I’m having a hard time with something I have been trying to figure out since recognizing i was an addict and whats the cause of our desires to use and I have concluded it’s our fucked up degradation coming from our thoughts and so far as is my case we have deep seated fears of being loved by a romantic partner and fear dying alone. I couldnt even approach a female I was attracted to until 33 yrs of age.
My thoughts were verbatim shes gonna be disgusted at the very thought of you asking her on a date. This thought prevailed until onset of methamphetamine addiction. I was a heavy opiate abuser before meth and it helped numb my issue. I also feared people would think I was the biggest joke on earth if they knew i had no game. So I ran from this obsessive thinking of being so ugly and awkward that I’ll never get a girl and die a virgin. I did manage a sexual experience at 25 and was actually attractive and told i was multiple times but my sense of self was abhorrently low but I wouldn’t admit it to anyone nor myself. The feeling of being such a fuck up really fucking hurt and healthy coping mechanisms didnt work nor was I willing to admit to anyone how I truly was. Feared people would think I was gay which by the way made me very sympathetic towards them bc they obviously don’t have a choice and never has there been a human who would choose something so abnormal that majority of society cant comprehend and be shit on by the entirety of society for that choice. Two deep seated fears so far driving a desire to addiction fears of never falling in love due to a convincing voice in my head telling me im repulsive then an equally strong fear of exposure of my inability to find a gf. This was a heavily recurring issue as im lonely as hell and lots of attractive women out there some of whom gave me attention and I couldn’t produce one word. Then think all i had to do was so anything and gave myself a Chance and for18 years i made no progress. The heroin addiction had grown progressively problematic and somehow parents who lived a 1000 miles away found out and external guilt tripping began. I would discover later this life long recurring problem of heavy loneliness and self disgust from three different angles made me want death. I dont have any courage or heart bc i cant at 30 overcome a fear of rejection that should have been overcome at 16 or 17. Healthy minded individuals have this fear too but i am quite certain the rampant self loathing and it’s veracity is unique to addicts thus causing a very strong Wall of denial. Of course we deny it because believing the shit we think would make us suicide statistics. Not to mention the brain prefers to not sit in heavily uncomfortable spaces and another key component leading to severe addiction is that fear of our real selves being seen as the joke of the millennia. A great deal goes into our alter ego’s and being the cool dude or gal is of high importance to us. An ability to admit this maybe unique as lots of severe addicts i know will not admit to any insecurities which is common with healthy people too but there not running in shame. It took me ten years of heavy drug abuse to admit I even had a low self worth. Was sick n tired of consequences from using which when I began methamphetamine use I was sloppy and would be too high to work. I quit one job which was shitty anyway but up four days on my second run and experienced the grumpy rage and then my first iv use was right before starting a new job and having no idea how floored I was gonna be I didn’t stay but actually did try. In Ohio in middle of winter and no heat for majority of winter. I was way too horny to work and opted jerking off instead. Mom and dad are ob mmmm
I absolutely hated myself and what I hated most was a crac
I was in and out the rooms from 2013-2019 and the last time got the blue keychain and spent 2 hours a day most days on step work, went daily and shared pretty much what I just wrote about and couldn’t approach women. I understand the concepts of the steps. Still hate step 3 bc I don’t believe in any kind or a higher power and I went out never to return June 2019. Started with Callng the old head by the book stlye and asked to sponsor me. We were rode into Jax and he was questioning me on knowledge on steps. A bunch of shit I didn’t then no and I was very disappointed all previous steps bc i didn’t do much work and felt like sobriety should have Been more important to me. Sponsor chewed my ass and told me it’s life or death and was adamant bout the book. I was on my fourth step when he after just turned 70 fell down broke his hip and passed away from a pulmonary embolism three weeks in. I was scared of that happening and shared that very fear in my home group his too and the entire group told me not to worry. My step grandmother died the exact way and I figured myself it was only fear but camr to fruition. He was proud of me everybody was including me just because i preached the shit they wanna here I guess. Gr8 full addict never picks up was something I swore by along with writing out your negative thoughts for a clearer picture. Self affirmations daily the daily word and the how it works is real shit. Three notebooks full of stepwork and definitions of each of my defects and I was chairing a meeting. This was my own personal belief if I worked hard as I cas then it’s doable. I had beaten A handful of variations of difficulties without craving and by far the most effort ive put towards anything and the work was crucial and y im who I am today but I Smoked weed without a second thought but no what it entailed. I hit a thc cart And practically freaking out bc I had to disclose the info and get the dreaded key tag. Top that i musta missed something in steo 1. Fuck i did. Its been a long time and can’t remember verbatim the 1st step but it’s my life outta control and admit i need help.
What a fuck NA with a fucking fat dick. 12 steps are still the industry standard and where a lot of the bulshit comes from on addiction. I know mother fuckers stay clean doing half the work I did.
Im seeing myself getting stoopider. And it’s worsening by the and im gonna be a dumb ass dude In short while.
Also those issues of confidencene and self worth and the feeling like I had no heart produced my worse thinking and not give a fuck about any consequences for using drugs.
