TDS I am losing myself to dope and coke.... I hate my life and have no idea what to do

[Justlooking529]

Hello all,
I have been a somewhat (heavy) recreational user of LSD, DMT, MDMA, 2-CB, and the likes since my teenage years. My brother was, and is still a recovering heroin, benzo, and cocaine addict. So I enjoyed my psychs; tripping balls at Pink Floyd shows, exploring the galaxy on DMT, did my fair share of rolling face on MDMA, but most of all my true love was acid. I had an awesome connect to amazing WoW LSD that was beyond my wildest dreams of clean acid. Over about 2-3 years I went through about 800 hits of it, but never dosed more than 500uq at a time. I typically enjoyed 200-300uq as my normal dose. Throughout this time on acid, I found myself. I learned about my inner workings and what drove my various behaviors, my ego was absolutely obliterated, and essentially I was forever changed. And I truly Thank God for that because I had no idea that I've been living my first 20something years blind as a bat and totally controlled by 'the powers that be' and the society we live in.
Anyway, I digress. So after seeing my brothers addiction struggles and his destroyed life I swore never to try or use any highly addictive substances. And, despite getting tempted from time to time, I never gave in and kept this rule. Then one day while at work I got an extreme tooth ache out of no where, and the pain was so severe that I had to leave work in the middle of my shift and go to an emergency dentist and it turned out i needed to have my wisdom tooth pulled which they couldn't get me in for a week. "But how can I possible go a week like this sir, this needs to be fixed right away!" His solution, as you all can guess, was giving me 20 10mg Norco. They were gone in 3 days and I called him for a refill, which he gave me, because I absolutely needed to feel that amazingness again. This was my first time taking opiates and I immediately felt like I have just met the love of my life. I absolutely LOVED the way that I felt on them and saw no harm since, you know it was from a doctor and I'm not looking for an addiction like all these other junkies who cant control themselves. I'm just using them for this week for my tooth, so I will be fine. That was really my thought processes, just like every one else in the beginning . I will get more into detail in my soon-to-be created thread, but long story short it is now 4 years later and I am still battling a decent-sized Heroin addiction. I HATE Heroin. It no longer gets me high by snorting it, and every day the urge to just get a rig and truly experience all that this evil poison we call Heroin has to offer... But I know what will come along with it and I DO NOT want it. I have a life, and I LOVE it. I have an AMAZING, loving, kind, incredibly beautiful, supportive, loyal, sweetheart of a wife who I've put through hell since we got married, just 18 months ago... Once again, I HATE HEROIN and what it does to people. I HATE how to deceives you. Now when I look in the mirror, I see a stranger dully staring back at me. I've quit heroin and withdrew maybe 15 times so far, and my best attempt I lasted 13 days. All that said, here I am still secretly taking hundreds of dollars and snorting around 20 bags a day with it. Heroin, and my many failures to quit are DESTROYING everything that I love. My marriage is falling apart, and I am fucking watching it happen and I feel powerless to stop it, then snort another few bags because I cant handle my reality. I cant handle what I've done... Before any of this happened we were the closest that two people could ever be. We had love beyond love, passion beyond passion, an understanding of each other beyond what I would've ever imagined possible. "But wait, there's more!" So after people recently noticing me nodding out at my very excellent career, I've recently added cocaine to the mix to help with the energy. So that went from a free .2 gram sample from my scumbag dealer, to a gram or so a day for the last 7 days. I am in so deep. I am drowning and I do not know what to do. I am lost. Totally and utterly lost. I feel like a piece of gum on the bottom of a homeless guys shoe. I feel like a worthless, helpless, pathetic, lonely as hell LOSER. I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning, and I cant sleep at night. I just want to stay in bed hidden, alone, forgotten and just rot away.... I will be quitting again tomorrow with my last dose being about 5 minutes ago. I have some clonidine, Gabapentin, and 2 8mb strips to help me through. It's going to suck, it always does, but I'm confident I'll get through it. But then what? What's going to make this attempt any different or better? I have no idea what the heck to do... If anyone has any feedback, personal experiences, or advice that would be absolutely amazing. But if not, well I guess I just needed to get out where I am somehow.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story...

