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I just made a horrible mistake

Flickering

Flickering

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 11, 2011
Messages
1,118
And now there's nothing I can do to fix it and I feel fucking awful.

I was working a night shift at a festival, walking through a crowd, when I saw a grown man punch a little boy in the face. It wasn't a full-forced blow but it was a rough, close-fisted smack.

My first reaction was to intervene immediately, but I gave it a second just in case. Maybe I didn't see what I thought I saw, or I misinterpreted, or something. It happened quickly, and I didn't want to intercede in something that was really nothing.

But, the next thing I knew the guy was grabbing the kid around the waist and the kid was struggling and whimpering.

So, that did it. I strode up to him and shouted "HEY," and he dropped him and turned around.

And he said, glaring at me: "I'm his uncle!"

The boy, who would've been maybe four or five, ran crying to a woman who I presume was his mother, who knelt and hugged him. I glared back at this guy and said, "I don't care, he's a child."

"I'm his uncle," the guy repeated, as though this excused him and I really ought to apologise and back off.

Another man, who looked like he was related (I'm thinking he might've been the father / grandfather) came up and asked what was going on, so I explained that I'd just seen this guy punch a small boy in the face. The man shook his head and said, tone inducing shame, "That's not okay."

And then the kid's uncle and I just stared at each other for a moment, and I wasn't sure what to do. What I wanted to do was beat the living shit out of him, and I'm pretty sure I could've done it. And I'm not saying that was the thing I should've done, but hell, anything would've been better than what I did do. Which was this: I figured the rest of the kid's family was here and it was their business now, they'd sort it out. So I walked away.

About ten seconds later, after the adrenaline wore off a bit and I started to process the whole situation, I realised I should've called the fucking police. Or castigated the guy, goad him into coming at me, then broken both his arms so he wouldn't be able to do that again. Or, well, ANYTHING. But for some reason I just decided it was enough, and... why the hell did I think that?! So now this kid gets to keep on living with his child-abusing uncle and the one chance he had for someone to do something about it, I completely threw away!

When I turned back, they were gone. The regret is fucking killing me. I'm an idiot. It was pure indecisiveness. I was completely capable of resolving the situation but I didn't. I went halfway and then dropped it because I wasn't confident enough, and that's all there is to it, and there are no takebacks, I don't get another try, and I spent the rest of that shift and the train ride reliving the experiencing and bitterly wishing I could. I had to get this off my chest, I'm disgusted with myself. I was caught off-guard by the whole thing, it was a split-second mistake, but that doesn't change that I could've done something and then I just didn't. I feel like shit.
 
I think the way you intervened was enough considering the child's mother (assuming that was her) was there. If you had a physical altercation with this man, you could have been hurt or even arrested. What he did was awful from the way you describe it. Even if you did call the police, by the time they arrived the family may well have been long gone. Witnessing that would have angered me too but I don't think you made a mistake by walking away.
 
What you did was awesome, so many people wouldn't have said anything at all. If you were at a festival, I'm guessing there were tons of people around. Maybe someone watching called the police. In fact, I think it would be incredibly reasonable to assume someone did.
 
i agree with t. calderone. don't beat yourself up.

you should read this: the slap

the-slap-amazon-2.jpg


it's a great book.

alasdair
 
I appreciate that. Thanks.

I've had all night to think about this. At least I didn't walk away out of fear. I did it because I made a judgment call of what would be best, and in retrospect, I still think it was flawed.

What I should have done, now that I've had hours to simulate the scenario and analyse the likely outcomes, was tried to shame the guy in front of everyone. I don't think many other people did notice what happened, but they certainly would have noticed when I shouted. I could have called the attention of multiple people to the situation, told them what had just happened, and made him feel like the fucking scumbag he is. What kind of coward hits a little kid? His nephew looks up to him, how insane does he have to be to twist that kind of trust into fear? I wanted to say all those things at the time and I easily could have, and it might have even had an effect on him, who knows.

At any rate, I regret deeply that I left the situation without any real closure. That was a mistake and I'd still give anything to take it back and get to try again.

I am actually glad I didn't call the police. This family was Arabic and cops around here are notoriously racist. For all I know things could have gotten much nastier.

I'm also glad I didn't instigate or provoke violence. Even though I wanted to brutalise this person, realistically, no good could possibly have come of it. It would've just made me feel better, for a moment, but to the family and to the crowd and to the law I would've just looked like a psycho.

The best case here is that the boy's father / grandfather was made aware of the uncle's behaviour and that he'll be able to take charge and make sure it never happens again.

The worst case is that my actions not only accomplished nothing, but inadvertently brought about further reprisals for the kid. It's exactly the kind of twisted reasoning someone who would strike a child to begin with would have. This possibility makes me feel sick.

The weird part is, I'll never know either way.

