Support How to deal with recurring thoughts?

[plumbus-nine]

I have done some serious shit in and to my life, wasted great chances out of fear and addiction. I was heavily addicted to dissociatives for four years together with opioids which made me do shitty decisions and while this all was years ago, the repercussions like unemployment and debt still last up to today and will last way into tomorrow. Had I handled stuff differently, I could have good money and a decent job, instead I have nothing worth to live for. Now I'm sober for a solid year but can't stop to wake up every fucking day with thoughts about my failures, what I should have done differently and how great life would be if I had etc. This made me suicidal before and still does even though stopping the venlafaxine I was on helped a bit. But it's too much for me to deal with every day. Anybody having been through a similar situation and what did help you? I would do drugs to aid with the thoughts but I am forced to live abstinent, alcohol being no option. Antidepressants didn't help me. I did fuck up but am I fucked for the rest of my life?

 

[Opi_Kid_Rock]

You are not fucked for the remainder of your life as “the past is dead, the future is yet to be born, as there is only the here and now.” -some zen quote.
I royally fucked up my life about 4 years ago and was traumatized to the point that I kept reliving my mistakes daily, and had reoccurring suicidal thoughts and intentions.
I kept trying to find a new career that would suit my temperament and skills of which I eventually found. I’ve been working in such a field ever since.
The moral of the story is, my life now isn’t so much “worse” than it was in the past given all the opportunities I hypothetically missed, but life now is simply just “different.” Thinking back, my life now is in some ways better because if I continued on in previous path without the big misfortune, I would be one arrogant MF right now, been with a gold digger, thus leading to divorce and I would be in another type of hole of which extent I could never possibly imagine. I might be much worse off because I would be me but without self-awareness nor insight.

 

[deficiT]

The cells of your body are replaced over time, and your mind is capable of radical change. The same things that bother you today, may be your strength tomorrow.

You simply have to work through and process the malignant and difficult thoughts you are encountering. It is possible to gaslight and fool your own self, as there are various aspects of your mind in conversation and sometimes we are subject to random negative internal processes and electrical firing. They aren't pre eminent and can be overcome with the proper techniques.

I've found meditation helps to regain some control over my thoughts, but have yet to perfect any method to truly rid these dark recurring imaginings. Although keeping yourself busy with something you enjoy is helpful.

 

[Asclepius]

I have done some serious shit in and to my life, wasted great chances out of fear and addiction. I was heavily addicted to dissociatives for four years together with opioids which made me do shitty decisions and while this all was years ago, the repercussions like unemployment and debt still last up to today and will last way into tomorrow. Had I handled stuff differently, I could have good money and a decent job, instead I have nothing worth to live for. Now I'm sober for a solid year but can't stop to wake up every fucking day with thoughts about my failures, what I should have done differently and how great life would be if I had etc. This made me suicidal before and still does even though stopping the venlafaxine I was on helped a bit. But it's too much for me to deal with every day. Anybody having been through a similar situation and what did help you? I would do drugs to aid with the thoughts but I am forced to live abstinent, alcohol being no option. Antidepressants didn't help me. I did fuck up but am I fucked for the rest of my life?

You have regrets. So does everyone.you are unique, but not alone in your need.
Start from now, there is nothing else
Every day is new.
Have a time schedule, to sleep(even if it doesn't always work) keep to it.
Be in nature. Appreciate it, it's the closest thing to divinity.
Find people who make you feel warm & you respect. It's the closest thing to divinity.
Focus on loving & respecting, yourself- it's the closest thing to divinity.
Foster patience.
Appreciate your pain & sadness; respect what you've incurred.
Always want more, warmth (if you don't get enough;spoil yourself to make up the deficit, with awareness)- it's the one greed that never punishes you, once you respect its value & let your resilience, blossom & hold you, stronger.

 

[Mycophile]

I have done some serious shit in and to my life, wasted great chances out of fear and addiction. I was heavily addicted to dissociatives for four years together with opioids which made me do shitty decisions and while this all was years ago, the repercussions like unemployment and debt still last up to today and will last way into tomorrow. Had I handled stuff differently, I could have good money and a decent job, instead I have nothing worth to live for. Now I'm sober for a solid year but can't stop to wake up every fucking day with thoughts about my failures, what I should have done differently and how great life would be if I had etc. This made me suicidal before and still does even though stopping the venlafaxine I was on helped a bit. But it's too much for me to deal with every day. Anybody having been through a similar situation and what did help you? I would do drugs to aid with the thoughts but I am forced to live abstinent, alcohol being no option. Antidepressants didn't help me. I did fuck up but am I fucked for the rest of my life?

