i feel very alone

[Trying2Iso]

ok i usually come on bluelight to talk about drugs but honestly im sick of thinking about drugs all the time, i feel like i have so much to talk about and so much venting to do... i just have a lot of pain held back
i'm22 i have no friends except for my cousin who is always too busy to answer my calls. i live with my father who is an alcoholic who also spies on me, and even reads my mail and demands to know where i am going whenever i go anywhere, he is very very nosy to the point where i feel weird to be in my own house. i had a girlfriend up until 6 months ago but she left me, she claimed it was to think about stuff but i know she left me because i couldnt get hard, i am on heavy antidepressants that aren't helping, they just fog my brain and give me electric zaps when i don't take them. i am not religious but i spend a lot of time wishing i had a faith of some sort because i hate the fact that i am gonna be nothing as soon as i am dead, i have no sensation in my life that is positive,
i often feel like crying so bad but tears don't come. i feel like if i could just bawl my eyes out for five minutes id feel way better, but it's not happening. i've been wanting more and more lately, to the point where i feel like if i don't get all of my desires satisfied i might as well be dead... makes me think back to that quote from the bell jar that says sometimes when we start wanting everything it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing. sometimes i get images in my head of people that were in my past, and that's when i feel the loneliest, they are all gone. probably out there enjoying themselves but i am alone. i went to the gas station to buy a lighter yesterday and the guy behind the counter told me i was looking sad and that i should smile more, the consideration that he gave me shook me alot, i am not used to people giving a shit, i felt really good on the way home, but then i was sad again because stuff like that never really happens to me so i shouldn't get used to it. because most of the time when i go in that store people just follow me around thinking im tryin to steal shit, they don't care about what i might be going through in my life, or that i might be a good person who doesn't steal. the worst thing i go through isn't the feelings of hopelessness because i have always had those. it's the feelings of helplessness. i dont really need to go into why my life is pretty fucked up it would take awhile,i know it can always get better but i feel like im in such a deep hole that it wouldn't be worth digging myself out of it to reach the top. i feel like i have no fight left in me, and i definitely look and act like it. whatever happens in my life i just wish someone could recognize my emotions and understand. sorry for the somewhat long post.

 

[K90nine]

Hi there, I am so sorry for the way you are feeling. In a way I feel like that sometimes too. I have been on various drugs for so long now and it is what my few friends and I talk a lot about or is the basis of our relationships. I really wish I could change this but sometimes it just feels hopeless. I've lied to so many people about so many different things and it is exhausting. I feel very alone and sad and confused and angry and just over all hopeless. I wish there was something I can do to help you. You are going through such a tough time now but I hope you can take a tiny bit of solace knowing you are not alone out there- there are many people out there feeling the way you are feeling. I am here for you

 

[thedawn]

depression can be paralyzing.
I feel your pain.
I'm having a hard time staying alive one day at a time myself.
just know you are not alone.
we will move on,"the fight"isnt lost.
much love.

 

[Trying2Iso]

thank you so much i looked with dread at the posts thinking you would scorn me but you have been so kind...

 

[herbavore]

Is there any way at all that you could get out of your father's house? It sounds like you have had a very tough beginning in life and there is no reason to keep going in the same track. I'm totally impressed that you read the Bell Jar and even more impressed that you could quote out of it (plus it is a great quote so thanks for that). Since you like to read, try reading up on children of alcoholics. You may be surprised at how much of your experience, what you personally struggle with, has its roots in that. Do you have any access to counseling? Sometimes it is so hard not to interpret our lives as failure but simply changing our perception can make a huge difference in motivation. Hopelessness creates helplessness. When everything has gotten so bad it is often hard to believe that small steps matter but they really do. There are actually AA groups in a lot of places that are specifically for children of alcoholics. While AA may not be anything you are interested in, it still may be a resource for meeting people that have struggled with the same issues.

 

[MissBehavin'_416]

You said that you need some kind of faith. Have you tried going to the church? You know, it's worth a try. It gave me a new sense of being. It fulfilled something deeper in me that no person or drug ever could. Many churches nowadays have youth groups. If you started going you might be able to turn your life around and/or stop the depressants you're on.
That really sucks about your dad. I would know because mine used to be very similar when I was your age. He would get into my BL account and read all the mischiveous posts I've written; he'd taken my drugs away from me (then I just went on and bought new ones); he even followed me to the places I was going; he opened my mail; pretended he was sleeping when he wasn't just to spy on me, went through my things all the time....
I can understand how bad you feel at home.
My dad was at least half of the reason that I ever was on drugs. These days he doesn't really give a fuck, but no one else does either. I have my own apartment now, but am staying with mom (and dad). Herbavore is right. If you got your own place I think you'd feel less anxious about stuff because things would run your way. Living on your own is not really as hard as people say it is (at least in my experience). There isn't much to it. Work, pay your bills on time, clean up and that's it.
If your SSRI's aren't helping can you get on different ones? Maybe another will not bother your sexuality so much. Strive to make new memories with different people. Past is behind us and it's always gonna stay there. No use in dwelling in it. It's important you get your depression stabilized. If you're a nice guy you're well worth keeping on this blue and green planet of ours.
Don't worry about the store clerks. They're just doing their job. People steal their stuff all the time. Pay no attention to the way they look at you. Maybe they aren't used to you.
Always try to look at the positive side of life. Here's a cheesy, but true one for you: The power of positive thinking goes a long way.
Use this alone time to think about your life, your goals and how you'd like your life to be.

