demonapocalypse
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2021
- Messages
- 18
Ever since I almost died in a surgical event my life has been in the shitter, and while I've grown to accept the event there are so many things that stemmed from it that have just completely ruined my ability to enjoy life. When I woke up from the coma, I felt this extremely strange feeling of my life being over, like I had nothing else to achieve or accomplish in my life. It felt like my life arc had come to a conclusion and that if I were to drop dead I wouldn't care as there was nothing else for me to do, despite being 14 at the time. This put me in the headspace of just being a spectator of my life, I was no longer able to enjoy the present and just began to hyper analyze everything around me as I felt like there was no purpose in involving myself in the things around me. This opened my eyes so much it was insane. I began to hyper analyze literally everything, and now everything I do I automatically relate to my own primal human urges and learned tendencies, like permanent introspection (which I think mostly started when I tried to unravel to roots of why I felt so weird), and do the same to people around me. I know this sounds incredibly judgmental but viewing everyone in this way has lead me to believe that the general population is incredibly inferior--no drive, no goals, just pretty much driven on animalistic urges to satisfy their mental craving for neurotransmitters (when I say inferior I dont mean to myself, moreso in a general sense). I fundamentally know I shouldn't care about this but whenever I watch people do things literally all I can think about is the rat park study and how people are so similar to the rats that just drain the cocaine laced water until they die.
Obviously, this is a really shitty outlook--I want to be positive but I feel like I've exposed myself to a mindset/knowledge that I can't exactly remove from my head, almost like I've been permanently mentally scared. I've spent the past few years essentially doing nothing but learning, and all the new information I learn, the deeper my views are dug. I recently started learning about Nietzche despite avoiding humanities most of my life and while I really hate referencing philosophers as it often sounds incredibly corny, from my very limited understanding of his philosophy it seems like most of humanity is straying from the uberman and are content with not questioning themselves or their lives. This bothers me to an incredible extent and I'm not really sure as to why. Its probably purely envy, but I have always felt this way. I know this makes me sound quite literally insufferable, and trust me I know--I have to live with myself every hour of the day. And this is the worst part, sometimes I'll break free from this headspace for a second and be like "life is pretty cool, I'm happy to be here" then just start thinking again and be like "but unfortunately my brain is fucked", and this is the shittiest feeling in the world. I have happiness at my fingertips but a barrier blocking me from the few inches to it, being stuck in a literal mental hell. Similarly, sometimes I get extremely depressed and think about how fucking terrible life and everything around me is, but then I realize its only from my perspective. It only feels this way because I tell myself it does, and despite being aware of this I can't break free from it. It's like how when you meditate you try to not think about how you're meditating--you sometimes break away from it, but when you start to think about it its almost impossible to rid your mind of it. Another good analogy is like I have a really fucking annoying roommate in my head and while I'm just trying to vibe and live a good life he's just steering me into the shitter.
I guess a big part of this is I've always been very curious of the world and everything around me and have questioned literally everything down to the fundamentals, and now feel like I have no choice but to constantly be doing this. While I love learning and being aware of things around me I feel like I've become way too aware for my own good. I feel almost like a machine that just processes information. I remember I took mushrooms and literally just told myself that I was a robot because of how I thought. I was this way to a certain extent before my trauma but was still able to enjoy life (a lot) without constantly telling myself that my brain is fucked. I mainly just want to be able to make good friends and enjoy the company of other people again. Though (somehow) I have a pretty big friend group at my college I find it fucking unbearable to be around most of them most of the time, particularly as a group. I've been heavily considering leaving as I feel like it adds more negativity into my life compared to the positives, but feel as if I could just be the problem. As of the moment, there are only 2 people who being around makes me feel sane and only one of them is in my friend group and I'm deathly scared I won't be able to find such people in the future. Overall, I'm just scared that I'm going to waste the one life I have with this absolutely retarded mentality and absolutely fucked brain I have. I don't know how to explain this but I have such a fantastic life right at my fingertips but with my brain every day feels like a literal war. Theres a lot more I could say from the clusterfuck of thoughts in my head, hell I feel like there's 30 approaches I could take to explain why I feel so miserable but this is the one I think causes me the most suffering. More than anything I want to be put into someone else's shoes to see how they think and see if my brain really is just fundamentally fucked or if I'm just a huge pussy that hasn't learned to process emotion.
Sorry for the stupid rant and thanks for reading if you made it this far, this site is super therapeutic
Obviously, this is a really shitty outlook--I want to be positive but I feel like I've exposed myself to a mindset/knowledge that I can't exactly remove from my head, almost like I've been permanently mentally scared. I've spent the past few years essentially doing nothing but learning, and all the new information I learn, the deeper my views are dug. I recently started learning about Nietzche despite avoiding humanities most of my life and while I really hate referencing philosophers as it often sounds incredibly corny, from my very limited understanding of his philosophy it seems like most of humanity is straying from the uberman and are content with not questioning themselves or their lives. This bothers me to an incredible extent and I'm not really sure as to why. Its probably purely envy, but I have always felt this way. I know this makes me sound quite literally insufferable, and trust me I know--I have to live with myself every hour of the day. And this is the worst part, sometimes I'll break free from this headspace for a second and be like "life is pretty cool, I'm happy to be here" then just start thinking again and be like "but unfortunately my brain is fucked", and this is the shittiest feeling in the world. I have happiness at my fingertips but a barrier blocking me from the few inches to it, being stuck in a literal mental hell. Similarly, sometimes I get extremely depressed and think about how fucking terrible life and everything around me is, but then I realize its only from my perspective. It only feels this way because I tell myself it does, and despite being aware of this I can't break free from it. It's like how when you meditate you try to not think about how you're meditating--you sometimes break away from it, but when you start to think about it its almost impossible to rid your mind of it. Another good analogy is like I have a really fucking annoying roommate in my head and while I'm just trying to vibe and live a good life he's just steering me into the shitter.
I guess a big part of this is I've always been very curious of the world and everything around me and have questioned literally everything down to the fundamentals, and now feel like I have no choice but to constantly be doing this. While I love learning and being aware of things around me I feel like I've become way too aware for my own good. I feel almost like a machine that just processes information. I remember I took mushrooms and literally just told myself that I was a robot because of how I thought. I was this way to a certain extent before my trauma but was still able to enjoy life (a lot) without constantly telling myself that my brain is fucked. I mainly just want to be able to make good friends and enjoy the company of other people again. Though (somehow) I have a pretty big friend group at my college I find it fucking unbearable to be around most of them most of the time, particularly as a group. I've been heavily considering leaving as I feel like it adds more negativity into my life compared to the positives, but feel as if I could just be the problem. As of the moment, there are only 2 people who being around makes me feel sane and only one of them is in my friend group and I'm deathly scared I won't be able to find such people in the future. Overall, I'm just scared that I'm going to waste the one life I have with this absolutely retarded mentality and absolutely fucked brain I have. I don't know how to explain this but I have such a fantastic life right at my fingertips but with my brain every day feels like a literal war. Theres a lot more I could say from the clusterfuck of thoughts in my head, hell I feel like there's 30 approaches I could take to explain why I feel so miserable but this is the one I think causes me the most suffering. More than anything I want to be put into someone else's shoes to see how they think and see if my brain really is just fundamentally fucked or if I'm just a huge pussy that hasn't learned to process emotion.
Sorry for the stupid rant and thanks for reading if you made it this far, this site is super therapeutic