I am so depressed by what I really am at the moment ...

[MrsGamp]

*btw have eaten entire 2mg Xanax so sorry if this is a bit muddled, am unused to Xanax ...)

The other day I saw my daughter for a decent amount of time, finally. The occasion was a family funeral. She took the day off school and in the morning we watched a movie (Romper Stomper with Russell-Bloody-Crowe) and I made her a nice vegetarian lunch. Then we went to the funeral ... it was the first time in literally years that I had been able to take her to a family thing.

It was so lovely to see her, and I felt so proud of her, but of course she had to go back to her Dad's, and I have just absolutely crashed since.

Of course I have run out of bloody Dex as well. I had a bad binge after my daughter and I parted company ... then fell into a sort of coma for two days. Although I had no downers to speak of, I got hypersomnia and just stayed asleep for almost two days ... brief interludes of reading "Hitler and Stalin: Parallel Lives" - a very good book to have around under such circs.

I wish I had the drive to pick myself up and get well.

My daughter likes what I've done with my shitty flat, and has talked about maybe living with me again next year when she starts university ... but I am such a mess, such a disgrace, so unworthy of her.

Yet I want it to happen so badly.

I just can't cope without having to buy these illegal bloody dexies though. I just can't. The "real me" (ie, when I am not on stims) may have the merit of "authenticity" , but only if one rates authenticity as valuable simple because it's authentic. But is authenticity worth anything when you authentically can't even get out of bed?

And yet, when I saw my daughter, even though she is now 17, and even though (of course) I was on dex that day, our old thing came back ... I had the dignity of a mother and she was my wee hen again ...

Oh dear, I am out of it right now. Best just call it a day.

Am trying to examine my life. I suppose dropping a "brick" (2mg Xanax) isn't an ideal point of departure, but at least it will curtail my solitary drinking.

Everything is so insane and lonely at the moment.

I wish I'd never developed the dex issue. I seemed to get by without it before.

oh well.

 

[Shady's Fox]

Give up on pills, go team Sobriety. 12 yrs here, only green which is not a drug. These are temporary useless thoughts, you will be just fine. Time will do it's trick -- no need to flop the brick

 

[deficiT]

It's reallly hard to get away from amphetamines once they've got their hooks in you. But I've seen people do it. Whether it's substituting one drug for another, we should be looking for harm reduction here. I wish you the best and I will pray for you @MrsGamp I will do the best I can to support you and my dms are always open but that only means so much. You really need to just stop taking uppers they will rip the soul from out of you. I'm worried I'm going t0 fall back into that hole soon, but luckily I have a partner to copilot this difficult illness. I truly wish you the best and love you, I really think you should just try a 30 day treatment center it's really not that bad I promise. I just got back from one, and I'm starting to get my life back together. Even if you don't become complete sober it can be a good time to just not have to worry about anything for awhile and let your body recover.

Drink lots of water please and try and stay sober, I will pray for you tonight, please take care.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I struggle to grasp someone having an uncontrollable addiction to dexies since I see them as a very mild partial antidote to cocaine, methamphetamine and alcohol addictions. However, I don’t doubt the pain you are going through. Both the drug pain and the larger existential pain

Do you want genuine sobriety? Or just a cheap and reliable permanent connection for dex?

We can offer you all kinds of advice but it’s a bit pointless when what you really want for yourself is not entirely clear.

What would your life look like in a year if you could have whatever you wanted?

 

[neversickanymore]

I struggle to grasp someone having an uncontrollable addiction to dexies since I see them as a very mild partial antidote to cocaine

They work like a charm for some cocaine addicts. The trouble i think with the studies that have been done on replacement therapy for cocaine is they were really small and done over limited time. Also, people become addicted to what ever drug and then they face addiction and whatever side effects their doc causes. I know people addicted to grass and especially wax. I don't think dex is a mild drug though.

 

[MrsGamp]

I never had an issue with amphetamines (unless you count using OTC sudafed now and then ...plus using speed occasionally as a party drug in my 20s...

