I am coming to you BL, in hopes that the collective can help where nothing else has...
(backstory, summarized)
As a 33 year old man, I fell in love with a 20 year old tornado of a girl after a year of friendship. Things were ok until we accidentally got pregnant. She chose to abort, claiming physical reasons why she could not conceive. I didn't realize it at the time, but inside, i was crushed after the abortion. I fell into a deep depression, and she began to take control over the relationship. We moved across the country together, which made things even worse for me, as I now had no support network and no friends. 6 months after moving, she began cheating on me. She decided to tell me one night after she had given me some MDMA. This horrid night, I fell apart. I suspect this is when the PTSD began. For a few months, I lived like a dying man. I was so grateful when she came back to me that I thought I was able to forgive her past mistakes. 6 months later I came to the conclusion I couldn't trust her. She drove my business partner against me, causing him to turn on me and fuck me badly in a business deal. Crushed, heart broken, I tried taking a trip back home to regroup in June 2012. She used this opportunity as a chance to come to my house with a couple of guys and rob me. Already weak from all of her manipulations and abuse, this finally broke me. I moved into the city to a high rise apartment building for security. PTSD in full effect now, my days consumed with thoughts on revenge against my ex, my nights haunted by dreams of the same. Pot pretty much saved my life, possibly hers, at this point in my life. It was the only thing that kept me sane, grounded, gave me enough appetite to eat, and allowed me some sleep. My life spiraling out of control, I sought the help of a very skilled therapist, who I still see to this day. She helped me avoid an unfortunate ending, and started to help me put my life back together towards the end of 2012. I had little hope, little zest for life, when I visited my childhood home for Thanksgiving 2012. My sister was eager to cheer me up, encouraging me to ride her new ATV. Eventually, I got enough curiosity to try it. This was a mistake, and my novice skills got the best of me in short order. I lost control of the bike, and wrecked into some trees, shattering my femur in the accident. I was able to recover from the accident in about 3 months, and continue to rehab today. The accident only heightened my symptoms of PTSD.
Since the start of 2013, I have made recovery from PTSD my main goal. Through diet and supplementation, I was able to get my nervous system back under control, reducing my daily panic attacks now to non existent. Once anxiety was under control, I was able to make progress on my PTSD symptoms. I now have friends, my body is the healthiest it's ever been. I have spent thousands on acupuncture, massage, cognitive therapy, supplements and medications. I have 1300 hours in cognitive therapy over the last 2 years. I have eaten mushrooms many times. I have taken tested, high purity mdma on several occasions. All of these things have been helpful to various degrees, but I cannot shake these haunting reminders of my ex.
Its now been 30 months since I ended things with my ex. I have had any contact at all with her in well over a year. I'm now in my late 30s - I'm in great shape, good looking, financially stable, live in a nice apartment, but I cannot date. I have gone on a few dates recently, but I am psychologically stigmatized in some way. I keep expecting any woman I meet to turn into a horrible person, have a hidden agenda or to turn against me. I know that if I can just get past this mental block, if I could connect with another woman, it would be SO healing for my situation... yet I am so locked into trying to think around my psyche that i end up isolating. It is like living in a prison within your own soul. Its hard to be patient anymore, hard not to get angry after all I have been through. I have done all the work. I just want my mind FREE, back to my own control and thought processes... yet I cannot reboot.
I don't know what to do anymore. My heart is aching to connect with another, but I'm blocked on a deeper level. Hoping for any sort of encouraging advice or suggestion. Thanks for reading and any support
(backstory, summarized)
As a 33 year old man, I fell in love with a 20 year old tornado of a girl after a year of friendship. Things were ok until we accidentally got pregnant. She chose to abort, claiming physical reasons why she could not conceive. I didn't realize it at the time, but inside, i was crushed after the abortion. I fell into a deep depression, and she began to take control over the relationship. We moved across the country together, which made things even worse for me, as I now had no support network and no friends. 6 months after moving, she began cheating on me. She decided to tell me one night after she had given me some MDMA. This horrid night, I fell apart. I suspect this is when the PTSD began. For a few months, I lived like a dying man. I was so grateful when she came back to me that I thought I was able to forgive her past mistakes. 6 months later I came to the conclusion I couldn't trust her. She drove my business partner against me, causing him to turn on me and fuck me badly in a business deal. Crushed, heart broken, I tried taking a trip back home to regroup in June 2012. She used this opportunity as a chance to come to my house with a couple of guys and rob me. Already weak from all of her manipulations and abuse, this finally broke me. I moved into the city to a high rise apartment building for security. PTSD in full effect now, my days consumed with thoughts on revenge against my ex, my nights haunted by dreams of the same. Pot pretty much saved my life, possibly hers, at this point in my life. It was the only thing that kept me sane, grounded, gave me enough appetite to eat, and allowed me some sleep. My life spiraling out of control, I sought the help of a very skilled therapist, who I still see to this day. She helped me avoid an unfortunate ending, and started to help me put my life back together towards the end of 2012. I had little hope, little zest for life, when I visited my childhood home for Thanksgiving 2012. My sister was eager to cheer me up, encouraging me to ride her new ATV. Eventually, I got enough curiosity to try it. This was a mistake, and my novice skills got the best of me in short order. I lost control of the bike, and wrecked into some trees, shattering my femur in the accident. I was able to recover from the accident in about 3 months, and continue to rehab today. The accident only heightened my symptoms of PTSD.
Since the start of 2013, I have made recovery from PTSD my main goal. Through diet and supplementation, I was able to get my nervous system back under control, reducing my daily panic attacks now to non existent. Once anxiety was under control, I was able to make progress on my PTSD symptoms. I now have friends, my body is the healthiest it's ever been. I have spent thousands on acupuncture, massage, cognitive therapy, supplements and medications. I have 1300 hours in cognitive therapy over the last 2 years. I have eaten mushrooms many times. I have taken tested, high purity mdma on several occasions. All of these things have been helpful to various degrees, but I cannot shake these haunting reminders of my ex.
Its now been 30 months since I ended things with my ex. I have had any contact at all with her in well over a year. I'm now in my late 30s - I'm in great shape, good looking, financially stable, live in a nice apartment, but I cannot date. I have gone on a few dates recently, but I am psychologically stigmatized in some way. I keep expecting any woman I meet to turn into a horrible person, have a hidden agenda or to turn against me. I know that if I can just get past this mental block, if I could connect with another woman, it would be SO healing for my situation... yet I am so locked into trying to think around my psyche that i end up isolating. It is like living in a prison within your own soul. Its hard to be patient anymore, hard not to get angry after all I have been through. I have done all the work. I just want my mind FREE, back to my own control and thought processes... yet I cannot reboot.
I don't know what to do anymore. My heart is aching to connect with another, but I'm blocked on a deeper level. Hoping for any sort of encouraging advice or suggestion. Thanks for reading and any support
