ThrowawayAccount123
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2020
- Messages
- 3
I'm not sure where else to look for answers. I take prescription opioids for severe pain. I mean *severe*. I have, at times, thought about taking my own life just so the pain would stop. Oxycodone saved my life, in a way. I was no longer bedridden, I couldn't work still and I'm on disability, but I have a semi-normal life.
I've been taking opioids for about 3 years. First vicodin, then when it didn't work, percocet. And that worked. 3 pills a day of the lowest dose. I never felt high, never had any "good" feelings from it, simply had pain relief. And I thought that was pretty lucky.
Now would be a good time to mention that addiction is strong in my family, on both my mother and father's sides. My grandmother drunk herself to death. An aunt and an uncle both have been homeless at times because of their drug addictions and untreated mental illness. Mental illness is also common in my family - I have bipolar disorder, as well as PTSD.
When I was first offered pain pills by my doctor, I had to fill out this survey, looking at risk factors. I'm still sort of surprised I was given opioids based on my answers to that survey. History of addiction in family: check. Childhood sexual abuse: check. Mental illness: check. On paper, I look like the last person you'd want to give these drugs to.
But it's been years now and I've been fine. Have I been dependent? of course. If I stopped them suddenly, of course I'd have withdrawal, it's the same with my mood stabilizers or antidepressents, it's just that my body is used to having them. But just the last few months I've noticed behaviors in myself that are risky.
I don't know what changed. I still don't get a high feeling from them, usually, probably because I almost always take them exactly as prescribed - three times a day, 6 hours apart. But I started to shift doses based on my mood. It's like one day I suddenly thought, I just took my morning dose a couple hours ago but if I take my afternoon dose now, I will probably feel a tiny bit less depressed. Not high, just baseline or normal. That means I'd sacrifice an afternoon dose, but oh well. I was taking the right number, just shifting times, but I guess the mildly concerning behavior is/was that I was doing it based on my emotions, not my pain levels. Also, I would get sort of an excited feeling whenever I knew it was only like half an hour till my next dose.
Last time I saw my pain doctor, I told him I get breakthrough pain and have the shift around doses - a half-truth. So he offered 4 pills a day. I said no. I didn't need that much, I told him. Instead he gave me 10 extra pills a month. That means that a couple days each week, I can have extra. I can have that extra pill for pain. Or I could have it for a day, a moment, that I feel overwhelmed or anxious or depressed. Sometimes I have taken it simply because I'm bored.
I should say, I have only a couple times felt mildly 'high', similar to how I'd feel after a few shots of whiskey or something. But for that I'd need to take like 10mg at once and I've only done that 2-3 times. Maybe I should also mention I quit drinking 3 years ago (when I started opiods) partly because I knew it wouldn't mix with pain killers, but also because I could never drink responsibly. I could go 6 months without a drink, no problem, but if I even tasted alcohol, I felt compelled to get drunk. Like it wouldn't even feel worth it to drink unless it was to binge drink. (If I was at some family event where it was only appropriate to have one glass of wine, I'd feel angry/irritatble about that). Countless times I got blackout drunk, I remember one night laying in the bathtub with my clothes on, vomiting on myself, crying, my partner found me in the middle of the night naked shivering on the couch. So I decided I couldn't be responsible drinking, haven't touched it in years and don't even miss it. But I guess that indicates non-healthy behavior? idk, thought it was worth mentioning.
Am I abusing my drugs? Can I stop this? What will happen if I go down this road? Will I next time tell him that I will, in fact, need 4 a day? What then? But what about my life without pain relief? What if I return to a moment that I think, I'd rather die than be in this much physical pain?
It feels like there is no right answer. And who can I talk to about this? Not my doctor. What else would he do, but take them away completely? Not my partner, who knows how they'd respond. Not anyone else in my family, who knows what addiction is, where it leads. No one. So I just keep it this guilty secret. For a while my partner was in charge of my oxy and took it to work every day, besides from my dose for that day, but that was only because I was suicidal and would have attempted suicide with my oxy if I didn't already know it would likely just fuck me up and put me in the hospital but not kill me. maybe i should pretend I'm having suicidal ideation and let him keep the oxy with him so i still have pain relief without the opportunity to abuse.
Sometimes I'll feel very...normal, and I'll think, "How silly that you were afraid you were going down some 'dark path', it was just a momentary thing." Even writing this now, I feel kind of dumb, like you're all going to tell me I have no problem and that I'm in the wrong place or I'm being dramatic.
