TDS I don't know how to get clean again!

[Phase0)))]

Hey guys,

so I haven't posted here for awhile. But some bad stuff has happened recently. A little over 2 weeks ago, I relapsed after having 2 1/2 years clean. 2 1/2 years!!!

I don't know why or how it happened, but for some reason a fortnight ago, I decided to use Heroin. I didn't really panic afterwards; I tried hard to suppress it. It was difficult to but I guess I made some believable excuses to myself. So I thought, (like a dumbass), that maybe I could just do it once and never pick up again. But that's not how it turned out. In just barely 2 weeks, I have spent most of my money, I have already taken out a loan for 255 dollars that I don't know if I will be able to pay back, I sold my guitar amp for a ridiculously low price, I have called in sick to work 3 times even though I've only been working there for a little over a month, I've been neglecting my schoolwork and now I am starting to get pretty dopesick. This is so fucked up.

I lived in a Sober Living House for almost 2 years after getting out of treatment and then I moved into an apartment last May with another person from my group home. I wasn't the biggest AA or NA guy, but I worked my steps, had service commitments, talked to my sponsor regularly and finally got a sponsee. But I know for a fact now that I was totally half-assing it. So now I think that if I took it more serious, maybe this wouldn't have happened. But at the same time I'm also perplexed at how people stay clean with just the twelve steps. I think the only reason I stayed clean was because I was in a group home and I knew that if I got high, I'd have nowhere to live. I can't move back into my old group home though. I have never lived on my own before and this is absolutely breathtaking that I actually have my own apartment. I can't throw that away, especially considering I will NEVER find a deal like this place in the area I live in.

Man, I feel so fucking stupid. I have half of an 8mg Suboxone and I was gonna split it in half for tomorrow and Sunday, since I have to work. I don't want to do this anymore. Nobody else knows except the guy I used with. Not even my sponsor knows; I told him the other day that I was still clean. It's just the utter shame of defeat. The biggest fear of mine is having to tell my mom. Fuck. And this time, it didn't even really feel good. It just reminded me of the bad times when I was using. But for some reason I still have the mental obsession!

What should I do guys? I want to stop RIGHT NOW before I lose anything else. Thank you.

 

[johnnypotsmoker198]

Hey guys,

so I haven't posted here for awhile. But some bad stuff has happened recently. A little over 2 weeks ago, I relapsed after having 2 1/2 years clean. 2 1/2 years!!!

I don't know why or how it happened, but for some reason a fortnight ago, I decided to use Heroin. I didn't really panic afterwards; I tried hard to suppress it. It was difficult to but I guess I made some believable excuses to myself. So I thought, (like a dumbass), that maybe I could just do it once and never pick up again. But that's not how it turned out. In just barely 2 weeks, I have spent most of my money, I have already taken out a loan for 255 dollars that I don't know if I will be able to pay back, I sold my guitar amp for a ridiculously low price, I have called in sick to work 3 times even though I've only been working there for a little over a month, I've been neglecting my schoolwork and now I am starting to get pretty dopesick. This is so fucked up.

I lived in a Sober Living House for almost 2 years after getting out of treatment and then I moved into an apartment last May with another person from my group home. I wasn't the biggest AA or NA guy, but I worked my steps, had service commitments, talked to my sponsor regularly and finally got a sponsee. But I know for a fact now that I was totally half-assing it. So now I think that if I took it more serious, maybe this wouldn't have happened. But at the same time I'm also perplexed at how people stay clean with just the twelve steps. I think the only reason I stayed clean was because I was in a group home and I knew that if I got high, I'd have nowhere to live. I can't move back into my old group home though. I have never lived on my own before and this is absolutely breathtaking that I actually have my own apartment. I can't throw that away, especially considering I will NEVER find a deal like this place in the area I live in.

Man, I feel so fucking stupid. I have half of an 8mg Suboxone and I was gonna split it in half for tomorrow and Sunday, since I have to work. I don't want to do this anymore. Nobody else knows except the guy I used with. Not even my sponsor knows; I told him the other day that I was still clean. It's just the utter shame of defeat. The biggest fear of mine is having to tell my mom. Fuck. And this time, it didn't even really feel good. It just reminded me of the bad times when I was using. But for some reason I still have the mental obsession!

What should I do guys? I want to stop RIGHT NOW before I lose anything else. Thank you.

Can you get any benzos? Splitting the suboxone will help a lot, but being that you are now aware of your addiction, I imagine you will fall back into the mindset that you are an addict again and it will be hard to break.

Try to split the suboxone as long as you can and take benzos to help with the anxiety/WD effects you may feel for about a week.

If you have insurance, you can immediately go check yourself into a rehab or inpatient facility for a week to get sober. These always worked well for me and were my default to getting sober in time of a relapse.

 

[herbavore]

Please do not continue to beat yourself up for a relapse. Relapse is not a failure but a learning tool if you choose to approach it like that. Maybe you needed to test yourself. Maybe you needed to remember what it was like to lose control of your better judgments. Maybe you simply let old habits seep back in. Whatever the complex set of circumstances was that led you to pick up again, there is a goldmine of information to be gained and this can only help you in the future. Get yourself to a wide variety of support systems and just pick back up with your new knowledge helping you rather than discouraging you.

