end up going off on him with everything that I've said here + more and I don't think that would help the situation. I hope that I won't end up having to cut him out, but right now I really don't like how he's been acting for the past 24 hours or so.

 

[axe battler]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. It sounds like a very difficult situation that doesn't really have an easy answer sadly.
What I do know from my own experiences is that I get on a lot better with my parents since I moved away from home, and any time were forced to spend a lot of time together we grate on eachother.
Hopefully you can get your own place/money soon and then work on your issues with eachother, if that's possible.
It could be that it may be healthier to accept you're very different people, and civility is about all you can hope for, which sucks and may require work as well.
Either way good luck.

 

[CFC]

Many people with personalities like those you describe for your parents will use any and every means at their disposal to maintain control or power in relationships with those around them.

So if you assume that you cannot change them or their behavior (you likely can't, since they appear to lack much conscience or empathy), and that your efforts to leverage their behavior and attitude more positively towards you will thus never work because it would deprive them of some of their power or control over you, then the only thing you really can change in that scenario is your strategy for managing them, and your own plans and reactions to their behavior.

Part of that would almost certainly involve distancing yourself from their orbit. It would probably be helpful for you to start planning a way to move away from them, and to gain more financial independence from them. Initially, this might involve 'playing along' and trying to improve relations with them, to reduce their concern that you're trying to sever links with them or some of their control over you - until you're more prepared to make that break.

As for your friend, maybe you also need to re-evaluate your relationship there as well, and consider whether their presence in your life is more draining than rewarding? It can be hard to drop what we believe are 'toxic' friends, but they are often only in our lives more out of habit than because they're particularly special or life enhancing. Something to think about, at least.

 

[yubacity]

Last night, I had the realization that my abusers will never truly take responsibility for what they did to me and how much they fucked me up. This isn’t something that is easy for me to share, but Bluelight is one of the most supportive communities I’m lucky enough to be a member of so I decided to come here for support.

For context, my “parents” physically abused me from ages 3-17 and have emotionally + verbally abused me for essentially my entire life. My father has extremely narcissistic tendencies resembling NPD while my mother seems to suffer from other issues, primarily a lack of empathy + extreme obsessive tendencies. This has left me with a variety of issues including two that are in all cases exclusively caused by childhood and/or other long-term trauma (CPTSD and a dissociative disorder.) Any attempt to confront them about it always ends in disaster. Even mentioning to my father what he did or making a joke about it is enough to cause him to go into a rage. He’ll go to great lengths just to attempt to fuck up my life and ruin things for me out of spite.

Last night, I attempted to talk to my parents about it and my dad started having one of his “adult temper tantrums.” He went into a rage and started trying to find something he could ruin for me. Later on, he claimed that as a child I assaulted him more than he assaulted me. For context, one incident that he considers assault is from when I was 12. He came into my room and started shoving a toy lizard in my face because he was bored and wanted attention, and when I threw it at him he smacked me over the head. I don’t think he comprehends the fact that a man in his mid 40s can do far more damage to a pre-teen child than vice-versa. That was one of the milder incidents of physical abuse out of the hundreds to thousands that occurred, as they got much worse and more frequent as I got older.

Without making this post too long, the argument ended with my parents saying that their abuse of me and kicking me out for weeks on end traumatized them too. My dad told me that “you traumatized us at least as much as we traumatized you, possibly moreso.” This shit just broke me. Even all of the half-assed apologies I got alá “I’m sorry, but you deserved it because…” or finally getting “I shouldn’t have hit you as a kid” a few months ago were insincere and meant nothing. My parents will never truly accept that everything they did to me was wrong and undeserved. I will never have that validation or acceptance. And I don’t know what to do about that beyond attempting to accept it.

As for handling my parents, beyond the standard methods of handling narcissists of attempting to minimize contact and showing as little reaction as possible to what they say while not taking them seriously, I don’t think there’s really much to do.

