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I’m bluelight’s resident porn star- ask me anything

HeadphonesandLSD said:
I do not mean to be rude. But I wanted to ask this and I'll probably never get another chance (assuming you are what you claim to be).

My question is: Do you feel shame for what you've done? Do you have children or plan to have children? What do you plan to tell them about your past when they're getting old enough to find out about it through the internet?

How do you feel about your content being on the internet forever? Would you take some of it down if you could?

I have personally never seen the appeal in porn. Even when I was growing up and friends would put on VHS tapes of porn while we were very young I didn't care for it. I'd play along because peer pressure and make comments on it I knew the other guys would want to hear just to blend in. But I would have rather been doing anything else. I always left the room if someone started jerking their gerkin'. I never understood why a group of men wanted to watch porn and jack off together. They always did stupid shit. I once saw a black kid's afro full of someone else's cum. The guy that did it came running to my room (where I was hanging out with another friend that didn't want to be in the room with porn). He was laughing so hard he could barely talk and then he finally managed to say: "I nutted in Domino's hair! hahahah". I stepped out of my room just in time to see the poor guy walking across the hall to the bathroom to shower and get it off his afro. I felt bad for him but it was pretty fucking funny at the time (he was an asshole).

Enough about that though back to my original questions; What made you want to do porn in the first place? Money? If it was money do you feel like it was worth it to trade your modesty/reputation for cash?

Were you hoping that you'd eventually be able to move into real acting or otherwise move into a more socially acceptable career? (modeling, voice acting, acting..whatever).

Did you know that up until the 1910s-1920s that regular actors were considered to be the same class as street walkers/whores? It was seen as undesirable by wider society because they were selling their bodies for money. Even things like Broadway shows were seen as being the same thing as doing porn. At least as far as "civil society" was concerned.

You may have already answered some of these questions. I didn't go through the thread yet. I just read the OP. Sorry if I'm asking things that have been asked before.

I have some more questions:

Assuming you've gone over to the onlyfans business model; How do you feel about the men that pay you in exchange for pictures and private chats or other services of that nature? Do you offer the "girlfriend experience" or anything like that? Or are you strictly doing films? A lot of girls doing that stuff will say their clients and pathetic/losers behind their backs. I'm just wondering how you feel about them in private. I figure it's really fucking annoying to deal with getting requests and messages from those type of people.

How do you feel about the producers, directors and all the people making tons of money off porn while paying the actors peanuts? Are they sleazy? Do you have any stories you could tell about things of that nature?

I must admit I am bit jealous that girls who look good can kind of coast through life in some respects. I don't mean to be insulting. But it's obvious that a lot of lonely people will throw money at a girl that posts pictures of herself modeling clothes on the internet or offering private webcam shows and things like that. I personally consider people that pay for that stuff to be losers myself. But I understand why a lot of them are that way. I do not understand this addiction a lot of people have to porn.

I personally use my imagination when I feel the need and don't have a partner around to play with. I'll admit sometimes I might look at animated/drawn content of this nature. Also I'll sometimes watch porn with real actors, maybe once every 5 years. But it's very rare and I always feel shameful after I do it. I'm also in a position where my main fetish isn't something that I can ever obtain in real life (unless they're hiding some advanced technology we don't know about).

For me as I've aged sex is now something I don't have a desire to do with anyone but someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with. Sex is fun but it feels meaningless when it's a one night stand type of situation. The only reason I take care of myself anymore is I don't want to make a mess of my underwear and sheets while I'm sleeping. Since if I go longer than say a week without taking care of it I'll always have wet dreams. Which are fun sometimes but I always wake up as soon as I finish and I like to cuddle. Hard to do that with dream girl when you can't enjoy a smoke and cuddle session after finishing.

It's fascinating how our lives differ so much just because of luck of the draw at birth. I often wonder how different my life would be and how I'd be mentally if I was born as the other sex. I wish everyone could do whatever they wanted (provided it didn't hurt other people) and be whatever they wanted without offending and being shunned by society. I obviously don't agree with your profession but I respect your right to do it and understand why you would go into it given the body you got put into when you were born here.

