I'm 7.5 months into benzo withdrawal and I'm so dysfunctional it's not funny. The way I survive is laying down and trying to read success stories. But if I completely honest with myself this bs has been going on for almost 3 years when I overdosed on 1 gram of Mollie and black out for 12 hours. I'm pretty sure I overheated as I woke up in pool of sweat and a winter jacket still on. I made a 80 percent recovery before a year and tried tapering off of benzo that I was on for almost a decade. A failed taper because of a mental breakdown and my health had been subsequently getting worse when the poor advice of a doctor was to have me go to treatment where cold turkeyed me and needless to say life has been awful for 7.5 months. I'm loosing hope and I'm very tempted to finish it because the life I'm living is no life at all. The withdrawal process almost killed me and things feel fake detached and just plain miserable. What hope do I really have.
-
The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines Bereavement Mindfulness Suicide Support Anger Management -
TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT
I can't do this anymore ( benzo withdrawal and complete dysfunction)
- Thread starter Sickdo
- Start date
well, the thing is, you can sit the pain out but it's hell obviously.
I withdrew from benzos countless times and it lasts and it lasts. I relapsed on them two months ago as well.
I suggest to sit it out though and get this bitch out of your life for good so you can start living.
I'm dealing with suboxone wd's and those are horrid too.
I withdrew from benzos countless times and it lasts and it lasts. I relapsed on them two months ago as well.
I suggest to sit it out though and get this bitch out of your life for good so you can start living.
I'm dealing with suboxone wd's and those are horrid too.
Man in the Dark
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 2, 2015
- Messages
- 531
7.5 months is a long time, that's a hell of an accomplishment. The longest I have ever made it was 3 months. Don't lose hope stay strong you made it this far, maybe talk to a psych DR and explain your situation and get on something that will help you.
Muzda Jonxx
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 14, 2014
- Messages
- 757
Keep at it! 7 and a half months is fucking awesome! Coming off the benzos is, as you've found out, one of the hardest things you will ever do. But it's also one of the best things you will ever do.
I promise you you'll get where you want to be eventually, you just got to grit your teeth and push through this. The light days will outnumber the dark eventually.
Don't keep comparing yourself to other success stories, you're writing your success story right now. And eventually you'll be the one spurring on others to their own success.
I promise you you'll get where you want to be eventually, you just got to grit your teeth and push through this. The light days will outnumber the dark eventually.
Don't keep comparing yourself to other success stories, you're writing your success story right now. And eventually you'll be the one spurring on others to their own success.
I've been a real mess for 3 years ever since my od. I can't but think altered my brain really badly because I wasn't even on a high dose of benzos and nearly died get off them. I just want a fun fulling life. I have been looking up ways to kill my self as I truly feel life isn't going to get better after 3 years of this. I'm rendered useless and housebound. I have not been able to do much in a long time.
Moreaux
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Jan 24, 2011
- Messages
- 1,917
What benzos were you taking, how much, and how long? Man, I can relate to the never ending benzo withdrawal. I was on Xanax daily for 10 years, the prescription was written to take one daily and as needed, so I inferred it was an open script to take whenever I was stressed. Back then I had no idea they were addictive or were hard to come off of. I didn't abuse them and had never been high, I didn't know they had a recreational value...for me they helped with sleep and took the anxiety away. I was very very naive. In Feb 2010 I checked into rehab for alcoholism and was told I would have to stop the benzos, that was essentially how I learned they were "bad". It wasn't until I left rehab that PAWS set in, anxiety began to get to extreme levels like i had never experienced before, I was getting seizures, my memory was completely wiped...no exaggeration there were days I couldn't remember my own name. I felt like I had an electrical current constantly running under my skin to the point that it was physically painful. I couldn't eat and couldn't sleep well, and if I did eat often I would just vomit. For a year after quitting the symptoms just kept getting worse and then they finally plateaued. I was suicidal, I had never felt so bad in my life as I could no longer work or even cook for that matter. My memory was so bad that I frequently caught stuff on fire when trying to cook. I would start the stove and walk away to do something really quick and not return to the kitchen until the smoke alarm was going off or one time, an actual fire. I couldn't be alone in the house because I was dangerous. I also couldn't drive because of memory issues, mental fog, and seizures.I was in my thirties and one of my parents had to constantly babysit me. I felt miserable and suicidal and didn't think that it would ever get better, but eventually it did. By the two year mark the symptoms began to diminish. It's been almost seven years and I would have to say that I am about 80-85% recovered. I have now have hopes for a full recovery.
Benzo withdrawal is likened to traumatic brain injury as both prompt excitoxicity which does widespread systemic neurological damage. It takes years to recover from, however, there are some supplements that may help speed that along. I have researched this extensively for the last few years and I have begun a regime that does seem to be helping me, but I am not comfortable making any direct recommendations to others because none of these supplements are approved. There is also a medication available that may alleviate the symptoms, but I think that is only effective to stop the flood of glutamate which causes the damage. I will say the one that really caught my attention is aniracetam. You may want to google aniracetam and traumatic brain injury. Keep in mind if you decide to try it you should take it with a fat and a choline supplement. Other supplements that help with these symptoms are magnesium, l-theanine, and Relora.
I also recommend that you eat as clean as possible, and force yourself to exercise, and get as much sleep as you can, though I know how hard that is in benzo withdrawal. Look into meditation and breathing exercises to help manage stress, and start doing them. Unfortunately, you probably won't notice immediate effects and you may feel like you're wasting your time, but stay with it. It does make a significant difference down the road. I promise you it does get better, it just takes time. Please try to keep the temporariness of this situation in the front of your brain because you really won't feel like this forever. Don't give up yet, you've already made it through seven months, your almost to the point where it will start getting better. Feel free to message me if you want to vent or have questions.
