How to Develop Social Etiquette

[RedLeader]

As I try and climb out of poverty and better my life, I find myself increasingly involved in social situations that involve the rules of "high society" and whatnot (read: snobby, ignorant people). Now I am a person who prefers eating with his hands, resting my body in ways that feel good, speaking about only what interests me, and so on. And I enjoy seeing others doing similar. But this has only gotten me into awkward situations lately it seems. I am also more of a thinker/writer and am clumsy and not good at mechanical tasks.

Some areas for improvement would be:

Table manners and how to use fancy silverware properly
How to please people with small-talk
How to move gracefully in nice clothes
How to anticipate what would and would not offend people
Traditional forms of dance

Now I don't have the money to take any type of high-end etiquette class, and I am pretty much have structured my life around avoiding such people in my personal life. But I'm in dire straights financially and a bit of schmoozing or whatnot could really help me right now. I would just like any tips on how to avoid making major blunders in the future. I know I'll never be completely graceful.

 

[thujone]

Table manners and how to use fancy silverware properly

Look for Emily Post at the local library.

How to please people with small-talk

This is wholly dependent on the individual. It's easy to determine what someone is passionate about by what they spend the most time talking about. Research what that is and ask probing questions (humility) the next time you meet to demonstrate that you're interested in the hypothetical target's favorite topics. If you find yourself invited to a game of golf, the clubs of most importance are the 3 wood, 7 iron and putter.

How to move gracefully in nice clothes

Be aware of the clothes.

How to anticipate what would and would not offend people

Your unfiltered opinions.

Traditional forms of dance

There are any number of traditional forms of dance. There's probably a book available on this as well at the library, just YouTube examples of the music belonging to each era and you should be able to identify what dance is expected when you hear it.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Head to the local movie theater and watch Inside Llewyn Davis. After watching go home, look in the mirror, and tell yourself not to be that guy.

 

[plmar]

When eating at a restaurant, grab the fork with your left hand, knife wit your right, and cut that shit into equilateral triangles. Doesn't get more classy than taking your steak apart like a puzzle.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Try to keep racist or sexist jokes to a minimum and if you're drinking malt liquor pour it in a glass, or at the very least don't drink it out of a paper bag.

When eating at a restaurant, grab the fork with your left hand, knife wit your right, and cut that shit into equilateral triangles. Doesn't get more classy than taking your steak apart like a puzzle.

Hexagons show a much higher level of sophistication tho.

 

[Jabberwocky]

For some it comes naturally, I do believe. Otherwise, why not just have faith in yourself to deal with social situations you are put into. Take your time, don't get forced into being social. Be yourself, don't pretend to be someone you are not.

 

[Jabberwocky]

When eating at a restaurant, grab the fork with your left hand, knife wit your right, and cut that shit into equilateral triangles. Doesn't get more classy than taking your steak apart like a puzzle.

I laughed wayy too hard at this :D

 

[Shimmer.Fade]

Be yourself, don't pretend to be someone you are not.

Unless you need to

I am not great at this stuff either, but I have become much better. I rarely compromise on clothing though. Luckily my work dress is a robe or a casaque with decent pants and shoes. Practice makes perfect, and just learn to recognize the people you shouldn't offend.

 

[Gloop]

I recommend yo u pay mind not so much in etiquette but being polite. d

 

[donkeyPUNCH]

How to anticipate what would and would not offend people

this is definitely a touch and go area, you'll have to feel people out. but sometimes a dirty joke will get you where you want to be better than trying to be super polite.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Since thujone's the only one who's actually answered so far, I'll give my 2c on this. I'm not cultured by any stretch, but I can play the part when necessary (not just dinners lol, I mean I've actually got a couple cultured 'friends'(none my age, all are older lol) and, on occasion, have been in situations that gave me a sense of anxiety that seems to mirror what you felt in making this thread. So...

table manners / silverware: Aside from the obvious things, like chewing w/ mouth closed, not eating like a pig, not being 1st to dig-in and, in some cases, don't finish your plate, the rest – the 'silverware arts' are something you should youtube if they're gonna be relevant. I'm sorry (for you, not myself!) if using proper silverware pieces will be part of any meal you will ever eat :/
small talk: This one's very easy. Before you get there, have several generic topics in mind, of varying importance from basics (weather/sports) to quasi-relevant*(the US, local politics, econ/enviro/etc), before you get there (*quasi-relevant, meaning “nothing disagreeable or offensive”. For instance, if talking politics, keep it closer to 'wow, the ukraine is sure turmulent!' instead of your opinions on israel/pakistan. Goal would be relevancy/insight, w/ minimal chances of offending)
-Movement in nice clothes: Same as shit-clothes, but just walk/gesture 'sparingly'; be cool, but not too cool, i mean just be aware of the others and go for the norm; This, alongside the flow of the conversation, is the part you'll be mirroring the others the most.
-Offending ppl: This should be pretty obvious once you're there, tbh. It's hard to even begin to explain what does/does not offend ppl, although the general principles don't change (from the hood to the golf courses)
- Dance: This is so varied and your locale isn't listed, so w/o even knowing what country you're from it's utterly impossible to recommend anything specific. Something that'll surely put you where you need to be, however, is 30-45min on youtube w/ smart keywords.