 

[ozzmosis]

Im a 20 year recovering addict quit methodone 31 days ago. I feel your pain im alone to all the time. Im homeless no car 34 years old. Drugs costed me everything. I wanna go to groups to talk to people but its so cold out and its a 3 mile walk. Feeling like crap no way im walking. I just get tired of the empty feeling. I often look to people around on facebook and chat or think of things i care about and make goals for myself. Quitting drugs has put me in a depression but i never forget that this is the longest ive ever made it clean and i dont need the drugs anymore

 

[moneyboy]

this is pretty bad for you, but you're rather young, you can improve your life - you certainly don't have much of a coping strategy to begin with and a negative mindset going on.

I'd first of all give up on fighting your feeling of loneliness. accept it. be kind to yourself. try at least. then move on, take the endless trip to the group meeting! there you will find out more and learn strategies to work with your issues.

 

[sam05]

i feel alone too, but i also hate people. theres no real win, put up with peoples bullshit or live in loneliness.

 

[adrenalinerushes]

i have noticed that the amount of anti depressants i'm on definitely effects me in some crazy ways. maybe you could try switching yours up. with a docs help of course. i need to do the same. also, SSRI meds have this weird thing where it's actually harder to cry, i know there's a name for it. but i feel you on that. i don't understand how i'm not crying in some situations or when feeling certain things, it's strange and disheartening. makes me feel really weird about myself, but on the rare occasion i do get my body to produce tears, the crying relieves so much.
one thing that has always, always helped me through these tough times, is music. i don't know if you share the same love for it as i do but it's amazing to hear certain songs and it changes how i'm feeling, even momentarily.
hope you're feeling better. maybe start writing in a journal and it could be pretty relieving for you.
sending lots of love your way...

 

[herbavore]

i feel alone too, but i also hate people. theres no real win, put up with peoples bullshit or live in loneliness.

The win comes when you cut others some slack for their bullshit realizing that you also require them to put up with yours. We are all messes of ego trying to figure this self>world thing out.

 

[moneyboy]

SSRIs and other antidepressants surpress ones feelings, so you cry less but you also can not experience the full bandwidth of your positive feelings anymore. it's a bloody prescription drug and no good for your mind and soul, it's a bit like a neuroleptic (surpressing your genuine personality) - only in a more subtle way.

 

[Squashymossy]

You are feeling sad and lonely but at least you are feeling something even if its really fucked up. The brain fog you describe and not being able to show your emotions fully are a what I experienced during my years of depression (and still do) so I totally get where you are coming from. The antidepressants definitely made me feel numb, lifeless and totally desolate. Getting through each day was like being left in a dark forest alone with no way out. It only took a kind comment from someone ( like your guy in the gas station) to make me feel someone was reaching out to show me the way out. Loneliness is a really hard emotion to deal with. If you think about it sometimes you can be in a room full of people and still be feeling lonely, unable to communicate with others and feeling alien. There are plenty of people here that can understand you, relate to what you are going through and want to help. Squashy hugs for you hope you feel better soon

 

[juneau]

Hello!
i had and still have very tough times. i am type I bipolar. been through severe mania, sucididal thoughts - severe depression.. substance abuse and so...
ANYway.. I exactly know what are you talking about and I know how it feels the way you describe it. I know this is an older thread.. but I hope that you feel yourself better and also that you are here with us still!
Just know that YOU are NOT alone! never give up it is going to be better! much love

 

[ShroomySatori]

I'm also sick of talking about drugs, taking drugs, trying to get off drugs... it is such a bore now. There is no fun in it, like Kurt Cobain said after a couple months doing drugs it is like breathing air. That is definitely true when it comes to opiates, well anything I've ever done really.

I don't really understand how people don't see how fucked up I am... well I am sure that they do. I feel that I am in a different mood every time I see somebody and don't have a true identity. What helps me is playing guitar, working on getting my career going, keeping myself busy as opposed to dwelling on the emptiness, on the void. I had a girlfriend as well and ruined it completely because I lost my sex drive when heavy into heroin. It helps a lot to have company but I just can't find it anymore. Everyone seems busy, and even then, everyone seems distant and brainwashed.

It hit me the other day when I went out to a concert. It was what would be a regular Saturday night for most people but for me it was like... humans having fun? I hadn't really left my place in 6 months, too depressed to get out of bed most of the time. If I still smoked pot and didn't do harder drugs, I wouldn't even have a buddy to call up and smoke on a joint. I have nobody man and I am later in my 20's people start doing things and succeeding and I am very very anxious about what will become of me and how I will be a total waste of life.

All I felt throughout college, at that age, was loneliness. It didn't matter where I was, what I was doing. I was constantly brought down by it, never had a girlfriend, had a lot of friends but felt distance, dissociated from reality. Like the odd one out. Always felt different and alone. Weed was my friend for a long time but that turned out to be a waste of time. So even as a past stoner I am just like fuck weed now, fuck how it affected me and never expected that either. It stopped working started making me panic every time I smoked and I moved on. I happen to like lots of people, but have trouble connecting with others and coming out of my shell. I dwell on past memories of how things could have been different. I wish I had some friends to chill with, play some guitar, smoke weed even though I don't really like it anymore, like whatever. It sucks. I used to have so many friends I couldn't keep count. Nothing is left but heroin and cocaine to keep me sane by myself. I am not too proud of the way things turned out.

And friends are very important. They are there for you, they give you advice, help with your sense of identity. It messes me up to have nobody, but I got a cool little bro who is growing up. For a long time I felt that I wanted to be left alone but that is definitely not true anymore. Especially how things have changed... how in my early 20's I was a stoner, maybe dabbled in Md a little bit and now it's all heroin, oxy, dilaudid, coke and meth and shit tons of benzos. I just fucked up completely man and I wish that I still, at least had a social life. I make a big deal about little things as well, like going to the store can be considered an outing for me. Not realizing that people actually still meet up and do stuff.