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  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards | negrogesic

How much of a loser am i

Z

Z1e5d9i0k

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 15, 2016
Messages
8
Since about the age of 12 I have experimented with some type of substance. I know I'm not unique but as I turn 40 I have really reflected on my life lately and what is important. I'm struggling with addiction.

Mostly only weed the majority of my life from 14 to about 25 I was introduced to stimulants. Coke and meth became my friend. I found them so much better than any hallucinogenic drug. Used to love shrooms back in the day but I could know trip off meth. Anyway, like many people I crashed and burned on meth. 6 months of IV use I became suicidal and ended up inpatient care.

Went back to weed, relocated and moved right next to a meth user. Well this time I only smoked meth, 6 more months of heavy use, became suicidal again and went inpatient Once more. But this time they would not let me leave. Friend of mine got me connected with a half way house and I sobered up. 8 months clean and I joined the Army.

I really fixed my life in the military but became a heavy drinker. Never truly stayed sober and started using steroids while I was deployed. Dabbled in pain medication and always worked around the pop up drug tests. Never got caught.

Here's where it gets tough. After deployments I got fucked up mentally. PTSD, major depression and chronic pain syndrome. After a very depressing time with my wife's illness I found my old friend and a new friend. Meth and heroin. I went on a 4 binge, flipped out and ended up being put inpatient again after asking for help.

I've been in outpatient care for 10 months now. Not completely separate sober yet. Had a few beers and some pills.

Well, I'm super depressed and I'm finding meth I'm 40 and need to stop this shit but I'm a total selfish POS. I know that I'm gonna use it. My plan is this time to not binge but am I fooling myself?

I'm forecasting my demise. I'm probably about to fuck up my marriage. I'm still in the army too and gonna destroy that as well.

I really feel that if things get out of control this time I am going to kill myself. I have a gun and instead of putting everyone through hell IM going to stop this bullshit once and for all.
 
Not the most positive first post, but welcome to Bluelight!

What exactly is your question to the reader? Whether you can use meth on and off while leading a normal life? The answer is... nobody knows, but most likely not. Since you have a history of drug abuse in general and meth binges, you will most likely slip up at one point or another. You may last for some time, but at one point you can just lose it. So I would say it's too risky to try.

Since you have medical problems, I would advise seeking real medical help. There are all kinds of therapies, of which I'm sure other posters know more; then there's all the antidepressants and stuff you can take that may improve your mental condition. If you feel the incredibly strong need to use something, try to find a mild drug. Cannabis? Don't drink. Perhaps try to find a hobby, something to take the mind off drugs. Does your wife know about the problem? Maybe talk with her and try to find a solution together; sometimes support from the significant other is incredibly helpful.

In any case, don't be hard on yourself. A lot of people are hopelessly addicted and, really, it's hard to blame the person. Addiction is a disease. Don't take your life because of it yet, try to find a solution. You're still young.

Good luck and keep your head up!
 
I did ramble on there. It was hard to be clear using this phone to type too.

Anyway I do take meds. I'm on 300mg of Effexor and I take Abilify as well. I'm in a tough situation right now. I'm afraid to tell my wife this as she is not very understanding when it comes to drug use.
 
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The first thing I would do is stop beating yourself up. I found myself doing that a lot, comparing myself to others. I eventually came to terms with myself and why I get addicted. Like you, I have PTSD with anxiety and depression. Addiction is a way to self soothe, but it's also self destruct. It's not an easy thing for anyone. The fact the you are willing to see you have a problem and feel bad about it, reflects on the kind of person you are. Stay strong!
 
My doctor tells me I'm too hard on myself and I hear that a lot. I've practiced being better to myself by not referring to myself negatively but now I find myself failing. I know if I reach out to someone who cares they will help me but the urge to use is very strong right now.
 
Perhaps not the best HR advice, but if you really feel the need to use, then go ahead and use, but use something that is benign. I recommended cannabis in my first reply. My logic is that if using cannabis (ideally not all the time) stops the cravings for meth and/or other hard drugs and lets you live a normal life, then that's better than suffering all the time from cravings and whatnot.
 
I certainly appreciate the advice but I don't have any weed. I'm gonna do my best to stay sober because I really feel if I slip up this time then life isn't worth living anymore as I'll lose everything
 
Stick in there mate. Voluntarily fighting for your country isn't the behaviour of a loser. Have you tried speaking to a professional to work through your PTSD and depression? Take things one day at a time.
 
Your not a loser man you suffer from a disease(possibly multiple mental health disorders) of addiction. It's a bitch but you can over come it if not manage it. Us as addicts can move to the North Pole and there would be an Eskimo(I know they aren't n the NP but you get my point) meth addict living in an Igloo next to yours.My point is if you want to quit it's not about the external world(shit is everywhere or a mouse click away) but it's internal.
I see you've been inpatient so I'm not telling you anything new you just need to find a new way to go about it,that I can't tell you I struggle daily. I can tell you their are many good people on here that have more answers then me and it's a very good resource.
Don't think of ending it that's giving up you can find another way you have options.
I got kicked out of Navy for drugs so I feel you and I went through a period where I had no hope,no family or friends I could talk to and went to prison for sometime. I was as low as you could go and one day out of the blue things got better.It wasn't over night but I met my future wife,got my familys trust and love back, stopped shooting heroin, had kids,bought a house etc.....
Now I do drink probably more then I should and I smoke some weed but as I said I still struggle it's progress not perfection!But life changes and it can be so subtle day to day but when you look back in terms of years your trajectory from those subtle changes end up leading you into massively different circumstances(I hope that makes sense).
Don't do anything silly and keep reaching out people love you!
 