I had some bad nightmares about my abuse (some of which were so bad that I hope that they are not based on real incidents) and have been feeling very down and out of it today.

To make matters worse, when I turned to a couple friends for support one of them was very helpful but my “best friend” was not at all understanding and basically blamed the situation on me for “not just shutting up and being nice to them.” I don’t really want to get into that right now but it’s certainly taking a toll on our friendship and he doesn’t seem to understand why.

Thanks to anyone who read this far for listening to me rant. If you have any advice or words of support, I would appreciate hearing them. Hope everyone else is doing well.

Im so sorry to hear about your ordeal they a bunch of cunts. Sometimes we just born into a bad parent and a lot of times we don't get the happy ending. Your parents cant say sorry or accept they have done wrong because in their head they are good parents you a bad child they won't retreat from that. You have to put it to one side it might never happen.

My dad was a paratrooper a war veteran and he beat the shit out of us he beat us like we were grown men. He has broken my ribs on a few occasions but treated women and my sister like queens . I once opened up to him cried said dad why don't you love me his reply was because I was a useless cunt. He dead now never had the happy ending

We have to get on with life the hurt will never go away but put it in one corner and sometimes have your cry in the shower or while driving but dont let it drive you mad get on with your life the. best you can

 

[arrall]

Thank you to everyone for the support and advice.

Initially, this might involve 'playing along' and trying to improve relations with them, to reduce their concern that you're trying to sever links with them or some of their control over you - until you're more prepared to make that break.

My hope is to get the money transferred to me upon graduating high school. My dad has agreed to this previously but with him any deal dissolves if you keep your end unless it’s in writing.

Regardless, I’m working on getting a job and/or another stable small income source.

It can be hard to drop what we believe are 'toxic' friends, but they are often only in our lives more out of habit than because they're particularly special or life enhancing.

Usually he is a good friend who adds value to my life, but sometimes he just lacks empathy and projects onto people or gets insecure and talks shit about people until he feels better. It wouldn’t be the first time that I’d cut him out for a bit over that kind of stuff.

He has broken my ribs on a few occasions but treated women and my sister like queens . I once opened up to him cried said dad why don't you love me his reply was because I was a useless cunt. He dead now never had the happy ending

We have to get on with life the hurt will never go away but put it in one corner and sometimes have your cry in the shower or while driving but dont let it drive you mad get on with your life the. best you can

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I’m really sorry that you had to go through that. You’re not useless and you did not deserve to be treated and talked to like that. I’m glad that you’re starting to recover now.

I can relate to a lot of your experience. My dad fought with and emotionally abused my mother (usually bullying her into helping him abuse me) and hit my sister a dozen or so times throughout my childhood, both were pretty bad but they usually took his side and it was nothing compared to what he put me through. He saw me as useless a lot of the time, primarily if I was struggling with my mental health. I’ve always been made to feel like if I was productive in school and got good grades then he’d stop treating me like a subhuman. But every time I succeed, the goalposts move further and I get little praise or reward compared to how much shit I get when I don’t get much done. I’ve come to realize that I will continue to have to rely on myself for praise and self-esteem, and least for the near future. Part of me feels like I’ve always been alone and always will be, but I know that I always have supportive close friends and communities like this to go to.

Unfortunately, taking the little moments that we have to grief the childhoods we deserved but never got to have is one of the best options we have. I think that the way you put it, as sad as it feels, is the truth. We just need to remember that we are not alone and keep on going through life the best we can.

