I can't get my brother to go to school

[SluttyPeach]

This isn't sexual in nature of course but it does indeed strain my relationship with my baby brother.

He's 16 and I'm 8 years his senior. We both currently live with my mom, who is not stern enough with him. In other words she babies him too much.

Anyway, he has gone to court in the past for truancy which also gets my mom in trouble. But either he doesn't care, or just doesn't realize the gravity of the situation. They have threatened to take him away from us and everything! Last year my mom and I both paid out of pocket to homeschool him since he has learning disabilities and the others pick on him, but this year he decided he wanted to go back to public school so we re enrolled him. Now I can't say I blame him for not wanting to go somewhere he is uncomfortable but he is nearing adulthood, and as adults we have to do things we don't want to do no matter what. I've tried and tried to get him to understand all this but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. In my opinion he needs to grow up and act his age. Otherwise he will just have to learn the hard way but I want a better life for him than going in and out of jail like my dad and I have. I've cleaned up my act not only for myself but to set a positive example for him.

I don't punish him physically but I have taken away his videogames/Internet privileges but my mom gets mad at me for it, so of course he runs to her crying and I'm the bad guy. Our father is incarcerated so he isn't here to back me up. I don't have legal custody of him but my mom and I have raised him ourselves for a long time. When he was sent to juvenile detention for his truancy my mom reinforced that they were wrong for doing that, thus he will not accept responsibility for his actions and feels entitled to do as he pleases. She even tells him "you don't have to listen to big sis when she's being mean" even though I have never cussed or hit him.

I just don't see why my mom won't let me punish him for laying out of school. What would any of you do in this situation? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[psychedelicsoul]

I don't even know what to say. This is abnormal. I mean, "you don't have to listen to big sis when she's being mean" That's something I could imagine being said to an 8 year old, not a 16 year old. Part of me is curious about just what is going on at school that freaks him out so much and what could possibly be done about it.
The only thing I could suggest is to have a personal intervention with your mother. If it were me, I probably would do absolutely nothing and just give up on him. But I don't know what it's like to have a sibling. Though that is something you may need to consider. Sometimes if you can't get through to someone the only other choice is to just give up.

 

[Johnny1]

Do the reasons for him not wanting to go to school include his continuing to be picked on at school and/or his not being able to understand what's being taught in class? If so, I would make an appointment to meet with his principal, vice-principal, or counselor to see what can be done to improve his experience. Be persistent - the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Good luck!

 

[SluttyPeach]

Thanks for the replies. We have addressed his learning disabilities and he has been given a special curriculum. But he doesn't want to do his homework either. He's on the autism spectrum and he is VERY intelligent, and quite different from the others. I'm not mean to him and I'm very understanding, he knows he can talk to me about anything under the sun and we otherwise have a great relationship.

He needs to accept his responsibilities and do his work/go to school. The others pick on him because he's different, same thing happened to me but I went to school anyway. I taught him to stand up for himself when they try to hurt him and he has. I can understand why it hurts his feelings when people call him a freak and a retard just because he had trouble socializing. In this area, if you aren't a redneck you get ostracized/picked on. It's a fact of life.

I worry about him because when he grows up he may not be able to support himself at all if he doesn't learn responsibility.

 

[herbavore]

Is he at all self-motivated to learn on his own? (Many on the spectrum are.) If so, what about a home-school curriculum that would allow him not to have to deal with the social aspect of school (which is usually why kids don't want to go) and yet he would still be getting an education. Also, where I live you can get permission to attend community college at 16. Would that work any better for him do you think?

 

[SluttyPeach]

Is he at all self-motivated to learn on his own? (Many on the spectrum are.) If so, what about a home-school curriculum that would allow him not to have to deal with the social aspect of school (which is usually why kids don't want to go) and yet he would still be getting an education. Also, where I live you can get permission to attend community college at 16. Would that work any better for him do you think?

He's really into smithing and even rigged up a forge outside where he makes weapons out of scrap metal in his spare time. I told him he should go to trade school and learn welding since he likes working with metal.