Which leads to my last question: If you could be anyone and do anything you wanted would you still have gone into doing porn?

Again, I do not mean to offend. I'm just curious. Best of luck to you and I hope you are happy. Take care.
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Hey, thank you for the great questions. And no offense taken at all! I appreciate you asking such in depth questions.

Yes, I have children now. My daughter is almost 3 and my son is nearly 2. I don’t feel any shame, I live with no regrets. Every single thing I’ve ever done has lead me to where I am now. I’m a resilient human being and a good mother. I have no plans on telling them about my past in the adult industry. I was a stripper before that, and I would be more likely to share that, than my adult industry involvement. Mostly because that would be uncomfortable for them. If they ever did find out, that would be a conversation we have at that time. And I would be straight up about it. I do plan on telling them, when they’re old enough, about my drug addiction and homelessness. I want them to learn from me, not to be like me. I want them to know how far their mom has come and that anything is possible.

How do I feel about my content being online forever? Well, I’m a wife and a mother now. In a perfect world, I would absolutely prefer my content be removed. But still, I have no regrets.

I never wanted to be a porn star when I grew up. I did, however, want to be a stripper. I grew up in poverty and I was often neglected and went without. So I said, one day I’m gonna be a stripper and I’ll never not have what I need to survive. From there, it leaded to porn. But that’s another story, maybe I’ll explain the ins and outs of that situation later. It’s a doozy. Stripping is just stripping, you’re not fucking for cash. Or, at least, I wasn’t. But porn, that’s another thing. And to answer your question, it was not worth trading my modesty and reputation for fast cash.

I always wanted to be a real actress. Believe it or not, I’ve got real acting chops. I was in theater in high school, and I always envisioned myself as an actress. Being how cute I was, I probably could’ve made it into mainstream if I didn’t go the other route. But I had low self esteem at the time. It was the strip club industry where I finally realized how hot I was and how I can use that for my advantage.

I have no onlyfans, I don’t shoot content anymore of any kind. I don’t get messages from anyone requesting this either, because all my socials are private and use my government name. I have no part of that life in my current life. In this life, I’m just a mom and a wife.

Believe it or not, I have mostly fond memories of my time on the industry. I built genuine friendships with many of the directors for my favorite companies and I loved being on set together. Some of us felt like a big family. They’re normal, average people who have genuine talent and just started directing porn because of failure to break into the mainstream industry for whatever reason.

Coasting through life sounds like a dream, and has been far from my personal experience. I’ve lived a very hard life. However, I’m so grateful for it. I’m so grateful for everything that has ever happened to me. It has made me an amazing mother. Nobody is ever hurting my kids and my kids definitely ain’t getting away with shit because their mom has been through it all.

In a perfect life, I would have loved to be a real actress. But life isn’t perfect and this is the one I was given. I am so grateful for the honor and opportunity of being mother to E and J. I don’t take that role lightly.
 
fuckabout89 said:
Oh yeah Kelly Divine that was one of my favorite pornstars! You're really getting me nostalgic now lol.
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Was she the one who killed herself? I knew her, she was cool with me. She had issues though, I could tell. I mean, all of us have issues and that’s why we find ourselves in adult film. But some of us, like myself, are ace at compartmentalization.
 
SoCalShordie said:
Was she the one who killed herself? I knew her, she was cool with me. She had issues though, I could tell. I mean, all of us have issues and that’s why we find ourselves in adult film. But some of us, like myself, are ace at compartmentalization.
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I have no idea haven't looked into if she killed herself. No she didnt kill herself. Its just that fucking speed baby thay gets you takes you to another level takes too ascension. I know this may seem like objection but it is what is. Its pure pleasure for men that lonely i just want a chick to cuddle with and people like you bring me too what a man is suppose to be. Its hard to describe but it is classicalfickal of lonimen
 
SoCalShordie said:
Was she the one who killed herself? I knew her, she was cool with me. She had issues though, I could tell. I mean, all of us have issues and that’s why we find ourselves in adult film. But some of us, like myself, are ace at compartmentalization.
Click to expand...
Women like you bring ne to God or what ever r you want to call it. You know you bring me to warmth you do a duty a god and what ever you want to c all it

People like you bring m w comfort and oneness to the crazy creator of this imcisetrs3 lonilobly old 28 year old mej
 
SoCalShordie said:
Hey, thank you for the great questions. And no offense taken at all! I appreciate you asking such in depth questions.

