Lost I have everything most ppl dream of in life. Except mild legal opioid dependency. life is the same as someone with nothing except a roof and food.

[LucidSDreamr]

I have it all on paper. Degrees. High paying job i find interesting. Beautiful understanding wife that is always my rock. Parents that love me but don’t understand and can’t help me. Decent looks. I used to have friends but disconnected from all of them.



I have the physical ability and money to travel the world. I have the physical body still to be able to do active things like mild sports etc.

I’ve lived a straight a narrow life for 5 years or so of being on a very small pain management methadone dose. No hard drugs. No partying. Not a drink In coming up on 8 years. Don’t even smoke weed but use edibles a few times a week. A retired hardcore drug addict (this was 15 years ago).

My life is nothing. I live the way a person on welfare or that is sick or disabled or a full blown addict does or whatever reason lives. For no reason.

It’s as if the hardcore addiction I overcame but I still keep living them same empty lifestyle except without the drugs.

All I do is work from home. I go weeks without out leaving my tiny one bedroom that could buy me a castle anywhere else. All I do is work and watch TV.

I have dreams. I have hobbies. Things that bring me true natural joy. For some reason I keep letting the years pass by without engaging in any of it.

The ball and chain that is in opioid dependency os what I turn to blame it on…but that’s even a lie I tell myself. I’ve traveled and done amazing things in the past by just bringing my bottle of pills along with me. Somehow I feel that it’s connected to being dependent on opioids…maybe it’s something deeper that I can’t figure out.

I worked so fucking hard for the past 20 years to get the career and money and wife and everything I wanted. Yet I live like a hermit where my life would be the same whether I have $10 or $10M in the bank. What was the point of that? Money in an account collecting dust?

It’s not just about money obviously because I live as if I had none.

I don’t understand why my life is like this and why I am so unmotivated to live out my dreams that I have a very short window of middle aged ableness left to experience. The clock is ticking and I’m throwing the time away just working and being miserable at home alone.

is it Anhedonia? Not always…not if it take the initiative to go outside and go do a nature based activity I like. But I don’t do these things enough it feels like. It’s never enough just like drugs and you can never feel satisfied

I just don’t understand how I can be this disappointed with my life while having everything I’ve ever wanted on paper.

All I know it that thought of “fuck it if this is how my life is going to be as a successful person I might as well throw that all away and go full junkie because I would be living the same lifestyle but at least be high"

I’m really lost and as an ex hardcore drug addict I realize the danger I am in of going back deep into addiction

 

[Phobos]

I remember reading about drug use becoming connected to the place where you normally use.

Is it possible that part of your situation is that, mentally, you're not just addicted to methadone but addicted to doing methadone at home?

In my experience, my last addiction was amphetamine and I started doing it at home and every time I think I would like to get some the mental image is of me using in my room.

Other than that I would say that opiates reduce sex hormone production which in turns affects neurotransmitters so there might be a physical component to your anhedonia.
You may test within range on a hormone panel but that doesn't mean that you're not affected by levels of sex hormones lower than you would have if you weren't on methadone.
You are probably better off going private if you want to do something about your hormones as you are more likely to find a doctor that will treat your symptoms and not stop at "it's within range so it's all in your head".

 

[Jen X]

I think drugs makes other normal life things seem dull. I was in an accident, don't have to work and my MS only flares up a couple times a year but i don't travel like i should. I barely leave my house, play video games like a 14 year old. My boyfriend and i are in our 40's and we don't do much.My daily excitement is cooking him dinner.

I think the high of drugs damages us permanently sometimes. I know some ex addicts who are living life but like you i don't do anything. Try not to go back, i relapse then beat myself up about it, awful cycle.

 

[-=SS=-]

I don't think it's the past highs. I've only ever smoked cannabis (stopped 10+ years ago), a handful of psychedelic trips, and a handful of NN-DMT experiences. Had the opportunity to try opium and meth but I refused, glad I did. My drug career is weak sauce compared to a lot of people, even the cannabis was just a joint or two in the evenings. I'm in good physical health, high energy levels.

But I still feel your words. I think there's a huge amount of people who would too, many who've only ever been on the straight and narrow. As for the rest, they're just fucking delusional. The point being, this world is a pile of garbage. Not this world, but our world, the one we're all creating and recreating every second.

How many people are genuinely happy? Not many in my estimation. We're just not supposed to live the way we do, where everything is so artificial and rooted in lies, and to live for so long either. I find it really difficult to be honest, but I know anything beyond a sip of whiskey and tobacco is only going to make me feel even worse. I don't need to see any more than I already have, to think any more than I do. Even dreaming has become a source of irritation, same old anxieties and desires. The only time I'm genuinely happy is when I'm without the need of it, in deep sleep.

The repetition of life and the hopelessness of it is a mind fuck. And the sheer amount of energy we have to expend, I'm always thinking "what's the pay off?". Even if you achieve maximum opulence, it still won't satisfy. And if you lose it all, then it's all uphill. It feels uphill all the way while tumbling downhill towards the inevitable. At what point do you get something, for your benefit, unconditionally. It all feels slavish to me.