I feel for you man. We aren't in exactly the same situation, but the similarities are that we both have massive regrets about our pasts and have these horrible recurring thoughts that drive us crazy.

I could go into my own details but I don't want to derail your thread and plus I just feel too tired right now to start rambling about my own crap, but I'd like to believe that neither one of us is fucked for life.

Problem is, I know for myself that I've been stuck so deep for so many years that I am really not sure what to do to change. I wouldn't know where to start, and even when I do try to think of just one thing that might help, so often my depression leads me to do nothing about it and I just sleep like 12 or more hours a day.

If I can come up with any ideas to help you (doubtful as I haven't been able to help myself) I'll pass them on, and maybe you can do the same for me.

Let's not give up. We need to find anything hopeful to live for and hold onto whatever it is.

 

[plumbus-nine]

The point about my regrets is that they're different than anything I faced in life so far. In past I would also have regrets, of course, everybody has them. But I could relativate them by proper analysis and reflection that I did the best I could, which just wasn't good enough or that I honestly didn't care about the consequences. But this stuff I did during addiction is different. I did not, by all means, not do my best because I was under the memory inhibition of powerful dissociative addiction and didn't care for the future, just for being high in the here & now. I know, you might now say, given the addiction did you do your best what was possible for you and this is partially true but stuff remains different for me. I never had such recurring thoughts about material regrets before.

I am living in a different country now and am desperate to learn the spoken language (Spanish). But these regrets hinder my ability to learn new stuff, I need to get rid of them and I honestly don't know how. Maybe psychedelics might be a way for me as well @Mycophile, also thanks for your reply! Mimosa hostilis is very abundant here and I heard that extraction of DMT was easily achievable in the kitchen, if I could just convince my gf of doing that extraction and smoking the resulting product (we're living together so I can't handle chems without her noticing, and she's a non user who doesn't even drink or smoke). I'm also afraid but in relation to the problem these thoughts have become for everyday living this anxiety pales. I'd try DMT in an instant. But I think doing the psychedelic is only part of a healing process, one needs to work on the stuff they present you and because of the language barrier I can't just go out to find a therapist. Specially a psychedelic one, as shrooms aren't legal here, just sort of tolerated, same with DMT if I'm correct, as soon as you extract it, it becomes illegal.

I'd love to use medication and other healing stuff but the plain reality is that I am in need of distraction or the regrets will come up again. I can't even watch an action movie without having to think my way through that shite. Also as I wrote I don't have a job and won't be able to get one anytime soon so it is left to myself to make meaning off my life which I currently fail to do.

 

[Lysosomalstorage]

I found with intrusive thoughts based on a recent trauma or feeling of hopelessness the only thing that helped was time, as my life slowly got better such as your year of sobriety and leveling out, the less they happened, eventually I realised one day I hadn't had any in a week despite them being constant previously. Eventually they had no real bearing on my current situation and they stopped. It's clichéd but time does heal all wounds, just make sure you maintain stability and the rest may follow.

 

[Asclepius]

I found with intrusive thoughts based on a recent trauma or feeling of hopelessness the only thing that helped was time, as my life slowly got better such as your year of sobriety and leveling out, the less they happened, eventually I realised one day I hadn't had any in a week despite them being constant previously. Eventually they had no real bearing on my current situation and they stopped. It's clichéd but time does heal all wounds, just make sure you maintain stability and the rest may follow.

Awesome, you got the answer to your question.
You should share, wide.
Individual trauma, does not have a tailored solution but it's magic, to read someone's strength, who has pushed through and helped themselves toward a better outcome.

 

[Flynnal]

I completely understand your plight. Missed opportunities are a big bummer for almost everyone here. I had opportunities to invest in Ethereum back in 2015 and I even had visions of it hitting $1000 each. I had the chance to buy 10,000 of them. Now, not only did they go to $1000, they went to well over $5000. Imagine that. I still think about it, but I can't live like that and neither should you.

Life has a funny way of twisting things up and providing a bizarre view of ourselves and apparently our failures. I've been through many of these failures. The thing that hit the most was a health problem. Financial problems are there but they don't bother me.

