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I have a girlfriend but I want another one.. Not a different one.. Another one

V

Vaportrails

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 29, 2008
Messages
100
So my girlfriend I have right now is awesome and I am very fond of her and we are super good friends and have been together for over 5 years - but I've told her that I'm not interested in getting married or having babies with her, mostly because I don't feel that spark with her. We have sex and it's pretty good and we're great companions with lots of mutual friends. We are a couple, but I'm also very open about being interested in other women. We have both fooled around with other people in the past and both just brushed it under the carpet. She absolutely hates confrontation (like a phobia) so she is not interested in arguing about anything, and I don't care enough to make a big deal about it. I'm 32 and she is 33.

I'm interested though in actually falling in love and connecting with somebody - but I don't want to lose my current girlfriend because she's awesome and we're great friends. The problem is, other girls I meet seem to get weird about the fact that I live with my girlfriend. When I meet someone new, I don't know how to explain my situation. I usually just say something along the lines of, 'it's complicated but I'm interested in dating other people' which just creates a whole bunch of questions that are awkward for a 1st or 2nd date.

The few girls I've met who I thought were interested, I added them to my Facebook and they stopped talking to me because after a bit of creeping they figure out pretty easily that I have a girlfriend.

I'm not interested in hiding anything and I don't want to start a Mormon harem or anything either. My sex drive isn't really high, I just love to meet new people and flirt and romance and the idea of falling in love really appeals to me.

I just need to find a chick that I like who is cool with my situation, at least for the time being. If things get serious, I would change my situation but right now, I have no major compelling reason to break up with my girlfriend. Aside from not having that 'in love' type of thing, I'm happy.

How do I make this work? My current girlfriend would certainly not be happy about this, and let's be realistic, some major boundaries would have to be set - but I'm OK telling my girlfriend that I'm interested in other women. I'm positive she wouldn't leave me or anything, but she would be hurt and I wouldn't like that. She would probably just get really down on herself and lay in bed when she's not working. I don't want to see her like that.

Any advice?
 
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Thats a rough one boss! How much does this relationship mean to you?
 
It's going to be hard to make it work and you may be better off sacrificing being with her if you are not very confident of it working, like you are discovering people and society are generally not receptive to alternative lifestyles and true personal freedom.

I don't want to discourage you as I have seen and read many varied concepts for different lifestyles (science fiction is choc full of inspiring alternative lifestyles, Peter Hamilton and Alastair Reynolds spring to mind). And people experimenting like yourself with these different lifestyles and sharing(to a degree that doesn't comprise you) is essential for the growth of humanity as a whole.

Ultimately after seeking advice it will be your own decision but you may find something to help from the may posts in this thread.

(http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/655324-Most-Important-thing-you-ve-learned-in-your-life)
 
It's gonna be hard finding another girl who will agree to be a third wheel. You're basically offering up "I want to have sex with another person and maybe I'll leave my GF if I'm interested in you more." That's really not a compelling offer, although I'm sure some girl will go along with it.
 
Yeah my opinion is don't do it. It doesn't matter whether or not your girlfriend would break up with you for it, what matters is that, as you've said yourself, it would make her feel horrible. If you want something different then end it with her, but don't hurt her like that.
 
There are 3 ways to find girls who are ok with being your side chick:

1) Be rich
2) Be powerful
3) Be famous

Unless you're one of those three things, all you have to offer is your dick and emotional attachment. Since you're not offering emotional attachment, all you have is your dick. Sadly, most girls aren't sex-crazed sluts (stupid lying porn movies) so you're gonna have to join the rest of us non-famous poor people who have to choose between monogamy and meaningless sex with strangers.

Anyway I would do what the other guy said and show her this post. If that doesn't make her confrontational I don't know if anything will.
 
Lysis said:
It's gonna be hard finding another girl who will agree to be a third wheel. You're basically offering up "I want to have sex with another person and maybe I'll leave my GF if I'm interested in you more." That's really not a compelling offer, although I'm sure some girl will go along with it.
Click to expand...

Damm straight. What type of well balanced woman would tolerate that?
 
Stevenski said:
Damm straight. What type of well balanced woman would tolerate that?
Click to expand...

I don't know, but I think there's plenty of people (men and women alike) that start extraconiugal affairs. So, what's the difference? Ok, they're not married.. but they live together and have a 5 years relationship.

I mean, the OP can
a) hide the truth from her current GF and just cheat on her
b) be onest with the GF and see if the situation can evolve into an open/polyamorous relationship.
He wouldn't be a pioneer by taking route a, nor he would by taking route b.

I'm sure rangrz will show up in this thread, anyway :p

btw.. I think that having multiple, non-exclusive emotional relationships is quite harder than having multiple, non-exclusive sexual partner. You seem to be wanting the romance/adventure more than the sex, so it will probably be hard for you to find likely minded partners, expecially since you've past your 20s... but you might have luck
 
I can tell you exactly what is going on here... you are afraid to be alone, and would like to taper off your current girlfriend to a new girl. once you find a suitable side girl, you will care less about your current girlfriend, and tell her you need to move on. If you want to move on, move on.
 