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Get on a blocking dose of buprenorphine or methadone and stay on it for a while. Find a good therapist (if you have an excellent career and can afford gram+ / day heroin habit, I'm sure you can afford some mental health counseling). Once you've stabilized your life situation to some degree you can decide how long-term you want the opioid replacement therapy to be.

 

[WeAlwaysHaveHope]

If your addiction is bad enough...you might should consider an in-patient rehab..

I have great impathy for you man...I have struggled with opiate addiction for a few years now. But I've been clean from them for the last few months now. All thanks to kratom(only plain leaf, NO NO extract). No doubt I've just traded one addiction for another, but kratom has completely stopped my drug-seeking behavior and given me a normalcy to my life. You should try kratom if you don't go to rehab. If you do try it, you must give it a chance to work and you must do your research online about it.

I know of a inpatient rehab that is free and it is good. I attended it for 30 days. If you would like info on it , please PM me and I'll give you the name of it, and tell you how to get into it

.I hope you take steps today to fix your life. Not only for your sake, but for everyone who loves you's sake.

Please, please, whatever you do!, do not listen to your thoughts that say you can't defeat your addiction or find a way to cope with it! That is the addiction/drugs telling you this!

One foot in front of the other. You got this!

Ps, The mind-fuck of withdrawals was always the worst for me..I would have rather been shitting water and puking at the same time, than to have that mindfuck...constantly remind yourself that it's temporary. That it WILL go away eventually.

 

[Justlooking529]

Thank you guys for your replies, it's a really good feeling and also productive to be able to tell my story uncut and have people hear and understand.

Burnt Offerings, I've used subs short-term several times, with probably 2 weeks being my longest run. The problem is I am terrified of becoming physically dependent on bupe and then getting stuck like so many others. Also I've read so many horror stories and read and also experienced very inconvenient side effects with bupe. My brother is currently tapering off of a 5 year, 16mg a day habit. He is doing incredible, currently at just .2 mg a day in 6 months, but man has it been a rough six months. I don't want to have to do that, you know? But if it's the only way to stay off dope and get some normalcy back, it will definitely be an option. Thank you for your reply and input.

WeAlwaysHaveHope, thank you so much for your reply. Just typing your username is helpful! Lol.

I greatly appreciate your empathy, compassion, and understanding. I am very interested in Kratom. I understand that it will also create a physical dependence over time, but the fact that it's natural, not an opiate, and 10000x better than heroin clearly outweigh the negatives. I am going to send you a PM right after this.

Thank you guys

 

[johnnypotsmoker198]

I was a pretty hardcore heroin addict for a while and I know exactly what you are going through.

There was a point in my life where i was using around .5 grams of heroin, 2x per day just to be normal. I was no longer getting high and I no longer wanted to use, I just knew I had to for survival. Heroin become my water, where it was a necessity for survival. I had fear, I hated myself and I felt worthless. The hardest part of an opiate addiction is feeling trapped and unable to escape this addiction.

I had gone through multiple programs trying to quit, but I would consistently relapse. My biggest failure was suboxone as this never worked for me. I would go on suboxone treatments and initially, I did well, but influence from the outside world and I am sure myself, would lead me back into the heroin usage. The illusion of control or the idea that you can somehow "this time" use the drug responsibly and not become an addict again was a delusion I would consistently find myself in.

I think its important that you are recognizing you wish to quit and that you are looking at yourself and your life. It's important to keep these in mind and use them as a motivator to get sober. The worst thing you can do is type this post on bluelight, pat yourself on the back that you wish to get sober, then find yourself doing the same thing; Revisiting the issue 3 months later telling yourself you wish to get sober and want to get sober, but have done nothing about it. Its such an easy trap to fall into. I would take this moment that you are feeling the hate for the drug and turn it into something that can be positive in your life before it is lost. Do something about it instead of falling back into the old habits and your will to be sober will be overcome with apathy that the drug will inevitably bring.

