I don't know where to start and I need help.

[Fentabill]

I know this isn't my normal post on here. Anyway, I'm so fucked. I'm a worthless opiate addict and I don't know what to do. Suicide is on my mind more than ever before, it's been there since before I was a scumbag addict, but as time passes it's more often, and feels more real. What stops me is my immediate family. I know they would be better off without me, but I can't bring myself to cause them that kind of pain. I don't want any of them living with the guilt, like what would any mother think when her 20 year old son kills himself? She would think about what she could have done to make it better. It's not her fault.

I'm a theif. I never STEAL steal more than 5 or 10 at a time, but that Is stealing. Now the worst part is on a Monday or Tuesday I steal 1 or sometimes 2 hundred dollars from my brothers safe, and I always put it back on Friday. He usually only checks it on Fridays between 5 and 6pm when he is out of work. I always am sure to have it in there so he does not notice missing hundreds.

But today he is flying out to see Trump's inauguration. I am nearly 100% certain he will check his safe and grab some money from it. It's so much to be missing. I'm such a fuck up. There isn't anything I can do until it's Friday. I can only hope that he does not check today to see his money. I'm gonna hide out until he is gone. If he leaves without checking I can replace it before he even knows, which is what I usually do.

I'm just a shitbag. I've felt like my life is a meaningless waste for a long while now. My parents really wanted me to do counseling for years and years ever since I was 10 or 11. Today was my first ever try, and it felt good. I know some of my problems.

We talked about my drug use and alcohol use. It's been rampant since I was about 12. I only gave up drinking when I met opiates.

When she asked me if I remember my parents splitting up, as in did I remember the day, how it happened, etc I couldn't answer. I was trying my hardest to answer and calm down but I couldn't be calm I just could not stop crying. Eben though I thought I was prepared for it, even though I think about it a lot and don't cry then, even though I thought I www ready, I wasn't. I couldn't stop.

I felt a lot better after talking, but at the same time worse. Worse that I take money from my brother. Even tho I put it back that don't matter. He won't believe me. It's all about to fall apart.

How come it feels so impossible when I try to think things could get better. Where did u go wrong.

I'm so confused. Why am I so mean and so unhappy. I always try to have a positive attitude I wake up in the morning and tell myself I have it okay. But 2 hours later I feel like nothing even matters, my job don't matter?

I don't know what I want. I'm ready to quit opiates but also not ready. I don't know what to do.its pouring right now. I just got a gram of some Fine heroin. I'm going to hide out somewhere in my truck with my phone off and wait til his flight time passes. If be leaves with no incident I will be happy that God at least gave me the chance to pay him back and never do that again.

I do it to myself. But how and why? I don't know about doing this bullshit life anymore.

Love you all. Hah I say that to everyone. Some people get weirded out but my friends always say it back.

Anyway, love you. Bye for now.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Do not kill yourself. Is there a way you can pay your brother back? What you are feeling is temporary. Look into rehab and detox, and stop using opiates including heroin and fent. Stay safe.

 

[Painful One]

Hang in there brother. I also have been having suicidal feelings. For different reasons.
Major depressive episode and chronic pain and illness.
It will pass. Just hang on. Try to distract yourself.
You are not a scumbag drug addict. Throw that out of your mind.
Every time it comes into your mind, picture yourself literally throwing it out until it no longer comes into your mind.
It might take awhile but keep doing it.

I hope the day went well and your brother did not notice the missing money and you were able to get it back.

I want you to know that even though this problem seems just not possible to overcome- it is.
Take it slow and don't beat yourself up. Build yourself up. Keep at it. You will slip at times.
Don't let that make you loose hope. Just keep at it.

You are loved. I always tell people I love them too. I do. We are all connected so much more than most realize.
I am here if you want to talk, need a friend, need some comfort. I am a good listener.
Love you.

 

[Jekyl Anhydride]

Hey Bill, I've seen a few of your posts in OD and and can say with confidence that you are an intelligent and thoughtful person. To let you in on a secret, everyone in there late teens / early twenties has problems. Being young can make one overly critical about their own situation and mistakes.
First your brother would not trade your life for a few hundred dollars and neither should you. Money comes and goes but family is forever. Even if you were to get caught a conversation could probably clear it up as technically it's an unauthorized loan. Seeing as how you always pay it back shows you have a conscience and morals.
Second you are trying to fix your perceived troubles you might have as you went to therapy and that's always a step in the right direction as ultimately it can bring peace to your soul from both past and present emotional wounds that affect self esteem. You tell others that you love them and now it's time to tell yourself as well.
You have only lived a quarter of your life, there is so much more to come and each day is a gift and not a burden.
Big hug to you brother.