Sweet Dazzle,
I don't know if you realize this, but I consider you to be one of the luckiest people at bluelight. You can see exactly who you are right now and exactly where you are standing. Granted, it's not the best place to be...but there are so many worse places.
What makes you lucky is you know where you want to be...you can see your goal, and to be honest, it isn't that far away. How many other people here really know what they want right now? How many of those "wanted" things really matter? Sure, I can say I want a new car or a better paying job, but I can't say, "I want to be with my child...I want to be the one to take care of him..I want to be responsible for him," because I have no children. What I want right now are trivial, petty, transient things. What you want is the reason we are all here on this planet: you have given life to your son, and now you want to give him love.
Children are the most powerful force on Earth. They make their parents do silly and ridculous things. They also make their parents do the noblest of things: take care of them...love them...cry for them...teach them...sacrifice their lives for them...
This is your opportunity NOW. Perhaps you weren't ready for it before, but you sound as though that has changed. Let go of the disgust and loathing of the past 10 years; remember it, but let go of it. It serves no other purpose for you now...it can only lead you back to the places you want to leave behind. If you really love him, if you really want to be a factor in his life, you will have the strength to do so.
Ask the friends you binge with to help you if necessary. Tell them you have difficulty saying no once you start. Maybe tell yourself you CANNOT do drugs unless you have planned it at least a month in advance; cut off the spontaneous buzz entirely. Take the money you would normally spend on your weekly binges and set it in a piggy bank with your son's name on it, that way you have to break it to get to it. None of that, "I'll just grab $50 today and put it back in next payday," bullshit that we all pull from time to time that NEVER gets put back in. Not only will you have to stop and think before you break it, but you will have to see your son's name and know that to do your drugs that week, you have to take it from him.
It's very hard to make these changes, and you may slip up from time to time, but GODDAMMIT, you kick yourself ONCE for the mistake, leave the regret behind, learn what you did wrong and vow never to make that mistake again. Don't linger on the mistake because the despair that lies therein can bring the binges on that much faster.
It can be done Dazzle. You can make it happen. You're not the only person who has ever gone through this and you won't be the last. If you ever need help, you get it...there is nothing wrong with help, never be ashamed to ask for it.
I'm spent...I don't really know what else to add. I have great hope for you, Dazzle...I'm sure everybody here does. My sincerest apologies if I cut too deep or made assumptions that I had no right to...I just want to see you win. Good luck, sweetheart.
peace to you
-Sticky
[This message has been edited by Mr. Sticky (edited 13 January 2000).]
