*btw have eaten entire 2mg Xanax so sorry if this is a bit muddled, am unused to Xanax ...)
The other day I saw my daughter for a decent amount of time, finally. The occasion was a family funeral. She took the day off school and in the morning we watched a movie (Romper Stomper with Russell-Bloody-Crowe) and I made her a nice vegetarian lunch. Then we went to the funeral ... it was the first time in literally years that I had been able to take her to a family thing.
It was so lovely to see her, and I felt so proud of her, but of course she had to go back to her Dad's, and I have just absolutely crashed since.
Of course I have run out of bloody Dex as well. I had a bad binge after my daughter and I parted company ... then fell into a sort of coma for two days. Although I had no downers to speak of, I got hypersomnia and just stayed asleep for almost two days ... brief interludes of reading "Hitler and Stalin: Parallel Lives" - a very good book to have around under such circs.
I wish I had the drive to pick myself up and get well.
My daughter likes what I've done with my shitty flat, and has talked about maybe living with me again next year when she starts university ... but I am such a mess, such a disgrace, so unworthy of her.
Yet I want it to happen so badly.
I just can't cope without having to buy these illegal bloody dexies though. I just can't. The "real me" (ie, when I am not on stims) may have the merit of "authenticity" , but only if one rates authenticity as valuable simple because it's authentic. But is authenticity worth anything when you authentically can't even get out of bed?
And yet, when I saw my daughter, even though she is now 17, and even though (of course) I was on dex that day, our old thing came back ... I had the dignity of a mother and she was my wee hen again ...
Oh dear, I am out of it right now. Best just call it a day.
Am trying to examine my life. I suppose dropping a "brick" (2mg Xanax) isn't an ideal point of departure, but at least it will curtail my solitary drinking.
Everything is so insane and lonely at the moment.
I wish I'd never developed the dex issue. I seemed to get by without it before.
oh well.
The other day I saw my daughter for a decent amount of time, finally. The occasion was a family funeral. She took the day off school and in the morning we watched a movie (Romper Stomper with Russell-Bloody-Crowe) and I made her a nice vegetarian lunch. Then we went to the funeral ... it was the first time in literally years that I had been able to take her to a family thing.
It was so lovely to see her, and I felt so proud of her, but of course she had to go back to her Dad's, and I have just absolutely crashed since.
Of course I have run out of bloody Dex as well. I had a bad binge after my daughter and I parted company ... then fell into a sort of coma for two days. Although I had no downers to speak of, I got hypersomnia and just stayed asleep for almost two days ... brief interludes of reading "Hitler and Stalin: Parallel Lives" - a very good book to have around under such circs.
I wish I had the drive to pick myself up and get well.
My daughter likes what I've done with my shitty flat, and has talked about maybe living with me again next year when she starts university ... but I am such a mess, such a disgrace, so unworthy of her.
Yet I want it to happen so badly.
I just can't cope without having to buy these illegal bloody dexies though. I just can't. The "real me" (ie, when I am not on stims) may have the merit of "authenticity" , but only if one rates authenticity as valuable simple because it's authentic. But is authenticity worth anything when you authentically can't even get out of bed?
And yet, when I saw my daughter, even though she is now 17, and even though (of course) I was on dex that day, our old thing came back ... I had the dignity of a mother and she was my wee hen again ...
Oh dear, I am out of it right now. Best just call it a day.
Am trying to examine my life. I suppose dropping a "brick" (2mg Xanax) isn't an ideal point of departure, but at least it will curtail my solitary drinking.
Everything is so insane and lonely at the moment.
I wish I'd never developed the dex issue. I seemed to get by without it before.
oh well.