After going in and out of rehabs for years (I would do the 1 week stay in a local mental hospital rehab unit) I finally found a solution that did work for me, but my story to sobriety is probably not typical.

I found a Methadone clinic that happened to be 2 blocks from my apartment and I signed up for the treatment program. This was the first and most successful treatment I found for my addiction. I started Methadone and stayed off heroin for 2 years doing their program, taking around 120 MG a day and was successfully completelying the program to the point where I was getting a 30 day supply take home. Methadone is difficult to start and does take commitment, you must go every morning for at least the first 6 months to get dosage and this includes weekends.

2 years after no longer doing heroin, I did find myself in another predicament. I was off heroin, no longer abusing (never even double dosed on Methadone) and more importantly, I was out of the drug scene, but I was addicted to Methadone. Of course, I was now doctor prescribed addict, but I my life had completely turned around.

This was my 2nd portion to conquer, which surprisingly, lead me to another rehab. I did a 1 week stay in the local mental facility where instead of a suboxone maintenance, I was prescribed Adavan, which I reduced any withdraws and allowed me to finally get sober.

One of the concepts that I truly feel helped with the whole process was the removal of the drug scene from my life. The removal of the association of drug use and this disassociation helped me no longer find the need to use a drug to feel normal. By doing Methadone for 2 years, I no longer felt its effects and I was at the point where the only thing the drug did was make me normal.

This helped me conquer the mental addiction where I was able to finally kick the physical addiction and the lack of association allowed me to continue a normal life after my stay at the rehab.

I am have been sober for over 2 years and have no intentions of going back. I see the drug as you see it now, a horrible and shamed portion of my past.

I wish you luck and I am not saying Methadone is the best option for you as you will read horror stories of the withdraws. All I can say is that you use this opportunity to lay out a plan to find a solution that will work for you. If you have struggled in the past with relapse as I had, you may want to consider a Methadone Clinic, but be forwarned, this will only legitimize your addiction, but will remove you from the scene and association that comes with the drug habit.

This was a huge portion and I do thank Methadone for my ultimate recovery. Good Luck to you and please seek help before falling back into constant state of apathy. I can say after being completely sober, Heroin is one of my biggest mistakes and I only look back on the addiction with shame.

I hope one day you will share this.

 

[SoBright]

Hey man. I'm in a similar boat at you right now. Sucks eh?

Try Kratom. It definitely works.

 

[NewJerseyChill]

"So after people recently noticing me nodding out at my very excellent career,"

LOL, thats fuckin embarrassing. I can identify with that. getting high in front of coworkers and public is NOT good. well, some people look way more fucked up than others. thats me, i stick out like a sore thumb. on top of that i have tendencies to black out if my shot was too strong or idk, i just used to black out quite a bit on the shit and go on auto pilot. That reason alone will deter from getting high at work and i rather just wait.

Listen man i dont know what these people are recommending you, i did see someone mention kratom.
Personally i wouldnt bother with kratom, its like a shitty percocet and u cant shoot it up so it's garbage as far as im concerned.
if u want to counter with another substance go suboxone or subutex. worse case scenario methadone, it rots your bones... :/

If you really want to stop, IF you really want to stop.
you need to say screw my job, screw everything. go to a 30 day rehab. tough it out, dont be a bitch. give yourself a chance. don't try to be part of the "cool crowd" if u do go to a rehab.
make the most of it. Let it all out.

if that doesnt work, then personally i would get high one last time and check in a 1 yr program or a drug addiction farm community type thing. to get u back in touch with nature and reality...the hard way.

before you go to rehab i would recommend making a selfie video stating what you feel at the moment, what has changed in your life due to getting high, embarassing moments, etc.
include family and support, so you hold yourself accountable.


maybe get high one last time and then check yourself in. If you are in Fl or jersey i can recommend some good ones lol...unfortunately.

the next time u get high may be your last. not like that ever stopped me anyway.