If this was your health that you fucked up on I could empathize on an even deeper level - I made the worst mistake of my time here on Earth by getting the Pfizer booster shot which I strongly suspect fucked up my hearing much further (it wasn't too bad before it started distorting but I have a good idea when it must have started - probably after that "ping" in my left ear that lasted a few seconds, this coming just days after my booster, I know what the fuck it was and I won't deny it now). I should have tested my hearing, realized it was distorted, and gone straight onto steroids and pentoxifylline because I had bottles of the stuff plus Valtrex - I had the Holy Trinity to treat sudden hearing changes). I thought it would go away but it didn't. I noticed new distortions coming on as time progressed. I should have acted but didn't. Now my life is over, literally in my early 40s. After much introspection, I decided to terminate my existence.

I honest to God wish money was my only problem. Holy shit, it isn't even fucking 1% of my problems now. Facing suicide at the end of 2024 - that's how long I'm giving this distorted hearing to recover - it probably won't recover, hence me writing up a will and having it verified and signed off by a lawyer, so my assets can go to anti-animal cruelty organizations. My sisters won't get a cent of this money. They've always scolded me about my decision to end it yet they haven't got a scant fucking clue what is like to live with autism and have your only fucking coping mechanism taken away from you, hence they don't deserve any.

I wish I had your problems because I know that, while it would be difficult and I'd feel like a complete ass in that situation, I would persevere, even if it took all of my wills. Financial problems are probably temporary.

But my messed up hearing is something that I KNOW I won't live with, and I will secure the means to handle this painlessly. My sisters will get plenty of money from nan when she goes, they'll probably get $350k each. They would of gotten $250k each, but because I won't be in the picture, they will boot that up to $100k extra. Not bad, they could probably buy a house outright if house prices keep crashing, which I believe they will due to major interest rate rises. I'd say back to 2005 is possible. If I am still around when I inherit my share, again, that will go to the anti-animal cruelty organizations. The good ones and these aren't well known but they don't fuck around and they have a powerful lobby that has the ear of the government here in Australia. They have political connections but are seriously underfunded, unlike the RSPCA. I will throw them $300k when I pass at the end of 2024.

I made the decision to end it for good reasons.

BUT, I think you have plenty of time to make things right. You probably still have your health or at least most of it. Your hearing is probably fine and you can enjoy music without every sound having tiny bells or the tapping of wine glasses or sizzling bacon layered on top of it and mixed throughout the music, making it sound like total crap. You probably don't have autism either, so these are a big plus in your favor.

I wish I could help you money-wise, but you need to realize that money isn't everything. I found that out very recently, and I am sure that one day you will too, and you will look back on this and think to yourself "why did I worry about money so much". Believe me, I've been there and it isn't so pretty. But now a much, much, much bigger problem has emerged - and, like you, it was one that I was responsible for, my own damned fault, and it has changed my perspective entirely. Yes, I do intend to take my life in 2 years, that's a given. There is no denying it at this point, my life is over. I am almost certain my problem is permanent and I believe my solution will be too. But I think you should really think about what you are doing and what you really want in this life. The world doesn't owe us a damned thing, and by necessity, we have to invent our own lives and forge our own identities, no matter how oppressive or how much the odds seem stacked against us.

I hope you can understand, but I feel you have a lot going for you, and you apparently still have your health, your senses intact and undamaged, and with some hope for the future. I wish you the best. I know you can push through this, and find some semblance of a decent life.

 

[Dreamflyer]

I have done some serious shit in and to my life, wasted great chances out of fear and addiction. I was heavily addicted to dissociatives for four years together with opioids which made me do shitty decisions and while this all was years ago, the repercussions like unemployment and debt still last up to today and will last way into tomorrow. Had I handled stuff differently, I could have good money and a decent job, instead I have nothing worth to live for. Now I'm sober for a solid year but can't stop to wake up every fucking day with thoughts about my failures, what I should have done differently and how great life would be if I had etc. This made me suicidal before and still does even though stopping the venlafaxine I was on helped a bit. But it's too much for me to deal with every day. Anybody having been through a similar situation and what did help you? I would do drugs to aid with the thoughts but I am forced to live abstinent, alcohol being no option. Antidepressants didn't help me. I did fuck up but am I fucked for the rest of my life?

I constantly struggle with regret. I lie in bed and ruminate over it all the time. I had a corporate career, money in the bank, a new car, a beautiful condo, a fiancee, a band, a lot of friends and a great body... and I gave every bit of it up just to shove tens of thousands of Oxy up my nose for 12 years.

I just keep reminding myself that I'm alive and well, and that I still have a lot going for me. I'm just starting to get back on my feet again and it feels phenomenal. The best thing that you can do is learn from your mistakes and not repeat them.

Hang in there my friend,
Dreamflyer