Cocaine How to deal with abstinence? (I need help)

[aluminium-train]

So, I've been a regular cocaine user for the past four years - started injecting almost two years ago. Since my first big shot it has been a hell of a role. It was almost like falling obsessedly in love...
Although my drug use didn't start out as an 'escape', I've been dealing with depression for a long time now, and eventually both paths crossed - I was hooked. I didn't have much information then, and didn't care much for my life. I kept shooting up, so I wouldn't have to cope with living. And it was the darkest time of my life.
Thing is, I think I do care now. At least I want to; I want to get better, and even though I know it does get easier with time, the past few weeks have been unbearable. Almost every day I wonder what'd be like if I fucked up again.
My first relapse was about five months ago, and I really haven't used that much since (I overdosed, twice, and got terribly scared of dying, which made me stop at that time). But it's all I think about now. I am trying therapy (to deal with all of my issues, including this), but still, I miss my white lady. I think about it every day, and have to keep distracting myself with whatever other stuff all the time just so I can postpone my possible upcoming relapse.
I wanted to ask for advice - how do I keep dealing with sobriety when I can no longer see a way out of my addiction?
I feel like I have been waiting for a good reason not to do it - which I can't find.
If you know what that feels like, if you know a way out, please, please tell me how.
Thank you.

 

[SuperPsych]

If you can't afford treatment I would recommend that you go to a few 12 step meetings such as Cocaine Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, and Narcotics Anonymous. Meetings are always going on. I'm a recovering meth addict and I still get cravings, but if I go to a meeting I can be confident that I won't use that day

 

[Mad Dash]

Ya 12 step programs are the way to go if you can't afford even an IOP. But we have a saying in recovery. You didn't get addicted in a week, so don't expect to get better in a week. It usually takes just as long to get better as it did to get addicted. Take it slowly, ONE DAY AT A TIME. Let go and let God. And if you don't believe in God start finding a way to believe in a higher power. It does not have to be religion, just something that you can devote yourself to.

 

[beels]

I'm in the same boat my friend, I know its sill to replace one addiction with another, but I've found drinking is the gateway, as soon as I have a beer I do everything i can to get hold of chop. So I cut down the drinking, maybe try smoking weed when you get a craving, it helped me.
Also EXERCISE! natural endorphin's are hard to beat, and seeing your body get into better shape is so rewarding.

 

[smackydowners]

im in the same boat with heroin and other things. ive been abstinent for 2 months now--got my 60 days NA keyring the other day. are you attending these meetings? they help.

it sounds like you really want this. for me the thing that's helping is trying new things, exercising and avoiding the old behaviours that you indulged in when using (like isolating yourself or whatever).

good luck!

 

[clubcard]

One vendor is offering Methamnetamine and the parent compound (lacking the N-methyl) was trialled to help people stay off coke. It gives some stimulation but importantly, reduces the cravings. I don't have the paper to hand but if you do a bit of searching for 2-napthalene isopropylamine & cocaine replacement (google scholar I guess) then you will find the papers.

Look after yourself - there is only 1 of you and thus unique; everyone is important.

PS if you DO slip and take some, don't tell yourself you have failed, start again and keep trying - 'It doesn't matter how many times you fall in life you are never a failure till you don't get up.' Evel Knievel ;-)

 

[aluminium-train]

Thank you everyone.
I think the key is really living one day at a time, even though that might be hard.
I did go to NA meetings, but now am doing private therapy and looking for an inpatient clinic. I'm not really good at sharing, and I often underestimate my issues. But I have been trying. I'm actually optimistic about it (if 'right now' had happened a few months ago, I would've relapsed already; I didn't. And I am kind of proud).
I've been taking long walks these days, they seem to have helped. I have a diary (sort of), and recently, after one of these walks, I've written 'When you get stuck, walk straight ahead. Don't stop walking and don't look behind. There's nothing for you behind you. All that exists is what's ahead. (But you can't just keep running from your problems, you have to face them at some point)'
Well, it is often a lonely road - even when you are not really alone. But I'll try doing better.

Thank you for the support! I hope all of you who are struggling find ease at some point too.

 

[aluminium-train]

One vendor is offering Methamnetamine and the parent compound (lacking the N-methyl) was trialled to help people stay off coke. It gives some stimulation but importantly, reduces the cravings. I don't have the paper to hand but if you do a bit of searching for 2-napthalene isopropylamine & cocaine replacement (google scholar I guess) then you will find the papers.

Look after yourself - there is only 1 of you and thus unique; everyone is important.

PS if you DO slip and take some, don't tell yourself you have failed, start again and keep trying - 'It doesn't matter how many times you fall in life you are never a failure till you don't get up.' Evel Knievel ;-)

My thing with cocaine is not really the high, but the rush one gets from intravenously injecting it. I don't think I even like being stimulated that much. But the craving is really a pain, so I'll look into it, if it might help with that. Thank you for the kind words, you are important and unique with all your complexities too.
I'll keep walking straight ahead.

 

[CruelBri]

Honestly buddy, the absolute best thing you can do EVERY SINGLE DAY is go to a NA/AA meeting. GO TWICE a day if you have the time, and most of the time when your not doing ANYTHING is when your thinking about getting high... Dont use the excuse "Im going to private therapy now mostly" Go to the private therapy, but NA/AA meeting have an enormous impact on being sober... Even if you don't share, go and listen, you don't need to talk... I promise you after about 90 meetings, you will want to share once, or maybe not "want" to share but you feel as though you need to share...

Find a sponsor... I can feel from reading your post, you can maintain sobriety if you just keep yourself busy and whenever your bored go to a meeting...

at one point in my life, i was going to meetings twice a day, every day, for about 5 months... I found a home group. I got a sponsor... It helps... It helps to hear about others peoples struggles that are so similar to our own struggles, while also seeing people having years clean in recovery. It gives hope.