I feel like an extreme failure

[washingtonbound]

I turned 28 last week and have done nothing with my life. I first started dealing with drug induced psychosis at 19, and have had repeating episodes since, among other things. You would assume that a couple of these types of episodes would make someone want to stay clean, but in my case I was stubborn about wanting to live life on my terms. So basically the last decade has been a nightmare of involuntary psych stays, going on and off shitty medications, a few short shitty job stints that never lasted, and watching my relationship deteriorate with my parents. The only positive thing I can say that I did over the course of all this time was travel outside the country on my own, although that also ended in disaster more than once.

Now that I’m nearing 30, it’s getting really disturbing to analyze the fact that I’m basically a mentally ill nobody who has leeched off family well into my adult life, and never really taken responsibility for myself. Aside from the psychotic episodes, I also struggle a lot with pure O OCD, but the psych ward stays have had the worst effect on me and rendered me an adult child basically. Currently I’m living in Mexico off 800 dollars I receive per month for social security disability, and this doesn’t make me feel any better about myself to say the least. I feel like a waste of space and struggle to come up with a reason to get out of bed each day.

I really wish I’d taken things more seriously when I was younger when it came to my health, because now there really is no running from it.

 

[MsDiz]

I turned 28 last week and have done nothing with my life. I first started dealing with drug induced psychosis at 19, and have had repeating episodes since, among other things. You would assume that a couple of these types of episodes would make someone want to stay clean, but in my case I was stubborn about wanting to live life on my terms. So basically the last decade has been a nightmare of involuntary psych stays, going on and off shitty medications, a few short shitty job stints that never lasted, and watching my relationship deteriorate with my parents. The only positive thing I can say that I did over the course of all this time was travel outside the country on my own, although that also ended in disaster more than once.

Now that I’m nearing 30, it’s getting really disturbing to analyze the fact that I’m basically a mentally ill nobody who has leeched off family well into my adult life, and never really taken responsibility for myself. Aside from the psychotic episodes, I also struggle a lot with pure O OCD, but the psych ward stays have had the worst effect on me and rendered me an adult child basically. Currently I’m living in Mexico off 800 dollars I receive per month for social security disability, and this doesn’t make me feel any better about myself to say the least. I feel like a waste of space and struggle to come up with a reason to get out of bed each day.

I really wish I’d taken things more seriously when I was younger when it came to my health, because now there really is no running from it.

You’re only 28 and whilst that feels like you’re old you’re not really. I’m 39 this year and I am still working my shit out in a lot of ways but it does get better. Shit happens and life can absolutely suck but I promise it won’t always be like that.

I don’t know what support you have for your OCD but getting a good therapist who you click with would be a good step, if that’s available to you?

You’re not a failure, you’re human and not one person has the perfect life, even though social media makes it seem that way. Try to take some positive steps and find things you are interested in and focus on those.

Chatting about things does help, just getting it out of your head is a really good step and we are here for you to vent anytime you want.

 

[MadHatterMike]

Preaching to the choir man..I always feel the same..sucks but that's what I've become..hang in there bud.

 

[Essentialle123]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

 

[Dreamflyer]

I turned 28 last week and have done nothing with my life. I first started dealing with drug induced psychosis at 19, and have had repeating episodes since, among other things. You would assume that a couple of these types of episodes would make someone want to stay clean, but in my case I was stubborn about wanting to live life on my terms. So basically the last decade has been a nightmare of involuntary psych stays, going on and off shitty medications, a few short shitty job stints that never lasted, and watching my relationship deteriorate with my parents. The only positive thing I can say that I did over the course of all this time was travel outside the country on my own, although that also ended in disaster more than once.

Now that I’m nearing 30, it’s getting really disturbing to analyze the fact that I’m basically a mentally ill nobody who has leeched off family well into my adult life, and never really taken responsibility for myself. Aside from the psychotic episodes, I also struggle a lot with pure O OCD, but the psych ward stays have had the worst effect on me and rendered me an adult child basically. Currently I’m living in Mexico off 800 dollars I receive per month for social security disability, and this doesn’t make me feel any better about myself to say the least. I feel like a waste of space and struggle to come up with a reason to get out of bed each day.

I really wish I’d taken things more seriously when I was younger when it came to my health, because now there really is no running from it.

Don't worry. I'm almost 52 and STILL trying to get my life together. You are very young. You have plenty of time to change.