 

[yubacity]

Your dad seemed like a proper piece of shit a bully to everyone.Childhood pain never goes away thats the sad truth its always there but we have to live our lives im a father now and it made me a great father its always in my mind he treated my sister like a queen so now when it one of my kids birthday i get the other three kids presants dont want them to feel left out never hit any of my kids . Sometimes you have to let the pain out so i cry in the shower or take a long drive and cry my eyes out . But the one thing you cant do is let it ruin your life let it go you just wasting your time trying to get them to realize the pain they caused they know what they did but will never admit their failures as parents. You seem to have good friends make them your family .That is what i did my best friend is like a brother I'm lucky i got my 2 brothers love my wife and her family loves me fuck the cunt he is dead but saying that if he had just hugged me once all would have been forgiven, You have to move on these kinds of people build an image in their head that they were perfect you was bad nothing will change that . Start your life you have a good circle with you thats your family now you will never forget but dont let it be the main thing in your head have your off days but get up dont let them ruin your future

 

[arrall]

it made me a great father its always in my mind he treated my sister like a queen so now when it one of my kids birthday i get the other three kids presants dont want them to feel left out never hit any of my kids .

You sound like a great father. Thank you for that. There are certainly not enough children in this world with parents who truly love and care about them. I hope that one day when I have kids in 10 or 15 or 20 or 30 years that I am able to treat my kids that well.

Sometimes you have to let the pain out so i cry in the shower or take a long drive and cry my eyes out . But the one thing you cant do is let it ruin your life let it go you just wasting your time trying to get them to realize the pain they caused they know what they did but will never admit their failures as parents.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

You seem to have good friends make them your family .

This is what I try to do. Spend the special moments that most would celebrate with family with my close friends. Blood is only thicker than water if you get to choose your own blood. Otherwise it's really just red food coloring.

Start your life you have a good circle with you thats your family now you will never forget but dont let it be the main thing in your head have your off days but get up dont let them ruin your future

I feel like the best way we can keep ourselves going is to remind ourselves that if we let them ruin our lives, then they win. The only way to win is to keep going and prove them wrong.

 

[snortyjones]

Last night, I had the realization that my abusers will never truly take responsibility for what they did to me and how much they fucked me up. This isn’t something that is easy for me to share, but Bluelight is one of the most supportive communities I’m lucky enough to be a member of so I decided to come here for support.

For context, my “parents” physically abused me from ages 3-17 and have emotionally + verbally abused me for essentially my entire life. My father has extremely narcissistic tendencies resembling NPD while my mother seems to suffer from other issues, primarily a lack of empathy + extreme obsessive tendencies. This has left me with a variety of issues including two that are in all cases exclusively caused by childhood and/or other long-term trauma (CPTSD and a dissociative disorder.) Any attempt to confront them about it always ends in disaster. Even mentioning to my father what he did or making a joke about it is enough to cause him to go into a rage. He’ll go to great lengths just to attempt to fuck up my life and ruin things for me out of spite.

Last night, I attempted to talk to my parents about it and my dad started having one of his “adult temper tantrums.” He went into a rage and started trying to find something he could ruin for me. Later on, he claimed that as a child I assaulted him more than he assaulted me. For context, one incident that he considers assault is from when I was 12. He came into my room and started shoving a toy lizard in my face because he was bored and wanted attention, and when I threw it at him he smacked me over the head. I don’t think he comprehends the fact that a man in his mid 40s can do far more damage to a pre-teen child than vice-versa. That was one of the milder incidents of physical abuse out of the hundreds to thousands that occurred, as they got much worse and more frequent as I got older.

Without making this post too long, the argument ended with my parents saying that their abuse of me and kicking me out for weeks on end traumatized them too. My dad told me that “you traumatized us at least as much as we traumatized you, possibly moreso.” This shit just broke me. Even all of the half-assed apologies I got alá “I’m sorry, but you deserved it because…” or finally getting “I shouldn’t have hit you as a kid” a few months ago were insincere and meant nothing. My parents will never truly accept that everything they did to me was wrong and undeserved. I will never have that validation or acceptance. And I don’t know what to do about that beyond attempting to accept it.

As for handling my parents, beyond the standard methods of handling narcissists of attempting to minimize contact and showing as little reaction as possible to what they say while not taking them seriously, I don’t think there’s really much to do.