If you care about this girl you are with at all, you should let her go. It seems you are not interested in a future with her then why keep her from finding someone that will be in love with her and want marriage and a future with her.
 
I'll try and offer a balanced opinion rather than just telling you it's not the right thing to do. The best way you could go about this is get involved in either a swingers network site or an adult site which caters for extramarital indulgences. If you want to continue with your current relationship you MUST talk about this with your current partner, she must know what you are doing and she may even join in from time to time as you did mention you have both dabbled with others in the past. Some people on these sites aren't just after meaningless sex, some do become quite close friends and a 'love' can develop however it is best to learn to separate the love you share with the person you want to live with and the 'love' you share with the other person(s).

On the flip side and this is probably more important, if you don't want children to your current partner you must ask yourself if you want children at all and ask your partner if she would like to have children. If you are on different paths then it may be worth questioning whether you are both happy to continue life together. It is an issue that could cause a lot of friction later on.

The best advice is talk to your current girlfriend about your feelings, advice and recommendations from a forum can only offer suggestions, no one here knows you exact situation and relationship.
 
Sounds like you may be seeking a poly relationship.

"Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved."

Do some research to see if anything hits a chord with you and your GF. Here's an interesting forum:
www.polyamory.com
 
If you don't want to develop any further with your current girlfriend, it sounds like you're ready to move on. Why not simply leave her? It sounds like you're too comfortable where you are now.
 
For as much as many people want to give you shit.. there is no reason for it.. Just because your happy with the status quo with this girl does NOT mean that you need to or should move on.

Be an adult here. Sit her down, have a convo about the whole thing. Its called Poly / Polyamory . It's becoming more and more common in the world as a whole and in some counties its even legal to marry as a triad and so on..
The most important thing is that you are both on the same page and honest with each other about whats going on and have worked out what is and is not okay.

There is a really great blog that you may find interesting at http://absinthepassion.wordpress.com/ also someone else said to check out Fetlife and that is a great place to find like minded people, join some groups post in the forums there are a LOT of poly forums on there.
 
I just want to say that I have found this thread very helpful and I wanted to come back to this and update. The people who said I am comfortable/lazy/want my cake and eat it too - this is all correct. I am not too proud to admit that I'd rather have this relationship than be alone, and essentially I'm looking to branch-swing to something different. Is this fair to her? Not at all. Am I willing to leave her, split our belongings, deal with the emotional meltdown and have us both be alone? No, sorry, I'm not. There's just not enough incentive to do this. If we break up, it will be because we have to, not because I want to be fair to her before moving on. If that makes me selfish, then I'm selfish.. but I'm not trying to hide anything either.

Sadly, not much has changed in my life. I guess the problem with sitting my girlfriend down and explaining all of this, lies in the fact that I'm not really willing to do anything about it. I've already told her that I want to move out of state next fall for grad school. She won't even confront me about that, other than to say that the idea of me leaving makes her sad.

The polyamory thing is interesting, but like I mentioned, it's not like I have this crazy sex drive and one woman can't possibly satiate me. I just want to be with someone who I want to kiss on the mouth every day, rather than someone I'm simply comfortable being naked around.

This is a really fucked up situation because I'm really, really longing to connect with someone romantically. I've crushed on a couple of girls now and all of them have shown a degree of interest but ultimately left me hanging. It's really hurting my confidence and making me feel like a true emotional/sexual connection is always going to be out of reach for me. I'm feeling like these 'close encounters' are more just an ego boost for girls who are basically saying to me, 'yeah I could have you if I want, but I'm not getting involved with your shit.' I'm also sort of picky, and I tend to crush on girls who are not available for one reason or another, and I rationalize it by saying, 'well technically I'm not available either'.

Anyways, not much else to say. I just wanted to vent a little.
 
If you want more you can either cheat on her or break up with her. I guess you could also try and be honest with her but you said so yourself that she would become depressed and that's fucked up. Then again, cheating on her is pretty fucked up too. I would suggest telling her that you need a break to do whatever. MOVE OUT with a duffle bag for maybe a couple weeks or so. Mess around and find out what you want.
 
Well, you could be like my mother- tell your SO you want to see other people, and keep letting them buy your dinners until you find a replacement. Sorry, that's kinda negative, but that's kind of what it sounds like you're looking for. Except as a guy, you're probably the one paying for her dinners... So you get the short end of the stick.
On a more positive side, you coul tell her you want to see other people and just be friends with her. However this runs the risk of breaking her heart, making her never want to talk to you again. It's a delicate situation. You'll have to decided if you're willing to risk your relationship. But if you're not truly happy, you should take the plunge and end it before you waste any more of your time. Even if you're somewhat happy as it is.
 
Have you tried some kind of couple's therapy to try to fix what is wrong with your existing relationship?

Maybe some mdma?(this is a drug forum after all...)

I like the idea of polyamory but it seems like it would take a lot of work/energy to maintain.
 
Once i lived in a place, another country where they dont treat women so good, there i was able to have 3steady girlfriends. Damn it was hard work though. American women, forget it. Sorry babes! Just sounds like trouble and a biiiiig headache coming your way. It sounds like a fun idea, but sooner or later its gonna blow up.
 
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