<snip>
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Thanks for your reply. I'm glad you're doing better now and have settled down with someone and had children. If things ever get hard in the marriage please try to stick it out and make it work. The way I was raised the women were the queens of the house. What they said was the law. It sounds like you're that type of Mom. My Mom split when I was 6 years old. One day I came home from school and she told me she wouldn't be around anymore and that I would be living with my Dad. I didn't see her for a long time after that. She was supposed to come pick me up on weekends but didn't show because she was off doing drugs (probably cocaine) and things a mother shouldn't be doing.

I have a horrible memory of standing at the end of our long drive way for hours because she was supposed to come. I dragged my little brother along. We stood there from about 4pm until sunset. I would get excited every time I saw a car come over the hill that looked like hers. I wanted to see her so badly. My brother wanted to go back in the house but I made him stand there with me because I wanted Mom to know we were waiting for her and was trying to help her by getting picked up there so she didn't have to see Dad (they were having bag arguments and yelling at each other all of the time just before she left).

She never showed up. My Dad had to come out there and talk to us. He said to come back into the house. I was heart broken. I didn't see her again for months. Then when she finally did show up she was strung out and living with some strange man.

I won't go into all the details but the short version is she ran through the entire savings account for cocaine then started taking out loans and using credit to cover the bills. She kept that up for about a year before Dad caught on. By the time he did they were in massive debt that took him years to climb out of. She wouldn't stop using so they finally split. It was horrible.

All of the above ruined my relationships with women forever. I still have a very hard time trusting women. If they lie to me one time I get very angry and don't want to see them anymore. I have a good relationship with my mother now because I worked at it when I got to my teenage years.

The point I'm trying to make is children need a mother in the home and what you do around them will effect them for their entire lives. It sounds like you're on the right track. I know the terrible 2s are horrible but trust me you'll miss it when they get a bit older. They grow up so fast. I have no children of my own sadly (well I had two that never made it into the world). But I've helped raised my little brother, half sister and several of my friend's children. I had to become a parent at age 6 and do everything Mom used to do and half of what Dad did because Dad had to work long hours and I barely saw him.

The children are the most important thing. I'm happy to see that you have children and shifted gears into Mom mode.

You and I have a lot in common I think although my difficulties were different. A lot of people think women have it easy in this society (I do lean that way a bit myself but I have a complex I guess). But your life is proof that we're all struggling in different ways. You've become a stronger and wiser person because of your experiences. I'm sure you'll do your best to ensure you children have it better than you did. That's the goal every parent has I think.

Thanks for taking the time and being honest.
 
HeadphonesandLSD said:
Thanks for your reply. I'm glad you're doing better now and have settled down with someone and had children. If things ever get hard in the marriage please try to stick it out and make it work. The way I was raised the women were the queens of the house. What they said was the law. It sounds like you're that type of Mom. My Mom split when I was 6 years old. One day I came home from school and she told me she wouldn't be around anymore and that I would be living with my Dad. I didn't see her for a long time after that. She was supposed to come pick me up on weekends but didn't show because she was off doing drugs (probably cocaine) and things a mother shouldn't be doing.

I have a horrible memory of standing at the end of our long drive way for hours because she was supposed to come. I dragged my little brother along. We stood there from about 4pm until sunset. I would get excited every time I saw a car come over the hill that looked like hers. I wanted to see her so badly. My brother wanted to go back in the house but I made him stand there with me because I wanted Mom to know we were waiting for her and was trying to help her by getting picked up there so she didn't have to see Dad (they were having bag arguments and yelling at each other all of the time just before she left).

She never showed up. My Dad had to come out there and talk to us. He said to come back into the house. I was heart broken. I didn't see her again for months. Then when she finally did show up she was strung out and living with some strange man.

