Support I fucking hate my parents vs. We're the Bradey Bunch

[BK38]

I'm spending time with my mother and father together atm for the first time in 4 years. My Dad and I really don't see eye to eye on certain things (he thinks I should be totally abstinent from drugs/alcohol, he denies that he totally dropped out of my life at age 13, that I am entirely responsible for where I've landed in my life and made my own bed and I should lay in it). My Mom lies through lies of omission. I've been emotionally neglected, have PTSD (officially diagnosed), have had addiction issues etc. My dad is gay and I was lied to until I was 20 that I was my dad's bio kid, family dynamics totally dysfunctional etc. I've been emotionally, sexually and physically abused in my life (not by my parents, except the emotional bit).

I know a lot of you have had it worse than me and a lot of you better than me, I'm just wondering what the FUCKED UP family dynamics were/are in your respective families? The things that screwed you up and make you feel misunderstood, estranged from, haunted by etc with your parents (if you even had them in your lives). I guess I just want a place where we can all discuss these family dynamics, the repercussions in our lives etc. I suppose I'm looking for some solidarity here because I feel so misunderstood, isolated and estranged from my parents in some ways. I'd be interested to hear all your experiences re family dynamics, dysfunction, just fucked up shit in general for you all to vent about. Maybe it will lend me a sense of perspective. With love, BK38

 

[kiely]

You can point it out to them. But some people DO NOT want to change. They choose 'unhealthy' because they are too used to it.
Take Care dear @BK38 Be stronger than them. Or, at least be strong. Maybe they should learn from you. Or I would at least hope that they could.
I am so sorry it is so stressful for you at this time. I hope they learn to respect and hear you from what is in your heart. And would be a nice start.
You're awesome though, they messed up.

edit: Yes, some people are too old school to want to ever change. I hope that they put some work into it some day. I really do.

 

[neversickanymore]

After being on this bizarre blue ball for a bit i have concluded that dysfunctional is the norm.. i’d consider trying to work with the disfunction of yourself, your family and humanity as i don’t think functional is in our nature. Just not in the cards.

 

[BK38]

You can point it out to them. But some people DO NOT want to change. They choose 'unhealthy' because they are too used to it.
Take Care dear @BK38 Be stronger than them. Or, at least be strong. Maybe they should learn from you. Or I would at least hope that they could.
I am so sorry it is so stressful for you at this time. I hope they learn to respect and hear you from what is in your heart. And would be a nice start.
You're awesome though, they messed up.

edit: Yes, some people are too old school to want to ever change. I hope that they put some work into it some day. I really do.

Thank you for your kind words. I don't think I can change them. They are so rooted in their "truths" about the family, me etc. that I'll never get MY truth across to them no matter how hard I try. They both come from dysfunctional families themselves and that dysfunction bled into me. We model our family lives upon what we grew up with, no? I'll give you an example about something my dad and I were talking about yesterday. He was disowned by his own parents for being gay until he married my Mom. He started bringing boyfriends around and stuff when they were still married and my mom took it as "rubbing it in our faces" , my dad said that he took that as her not being accepting of his very identity and that he didn't feel comfortable in his own house. He'd come back once a week, on Sundays and just scroll through his ipad at the dinner table. That was the extent of the guidance/father I had from the age of 13. But who suffered as a result? My sister and I. My Mom grew up in a family of alcoholics and her mom (my grandma that I never met) died when my mom was 14. My mom pretends that everything is OK and just tries to keep the peace, avoids confrontation etc. I've been told two very different narratives about how I came to be, the nature of my parents relationship etc. My Dad for instance says that he doesn't even want my forgiveness for how he was selfish and just dropped out of my life, offered no guidance etc because he said his identity trumped being a dad in many ways. My head's such a jungle atm, but I'm going to try and remain strong and carve my own path and if one day I should ever have kids or a long term gf, I'm breaking the fucking dysfunction cycle. Thx again @kiely

 

[BK38]

After being on this bizarre blue ball for a bit i have concluded that dysfunctional is the norm.. i’d consider trying to work with the disfunction of yourself, your family and humanity as i’m i don’t think functional is in our nature. Just not in the cards.

Yes. I often wonder wtf "normal" or "functional" even looks like. Ultimately I may have to completely carve ny own path and try and let go of all the bullshit in my past. I love my parents in their own ways, at least facets of them, but they're both screwed up people...as am I. No one is infallible.

 

[CaptnRon]

I'm spending time with my mother and father together atm for the first time in 4 years. My Dad and I really don't see eye to eye on certain things (he thinks I should be totally abstinent from drugs/alcohol, he denies that he totally dropped out of my life at age 13, that I am entirely responsible for where I've landed in my life and made my own bed and I should lay in it). My Mom lies through lies of omission. I've been emotionally neglected, have PTSD (officially diagnosed), have had addiction issues etc. My dad is gay and I was lied to until I was 20 that I was my dad's bio kid, family dynamics totally dysfunctional etc. I've been emotionally, sexually and physically abused in my life (not by my parents, except the emotional bit).