I had some bad nightmares about my abuse (some of which were so bad that I hope that they are not based on real incidents) and have been feeling very down and out of it today.

To make matters worse, when I turned to a couple friends for support one of them was very helpful but my “best friend” was not at all understanding and basically blamed the situation on me for “not just shutting up and being nice to them.” I don’t really want to get into that right now but it’s certainly taking a toll on our friendship and he doesn’t seem to understand why.

Thanks to anyone who read this far for listening to me rant. If you have any advice or words of support, I would appreciate hearing them. Hope everyone else is doing well.

abusers are narcist and most of the time , they were abused.

 

[yubacity]

Friends can be family but when you get to 45 like me and can count 6 friends who family you are very lucky . My grandads brother lived to 98 we were at our farm in punjab india and sitting under a tree in shade having some shots . He saiod to me in my life i have had so many friends known so many people but i can count on one hand who will be there for me . You have to let the pain out it helps you feel good after a good cry but make your life fuck your parents they not worth a wank you will only feel pain if you try getting their love

 

[snortyjones]

Friends can be family but when you get to 45 like me and can count 6 friends who family you are very lucky . My grandads brother lived to 98 we were at our farm in punjab india and sitting under a tree in shade having some shots . He saiod to me in my life i have had so many friends known so many people but i can count on one hand who will be there for me . You have to let the pain out it helps you feel good after a good cry but make your life fuck your parents they not worth a wank you will only feel pain if you try getting their love

Friends can be family but when you get to 45 like me and can count 6 friends who family you are very lucky . My grandads brother lived to 98 we were at our farm in punjab india and sitting under a tree in shade having some shots . He saiod to me in my life i have had so many friends known so many people but i can count on one hand who will be there for me . You have to let the pain out it helps you feel good after a good cry but make your life fuck your parents they not worth a wank you will only feel pain if you try getting their love

i have zero friends, but one acquaintance, my friend is God

 

[yubacity]

I underrstand your need for them to say sorry admit the harm they did . That burning feelinf of just say sorry you cunt . Our dad made us go boing from a young age taught us anyone call you a paki smash them. On my first day of primary school it happened in the fight i slipped he got on toip of me started throwing punches i put a guard up[ on my face so my stomach getting the worse of it i was thinking is this all you got i was used to being beaten by a paratrooper who knew what he was doing. I threw him off and baterred the fuck out of him . I love a fight still in trouble for one but i feel so good after that anger when all you want is an admission can drive you crazy dont let it destroy you. My advice get a punch bag a small one will do lear a few combination start your day on it bag work i love it it gets that anger out or go for a long run something that can release the anger

 

[arrall]

Update: Things with my friend are resolved and much better now. Not much improvement with my parents.

For yesterday and some of the prior day, I ended up getting some pretty bad emotional flashbacks and got extremely dissociated. I couldn’t speak out loud for much of the day and ended up just spending several hours straight catching up on schoolwork. Last night, a close friend I hadn’t heard from in a while called me up
After we caught up, she gave me some advice on the situation. I talked things out with my best friend and everything between us is much better now.

My advice get a punch bag a small one will do lear a few combination start your day on it bag work i love it it gets that anger out or go for a long run something that can release the anger

I have one back home (on vacation right now) and can attest to how helpful they are for releasing anger and stress. Thank you for the suggestion, reminded me to go workout today and to use the punching bag more once I’m back home. I don’t really know what I’m doing on it so I should probably get some MMA/muay thai/jiu-jitsu lessons once everything is re-opened.

 

[deficiT]

I don't know how much I have in the way of advice, but just wanted to say you have my love and my support, and my inbox is always open if you need an ear. I suffered physical abuse from my mother at a very young as well. It is difficult, and my relationship with her is conflicted and extremely tense to this day.

 

[yubacity]

Update: Things with my friend are resolved and much better now. Not much improvement with my parents.