I won't go into all the details but the short version is she ran through the entire savings account for cocaine then started taking out loans and using credit to cover the bills. She kept that up for about a year before Dad caught on. By the time he did they were in massive debt that took him years to climb out of. She wouldn't stop using so they finally split. It was horrible.

All of the above ruined my relationships with women forever. I still have a very hard time trusting women. If they lie to me one time I get very angry and don't want to see them anymore. I have a good relationship with my mother now because I worked at it when I got to my teenage years.

The point I'm trying to make is children need a mother in the home and what you do around them will effect them for their entire lives. It sounds like you're on the right track. I know the terrible 2s are horrible but trust me you'll miss it when they get a bit older. They grow up so fast. I have no children of my own sadly (well I had two that never made it into the world). But I've helped raised my little brother, half sister and several of my friend's children. I had to become a parent at age 6 and do everything Mom used to do and half of what Dad did because Dad had to work long hours and I barely saw him.

The children are the most important thing. I'm happy to see that you have children and shifted gears into Mom mode.

You and I have a lot in common I think although my difficulties were different. A lot of people think women have it easy in this society (I do lean that way a bit myself but I have a complex I guess). But your life is proof that we're all struggling in different ways. You've become a stronger and wiser person because of your experiences. I'm sure you'll do your best to ensure you children have it better than you did. That's the goal every parent has I think.

Thanks for taking the time and being honest.
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Thanks for your response, and thank you for sharing that with me about your childhood. As a Scorpio, I naturally feel drawn to people who open up to me and tell me all the things. I always say, people on a first date ask normal questions like “so what do you do for work, what are your hobbies, etc” a Scorpio sits down across from you, stares into your soul, and asks “so, tell me about your childhood trauma” lol I’m super into astrology, sorry 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway, I completely agree with all your morals and opinions here. Me and the father of my kids have long decided that no matter what, through the good and the bad, we are sticking it out for our kids. They need a father and a mother in the home, under the same roof. I was abandoned by both parents at different points in my life, and his father left the family when he was just a baby. We want to teach our kids that you don’t just throw in the towel and take the easy way out. Loyalty means something. Your word means something. Family means something. If you’re spending your life together, of course there will be rough patches and points you don’t get along. If you leave and date someone else, you’re gonna have to deal with their bullshit too. Everyone comes with baggage. But if you have children with someone, you owe it to your family to stick together through good and bad. Unless there is some kind of abuse going on in the home, anything else can be worked out.

I’m definitely in mama bear mode, ever since the first time I looked my daughter in the eyes. I knew I would never leave her. I would kill for her and die for her a thousand times. I don’t even let other people watch my kids. My mom has watched my daughter twice, my mother in law has watched the kids a couple times for a couple hours. I don’t do daycare. Luckily, I am fortunate enough to have the luxury of being able to stay at home with my kids while my man works to provide for us. My babies are way too precious to place their lives in the hands of strangers who may or may not take care of them.
 
HeadphonesandLSD said:
Thanks for your reply. I'm glad you're doing better now and have settled down with someone and had children. If things ever get hard in the marriage please try to stick it out and make it work. The way I was raised the women were the queens of the house. What they said was the law. It sounds like you're that type of Mom. My Mom split when I was 6 years old. One day I came home from school and she told me she wouldn't be around anymore and that I would be living with my Dad. I didn't see her for a long time after that. She was supposed to come pick me up on weekends but didn't show because she was off doing drugs (probably cocaine) and things a mother shouldn't be doing.

I have a horrible memory of standing at the end of our long drive way for hours because she was supposed to come. I dragged my little brother along. We stood there from about 4pm until sunset. I would get excited every time I saw a car come over the hill that looked like hers. I wanted to see her so badly. My brother wanted to go back in the house but I made him stand there with me because I wanted Mom to know we were waiting for her and was trying to help her by getting picked up there so she didn't have to see Dad (they were having bag arguments and yelling at each other all of the time just before she left).

She never showed up. My Dad had to come out there and talk to us. He said to come back into the house. I was heart broken. I didn't see her again for months. Then when she finally did show up she was strung out and living with some strange man.