I know a lot of you have had it worse than me and a lot of you better than me, I'm just wondering what the FUCKED UP family dynamics were/are in your respective families? The things that screwed you up and make you feel misunderstood, estranged from, haunted by etc with your parents (if you even had them in your lives). I guess I just want a place where we can all discuss these family dynamics, the repercussions in our lives etc. I suppose I'm looking for some solidarity here because I feel so misunderstood, isolated and estranged from my parents in some ways. I'd be interested to hear all your experiences re family dynamics, dysfunction, just fucked up shit in general for you all to vent about. Maybe it will lend me a sense of perspective. With love, BK38

Shit. Man, I’m really sorry to hear that. I can’t speak for my relationship with my mother as she passed away in my late teens. (Not even going there at the moment)
But my father and I are literally like best friends.
And I couldn’t imagine my life any other way. He’s never passed judgement over me for my life decisions, besides encouraging me to best the version of myself I could be. He’s tried to help me in the past (I was a career junkie), but I could never take the help.

I’ve lived my life with the mentality that if I get myself into the shit, I needed to get myself outta the shit. I was raised to be self reliant, that you can only truly rely on yourself.
I’ve told him about all my drug use from the age of 18 and on. He wasn’t thrilled about it, but he himself was a product of the 60’s so he’s knows the counter-culture.

Im sure I’ve hurt him with my life choices, but he won’t admit it. But at the same time, I know he’s been proud of what I have accomplished, even while being a junkie. But im sure he knows I could have done much better for myself.
I’ll be forever grateful for my father. I may be a degenerate junkie, but he raised me to be sympathetic and decent human being (atleast when I don’t have a syringe in my arm, but that’s no one’s fault but my own)

As for you and your family, sometimes just spending some more time with them is beneficial to your relationship even though it may not feel like it.

I honestly hope you mend your ties with your family. But if you don’t, I get it. Sometimes people don’t mesh, family or not.

Anyways, stay positive and be happy, whatever that may mean for you friend
Always, fair winds and following seas

 

[kiely]

Thank you for your kind words. I don't think I can change th, I'm breaking the fucking dysfunction cycle. Thx again @kiely

I know that it seems like all we can do anymore is try to break that cycle of abuse. Or just try.

That was really bad though. Or is. That's arrogant. Maybe if he could sincerely admit he was very disregarding and to try to be kinder it could be a start.

It really hurts the worst when it is someone that needs to be there for you especially your own family and then they just don't know how to understand that all.

Sometimes they can't ever change because they are just like that. And they seem to never listen to anything except what is in there own head.

You can tell them how you feel. They need to understand. If they don't it would be interesting to know why at least. And why they can not admit that they

will never be wrong. They should at least try to understand your perspective and that you ALSO have feelings and traumas too and reach out and try to understand

together that way. If they don't then they are just feeding off of their disregard for you. How sad. Just smile once today because they are alone in their own dumb world

and you are not. You don't deserve to be. They should know that. Really. Take Care. You're good. So far.

Awe come on . . . . you are so talented. You are. And inspiring. And smart. Very. Keep sharing with us. Please do. You had to pull yourself out of that. That's what we do !!

And don't give up. Never back down. You've got this. Not them. But yes keep trying with them. Because this is what you have now. I want to say you are doing great.

So you have to . . . . and so you will. Just be alright. One day at a time for a starter too. Yes !!

 

[kiely]

Yes. I often wonder wtf "normal" or "functional" even looks like. Ultimately I may have to completely carve ny own path and try and let go of all the bullshit in my past. I love my parents in their own ways, at least facets of them, but they're both screwed up people...as am I. No one is infallible.

That's just the thing . . . . some people just don't realize that there is another way to be because THEY don't want to !! Sorry.

 

[kiely]

You sound like you are a step ahead and moved on to a way better direction than them though. Does anyone care about them though besides you.

You're fine ! You know you have a family at least !!! Ha !

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Sure, Jan.

 

[kiely]

Marshalishious yum yum yum and Marvelously of course. Marsha Marsha.

 

[kiely]

I am really sorry that I said that about Marsha.



But please find a way to cope. You are going to have to find a way. And it won't be easy because you are a bit outnumbered there.
But you really have to find a way, but as much as possible and little by little you have to just explain to them how you feel in the nicest way possible.
I feel what you are going through. Dysfunction does cause stress and is not a very healthy thing to be exposed too. I am worried for you and always enjoy hearing from you when ever you are around. So you should just stay here and keep on being enlightening. So there. I just don't know what happens to those others who keep doing things without thinking first. Anyway don't let the anger upset you too much. Find a way to reroute those feelings into something better of course. Not something that will keep wearing and tearing you down. Okay. You can. It takes a while. You can !!

 

[BK38]

Sure, Jan.