I remained off tweak for two years and was past the cravings. It was exactly what i hoped to accomplish.
when i was meth free I still im my head thought I had the same issues and not getting any sort of clues that my thinking I was unworthy of attention from girls wasn’t any longer bc I was ugly due to being told enough times I was attractive. Still didn’t c it or believe it but willing to trust others words. I still could not approach a female this time a barber who is cute found out she was single, and had all intentions to ask her out, but could not and I was so pissed. I had that point new it was a severe anxiety issue, and I no longer called myself a bitch just maybe do for being clean and all the self work from the steps that allow me to make this decision, futile attempt to get a benzodiazepine filled one up on Zoloft and Abilify, and it did nothing for my anxiety wasn’t so suicidal and absolutely killed my sex drive even end of this week run that occurred about six months later starting a girl and came to my work who I work with previously a while back and I knew she was looking to have more than a friendship. She drops if she has ice in fet. I grabbed up the 20 which was two points. I think at this time didn’t do anymore for a while. Sad thought about it and made a thought out decision this time for using I have decided I’m living my life through my parents, eyes or other people‘s eyes as not disappoint them, and one carry this guilt for being addicted to methamphetamines and drugs. But really meth was the worst for me cause I couldn’t stop for a consistent period of time. I broke up with this girl two months in first time able to do that and it felt great. I wasn’t even sad only for a day .
Now since this run began interesting, health issues have occurred beginning with the UTI. The very same day the rent run began possibly an STD, but if it was that it shouldn’t have presented .began interesting health issues have occurred beginning with the UTI. The very same day the rent run began possibly an STD, but if it was that it shouldn’t have presented that quick and then the gas issues to follow about five months into it. The flipside I do now see myself attractive, especially after a haircut and get it in the adage that confidence is sexy is spot on because what are used to fear who I was is opposite and I realize I sound arrogant I don’t care where I beat myself up before to now looking at myself like holy fuck dude, you’re a pimp is absolutely fucking insane to me, but it is exactly how it’s happened however, there’s my feelings behind using now, especially with the chronic abuse that I had for years and and the inability to feel pleasure was no joke. It does return even if you break down the motherfucking wall and get through those first six months of cravings that was for me. You’re kind of in the clear for another six months and then you’re gonna be so depressed. You don’t even realize it’s depression not you causing, no ambition, torturing yourself, or not doing anything that day go live and sit in the bed and it’s day after day after day I took control of my life last may good chunk of my sober, friends and family no longer like me with no cause and you know what fuck them. I pulled out every stop. I know shared from my heart in front of a large group exact reason I hate myself and yet still relapsed. One of narcotics anonymous mantras is just stay clean. It’ll get better. All you Gotta do is stay clean bullshit you better be more than stay, clean and overcome your issues and even then there’s no guarantees I think methamphetamines a different beast for some for me for goddamn sure, and not very many are in the rooms around my area crackheads, heroin, addicts, overwhelming majority with heroin or fent. And I feel like that shits ally they say it’s only spiritual you don’t have to believe in God, but when you’re in a situation, you need to utilize that third step and give it to your fucking higher power you better have some trust and faith, that higher power, and for somebody like me who is very much a skeptical must see to believe type and believe in no entity controls my life at all. There’s no grand plan that shits ridiculous to me and I fucking read the Bible six months I tried on several occasions, but one time really hard how many times should I keep torturing myself with this fucking beating myself up over a fucking relapse and feeling that major disappointment and seem to look at my fucking goddamn parents faces and everybody else that fucks with me that’s clean no i’ve had enough I like methamphetamine even with its risks, provides me a life clean my head is fucking torturous now for different reasons, and I need a hard drug to fucking blink that bitch
Plus, I’m overly satisfied with the effort of the amount of work I did and staying clean, drop my stimulus money for healthcare to try and get benzos and got ran around because apparently I don’t know my own fucking life or what I need because I’m not a doctor. I have huge vendettas against society today And very well could be a result of methamphetamine abuse. I probably am very self-absorbed. I do have issues control my emotions. I can’t communicate very good you can tell by the way I fucking right I happen to be sober right now they’re just waking up, so doing a little better , but that’s the shit that I hate is the most immediate consequence and inability to fucking stay on point in discussion and people don’t know what the fuck I’m trying to say all the time it sucks cause I get tired of repeating talking is actually kind of complicated nowadays, but so what that’s another reason I began to begin thinking some of us don’t have a choice there’s a larger number of severe attics who die in active addiction then recover there’s a reason for that and it’s not because they’re a piece of shit. The brain is a fucked up thing very very complicated and it’s not a universal thinking process for everybody. We all have the same thoughts, feelings, and issues desires goals to a degree but the main thing is we want love every soul on this planet wants love attics fear not getting it as do everyone else, but there’s an extra piece in an attic‘s way of thinking in the more severe that piece is probably more present lack of belief in self, not wanting to try mounds of evidence more than likely perceived, instead of true that there are failure will always be a failure for heavy drug use add plenty of fuel to that fire in alone from the way it’s warping your brain for and the stigma of addiction and you got the double whammy to overcome. I’ve switched up and said fuck, overcoming it adapt to it learn to live with it, and I’ve been happier than I’ve ever been this past 10 months .