I started using Dex cos it was prescribed for my ex. he tended to binge and wanted company ...although he also expected me to come across with my meds to recompense him (ie Valium and Lyrica plus painkillers I was prescribed after he broke my arm...not on purpose. He shoved me too hard and I crashed to the floor...)

 

[MrsGamp]

I struggle to grasp someone having an uncontrollable addiction to dexies since I see them as a very mild partial antidote to cocaine, methamphetamine and alcohol addictions. However, I don’t doubt the pain you are going through. Both the drug pain and the larger existential pain

Do you want genuine sobriety? Or just a cheap and reliable permanent connection for dex?

We can offer you all kinds of advice but it’s a bit pointless when what you really want for yourself is not entirely clear.

What would your life look like in a year if you could have whatever you wanted?

re: "Do you want genuine sobriety? Or just a cheap and reliable permanent connection for dex?"

I am in two minds about this. I have recalcitrant depressive mood despite being on insanely high doses of duloxetine and mirtazapine.

Obviously the dex perk me up and make me more or less functional ... unless I binge on them, which I am apt to do, because I will binge on pretty much everything except cannabis (God, I wish I liked cannabis ... but it's never done shit for me ...)

If I could have whatever I wanted in 12 months, I would have -

- a part time job
- a car
- my daughter living with me again
- a writing prioject that was going well, and a set daily routine for my writing
- my intellect back in gear.

If I got prescribed Dex, but on a strict staged supply, I think that would be helpful. Ie, if I was on no more than 30 mgs per day. Anymore than 30 mgs and I become a talking sock. A little amphetamine goes a long long way with me ...

 

[Jabberwocky]

If I got prescribed Dex, but on a strict staged supply, I think that would be helpful. Ie, if I was on no more than 30 mgs per day. Anymore than 30 mgs and I become a talking sock. A little amphetamine goes a long long way with me ...

Have you ever tried to be assessed for ADHD?

 

[Jabberwocky]

..not on purpose. He shoved me too hard and I crashed to the floor...)

That’s pretty much “on purpose”

 

[mokele]

*btw have eaten entire 2mg Xanax so sorry if this is a bit muddled, am unused to Xanax ...)

The other day I saw my daughter for a decent amount of time, finally. The occasion was a family funeral. She took the day off school and in the morning we watched a movie (Romper Stomper with Russell-Bloody-Crowe) and I made her a nice vegetarian lunch. Then we went to the funeral ... it was the first time in literally years that I had been able to take her to a family thing.

It was so lovely to see her, and I felt so proud of her, but of course she had to go back to her Dad's, and I have just absolutely crashed since.

Of course I have run out of bloody Dex as well. I had a bad binge after my daughter and I parted company ... then fell into a sort of coma for two days. Although I had no downers to speak of, I got hypersomnia and just stayed asleep for almost two days ... brief interludes of reading "Hitler and Stalin: Parallel Lives" - a very good book to have around under such circs.

I wish I had the drive to pick myself up and get well.

My daughter likes what I've done with my shitty flat, and has talked about maybe living with me again next year when she starts university ... but I am such a mess, such a disgrace, so unworthy of her.

Yet I want it to happen so badly.

I just can't cope without having to buy these illegal bloody dexies though. I just can't. The "real me" (ie, when I am not on stims) may have the merit of "authenticity" , but only if one rates authenticity as valuable simple because it's authentic. But is authenticity worth anything when you authentically can't even get out of bed?

And yet, when I saw my daughter, even though she is now 17, and even though (of course) I was on dex that day, our old thing came back ... I had the dignity of a mother and she was my wee hen again ...

Oh dear, I am out of it right now. Best just call it a day.

Am trying to examine my life. I suppose dropping a "brick" (2mg Xanax) isn't an ideal point of departure, but at least it will curtail my solitary drinking.

Everything is so insane and lonely at the moment.

I wish I'd never developed the dex issue. I seemed to get by without it before.

oh well.

I just wish you well and that its just a phase in your life! Maybe examine closely if the dex is helping or maybe causing some of the symptoms. Your dopamine level will go down on steady use and you need it to be steady/happy ( happy sounds so daft). If you liked Romper Stomper, do check Made in Britain! Old film but muuuch better IMO.
Good luck!