I don't know what to do. I am afraid of life without pain management and I am afraid of going down the same road as members of my family. Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't know where else to go.
I've been taking opioids for about 3 years. First vicodin, then when it didn't work, percocet. And that worked. 3 pills a day of the lowest dose. I never felt high, never had any "good" feelings from it, simply had pain relief. And I thought that was pretty lucky.
Now would be a good time to mention that addiction is strong in my family, on both my mother and father's sides. My grandmother drunk herself to death. An aunt and an uncle both have been homeless at times because of their drug addictions and untreated mental illness. Mental illness is also common in my family - I have bipolar disorder, as well as PTSD.
When I was first offered pain pills by my doctor, I had to fill out this survey, looking at risk factors. I'm still sort of surprised I was given opioids based on my answers to that survey. History of addiction in family: check. Childhood sexual abuse: check. Mental illness: check. On paper, I look like the last person you'd want to give these drugs to.
But it's been years now and I've been fine. Have I been dependent? of course. If I stopped them suddenly, of course I'd have withdrawal, it's the same with my mood stabilizers or antidepressents, it's just that my body is used to having them. But just the last few months I've noticed behaviors in myself that are risky.
I don't know what changed. I still don't get a high feeling from them, usually, probably because I almost always take them exactly as prescribed - three times a day, 6 hours apart. But I started to shift doses based on my mood. It's like one day I suddenly thought, I just took my morning dose a couple hours ago but if I take my afternoon dose now, I will probably feel a tiny bit less depressed. Not high, just baseline or normal. That means I'd sacrifice an afternoon dose, but oh well. I was taking the right number, just shifting times, but I guess the mildly concerning behavior is/was that I was doing it based on my emotions, not my pain levels. Also, I would get sort of an excited feeling whenever I knew it was only like half an hour till my next dose.
Last time I saw my pain doctor, I told him I get breakthrough pain and have the shift around doses - a half-truth. So he offered 4 pills a day. I said no. I didn't need that much, I told him. Instead he gave me 10 extra pills a month. That means that a couple days each week, I can have extra. I can have that extra pill for pain. Or I could have it for a day, a moment, that I feel overwhelmed or anxious or depressed. Sometimes I have taken it simply because I'm bored.
I should say, I have only a couple times felt mildly 'high', similar to how I'd feel after a few shots of whiskey or something. But for that I'd need to take like 10mg at once and I've only done that 2-3 times. Maybe I should also mention I quit drinking 3 years ago (when I started opiods) partly because I knew it wouldn't mix with pain killers, but also because I could never drink responsibly. I could go 6 months without a drink, no problem, but if I even tasted alcohol, I felt compelled to get drunk. Like it wouldn't even feel worth it to drink unless it was to binge drink. (If I was at some family event where it was only appropriate to have one glass of wine, I'd feel angry/irritatble about that). Countless times I got blackout drunk, I remember one night laying in the bathtub with my clothes on, vomiting on myself, crying, my partner found me in the middle of the night naked shivering on the couch. So I decided I couldn't be responsible drinking, haven't touched it in years and don't even miss it. But I guess that indicates non-healthy behavior? idk, thought it was worth mentioning.
Am I abusing my drugs? Can I stop this? What will happen if I go down this road? Will I next time tell him that I will, in fact, need 4 a day? What then? But what about my life without pain relief? What if I return to a moment that I think, I'd rather die than be in this much physical pain?
It feels like there is no right answer. And who can I talk to about this? Not my doctor. What else would he do, but take them away completely? Not my partner, who knows how they'd respond. Not anyone else in my family, who knows what addiction is, where it leads. No one. So I just keep it this guilty secret. For a while my partner was in charge of my oxy and took it to work every day, besides from my dose for that day, but that was only because I was suicidal and would have attempted suicide with my oxy if I didn't already know it would likely just fuck me up and put me in the hospital but not kill me. maybe i should pretend I'm having suicidal ideation and let him keep the oxy with him so i still have pain relief without the opportunity to abuse.
Sometimes I'll feel very...normal, and I'll think, "How silly that you were afraid you were going down some 'dark path', it was just a momentary thing." Even writing this now, I feel kind of dumb, like you're all going to tell me I have no problem and that I'm in the wrong place or I'm being dramatic.
I don't know what to do. I am afraid of life without pain management and I am afraid of going down the same road as members of my family. Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't know where else to go.
