Mental Health I don't know what to type, so here is my story.

[wezface]

I weigh far too much : (

I will go a month or so if I am feeling well, dieting and exercising, however if I hit a depressive period I will do nothing but sleep and eat.

I'm 5' 10", and weigh over 200 pounds (fluctuates from 200-220 depending on where I am with the bi polar). So fat : (

I tell myself when I start hormones I will have a more pronounced figure... but I really just wish I looked good and wasn't so fat : (

Oh, honey. I'm quoting this to tell you that I was a model for years, am your same height, and at the time I was modeling weighed about 160. I have been up to 190 and still got modeling offers. So 200 is not necessarily that much for someone as tall as you are. I'm sure you're beautiful.
I'm glad you've come and told us your story and asked for support. I see so much of what I've been through, emotionally and psychologically, in your story, and it breaks my heart because I know how absolutely hopeless it can be and how much you want to hope but your brain keeps telling you not to, getting you down. I know how it feels to be terrified to get your hopes up. To feel like nothing will ever be right. And I hate that you're feeling that.
As someone else said, IV cocaine and depression is a really bad mix. I also have treatment resistant depression and a history of IV coke use and it is a really bad idea (though I'm sure you've probably figured that out by now). If you'd like to talk some more, privately, I'd be happy to chat with you. I have chronic health issues that keeps me at home and unable to work and I recently moved in with my mom in a town where I know absolutely no one, so I have both plenty of time and a dire need of friends as well.

 

[herbavore]

Alice, have you thought about moving someplace that has a very large and dynamic community that embraces trans people? I don't know where you live but if there is no larger community for you it could make a lot of difference.

Meanwhile, I really hope that you and your mother and brother can get some support for the abuse you suffered. Those experiences don't have to rule you forever but they won't just be walked away from easily either. You deserve all the help and support available. Getting your food issues and drug issues under control is a first step to freedom. Gender issues can undermine a person's self-worth so much in our culture--you don't need food and drug issues compounding that. I hope that you can take everything that you have survived so far, all the attempts that you have made to feel better about yourself (misguided or not) and feel pride that you have hung onto life through it all and that you are still learning.

 

[CfZrx]

Hmm...WHat kind of art are you into creating if any?

 

[cengsuz]

Hi Wonde_Alice_rland,

I see that your depression comes from a bad childhood. It's not an easy thing growing up like this.

I can empathize because I was diagnosed with mild chronic depression a few years ago by a psychiatrist and was prescribed with Sertraline (Serenata). She started me on a low dose, gradually building up, and now decreasing it. We talk about my thoughts, my family, and their effects on me.

You mentioned that you also went into therapy but you still seem depressed and thinking suicidal thoughts. Thank god you didn't hurt yourself when you went to your local park.

It makes me feel sad that your depression has you acting in self-destruction such as buying drugs from the Silk Road.

It's good that you have achieved your dreams (making a living as an artist), have a better relationship with your family, started ECT and will be undergoing hormone replacement therapy (hopefully).

I think you are living a good life now with people who love you and many others who appreciate your artistic abilities.

If you killed yourself, you might cut short the opportunities to better yourself as an artist, see your work being examined and bought by admiring patrons, spend more time with your brother and mother, to lavish them with the comfort that they deserve, and meeting the love of your life.

Forgive yourself, forgive your father so you can have peace within. I love you as a human being who has potential, who has lived life, and who has been hurt. I care about you.