For yesterday and some of the prior day, I ended up getting some pretty bad emotional flashbacks and got extremely dissociated. I couldn’t speak out loud for much of the day and ended up just spending several hours straight catching up on schoolwork. Last night, a close friend I hadn’t heard from in a while called me up
After we caught up, she gave me some advice on the situation. I talked things out with my best friend and everything between us is much better now.


I have one back home (on vacation right now) and can attest to how helpful they are for releasing anger and stress. Thank you for the suggestion, reminded me to go workout today and to use the punching bag more once I’m back home. I don’t really know what I’m doing on it so I should probably get some MMA/muay thai/jiu-jitsu lessons once everything is re-opene

 

[yubacity]

Update: Things with my friend are resolved and much better now. Not much improvement with my parents.

For yesterday and some of the prior day, I ended up getting some pretty bad emotional flashbacks and got extremely dissociated. I couldn’t speak out loud for much of the day and ended up just spending several hours straight catching up on schoolwork. Last night, a close friend I hadn’t heard from in a while called me up
After we caught up, she gave me some advice on the situation. I talked things out with my best friend and everything between us is much better now.


I have one back home (on vacation right now) and can attest to how helpful they are for releasing anger and stress. Thank you for the suggestion, reminded me to go workout today and to use the punching bag more once I’m back home. I don’t really know what I’m doing on it so I should probably get some MMA/muay thai/jiu-jitsu lessons once everything is re-opened.

Thats a great idea if you just want to learn basic combos at first learn them of youtube just the punches dont worry about footwork at first then if you think i like this pay the money , Its something that will never forget like riding a bike or swimming you will always have the knowledge . I sent my boy like my dad at a young age and my girls went martial arts you should be able to just defend yourself and for us it lets the anger out so you dont let it brew and just always be bubbling

 

[Las Veghost grower]

This is heartbreaking to read….I’m trying to protect my niece from my brother and his wife(her parents)….they have accused me of sexually abusing her to try and take her from me, but when the police and CPS showed up to the hospital they saw right through their tweeker bullshit and my niece left the hospital with me that night and the police have helped me hang onto her since and will until our court date where I’m going for full guardianship…fucked up situations I’m afraid if the courts force her to go with her parents she will suffer the sam as you…Iv been raising her her whole life and now all the sudden then want her for some unknown reason

 

[arrall]

@Las Veghost grower Thank you for stepping up to raise and take care of your niece and save her from a toxic, abusive environment. I'm glad that you were able to keep custody of her despite her birth "parents" attempting to interfere. I wish that more police departments were supportive like that and did their part to protect children from abuse.

Remember that you're more of a parent to her than her biological parents ever could be. I can't put into words how happy it makes me to see children saved from situations similar to (and worse than) what I've experienced. It's one of the things that keeps me going.

Best of luck to you in obtaining full custody!

 

[Las Veghost grower]

@Las Veghost grower Thank you for stepping up to raise and take care of your niece and save her from a toxic, abusive environment. I'm glad that you were able to keep custody of her despite her birth "parents" attempting to interfere. I wish that more police departments were supportive like that and did their part to protect children from abuse.

Remember that you're more of a parent to her than her biological parents ever could be. I can't put into words how happy it makes me to see children saved from situations similar to (and worse than) what I've experienced. It's one of the things that keeps me going.

Best of luck to you in obtaining full custody!

Yea the SVU detective that is on the case has been really helpful, she pretty much told all the officers that work my area the situation and if her parents show up to try and get her the police will tell them she stays with me(had this happen once already) we have court in January so I’m just hoping between the detective and CPS and the fact that her parents are pretty much homeless bouncing around from cheap motel to motel the judge will decide it’s best for her to stay with me…but who knows the courts don’t like to take kids from the bios even in really bad situations, I’m just hoping they get arrested before the court date, my brother has a warrant right now so he can’t even go to the court