 

[Phase0)))]

Thanks for the support guys. I have a prescription for Klonopin, but it doesn't get filled until next Saturday. I'm not freaking out about it, but it will be nice to have those. I can't go back to rehab right now. Or at least, that's my thinking. I want to use work, school and my house as an excuse as to why I can't go back to rehab. I guess we'll just see if I can do it this time. I've done it before, so I know I can do it again.

And yeah I'm not beating myself up over it anymore. At this point I still have most of my stuff and I'm alive. The thought popped up in my head earlier today thinking "What addict who is clean now, has never had one relapse?". Of course there must be some out there but if I go to a meeting and talk to anyone, most likely a majority of them will say they have relapsed before. The only thing that I'm beating myself up over is that I haven't told my sponsor yet. If I should tell anyone it should be him. But I will. I don't know when, but I want to at least get through the major anxiety and panic from the withdrawals before I do anything emotional like that.

Also I didn't pick up today. I had the chance to, but I refused it and stayed sober. Just sick as heck but it's not that bad right now

 

[herbavore]

Yeah, I think you are going to feel good when you tell your sponsor--because it is going to signal that you have truly forgiven your self and are ready to move forward. Look into mindfulness for the anxiety--there are lots of resources out there from the library to the web. One of the very simple things I have learned to do with my own anxious thoughts (which go right to worst-case-scenarios) is to keep asking "and then what might happen?" to every fear I can come up with. The crazy thing is that when you do that and you follow the thread of your anxious (and fatalistic) thoughts back to the very root, they always end up in the same place: I will be alone (unloved). What this simple exercise has shown me is the power that existential kind of fear really has in our lives and it has completely diffused its power. I saw some really good advice you gave to someone else in another thread about writing and this simple exercise can be easier done in writing.

How are you feeling today?

 

[NewJerseyChill]

bro if u are clean for 2.5 years and using for 2 weeks. more drugs is not the answer. not even suboxone. try exercising to purge your body and combat not being high. try boxing or brazilian jiu jitsu.

first off. you NEED to come out and be honest with your sponsor otherwise you are fucked. you will have no job, no money, no house. you know this, if you dont then i promise you, you will be right back where u left off...by half assing did u atleast go to meetings or even the big book or half assing as in u just hung around in a halfway house?

right now your word is good cause u are not in debt and steal, robbing, or whatever. while your word is good and u have clean time, get your foundation back up while you have support that is willing to trust and support you.?

if you are in the program, you will ALWAYS have a job, a place to stay and eat. you just need to meet halfway and stay sober or clean.

the answer is obvious. if ur like me and cant do the NA/AA bull shit... then you can't live on your own or with someone who is half assing the program as you were. atleast live with someone who is hard on you or hold you accountable. live with someone you CANT come home high too.
like your halfway house.

just get as much distance as u can get from that last hit. thats how i see it.
as long as u stay clean u will effortlessly get everything u want and u know this. same applies to all addicts.

edit: just be honest to ur sponsor and do what he says

 

[johnnypotsmoker198]

Hey guys,

so I haven't posted here for awhile. But some bad stuff has happened recently. A little over 2 weeks ago, I relapsed after having 2 1/2 years clean. 2 1/2 years!!!

I don't know why or how it happened, but for some reason a fortnight ago, I decided to use Heroin. I didn't really panic afterwards; I tried hard to suppress it. It was difficult to but I guess I made some believable excuses to myself. So I thought, (like a dumbass), that maybe I could just do it once and never pick up again. But that's not how it turned out. In just barely 2 weeks, I have spent most of my money, I have already taken out a loan for 255 dollars that I don't know if I will be able to pay back, I sold my guitar amp for a ridiculously low price, I have called in sick to work 3 times even though I've only been working there for a little over a month, I've been neglecting my schoolwork and now I am starting to get pretty dopesick. This is so fucked up.

I lived in a Sober Living House for almost 2 years after getting out of treatment and then I moved into an apartment last May with another person from my group home. I wasn't the biggest AA or NA guy, but I worked my steps, had service commitments, talked to my sponsor regularly and finally got a sponsee. But I know for a fact now that I was totally half-assing it. So now I think that if I took it more serious, maybe this wouldn't have happened. But at the same time I'm also perplexed at how people stay clean with just the twelve steps. I think the only reason I stayed clean was because I was in a group home and I knew that if I got high, I'd have nowhere to live. I can't move back into my old group home though. I have never lived on my own before and this is absolutely breathtaking that I actually have my own apartment. I can't throw that away, especially considering I will NEVER find a deal like this place in the area I live in.

Man, I feel so fucking stupid. I have half of an 8mg Suboxone and I was gonna split it in half for tomorrow and Sunday, since I have to work. I don't want to do this anymore. Nobody else knows except the guy I used with. Not even my sponsor knows; I told him the other day that I was still clean. It's just the utter shame of defeat. The biggest fear of mine is having to tell my mom. Fuck. And this time, it didn't even really feel good. It just reminded me of the bad times when I was using. But for some reason I still have the mental obsession!

What should I do guys? I want to stop RIGHT NOW before I lose anything else. Thank you.

How's everything going?