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  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards | negrogesic

I am a forever Junky...and that suits me just fine

I think the term "functional" is misleading for a couple of reasons. First, like a lot of stuff, this is really more of a spectrum than a black/white dichotomy. I taught children for years as a Heroin addict meanwhile girls and friends found me to be incapable of actually being present. Even if I wasn't robbing people, neglecting people that you invite into your life can cause damage all on its own by making them feel worthless.

It's all just my opinion, but I feel that you always are sacrificing something. It could be money, true love and affection, connecting with the world around you etc. I could never trust anyone no matter how hard I tried. I viewed the entire world and most of its people as essentially fake. Heroin takes a lot, but as a friend, at least it never lied to me and the ground rules were established early on in the relationship. I've been an IV user since about 15-16 and my relationship with Heroin has more or less defined my view of relationships in general. As you might expect, I'm a well-adjusted adult with a wife I hate, a mistress blackmailing me and my "me time" is spent playing golf while contemplating suicide, which is the American dream.
 
Keif' Richards said:
^Just to clarify, I'm definitely not married. I'd be satisfied with the occasional catfish at this point.
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I hear you loud and clear. Everything you said rings true on these ears. I was thinking to myself after I posted this entry that it is all such bullshit. I am functioning, but I'm alone. That won't change as long as I'm using. Its just soooo comfortable. The reason why I started in the first place was because I was utterly alone. So the thought of being in this very fucked up world without it does not sound like something I want to navigate at this time:-( So there's that. Are you still using or clean?
 
I have been able to 'function' , if gear is there no questions, which right now it is. Also have benzos habit on top, fake diazepam which is etizolam & my bars test back as alpraz. I take benzos because the way they take away anxiety & dread I get, heroin just makes me feel good, trying to make ££ as well, doing OK if I never smoked kit ad be able to put a good bit more away, I take meth, Monday to Friday night then I'll crack open half GS of kit, don't smoke rock or do anything else part from heroin & benzo type drugs, plus weed & that cost the most when its constant gas or Cali packs.

Am doing sound just now, could be doing better tho
 
For most of my life I've remained a pretty high functioning addict. Even through two years of daily heroin use.

It's only when I move on to IV stimulant use that all of that goes out the window.

Luckily, I've been able to regain my sanity each time I've lost it.
 
I believe a person that makes peace with anything is way ahead of one who hasn't. An addict who is at peace with themselves is much better off than a health nut who struggles and is not addicted to anything except air, water and food. Struggling is the tough part.. Making peace is all of life.

The same away a person can jog, exercise, eat vegetables and clean water but if they are a worrier none of that stuff matters. A person that has made peace with eating a pizza and soda on a couch is healthier. :D

Hey Nature gave us a whole bunch of tools to help with our lives to think we have to shun them because some people think we "shouldn't" do what they dont want us to do? Just because? I believe from the skin in it is a person's choice as what they do with their body. But remember I said from the skin in, where a lof ot us maintain addictions and they do not affect anyone else. That seems legit. But then we get to an alcoholic (or other drug) and a person causes misery to others. Right there it is not from the skin in anymore, you have affected others.

I did go from heroin addiction to methadone a few times years ago, then discovered poppy tea and my life improved not having to hustle then to kratom over 38 years total. It was when I obtained balance with kratom that I totally made peace with my actions. But wow did I use to feel guily and was hard on myself. As soon as I reaized I am productive member of the human race and kinder than most a-holes I made peace with all my substance use. (except alcohol that stuff is very disrupting). I have not drank in 15 years.

I tend to think of opiates the way Jonathan Ott did. That in a way they can be smart drugs. A little radical but he said it not me. :)
 
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JackARoe said:
I believe a person that makes peace with anything is way ahead of one who hasn't. An addict who is at peace with themselves is much better off than a health nut who struggles and is not addicted to anything except air, water and food. Struggling is the tough part.. Making peace is all of life.