/feel like a white, uncle-tom..
//excuse me, need a shower, too many memories of doing this shit myself lol
///the best thing I can say to you is that, in the end, ppl are ppl; you'll find that there's incredible overlap between 'types' of ppl, from poverty to high-end and, w/ some adjustments, the general mannerisms and social-hierarchies apply. If you've always sucked at being around ppl, then just do your best and keep to their manners/topics when there. If you've always been able to get along w/ ppl, you'll find that this applies amongst maseraties/mercedes, even if you've seldom left shitty areas. Again, **my 2c**

 

[Jabberwocky]

this is definitely a touch and go area, you'll have to feel people out. but sometimes a dirty joke will get you where you want to be better than trying to be super polite.

See, I 100% agree w/ this, *BUT* this depends on how his personality is... if he's introverted and tries to remember a joke to impress ppl, impresses the 'stronger folk'* but doesn't deliver via his presence / personality the rest of the evening, it'd be a bad move (probably not fatal, but really that sooo depends on teh joke and the crowd(and him)). I'll say that I agree w/ you though, and am the type that typically talks out others and meets new ppl @ such situations, but I don't know who the OP is and, as example, this type of strategy would be suicide if my younger brother ever did it :/

OP needs to give some more (general) details, because all I'm getting is "ahm ghetto, gg see sophisticates" (lol, sorry am being brash) and that's not remotely enough to get kinda specific on much here.

(if any are even present; god knows we're just grabbing @ straws wildly trying to gauge what type of situation this is...redleader should give some more info, at least general geography, and general $ class we're talking here; when he says he's from poverty, for all we know this could be mcmansion folk, but it may be dudes w/ planes, fuct if we know right?)

[edited to add: also consider whether it's "old or new $", and things like whether religion is prevalent. Most of the fancier things i've been around were atheist/new money things (typically realty, and some tech ppl; majority of my experiences w/ "moneyed-scenarios" were w/ a guy I worked for, who was atheist/1st-gen multi-millionaire, that was realty-developer i was main manager for, and he was barely less a sheep than i was at some of the shit i went to w/ him. If you're seeing, say, old$ christians, things'd be incredibly different in some ways than what I'd experienced. For instance, it may be utterly irrelevant whether you're smart, enjoyable, etc, only whether you totally agree w/ them on their key viewpoints. Again I'd say that if you give some more general specifics, others (not me!) could help in those scenarios]

 

[hydroazuanacaine]

you correctly conjugate your verbs. no need for traditional dance. work on not letting those people know you think they're snobby and ignorant, and you'll be good.

 

[Jabberwocky]

what if they're ignorance of a very specific variety, that's hard to respect w/o acknowledging? What if the traditional dance is central? OP needs moar details
/def right on the "don't let them think they're ignorant" part though...sad, but true sometimes

 

[Shimmer.Fade]

I would also recommend practicing without pressure before being put on the spot. I find public transportation can be a good place to practice small talk. I like to talk to people, so I often happen across a common moment a few times a week with some fairly random person, and just have a chat.

Also, dance isn't necessary unless your SO enjoys to dance

 

[Jabberwocky]

this is definitely a touch and go area, you'll have to feel people out. but sometimes a dirty joke will get you where you want to be better than trying to be super polite.

What do you call a black man flying an airplane?












a pilot, you racist!
/lol, thanks True Detective hee hee

 

[RedLeader]

I am definitely an introvert. I have a very hard time relating to people I don't know very well, sensing how they are feeling, and so on. I'm much better with written communication. I also suffer from social anxiety, getting racing thoughts and tongue-tied when in larger groups of new people.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Do your best to relax, and just go w/ the flow.
Feel free to respond that pm I sent you and honestly the more you stress this the worse-off you'll be. It's not a given you actually can fit in anywhere, i've known introverts I wouldn't even bring around regular ppl, so really if you're that level I think you may be setting yourself up for failure by 'biting off more than you could chew'

 

[Shimmer.Fade]

I am definitely an introvert. I have a very hard time relating to people I don't know very well, sensing how they are feeling, and so on. I'm much better with written communication. I also suffer from social anxiety, getting racing thoughts and tongue-tied when in larger groups of new people.

A little divergence:
Me too (I am only really me at home). I have had to work my ass off consciously to make a change. I still don't relate to lots of people very well on many levels, I am quite disorganized without text, and my social anxiety while inactive isn't pleasant. I get along with older people much better than the joe blow of my age. I get along with most of my colleagues pretty well, but we have a profession in common. The older I get the better it gets though. The more I experience people (especially older ones) the more I realize how human we all are. I manage to find and maintain good, healthy relationships, so I can't complain too much.

 

[bimbam]

I had it drilled into me as a child never ever discuss religion, money and politics.

Also if you are offered something you should except it regardless so not to look ungrateful and cause offence.