PTSD I hurt myself yesterday. Self harm trigger warning.

[BK38]

I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed with the world and I kind of beat myself for being weak. Weak in the sense that I am not where I want to be in life, that I want to affect more positive change in general and stuff. Even just a general impotent rage at the way people treat the world and each other. I've been told all my life how "intelligent" I am and how much "potential" I have. I feel like I've done fuck all with said intelligence. I have PTSD and something triggered it the other day, that I don't really want to get in to. It does result in a bit of a state of hyper-vigilance and I am not quite myself right now (this awareness of self has taken a lot of time to foster and is a big part of the battle imo). I definitely self-medicate to deal with it (prescribed and not, abused and not).

I was a bit drunk yesterday and I was at a house party but felt alone in a room full of people in a sense. In any case, it felt acutely painful mentally in that moment, like I'll never be understood and it was a bit too much. I took a cigarette and quite badly burned my hand; intentionally (as far as a cigarette burn goes, it's...bad). It will be with me for life unfortuantely.

Anyhow, I've never self-harmed like that in such a direct literal way. It was obviously a coping mechanism of some sort and it scared me a little. I have no intention of doing something silly like that again, nor am I suicidal (though I have been in the past, with one attempt). I just want people to talk to me about their experiences with self-harm and stuff. I want to understand why you hurt yourself, because I don't fully understand why I hurt myself and maybe someone will have some insight?

I'm hurting a little guys,

Love,

BK38

 

[mal3volent]

For me I think there was a sense of relief because the physical pain was a way to escape the mental pain. It's a distraction and a way to force your brain into shifting focus away from the things you don't want to think about. There is a neurochemical reaction to it as well that is meant to calm you after physical injury. Obviously this only "works" for a very short period of time, less and less every time you do it. You stop getting a rush from it and the problem compounds. Now you have new problems and even more shame/anger/frustration. You feel more isolated. The cycle begins again.

It's fairly normal though to do shit like that, in the context you gave... there's no need to develop a complex over it. Just don't let it become habitual. As difficult as it is sometimes, try to embrace the positive aspects of your nature. There is no light without the dark , just accept that it's there and keep it stored away. Pretending it's not there is silly, but lots of people try that. And just to end with one more piece of cliche advice, exercise does a kinda similar thing but is less likely to become toxic.

 

[ions]

It hurts boss.

 

[CalicoCatLover]

I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed with the world and I kind of beat myself for being weak. Weak in the sense that I am not where I want to be in life, that I want to affect more positive change in general and stuff. Even just a general impotent rage at the way people treat the world and each other. I've been told all my life how "intelligent" I am and how much "potential" I have. I feel like I've done fuck all with said intelligence. I have PTSD and something triggered it the other day, that I don't really want to get in to. It does result in a bit of a state of hyper-vigilance and I am not quite myself right now (this awareness of self has taken a lot of time to foster and is a big part of the battle imo). I definitely self-medicate to deal with it (prescribed and not, abused and not).

I was a bit drunk yesterday and I was at a house party but felt alone in a room full of people in a sense. In any case, it felt acutely painful mentally in that moment, like I'll never be understood and it was a bit too much. I took a cigarette and quite badly burned my hand; intentionally (as far as a cigarette burn goes, it's...bad). It will be with me for life unfortuantely.

Anyhow, I've never self-harmed like that in such a direct literal way. It was obviously a coping mechanism of some sort and it scared me a little. I have no intention of doing something silly like that again, nor am I suicidal (though I have been in the past, with one attempt). I just want people to talk to me about their experiences with self-harm and stuff. I want to understand why you hurt yourself, because I don't fully understand why I hurt myself and maybe someone will have some insight?

I'm hurting a little guys,

Love,

BK38

once i was smoking weed and i put the hot metal bowl on my hand, which left a scar for quite some time. i don't really understand myself, i felt unhappy. i guess it is a reflection of the emotion, physical pain.

 

[BK38]

For me I think there was a sense of relief because the physical pain was a way to escape the mental pain. It's a distraction and a way to force your brain into shifting focus away from the things you don't want to think about. There is a neurochemical reaction to it as well that is meant to calm you after physical injury. Obviously this only "works" for a very short period of time, less and less every time you do it. You stop getting a rush from it and the problem compounds. Now you have new problems and even more shame/anger/frustration. You feel more isolated. The cycle begins again.

It's fairly normal though to do shit like that, in the context you gave... there's no need to develop a complex over it. Just don't let it become habitual. As difficult as it is sometimes, try to embrace the positive aspects of your nature. There is no light without the dark , just accept that it's there and keep it stored away. Pretending it's not there is silly, but lots of people try that. And just to end with one more piece of cliche advice, exercise does a kinda similar thing but is less likely to become toxic.

Thank you for your kind words and helping to explain things. I think you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. As you stated, my limited understanding is that you do get a rush of endorphins after you inflict yourself with pain - but it's just that, a temporary fix. I know it's not a viable option as you said, with diminishing returns. I also don't want that to spiral to the point where I feel even more isolated, that's for sure. I did think about checking myself into the mental hospital, but I don't really think that would help right now.

It's definitely not normal to behave as I did, but does make sense given the context I've provided. Makes me feel like less of a freak for you to say that. I will try to integrate more exercise into my life to blow off steam and so I don't get to the point where I feel like I have no recourse but to hurt myself.

It's funny that you mention how "there is no light without dark," an ex-girlfriend of mine gave me a pendant she designed that read "It is only through the darkness that one comes to know the light." It seems you both know that is what I need to hear and be reminded of.

I think fundamentally my nature is good, but I've taken a bit of damage. Thanks again Mal.

 

[BK38]

It hurts boss.

I hope you aren't hurting too.

 

[BK38]

once i was smoking weed and i put the hot metal bowl on my hand, which left a scar for quite some time. i don't really understand myself, i felt unhappy. i guess it is a reflection of the emotion, physical pain.

Yes, thank you for sharing, that's brave. It is a coping mechanism, albeit a bad one. I think I just needed to know why and to also not feel so alone. So, thank you.

 

[chippermonk]

I'm so sorry to hear that @BK38 . You're a good person. Pressure from being told that you are intelligent and should "achieve" more really hurts. Maybe you just want to be who you are, not fulfill someone else's expectations.
By the way, I have thought of you a number of times this week, for the simple reason that you got that Le Tigre song stuck in my head. Really great song!
Thanks for sharing your story and that song with us.

 

[spinosaur]

rise and shine cupcake u know the drill