I just need someone to tell me it will be okay!

[What was it?]

I had a ten year run with Xanax...getting off them was a soul crushing experience. It's been over five years since I had one, and I'm still recovering lol. Memory is much better than what it was, but I still have to write down/save to phone anything I need to remember. Though, I think the Xanax actually made my anxiety worse in the long run.

Xanax or any benzo definitely makes the anxiety worse in the long-run. i actually really have no idea if I will have any long-term issues once I completely stop the benzos. i did it before for a few months and couldn't identify any withdrawals except for lethargy which probably was more from opiate paws. I am off opiates into week 3, and benzos are now the next challenge. I don't even know if I have to taper or not as I have had days in-between where i haven't taken them. Even up to 6 days. We will see. i will listen to my body with this. It isnt as straightforward as opiates.

 

[CocoaBandit]

That's tough - you may want to consider finding a different place to live. As for controlled drinking, I've known some people who have done it successfully. I didn't work for me. My tolerance is too high. I would have to have four or five drinks just to start feeling it, and by that point I would just rationalize having even more drinks.

Getting a handle on the mental health piece was the singular most important piece of my recovery. I had to learn different coping mechanisms for anxiety, and also depression. Anxiety and hopelessness drove me to continually relapse until I started learning how to deal with the anxiety.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I know how bad it sucks. I wish you the best!

Yeah I'm going to see how it goes and if it starts to feel like it could tempt me I'll look for somewhere else. The good thing id I'm so busy with running and training I'm not at home all that much.

Yeah I totally agree with you that mental health needs to be dealt with and I definitely have some issues I need to deal with too. I'm on some anti-depression meds at the moment but I haven't managed to find a counsellor that I feel can help me yet. I always end up walking away thinking no one is ever going to be able to help me!

Thanks so muck for your support. It really helps just to be able to talk to people who understand x

 

[herbavore]

Anyway, I went to an alcohol support place today, and if I'm honest I don't feel like it helped me at all, but today is day 7 and I'm just trying to convince myself I can be like everyone else. I can't. I just keep asking myself is abstinence really necessary? Have any of you manage to go from heavy drinking to a casual couple of drinks here or there and never escalating it to anything more? Am I living in fairytale land hoping I can do that?

I think that this is one of the most difficult things about alcohol addiction. There really is no comparison with any other drug dependence (possibly mj in the future when it is legal) because it is such an accepted part of the culture and many people can use it in moderation or even heavily for periods of time without becoming dependent. Especially if you are young, you are living in situations where not only is alcohol part of everything, everything seems to revolve around it. And if by chance it doesn't, there is always a beer commercial of happy, healthy, laughing people to tell you that you are really missing out.

I think that when confronting a dependence of any sort it is essential to give it up completely. What I do not believe is true for everyone is that this has to be for the rest of life. But battling addiction is not about the "rest of life", it is about now. Don't even get caught up in the headgame of abstinence forever vs abstinence now. Let your "now", your present truth, be what informs you. Your brain will try to tell you that its OK to have just one but with honesty you can suss out the difference between your own true voice telling you what you need to hear and addiction's voice telling you what you want to hear.

I think what x_benzo_girl is saying about the mental health piece is spot on. My food issues are emotional issues. Trying to change only the food issues (habits) keeps me right up on the surface where nothing ever really changes. When I allow myself to go deeper and ask the harder questions, the issues tend to resolve more easily on their own. I'm going to sound like the old hippie I am when I say this but I truly believe that addiction, at its root, is pain in the spirit. Heal that spirit.

 

[CocoaBandit]

Hey herbavore,

Thanks so much for your words! I'm sorry for not replying sooner. I go through these weeks of just needing to hide away from everything and everyone, not healthy I know!

I've hit 20 days today and I've still managed to get out some without feeling tempted. It's almost like something has clicked in my head and said 'no more'. Great advice of just thinking about it for now though. Who knows what the future will hold for me, all I know is I do need to totally stay off of alcohol for now.

I want to heal my spirit, but I guess I just don't feel quite ready just yet. I've tried therapy a few times, but it hasn't done anything really. I've dealt with a lot from a young age and one day I will need to confront it. I think I am going to try and get into meditation. I did it for a few months when I went sober for the first time and it was really helpful. I did combine it with smoking a little weed, do you think that's a bad move? Peace x

 

[aihfl]

Have any of you manage to go from heavy drinking to a casual couple of drinks here or there and never escalating it to anything more? Am I living in fairytale land hoping I can do that?

I've tried controlled drinking. It works for a while, but then I'm right back to square one, doing stupid stuff, getting into trouble, and having accidents. Every time I start drinking it seems eventually I end back up in hospital for a detox. If you find this is the case for you, not to tell you what to do, you might want to consider abstinence. It's not just an AA platitude; alcoholism is truly a progressive disease and things will just continue to get worse. I completely wrecked my life and ended up being one notch above homelessness. I struggle because I know if I keep drinking, I will end up homeless and that's not a "rock bottom" I want to experience.

 

[CocoaBandit]

Well, I have to say @aihfl, I think you're right. I completed my target number of days sober, and by the end I didn't even want to drink, yet for some reason I went and had a beer. I didn't enjoy it and decided I would just stay off for good. The next day I had another day. The weekend after I got really drunk. And again a few days after at which point I decided I was totally done... and then I had another beer 2 days later and again 2 days, and now I am desperately craving it every day. Luckily no one has been available to drink with and I've not yet reached a point again where I am willing to drink alone. So now I have to work out how to go back to nothing again and stay at it this time. I guess once and addict, always an addict is true.

 

[Jabberwocky]

For sure it is true, but you are so much more than just an addict. I hope you're able to be more large minded than that.

I mean, when I was indoctrinated to think of myself first and foremost as an addict, it was so destructive in terms of how that part of my identity was integrated into my life.

So, so sad and unfortunate. Such a shame I had to suffer through so much totally unnecessary bullshit, but such is life I guess.

It is what it is. I just would hope I can help others avoid the mistakes I made. Or rather, the mistakes that I was led to make by certain so-called "professionals" offering very poor, highly unskillful, what turned out to be very unprofessional advice. . .

You gots to keep your wits about you in this game. There are lots of fucked up people in recovery, and not just in terms of your fellow addicts and peers. I'm talking about the "professionals" who's job it is to help addicts in their recovery. They are just as broken as most of us, more often than not.

At least that is the case in the United States. I would imagine it is different in places like the UK or Switzerland, or even Canada and Oz.

I would love to hear from anyone outside of the States who could offer their opinion in terms of their experiences in treatment and whether or not they had a constructive, helpful time there. Or if it would have been time better spent elsewhere. Even if that judgement is made in hindsight, it is still valuable IMHO.

 

[CocoaBandit]

Hey @toothpastedog.

Thanks for your kind words the good feelings of there being more to me come and go, but I am on a waiting list to get help. Until then I just have to focus on avoiding temptation. So I'll probably need to take some time out from people again.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Fair enough! And you are so welcome! It is totally my pleasure

Keep up the great work!

And thank you for the update. Stick around, why don't cha?

 

[CocoaBandit]

Sticking around sounds like a good idea to me you guys are a friendly bunch