How Do You Deal With People Who Seriously Hurt You But Doesn't Think They Did So

[Lovecraft]

How Do You Deal With People Who've Seriously Hurt You But Who Don't Believe They Did?

Without getting into detail, it's a complex situation because it is my wife's parents. What they've done amounts to sweeping the rug out from under us, figuratively speaking, at a time when we were vulnerable and couldn't do anything as an answer to it. To add insult to injury, they've got the whole thing twisted in their mind so that they come out smelling rosy and actually place all the blame on us. Enough said about that because I want the focus to be on how I deal with the extreme anger, resentment and hatred I have for them now.

You may ask, how do I know my perception of the situation is correct here. Well to start with, every other person who knows about this, those who are related to us and know the situation first hand and those that we've explained it to, which would include a family therapist that we all went to to try and sort it out, have agreed that what they did was wrong. They are the only ones in the whole equation who don't see it. And any attempts to try to explain the situation to them is futile. It's like trying to debate someone that is devout in their religious beliefs; they always find some way of twisting the argument around. Part of the problem is that they've helped us out a lot in the past so what they do is focus on that, as if someone who's been a friend to you couldn't all of a sudden turn around and stab you in the heart.

But they've done serious harm to me, my wife and son and we are still trying to recover from the damage they've inflicted. We're hopefully reaching the light at the end of the tunnel but going through this has been one of the most difficult and challenging times of my life and I've been though some pretty difficult stuff in the four decades I've been alive.

When all is said and done, and we are on the other side of repairing the damage, which again, will be hopefully soon, what am I supposed to do with all of this seething hatred I have for them? I can't tell them to fvck off and never contact us again because they are my wife's parents and she won't do that, mostly because we might need them in the future and it's a bridge she doesn't want to burn. Besides, they would so convincingly and blindly think I was just being being an asshole, that I can't even see the point of doing that, even though I have tried. There would be no satisfaction in it for me because it would be like trying to tell a dog what a horrible dog he is; he'd just stare back at you with a dumbfounded expression. So it appears that all I can do is swallow it. And there will be holidays and birthdays and my wife will go there with my son and I can't fathom not being around my wife and son on these kinds of occasions.

Thus it seems as though I am inextricably and hopelessly tied to these people, who've brought out a level of disgust and hatred that I've never felt towards any human being in my life. And for as long as they live, they will never take any responsibility for any of what they've done. Do you see the conundrum I'm in? If so, please tell me and also tell me what you would do in this situation.

Thanks.

 

[-=SS=-]

It's situations like this that make me think twice about wanting to start a family in the future.. it's one thing to be surrounded by idiots in public, but to be forced to deal with them through blood ties.. ugh. Headache. I sympathize with your position.

The twisting around and trying to make you out to be the bad guy/people whilst highlighting all that they have done for you in the past sounds like emotional manipulation/abuse to me. Personally I would have little tolerance for that. I would make it clear to my wife that it's bullshit, that I will not bend over to accommodate this nonsense even if it is your parents.. I love you and this family first, your parents second.. and you married me as a man and not someone who is intimidated by relatives who have a few screws loose, who are looking to play schoolyard mind games to cover up some gaping hole in their own lives.

I'm not sure what else you can do except set aside the anger for now? Making a big scene seems futile given they are as you say already set in their convictions about what happened. Just get on with your lives and when the inevitable time comes when you have to engage with these people again just use some mental aikido on them.. don't fall into any trap or get pissy with them as they may try and spin up the whole thing (if they're as screwy as I think they might be based on your story). Just be as cool as you can be.. play along gently with the situation, but don't bend over for anything at all.. nothing. Just do the minimum in the situation.. you know, like if someone has outstayed their welcome.. you sort of politely wind down the situation by not fully engaging them, if that makes sense. If they ask you why you're being coy or whatever, just be honest and say you're here for your wife and on behalf of the family but because of how the past was handled that you are hesitant to commit much emotion towards them at all, given how much pain you went through due to their actions.

If they get pissy at you for that.. then all you can do is walk away as they are clearly looking to play some sort of stupid game. Don't give them any satisfaction. You will not grovel to them for anything. If they want to help your family out financially or whatever, you will always appreciate the help and say so.. but you are not a child and they are not your parents, this isn't that kind of relationship where they get to dangle rewards or power in front of you to try and encourage behavior or whatever.

Not sure if that is of any use. Good luck with your situation.

 

[Meow1243]

Wow, I know exactly how you feel... My mother has been this way with me in the past. It was basically the same concept just a different scenario. She wronged me, and everybody besides her saw it. In her eyes she had done absolutely nothing wrong and just like in your situation I was the one who she blamed for all the issues that had come up between us, there was nothing that I could say or do to make her see otherwise.

The only difference I see between you and I is that these people who have done you wrong are in laws, not actual family to you which I know makes it a lot worse. I'm very sorry for the situation you're going through. This thing between my mother and I has passed, it's been years since the actual incident. Over time my hatred and resentment has faded despite her ever owning up to what she did.

Honestly the only thing I think you can do is to just deal with your emotions. Vent out your anger, I know that you cannot let it out directly to them but it's certainly not good to keep it pent up inside of you. Try and find a healthy way to let it out. Like the above poster said, limit your interactions with them and when it is absolutely necessary just be cordial. If they try to play games with you choose to be the bigger person and not play into it.

I'm very sorry that that's all the advice that I can give. Just know that they are the ones that are wrong, stick to the truth that you know, not the fiction that they have made up in their heads. It's very admirable and says a lot about you that you are willing to bite your tongue and swallow your pride for the sake of your family, you sound like a good man, best of luck.

