Support I fucking hate my parents vs. We're the Bradey Bunch

[Asclepius]

This might be the most dumb comment as it's just a post from YT but it's true, it's about survival & thriving & keeping yourself focused on YOUR Needs. It helped me focus, when things were crazy internally & externally.
You sound like your strong, processing this stuff makes us strong; despite how horrible it feels.
Much love, much respect to you. Go easy on yourself, when you realise hard truths, they are galvanising you, as painful as they are.

 

[BK38]

This might be the most dumb comment as it's just a post from YT but it's true, it's about survival & thriving & keeping yourself focused on YOUR Needs. It helped me focus, when things were crazy internally & externally.
You sound like your strong, processing this stuff makes us strong; despite how horrible it feels.
Much love, much respect to you. Go easy on yourself, when you realise hard truths, they are galvanising you, as painful as they are.

I don't think that it's a stupid YT video. I listened to the whole thing. I especially related to the bitterness one can have when comparing oneself to others (all the squandered opportunities, how I could have been so much more, my intolerance of the arrogance and ignorance of my father). I'm weak in some ways and have run through my codeine script way too quickly dealing with unwanted emotions, deep-rooted resentment and feelings of worthlessness these past few days. My Dad also gave me the flu, so I'm dealing with WDs and the flu together for the next 4-5 days. Not fun. Anyhow, thanks for your contribution, it was kind of soothing and affirming in that I do have a place on this earth (I've been struggling a lot with suicidal ideation too). It's funny that you say that I come across as "strong," I feel that "resilient" might be more apt. Anyhow, thanks for your comment.

 

[Asclepius]

I'm

I don't think that it's a stupid YT video. I listened to the whole thing. I especially related to the bitterness one can have when comparing oneself to others (all the squandered opportunities, how I could have been so much more, my intolerance of the arrogance and ignorance of my father). I'm weak in some ways and have run through my codeine script way too quickly dealing with unwanted emotions, deep-rooted resentment and feelings of worthlessness these past few days. My Dad also gave me the flu, so I'm dealing with WDs and the flu together for the next 4-5 days. Not fun. Anyhow, thanks for your contribution, it was kind of soothing and affirming in that I do have a place on this earth (I've been struggling a lot with suicidal ideation too). It's funny that you say that I come across as "strong," I feel that "resilient" might be more apt. Anyhow, thanks for your comment.

Am weak too mate, everyone's got their shit to bear. Strong/resilient, yeah everyone has that too...keep it, nourish it, let it tend to your weaknesses.

 

[Asclepius]

Who/what was the cause of your father, denying his weaknesses; that taught you to be the same?
(It's worth finding out, while you are all, still alive).

 

[kiely]

I'm

Am weak too mate, everyone's got their shit to bear. Strong/resilient, yeah everyone has that too...keep it, nourish it, let it tend to your weaknesses.

Nice. Thanks for writing that. If felt good to read that.

So, much gratitude for all #!! Really great and appreciated too.

Oh I'm tired now.

 

[BK38]

Who/what was the cause of your father, denying his weaknesses; that taught you to be the same?
(It's worth finding out, while you are all, still alive).

My father has always been quite narcissistic in general. His weakness stems in my view from the rejection by his parents for his homosexuality and his need for external validation (he was a big shot corporate lawyer and that was his identity). He poured millions into an art gallery/business incubator to feed his own ego and need for recognition after losing his job as a big shot, which failed in spectacular fashion as well as completely knocking my family down from upper class to middle class along with the 2008 recession...now probably lower middle class for my mom and I and upper middle class for him. I also need validation for being "smart" but that and the emotional instability of my family, plus my drug addiction destroyed my grades and sense of self-worth. I have a terrible habit of comparing myself to my peers and they are largely wildly successful, functional people, whereas I am not. I acknowledge all these things and my seeming inability to get past my past mistakes, regrets, ego etc all hold me back. It has left me deeply isolated, with poor coping mechanisms and lack of drive. I just inevitably end up reaching for a chemical fix that will mask or make tolerable the weakness inherent in me. I am also strong/resilient in many ways and have made it through times that some people can't manage.. I've been homeless, heavily addicted to drugs, have my PTSD diagnosis, have been emotionally neglected and lied to, sexually assaulted etc. These are all things that I am in a continual process of trying to overcome. I don't really know what functional looks like, though there have been brief periods in my life where I have been successful. I don't know if that answers your question(s) exactly, but I think I covered my weaknesses, my father's etc.

 

[Asclepius]

Sorry man, you had clearly stated in your OP about your family & father
...my bad for getting you to re-hash.

So, what are you going to do, about you? (Outside the shitty, dysfunctional family situation)
Do you go on feeling less-than, or?
How do you cope (a part from using). How do you deal with internalising, your folks mistakes? Should you, even?

Re. Sexual assault, this is a separate issue. Always keep it separate & never confound it with any other issue as it's cancerous. What's happening with you re. getting support for this, you need it, all the time.


...if you're father, is narcissistically, avoiding his responsibility to his kids & spouse & your mom is in denial - being a proverbial, 'doormat'.
This might be what you are identifying as, as it's the more functional, i.e. just choose 'soma' as it's what keeps things functional? There is truth in that, when economic- dependence is imperative - doesn't mean it's right/healthy - you have captured that, with your pain (unfortunately).

Re. Peer-comparison - it's normal, it's competitive - what makes it dysfunctional is not evaluating the comparison correctly i.e. Doing it without respect for your own limitations/strengths & not having a respect for that in others; value judgement, compassion & humour are things to cultivate, in this shitty, rat-race. Society is cruel, it didn't begin, or end in the 40's & most of it, is wasteful.

Am so sorry you had to deal with parents that hadn't figured out quality of life but put economy my of life, before all.
You have some amazing, insight into the dysfunction (yes, it doesn't fix it, but it's a start toward it, if you can let yourself accept the fact, that it has nothing to do with you)- no doubt you will, come out better to yourself, if you stop berating yourself ( them, also - goes, they deserve it but society is fucking horrifically, cruel & moreso, in decades past, so that, is something to consider, in the maelstrom that they swept you into).

I have no doubt, it will get easier for you, if, you start to treat yourself with the care & respect you deserve - you do deserve it, when you start. Blame them, forgive, forget the past, put yourself first, even if you feel unable - this is living - be.

The crutches are temporary fixes but they will kill you sooner, if you don't deal with using them. My hope for you is to live longer, so you can be at ease with the fruits of life & swipe-away any bs it throws your way. You are clever, you are beautiful & when you realise your own, wisdom by yielding to your human foibles & going through the painful, process of processing them, you will shine, you are in the process, I think?