I won't go into all the details but the short version is she ran through the entire savings account for cocaine then started taking out loans and using credit to cover the bills. She kept that up for about a year before Dad caught on. By the time he did they were in massive debt that took him years to climb out of. She wouldn't stop using so they finally split. It was horrible.

All of the above ruined my relationships with women forever. I still have a very hard time trusting women. If they lie to me one time I get very angry and don't want to see them anymore. I have a good relationship with my mother now because I worked at it when I got to my teenage years.

The point I'm trying to make is children need a mother in the home and what you do around them will effect them for their entire lives. It sounds like you're on the right track. I know the terrible 2s are horrible but trust me you'll miss it when they get a bit older. They grow up so fast. I have no children of my own sadly (well I had two that never made it into the world). But I've helped raised my little brother, half sister and several of my friend's children. I had to become a parent at age 6 and do everything Mom used to do and half of what Dad did because Dad had to work long hours and I barely saw him.

The children are the most important thing. I'm happy to see that you have children and shifted gears into Mom mode.

You and I have a lot in common I think although my difficulties were different. A lot of people think women have it easy in this society (I do lean that way a bit myself but I have a complex I guess). But your life is proof that we're all struggling in different ways. You've become a stronger and wiser person because of your experiences. I'm sure you'll do your best to ensure you children have it better than you did. That's the goal every parent has I think.

Thanks for taking the time and being honest.
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And I know what it’s like to be abandoned by your mother. I wrote a story about it for my book. Actually, I’m gonna post that now. I’m not sure if I’m finished with it or not. Maybe you can tell me.
 
fuckabout89 said:
Women like you bring ne to God or what ever r you want to call it. You know you bring me to warmth you do a duty a god and what ever you want to c all it

People like you bring m w comfort and oneness to the crazy creator of this imcisetrs3 lonilobly old 28 year old mej
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Idk what any of that means, sir. Respectfully lol.
 
SoCalShordie said:
Rappers recognizing me in public. Etc.
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I thought I recognized your handle - you still rapping?

Oh no Charlie Sheen -- any crazy but not too traumatic stories? (he is dead and I think his rep is pretty bad anyways)

Here is one im sure you got 1000 times -- do the 'elite' have coke that is significantly better than what someone with half a brain on the streets can grab?

PS. Ill take any crazy rapper stories too, namedrop or not
 
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notsmokeymcpot42088 said:
I thought I recognized your handle - you still rapping?

Oh no Charlie Sheen -- any crazy but not too traumatic stories? (he is dead and I think his rep is pretty bad anyways)

Here is one im sure you got 1000 times -- do the 'elite' have coke that is significantly better than what someone with half a brain on the streets can grab?
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Hey there, yes I am!! I just finished 3 new tracks. I’ll post em up tmrw.

Nothing really traumatic about CS. I actually had a pretty cool time when I was part of his entourage. I’ve got some crazy stories tho lol. when he was high on crack lol.
 
Darksidesam said:
Not sure if i can ask questions to beyond the Porn industry and just sex and / or paying for sex but

I sure would like to have sex with someone im mid 30s its been about 7/8 years since i had any now.
Im in good form physically, i work out a lot and eat clean i walk lots too.

Developed a reaction/issue to perfume and fragrance about that long ago, so im wondering how would it even work if i wanted to request adjustments im sure it would be very expensive right? I cannot tolerate fragrance at all so the person would need to come to mine and shower and change into new clothes or no clothes lol i dont see any other way
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Bless me with some $$$
 
notsmokeymcpot42088 said:
I thought I recognized your handle - you still rapping?

Oh no Charlie Sheen -- any crazy but not too traumatic stories? (he is dead and I think his rep is pretty bad anyways)

Here is one im sure you got 1000 times -- do the 'elite' have coke that is significantly better than what someone with half a brain on the streets can grab?

PS. Ill take any crazy rapper stories too, namedrop or not
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Oh and the coke I had with CS definitely fasho without a doubt was better than anything I’ve had at civilian level lol.

I’ve got some real good stories about rappers..I should do a voice memo instead bc it’s a lot. I’m gonna record it now lol.
 
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