Sorry for being downbeat and if there's nothing useful in this, just needed to get that off my chest.

 

[deficiT]

What did you want to do when you were a kid? What did you dream of doing? This life often causes us to lose sight of the things we enjoy doing, in the pursuit of material well being. It kills the child inside of us. Many of us get so isolated and we forget that there's an entire community and world out there to enjoy. Maybe get involved in some kind of volunteer work. Explore spirituality. Having a cause greater than yourself is really important, whatever it is.

But please don't dip back into using. Unless you're truly prepared to lose all of the good things you DO have. Because that is definitely on the table.

 

[-=SS=-]

But please don't dip back into using. Unless you're truly prepared to lose all of the good things you DO have. Because that is definitely on the table.

Reminded me of something I was going to say but forgot during my rant. I'd argue that you're feeling natural dissatisfaction and questioning things, perhaps at a conscious and/or subconscious level, which in itself is actually a good thing.. it shows your heart is in the right place. But the spectres from past drug use are conniving little buggers, always lingering and waiting for an opportunity to inject a rationalization into your thoughts to convince you to put out for them again. Don't accept their rationalizations as your own, reject them.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

I don't think it's the past highs. I've only ever smoked cannabis (stopped 10+ years ago), a handful of psychedelic trips, and a handful of NN-DMT experiences. Had the opportunity to try opium and meth but I refused, glad I did. My drug career is weak sauce compared to a lot of people, even the cannabis was just a joint or two in the evenings. I'm in good physical health, high energy levels.

But I still feel your words. I think there's a huge amount of people who would too, many who've only ever been on the straight and narrow. As for the rest, they're just fucking delusional. The point being, this world is a pile of garbage. Not this world, but our world, the one we're all creating and recreating every second.

How many people are genuinely happy? Not many in my estimation. We're just not supposed to live the way we do, where everything is so artificial and rooted in lies, and to live for so long either. I find it really difficult to be honest, but I know anything beyond a sip of whiskey and tobacco is only going to make me feel even worse. I don't need to see any more than I already have, to think any more than I do. Even dreaming has become a source of irritation, same old anxieties and desires. The only time I'm genuinely happy is when I'm without the need of it, in deep sleep.

The repetition of life and the hopelessness of it is a mind fuck. And the sheer amount of energy we have to expend, I'm always thinking "what's the pay off?". Even if you achieve maximum opulence, it still won't satisfy. And if you lose it all, then it's all uphill. It feels uphill all the way while tumbling downhill towards the inevitable. At what point do you get something, for your benefit, unconditionally. It all feels slavish to me.

Sorry for being downbeat and if there's nothing useful in this, just needed to get that off my chest.

You really get it. A lot of what you wrote was spot on to me.
And what you said about humans not being meant to live how we do in modern times. That’s very relevant to this issue. We are meant to struggle to survive, to hunt and worry about very basic things like food shelter and tribe. This lifestyle we are living now is what allows me to even have the opportunity to feel how I feel.

I’m not saying I would be happier starving and running from lions….but I guarantee I wouldn’t feel how i described in my OP.



It’s interesting to think about non addicts feeling this same way I describe. They have no perspective to compare their state of being against. I have the complete elimination of all pain feeling and thinking that comes with addiction that I’m always comparing it against. I do envy NOn addicts In the sense that they don’t have that fear of falling back into a deep hole of addiction

 

[LucidSDreamr]

What did you want to do when you were a kid? What did you dream of doing? This life often causes us to lose sight of the things we enjoy doing

There is one activitiy that I do have a passion for that is a true escape from it all. It’s the only time my mind truly shuts off and thinks of nothing at all except doing what I’m presently doing.

I do it maybe 1 or 2x per month. It always resets me. But it’s not enough. A few hours per month of escape isn’t really enough.

And the desire and fantasizing to go do the activity when I’m back home is almost toxic because I start feeling very unsatisfied that I’m not engaging in my passion in life. So it’s a negative in my life in that respect. A lot of where the frustration comes from is that I’m missing out on this thing or other things in life. But when I do them it’s good in the moment but it’s very fleeting it feels like.

I’ve had instances where I did that activity for a week straight 8+ hours a day. Then that becomes a chore and while I’m doing it I’m wanting it to be over.

It’s like the grass is always greener on the other side saying. Switch sides then want to go back to the other side.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Sounds like depression. Like the ol' saying goes, money can't buy happiness.


Happiness is a mind state & can be experienced regardless of your financial state.


It's a fallacy that you'll be "happier" or "better" just from quitting drugs too. Honestly, I was happier when I was on heroin.
But definitely not happier on buprenorphine, though it's better than nothing.

I don't think humans were truly built to experience happiness or positive states as often as we like to think we are.
Which is why people use drugs or fall into habits & coping mechanisms. Especially when reality hits hard & you're fully aware of the mortal meat sack you really are & all the existential problems that arise from pondering life's purpose.