ETA - I you wrote a new post while I was typing this. I was housebound for 1.5 years, this is normal. Benzo withdrawal and subsequent PAWS can be absolutely incapacitating but it is not permanent. Big Hugs!
Benzo withdrawal is likened to traumatic brain injury as both prompt excitoxicity which does widespread systemic neurological damage. It takes years to recover from, however, there are some supplements that may help speed that along. I have researched this extensively for the last few years and I have begun a regime that does seem to be helping me, but I am not comfortable making any direct recommendations to others because none of these supplements are approved. There is also a medication available that may alleviate the symptoms, but I think that is only effective to stop the flood of glutamate which causes the damage. I will say the one that really caught my attention is aniracetam. You may want to google aniracetam and traumatic brain injury. Keep in mind if you decide to try it you should take it with a fat and a choline supplement. Other supplements that help with these symptoms are magnesium, l-theanine, and Relora.
I also recommend that you eat as clean as possible, and force yourself to exercise, and get as much sleep as you can, though I know how hard that is in benzo withdrawal. Look into meditation and breathing exercises to help manage stress, and start doing them. Unfortunately, you probably won't notice immediate effects and you may feel like you're wasting your time, but stay with it. It does make a significant difference down the road. I promise you it does get better, it just takes time. Please try to keep the temporariness of this situation in the front of your brain because you really won't feel like this forever. Don't give up yet, you've already made it through seven months, your almost to the point where it will start getting better. Feel free to message me if you want to vent or have questions.
ETA - I you wrote a new post while I was typing this. I was housebound for 1.5 years, this is normal. Benzo withdrawal and subsequent PAWS can be absolutely incapacitating but it is not permanent. Big Hugs!
Muzda Jonxx
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 14, 2014
- Messages
- 757
Good reply Moreaux! I'm awake with insomnia tonight, got bored of lying there wishing I was asleep so here I am.
Everything time I read your story I count myself lucky to have only been on the benzos hard for 5 years, and that I subverted xanax withdrawal by eating valium like candy and tapering off that instead. You really did go through absolutely the worst hell I can imagine, even compared to the personal hells I've created myself, which were still fairly impressive in their own right.. That you're here, doing so well and one of the sharpest people on this board should inspire any benzo head in recovery.
OP, this is as bad as it gets, anywhere you go from here is up. Benzo wd is about as horrible as it gets, period. I speak from experience when I say that a hardcore opiate withdrawal is like a week in the Seychelles by comparison. The sheer time involved to recover makes it seem pointless and impossible. But it so isn't. Time stretches forever at every point of our lives. So, for you it feels like you're going to be brain damaged forever, whereas I can no longer remember how that felt, although I was there myself only 5 odd years ago.
Speaking of damage, the only thing I ruined a bit was my memory. I can't remember people's names without having met them 20 times, I forget a job I told myself I'd do 5 minutes ago for 2 further days, that kind of stuff. It's no biggie though, absent mindedness I can cope with. My smartphone has become my PA in that regard. Bear in mind that I was a poly drug abuser who pushed things to ridiculous limits for a very long time, so that may not apply to you.
Finally, if you look close enough you'll find there is moments of joy, even in the depths of benzo hell. For all the panic attacks, seizures, breaking down crying or lying there convinced my life was over, there were still tender times with family, laughter with friends. I think it's important to notice those things, even at the worst of times it's rarely all bad.
Everything time I read your story I count myself lucky to have only been on the benzos hard for 5 years, and that I subverted xanax withdrawal by eating valium like candy and tapering off that instead. You really did go through absolutely the worst hell I can imagine, even compared to the personal hells I've created myself, which were still fairly impressive in their own right.. That you're here, doing so well and one of the sharpest people on this board should inspire any benzo head in recovery.
OP, this is as bad as it gets, anywhere you go from here is up. Benzo wd is about as horrible as it gets, period. I speak from experience when I say that a hardcore opiate withdrawal is like a week in the Seychelles by comparison. The sheer time involved to recover makes it seem pointless and impossible. But it so isn't. Time stretches forever at every point of our lives. So, for you it feels like you're going to be brain damaged forever, whereas I can no longer remember how that felt, although I was there myself only 5 odd years ago.
Speaking of damage, the only thing I ruined a bit was my memory. I can't remember people's names without having met them 20 times, I forget a job I told myself I'd do 5 minutes ago for 2 further days, that kind of stuff. It's no biggie though, absent mindedness I can cope with. My smartphone has become my PA in that regard. Bear in mind that I was a poly drug abuser who pushed things to ridiculous limits for a very long time, so that may not apply to you.
Finally, if you look close enough you'll find there is moments of joy, even in the depths of benzo hell. For all the panic attacks, seizures, breaking down crying or lying there convinced my life was over, there were still tender times with family, laughter with friends. I think it's important to notice those things, even at the worst of times it's rarely all bad.
It's MDMA that I feel has truly set me up for this horrible ride. My brain chemistry is fucked because of it and I suffer from horrible depersonalization and derealization for years now. The benzo withdrawal just is the most horrific thing imaginable. My cognitive sense is so bad. I have no executive function because of it and just want to bury my head in the sand or kills myself with a plastic bag and canister of nitrogen. It's like I took lsd everyday for the past three years. No thanks. It's wearing my mental health out and my brain is pushed to the max.
Moreaux
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Jan 24, 2011
- Messages
- 1,917
Your brain chemistry isn't fucked, you just haven't healed from the MDMA damage. Recent studies have been finding that they do no allow for neuroregeneation to occur, which is one of their associations to Alzhiemers. I think you'll find that the fog will life after more time without benzos.