I'm sorry you've been exposed to such harsh experiences. Given your history I would risk saying that you know what are your strengths. You've handled situations in the different manners and had the motivation and the perseverance to stay in the Army.
That's not so easy.

What namnoc is saying is true. Some of us have a condition when we are addicted, specially when used in the intensity you've posted.
But you it seems you found a solution for the problem every time. Even if that takes commitment you accepted the challenge. Congratulations for that.

Having said that I believe you next step would be to find out how to cope with the current situation you find yourself in at the moment. I don't think suicide is the solution. As they say, it's a permanent solution for a temporary problem.
Besides, who knows what's on the other side. I have been where you are and trust me, you don't want that. It can always go wrong anyway. It's possible. So I suggest you don't think about this and focus in trying to find other solutions.

From my experience, this is another harsh phase and it seems to me you've got what it takes to move on. Be patient and know that this will change. It's just a matter of time and finding out the best solution.

We are here and we'll help you whenever you need. If you need to send a PM or talk about it, feel free to contact me.

Welcome to BL and Good Luck Z1e5d9i0k!!
Erik
 
Seems like yourcalling yourself a loser for just using drugs. Just using a recreational substance doesnt change who you are or what kind of person you are at all. Being weak enough to go on binges or get addicted or whatever is what is. So as long as your not addicted and usong once in a while then ur no dofferent than anyother strongwilled person
 
I don't believe you can't get back to recreational after going through addiction.
That's precisely how addiction works unconsciously and it can only make things worse from my perspective.

If we start using various substances as early as 12 and have been treated as inpatient several times, I believe we need to be realistic about the facts, with all due respect.
 
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Back when I was 21-22, I drank so much every night, to the point of blacking out. My only life was the life I had when I was drunk. I eventually could not socialize without alcohol. I also smoked cigarettes like crazy for 6 years. I quit both, alcohol and cigarettes at the same time and haven't looked back. Before quitting, I had the exact thoughts you did, which drove me to drink even more. I'm lucky to be alive today. Understand that you can't change the past, but you can change the future. Eventually, this will be behind you.
 
I read your post again and I saw that you are still in the Army, are you active duty or are you in the reserves. I am also a vet suffering from PTSD, anxiety, suicidal, and some homicidal ideation. I know where you are coming from. My advise to you would be to get the help you need by seeing a mental health professional. I know you are on Meds now, but you need to talk to your Psych DR especially if it's a VA DR.

Explain all your issues and symptoms explaining how your PTSD has pushed to this point and file for your 100%. I don't know if that is an option but you need some inpatient therapy. Brother down eat a bullet trust me I have lost many friends and a father to suicide. It is the worst option to resolve a problem. I am sure you know it but here is the VA crisis line if needed 800.273.8255. When you are able to rid the stressors in your life you will see things change.

I know you have addiction issues, and please use the resources available to you as a Vet. If you want to talk you can PM me anytime brother. Get the help you deserve.

I am struggling with similar issues and have held that gun to my head way to many times. I have a 6 year old and that is the only thing that is stopping me. I am also addicted to benzos and Oxy. The only way I can cope with people and especially family is when I'm high. I am starting to use the VA more often and it is helping. So please at least look into it.
 
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Meth and heroin aren't very conductive to not binging and usually only make mental problems like yours much much worse in the long run. Drink some beers and smoke some weed if you need to but stay far away from the hard drugs while you are in a negative state of mind. Easier said than done. Good luck dude.
 
I agree with everything Carolina said in the first post. I just turned 40 and I have come to terms with the fact that being a user is part of who I am. It is not a reason to have low self-esteem. However, I try to lead a balanced life apart from the drugs even though life sucks many days. My job, my cat my hobbies (which are pretty limited). Every day is a battle with the demons even for people who have never touched drugs. Stay strong bro and take one day at a time. Every day you are alive is a day you can be a benefit to someone around you, that is what feeling good is all about.
 
One thing I'd like to add to all the other great responses on Bluelight is that if you are taking effexor and abilify everyday then using meth would not be in your best interest, for health reasons, and the fact that Abilify would act as a slight blocking effect to the drug since it has association with the Dopamine receptors similar to how anti psychotics would work, just to a lesser degree.
 
To have problems designing a life or come to terms with addiction doesn't mean you are a loser! Just if you begin not to care for anything anymore and behave like that, then you resign.
You certainly know that: The longer you wait the harder it will be - each thing you lose what is likely to motivate you worsens your situation!

Why exactly do you take Meth? Can't you at least switch to Amphetamine as long as you can't kick it? Meth's much more neurotoxic!

Btw: Aripiprazol is more a serotonergic drug and has not that strong dopaminergic effects, but the combination is indeed suboptimal.
 
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