We have done the homeschooling and he hated it because he doesn't like being cooped up in the house. He can do the work with no problem, he just doesn't want to do it. That's why I suggested he do the welding. It's more hands-on and it's something he's interested in.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

You said you tried homeschooling, have you tried "online school"? I used to work with a woman who has a daughter who dropped out of multiple schools both private and public, and was trying that as a last resort.

Or since he likes welding have you or your mom contact a tech school and see if they'll let him tour and learn how to weld there?

Or what if he got his GED and then went to trade school to be a welder?

 

[SluttyPeach]

^Thats what I'm thinking. But they recently changed the law here that you can't drop out of school until you're 18 which is a crock of shit IMO.

So he has to finish school or go back to juvie. It breaks my heart because he's not violent/drug addled like many of the other kids in there. I'm worried they will be a bad influence on him (not saying they're bad kids, just troubled)
Online school isn't an option, we can't afford anything like that anymore unfortunately.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

^Thats what I'm thinking. But they recently changed the law here that you can't drop out of school until you're 18 which is a crock of shit IMO.

So he has to finish school or go back to juvie. It breaks my heart because he's not violent/drug addled like many of the other kids in there. I'm worried they will be a bad influence on him (not saying they're bad kids, just troubled)
Online school isn't an option, we can't afford anything like that anymore unfortunately.

OK, in some states like where I live the online school is free. It's just an alternative to public school, private schools, traditional home schooling where a parent teaches the child or children with materials, and charter schools.

 

[SluttyPeach]

We live in rural VA and everything is so ass backwards it'd harelip the Pope.

The county school board decided that online schooling shouldn't be free, but instead all the students in high school get tablets to use for class. Like, what's wrong with plain ol pencils and paper?? They use what money we get from the state irresponsibly. Not enough special education textbooks? Let's buy the football team new uniforms and equipment! But I digress..

I don't know how it works elsewhere but here, if you go to trade school you are taken by bus to the trade school either in the morning or afternoon, and otherwise you attend regular classes at the high school. He could do this if only he would go! It's frustrating and tears me to pieces.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

We live in rural VA and everything is so ass backwards it'd harelip the Pope.

The county school board decided that online schooling shouldn't be free, but instead all the students in high school get tablets to use for class. Like, what's wrong with plain ol pencils and paper?? They use what money we get from the state irresponsibly. Not enough special education textbooks? Let's buy the football team new uniforms and equipment! But I digress..

I don't know how it works elsewhere but here, if you go to trade school you are taken by bus to the trade school either in the morning or afternoon, and otherwise you attend regular classes at the high school. He could do this if only he would go! It's frustrating and tears me to pieces.

Have you asked him what he wants to do? If so what did he say? Does he know that in your state you cannot drop out until you're 18, and that if he does not go to school he may wind up living in foster care?

 

[SluttyPeach]

^We've discussed it several times but he doesn't seem to care. I'm at a loss for what to do.

 

[JessFR]

I have a brother too, younger but not as younger as yours. I've spent god knows how long, pretty much since our early teens trying to get through to him about the obvious and continuous mistakes he makes in his life. At least 10 years. And have made very little success in that time, and what little I have had he's still managed to mess up. I love him, but I've pretty much come to the conclusion that he's gonna do what he's gonna do and I can't stop him. I can be there for him, and I always will. But that's about it.

I'm not saying that's what should or will happen with you and yours, but if he's at all like mine the more you push the more he pushs back. Yours is still young, so maybe there's still something you can do. I'm at the point now where I just try and be supportive and offer advice, he seems more likely to take advice. Given the larger age gap between you and him, maybe you'll do a better job. My only advice is to keep trying. Me and my brother came from fairly rough family upbringings, and are closer in age, so part of it may be that I don't really have any standing to play the parental role like you might. Also he obviously knows about my fuckups too, so considers us to be on fairly equal standing. I've done better in life than him in many ways, just not ways that count for much to him. Also he's an adult like me, only a year younger. So I know I don't really have any right to play the mother role.

You have my sympathy though. For me he's been most likely to do something I suggest the less I try and push it.

Just some thoughts, you're not alone though.