The same away a person can jog, exercise, eat vegetables and clean water but if they are a worrier none of that stuff matters. A person that has made peace with eating a pizza and soda on a couch is healthier. :D

Hey Nature gave us a whole bunch of tools to help with our lives to think we have to shun them because some people think we "shouldn't" do what they dont want us to do? Just because? I believe from the skin in it is a person's choice as what they do with their body. But remember I said from the skin in, where a lof ot us maintain addictions and they do not affect anyone else. That seems legit. But then we get to an alcoholic (or other drug) and a person causes misery to others. Right there it is not from the skin in anymore, you have affected others.

I did go from heroin addiction to methadone a few times years ago, then discovered poppy tea and my life improved not having to hustle then to kratom over 38 years total. It was when I obtained balance with kratom that I totally made peace with my actions. But wow did I use to feel guily and was hard on myself. As soon as I reaized I am productive member of the human race and kinder than most a-holes I made peace with all my substance use. (except alcohol that stuff is very disrupting). I have not drank in 15 years.

I tend to think of opiates the way Jonathan Ott did. That in a way they can be smart drugs. A little radical but he said it not me. :)
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100% and you sound like you know what your speaking of. Poppy tea huh? I shall do some reading tonight.
 
NicoOregon said:
I know, I know, no one believes there are functional addicts out there but I concur. I really love my heroin! I have always been a responsible user and I live by the rule; if you choose to do a specific drug, you better work and have an income to support that habit. I can easily see myself growing old as a junky.

Im curious as to if there are others?
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Have been saying the same shit for years, always nice to come across like minded individuals that understand it on the same level. Its annoying af when somebody, generally non or ex user, wants to discuss this the proceeds to judge and demonize rather than except and rationalize....damn that was sum dr seuss shit....
 
I did a teaching job in Phom Penh where I had pretty easy access to cheap and powerful Heroin/Morphine which I thought would get me in trouble. After a few weeks of high-dose use, I realized that I wasnt even enjoying it, it was just sedating me. So on my own, I lowered my dosage to about a gram a day. That was enough for me to fell it, enjoy it and not be visibly sedated. I completed the whole school year on Heroin. How's that for a PSA in favor of Heroin Maintenance Therapy. When we have as much dope as we could ever want, we would most likely normalize to a reasonable dose so we can still live our lives. I totally believe in the Heroin Maintenance theories and results
 
SnafuInTheVoid said:
Labels are never permanent. Adhesive loses effectiveness with time.
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Exactly and in all honestly who is not an addict to something. But labels were always lame in my opinion.

I remember the judgment some people had with the notion of never use alone. Is that still a thing? Because if it is I suspect most of us break that rule daily. That is a silly one though. Of course I use alone. And with others but mostly alone. What kind of label should I have? lol
 
JackARoe said:
I remember the judgment some people had with the notion of never use alone. Is that still a thing?
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Yeah... Some people will never understand and certain drugs and drugs in general will ALWAYS have stigmata

It's very much still a thing. I have a friend active on heroin and tell them to message me every time they use and to msg me 10 min after. That's about as close to not using alone as we can be, but it's better than nothing.
 
I guess we could count Siri and Alexa as not being alone. So do your hit and ask Alexa to play some rock and roll!

I would venture to say if you can't use alone you have issues. There is that saying: “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
 
Abs
NicoOregon said:
I know, I know, no one believes there are functional addicts out there but I concur. I really love my heroin! I have always been a responsible user and I live by the rule; if you choose to do a specific drug, you better work and have an income to support that habit. I can easily see myself growing old as a junky.

Im curious as to if there are others?
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Absoloutely! I enjoyed a pile of Christians and I've never been the same. I can't say it hurt me, though caused confusion through others. I'm a physicist so its quite different for me. If you can afford it, your happy and know what your up against long term...go for it. You should add a goal and it will make it ten times better. Kudos
 
NicoOregon said:
I know, I know, no one believes there are functional addicts out there but I concur. I really love my heroin! I have always been a responsible user and I live by the rule; if you choose to do a specific drug, you better work and have an income to support that habit. I can easily see myself growing old as a junky.

Im curious as to if there are others?
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Im a functional addict myself of 2yrs of banging black tar. I miss my H but I needed to get myzelf straight for a bit.
 
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