EDIT: yeah I read The Slap years ago when it came out. It was an interesting book. I'm not 100% against physical punishment in all situations. (Though as I recall, the instigator in that story was a complete asshole.) But this wasn't a slap, it was a punch to the face. Unquestionably inappropriate and dangerous.
 
I reckon you did exactly the right thing. If you did escalate things there is no telling how it would have worked out.
 
I'm not exactly sure what I would've done in that situation... Probably just made a scene and antagonized the guy. But either way like the others said, don't beat yourself up over it. At the very least you brought it to some people's attention. If you had escalated it there's the possibility that the boy would've just gotten it worse at home, which he may have anyways unfortunately, and if you called the police the family would've been long gone by the time they got there. Also, (and I know I'm going to get crucified for this), SOME middle easterners have a bit of a different view on what reasonable punishment is when it comes to domestic issues.
 
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Flickering, I have been in two very similar situations years ago and they still plague me today when I think about them. The first was a man beating a woman in an apartment downstairs from me and the second was a mother slapping and humiliating her child on the street in San Francisco. In both cases race and racist police was also a factor in my decisions not to call for their intervention but in the first instance it was also self protection for me (I was a run-away); so I was never sure whether I was just trying to protect myself and that continues to nag at my thoughts when this comes up. I intervened verbally but I know how ineffective you feel because that's exactly how I felt.

In the case of the child, I am glad that someone in the boy's family let the uncle know that it was not acceptable. The thing about bullying that I see with children is that shaming the bully usually doesn't work to change anything and I'm sure this is also true for adults (like you say, it could aggravate and cause more retaliation for the victim). When social workers work with abusers they must work to understand many things--the accepted cultural practices, family cultural practices (how the abuser's family treated him or her) and what the abuser uses in their own minds to justify the use of force or emotional abuse and only then can they start to address changing the behavior. That is a lot for some poor stranger to accomplish at the scene! I think you did exactly the right thing. You intervened, you waited until the child was with another safer adult and you refrained from violence yourself.
 
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So people don't call the police when someone's being assaulted because they're afraid that they're racist? I don't get it.
 
Thanks everyone. Having had time to cool off, I've realised there wasn't much else I really could've done. Which is half of what upset me about it so much anyway. I'm glad I posted this topic.

You sound like you get it exactly, herbavore. Those situations you were in sound just as sucky. It was great of you to intervene though. I'm all too aware of the bystander effect, most people just look the other way.

nuttynutskin said:
So people don't call the police when someone's being assaulted because they're afraid that they're racist? I don't get it.
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What's not to get? I didn't want to see anyone get tasered or shot, especially innocent bystanders.

Well, I wouldn't have minded if this kid's uncle got tasered a bit. I'm not going to pretend to have a peaceful temperament.
 
Flickering said:
What's not to get? I didn't want to see anyone get tasered or shot, especially innocent bystanders.

Well, I wouldn't have minded if this kid's uncle got tasered a bit. I'm not going to pretend to have a peaceful temperament.
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I just think it's stupid to not call the police on someone based on their race. If I look out and see my neighbor beating his wife I don't give a fuck if they're white, black, yellow or blue, I'm calling the cops. And shoot or taser innocent bystanders? Don't even know where you're coming from there. More likely scenario would be that they don't do anything if you just tell them you saw someone hit their kid.
 
If you'd beaten him to a pulp the boy would have hade to suffer even more later on when no one would be watching, not a good choice. I'd called the cops on him (though I'm not exactly friends with the executive, they can make his life really miserable).
 
You're certainly right that beating this guy up would've accomplished nothing. It would've satisfied me in the moment then gotten me arrested and the kid hurt even more. I'm glad I didn't do that.

Maybe I should have called the police, but then maybe not. I am not being blindly anti-cop here. I meant what I said about racism in the police force where I live. It's prolific. The only ones with the herd mentality here are the people with a starry-eyed view of cops.
 
Right, gotcha.

Everyone should be aware of the bystander effect. I think it makes you less susceptible if you know how it works and why.
 
I think you did the best you could in the circumstances. A lot of people wouldn't have even noticed nor cared. I respect you for being deeply concerned for the child.
 
Consider these two options, as they are feasible choices that will have a positive outcome (for you if no-one else. One....tell the police. Its not too late. Two...accept that you felt powerless, yet were able to ensure that the child, mother, uncle, relative and yourself experienced no further pain.
You reacted with love, and the problem was solved, who needs thinking? You were a hero, get over it...:)
 
You did the right thing. Karma will come back and punch him in the face with a 2x4 hopefully.

But calling the police over something like that, when the parents are there, would be overkill. They'll prolly deal with the uncle, if not sooner or later they will be getting a visit from CPS. You can't beat yourself up over things that happen around you.
 
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