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I have PTSD and want to try to help myself with MDMA

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yzf250ray

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 8, 2008
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11
Hey, I have a story. I first discovered that I was sexually abused by my father when I was 22 years old. This was about ten years ago following a long, long bought of depression that ended when my father got physical with me one night and I started remembering my childhood. My brain was just letting me remember, but then it shut down again. I'm in hell again... a long dissociative episode with nothing but numbness and constant pretending and voices and parts and psychobabble.

No one will take MDMA with me in a therapeutic setting. I have taken it alone before and the feelings of despair without the presence of someone else is soul-crushing. I'm looking for help. I have even talked to my therapist and other therapists and professionals about what I want to try and they aren't hip to it at all.

I would be willing to try it alone, but a person that can sit by and understand if I start to cry or need to talk... that seems pivotal to me healing anything. I have tried it a handful of times. If anyone has a suggestion or even wants to be a witness/friend that has healed from any portion of their own abuse, please send me a private PM. I'm a male if that makes any sort of difference. I don't have many friends that want therapeutic benefits from drugs. I'm terrified at shows due to the noise and the lights and usually end up leaving extremely tense and pissed off! Most of what probably prolongs my PTSD is my unwillingness to experience negative emotions.

Thanks for whatever you got! Would love to hear what ya'll think. I'm also in Tennessee if that matters at all.
 
I would not recommend self medication. It's unpredictable and dangerous. These substances have been shown to be effective for therapeutic purposes, yes. But that is when I'm a controlled environment with trained doctors and therapists present, in conjunction with many sessions of psychotherapy performed by experts and designed to go alongside the drug experience. However what people don't mention is that these drugs are very capable of making all your problems much worse. There is nothing worse than a drug experience where all these problems you need to face are being thrown up at you violently and yet your illness itself prevents you from having the emotional capacity to deal with them properly. I'm very sorry to hear what you've gone through, but I can't honestly recommend this idea. However if you did try it it might indeed work very well for you, I just can't recommend that you do from a harm reduction stand point.
 
Thanks for your honest input. It's a very distressing state to be in and it's getting worse daily and I don't know how I'm going to be able to deal with it. It's like I'm just watching the years of my life go by without really moving with it. I agree, the emotional part of me is unable to deal, otherwise I wouldn't be stuck in time still. I wish this stuff were magic.
 
Propranolol has been explored in PTSD. There is definite promise for it treating panic attacks and nightmares.

Oxytocin nasal spray can be found online, part of MDMA's effect is mediated via oxytocin, a hormone.
 
I've contacted maps... No studies until 2017... No promises either. Maybe its not true but I believe even experimenting is what brought the stuff to the surface in the first place. I just feel like my mind is stuck and could get unstuck but I don't know how. I've tried emdr and CBT and group. I'm so frustrated and really not liking myself anymore. Its difficult and heartbreaking to be here but not be here.
 
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I did find a friend

I did find a friend to take it with. Does this all seem hokey or could it really settle some aspects of my trauma. I used to go to aa despite not having a terrible drinking problem. Mine was more about isolation and homelessness after remembering my abuse. Anyway, can healing happen in the right set and setting? This guy in aa shared with me that its fear that overwhelms any chance of accessing the subconscious from the conscious preventing any real mental or physical resolution of the trauma. Of course this makes sense logically but my problem seems to be more emotional dealing with a lot of dissociation always.
 
Personally my stance is that "therapy" with a friend who's not an actual medical professional and all that is probably better than no therapy if you're getting desperate. First hand I helped someone with a bit of exposure therapy (she wanted to tell me in detail of her abuse), and after she told me her recollection it did seem to help her, she said a huge weight had been lifted off her chest, and she seemed to have less nightmares after that for a while. When you cannot take away the memories, the goal should be to take away the power of the memories. Of course this holds true regardless of the use of MDMA, but it can be easier to talk about things with a drug in your system. But just thought I'd be clear that you would stand to benefit from talking about things regardless of intoxication. Exposure therapy / imagining therapy are indeed the traditional therapies for chronic PTSD, but specifically a therapy for dissociation I don't know about - MDMA can even (somewhat rarely) cause dissociation. Personally I think mindfulness meditation is something you should try practicing daily for a couple months. The goal is to feel the way your breathing feels and turn off your thoughts. Every single time thoughts return and you realize you are lost in thought, return your attention to the breath.

The dose of MDMA should not exceed 100mg by the way. You should also think about other empathogens, such as mushrooms, though lower doses should be trialed first.
 
I am sorry to hear about your troubles and I can understand that you want to deal with what you think may be the cause.
Off the cuff I would agree with Priest about the dangers, but, but, but
You need to find somebody who is prepared to accompany you on this journey and that is perhaps asking too much.
Here I would say it's the unknown unknowns that might catch you out.
Obviously you should do this in a place where you feel comfortable and safe. I agree about using only a small dose.
Of course you would benefit by talking, but presumably the things you need to talk about are lurking behind a barrier of pain.
I really wouldn't try hallucinogens yet though. Not until you are in a better place at least.
 
i was sexually abused as well and took 5-mapb with the intent of empathogeon assisted psycho therapy with a naturally empathic person. it helped me some

wait untill maps gets into phase 3. right now maps are still in the firefighter, police and veterns stage if im not mistaken. nextstage is people who have had tramatic experiences like we had. In the mean time if you go into the sesson with the intent to focus on the expirience and heal yourself, make sure you have someone you truley feel is naturally empathetic or someone highly trained. highly trained people can be difficult to find. it can help. sometimes it takes 2-3 sessions to heal , even with the maps.org partipates

it did help me though
 
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