What? This reference is over my head

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Neglect is biggest cause for drug problems. You are not alone :/

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

I come from insanity & dysfunction

I’ll put it this way … my family makes ‘The Sopranos’ look like ‘The Brady Bunch’

Big hug to you

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

Also I should add …

Be good to yourself
Be gentle with yourself
Be patient with yourself

 

[crazyhairman]

I just don't really care that much for them. They gave up on helping me decades ago. I asked them for help ONE time. I just stopped using one day after suffering a mental break. I was at my absolutely worst. Mom straight up said they don't even know how to help my situation while I was detoxing on oxy and benzos.

Couple years later they decided to mortgage the house to pay for my sister and her husband's treatment. They got doctors, meds, counseling.
I got a firm handshake and a "we'll pray for you"

Here I am 7 years clean without any support or professional treatment. I own and operate my own business. While my sis and her husband moved back into my parents house. They barely work, and will probably never get off of meds. Oh and they are both assholes to be around. Cheers. No plans for them to move out ever.

( I can only imagine it's because I'm gay )

So I'm fake nice when I visit, very rarely. I try to genuinely care for my family. My sister's attitude is pretty short most of the time. She's hard to talk to so I just don't. Her husband is a typical pot head who seems to be afraid of his own shadow.

I'm glad they gave me the tough love years ago. I'm glad they gave up on me. Otherwise I might have ended up like my sibling. Still hurts tho.

 

[crazyhairman]

My dad's addiction is church. Can't think for himself, is currently part of the Catholic movement to overthrow the pope. Odd...
Mom plays good cop bad cop. Or the master of puppets.
Sister grew into a very nervous and bitter person of which I can't stand to spend any time alone with.
Her husband in his infinite wisdom introduced her to heroin years ago to curb her drinking problems. They both mooch off of everyone.

I don't really have much to do with them anymore.
I've carved out my own support network with close friends and former or current lovers.

Anytime I visit the topics I can expect are-

God,sports, politics - dad

Nervous small talk or dismissed altogether - sister

Her husband usually just says - "suup'' before scurrying away to the back bedroom.

My mom is really the only one I actually genuinely respect, but even then I have to be careful how and what I say to her. She likes to gossip, takes everyone's side privately and holds no opinion publicly.

I've invited them over to my house , my cabin, my lake house, but they never come. Time just keeps slipping by. I took the summer off and didn't even bother to call once. It's a two way street but I don't even feel like driving anymore.

We just drifted apart

 

[Eligiu]

My dad is a pedophile and openly sexually abused me in front of my entire family, at times.

On the plus side, I disclosed to my mum last year and she seemed to believe me. He has admitted to doing it.

Idk, I sort of am weird I want a relationship with him even though it's probably impossible given what he's done.

It's largely his fault that I'm on disability and have the disabilities that I do, however. And he got upset about the prospect of me saying that he owed me financially because I could report him to the police and get compensation, or sue him civilly and get A LOT of compensation. So he refuses to engage with that and as a result, I'm not willing to engage with him, since I dont actually believe that he genuinely is sorry since hes playing it off as 'whoops i accidentally sexually abused my child for 26 years in one way or another' not to mention allllll the emotional stuff and neglect lol.

I want him to admit be just didnt give a fuck a about me or my brothers wellbeing. anything other than that isnt good enough and is not the truth.

I haven't spoken to him propertly since my birthday 2021 when he assaulted me. Was no contact for a year except at family events... now I just don't go to family events. Fucking wild that he gets to, and I get to stay at home depressed that my whole family is hanging out with my abuser every birthday and holiday and not me, but what the fuck can I do about it

 

[BK38]

My dad is a pedophile and openly sexually abused me in front of my entire family, at times.

On the plus side, I disclosed to my mum last year and she seemed to believe me. He has admitted to doing it.

Idk, I sort of am weird I want a relationship with him even though it's probably impossible given what he's done.

It's largely his fault that I'm on disability and have the disabilities that I do, however. And he got upset about the prospect of me saying that he owed me financially because I could report him to the police and get compensation, or sue him civilly and get A LOT of compensation. So he refuses to engage with that and as a result, I'm not willing to engage with him, since I dont actually believe that he genuinely is sorry since hes playing it off as 'whoops i accidentally sexually abused my child for 26 years in one way or another' not to mention allllll the emotional stuff and neglect lol.

I want him to admit be just didnt give a fuck a about me or my brothers wellbeing. anything other than that isnt good enough and is not the truth.

I haven't spoken to him propertly since my birthday 2021 when he assaulted me. Was no contact for a year except at family events... now I just don't go to family events. Fucking wild that he gets to, and I get to stay at home depressed that my whole family is hanging out with my abuser every birthday and holiday and not me, but what the fuck can I do about it

I'm so sorry that all that happened to you. I can't imagine being abused by a family member sexually. Thank you and everyone else for sharing a bit about their respective families. I imagine the BL demographics lean heavily towards some dysfunction in their past, especially if they turned to substances early and got addicted. I started drinking to the point of blackout at age 12, was a full blown tramadol and pot addict all through high school, then heroin and methamphetamine after that. It does help for me to hear these stories and know I'm not alone. I live with my mom at 33, am jobless and feel like a total fucking loser. I'm trying to let go of some of this stuff in my past in order to move forward.