 

[iridescentblack]

My father's mother decided when my parents agreed to get married that she didn't approve of the woman my father wished to marry. This created all sorts of family drama, but eventually my grandmother died a scared little old woman, begging our distant relatives, "Please, I want to see my son." Tough luck, Grandma.

 

[Lovecraft]

Wow, I know exactly how you feel... My mother has been this way with me in the past. It was basically the same concept just a different scenario. She wronged me, and everybody besides her saw it. In her eyes she had done absolutely nothing wrong and just like in your situation I was the one who she blamed for all the issues that had come up between us, there was nothing that I could say or do to make her see otherwise.

The only difference I see between you and I is that these people who have done you wrong are in laws, not actual family to you which I know makes it a lot worse. I'm very sorry for the situation you're going through. This thing between my mother and I has passed, it's been years since the actual incident. Over time my hatred and resentment has faded despite her ever owning up to what she did.

Honestly the only thing I think you can do is to just deal with your emotions. Vent out your anger, I know that you cannot let it out directly to them but it's certainly not good to keep it pent up inside of you. Try and find a healthy way to let it out. Like the above poster said, limit your interactions with them and when it is absolutely necessary just be cordial. If they try to play games with you choose to be the bigger person and not play into it.

I'm very sorry that that's all the advice that I can give. Just know that they are the ones that are wrong, stick to the truth that you know, not the fiction that they have made up in their heads. It's very admirable and says a lot about you that you are willing to bite your tongue and swallow your pride for the sake of your family, you sound like a good man, best of luck.

The thing is that I haven't bitten my tongue. I have had some heated and ugly exchanges with them. These are what have revealed to me how much they believe in the crap they tell themselves. I've since stopped only because I realize how futile it is to try to get them to understand what they've done. I might as well be talking to a wall.

But now I end up keeping it all inside. I don't know who or where to vent. Starting this thread has helped a little.

 

[Meow1243]

The thing is that I haven't bitten my tongue. I have had some heated and ugly exchanges with them. These are what have revealed to me how much they believe in the crap they tell themselves. I've since stopped only because I realize how futile it is to try to get them to understand what they've done. I might as well be talking to a wall.

But now I end up keeping it all inside. I don't know who or where to vent. Starting this thread has helped a little.

It just seems like one of those situations where you're not gonna get the best of them. They fucked you over and there's not much that you can do about it. I'm not trying to be harsh, but in life you are going to have to deal with unfair bullshit such as this. I'm sure you already know all about that considering you're in your forties.

At the end of the day you still have your family, and like you said, hopefully you'll be on the other side of this quite soon and it will be just an ugly part of your past. As far as venting and whatnot you said that you spoke with a family therapist, why not try a one on one with a professional so you can talk about all the ugly, angry things that you're feeling right now?

Oh and if you can't get them to own up to their actions and you seriously need to get them back you can always slash their tires or something lmao I'm not even kidding just don't get caught

 

[Lovecraft]

It just seems like one of those situations where you're not gonna get the best of them. They fucked you over and there's not much that you can do about it. I'm not trying to be harsh, but in life you are going to have to deal with unfair bullshit such as this. I'm sure you already know all about that considering you're in your forties.

At the end of the day you still have your family, and like you said, hopefully you'll be on the other side of this quite soon and it will be just an ugly part of your past. As far as venting and whatnot you said that you spoke with a family therapist, why not try a one on one with a professional so you can talk about all the ugly, angry things that you're feeling right now?

Oh and if you can't get them to own up to their actions and you seriously need to get them back you can always slash their tires or something lmao I'm not even kidding just don't get caught

What you said about life is true ; but this series of events totally blindsided me, which adds to the difficulty. I know people are capable of doing fucked up things to other people, but I would have never imagined it coming from family. That's not how my family is.

As far as the tires, I think you might be onto something. I've actually fantasized about setting their house on fire.

 

[socko]

You didn't just marry your wife but her family too.

I broke up with somebody bc I couldn't stand her parents. She said she couldn't stand them either, but she still insisted that we see them more than once a year. I drew the line at once a year so now she gets to be a spinster spending her weekends with them.

 

[Meow1243]

As far as the tires, I think you might be onto something. I've actually fantasized about setting their house on fire.

Haha I wouldn't go THAT far, arson is super illegal I don't think the reward is worth the risk. Not to mention it could end up as a murder as well if they end up being in the house lol. But yeah, we're all human and sometimes a little revenge does well to ease the anger.

 

[thujone]

Part of the problem is that they've helped us out a lot in the past...

There's your problem; your Sword of Damocles. They helped you and therefore you owe them. Not even banks will remember how you owe them for quite as long as family will. There's no sense in arguing it because they will forever perceive their role in your life as a parental obligation to protect their daughter (emotionally, financially, whatever) whenever you fail to do so.

There's no way out of this relationship without your wife's consent, and if she doesn't give that consent because she thinks you "might need them later" then it just shows she doesn't trust you to provide the type of stability that every woman out there with a kid to raise desires. So... it kind of sounds like... she empathizes with you and agrees that her parents are playing dirty, but at the same time thinks that you are to blame because, after all, you had to accept her parents' help before.

Personally, it sounds to me like you could be more at-fault than you are letting on or possibly even aware of. I'm not saying you should blame yourself, or that I blame you, just suggesting that if you flip the situation in your head and start from the premise that you are at fault it might be easier to find an equitable solution than if you stay focused on how the parents are being monsters.

 

[manboychef]

Sometimes it is best to turn the other cheek. Eventually they will call on you for help...Take the high road. Do not rub it in their faces or bring it up constantly, just do it out of familial obligation. My dad and step mom were abusive emotionally and verbally to my brother and I. Eventually I moved out at sixteen and he at eighteen. I didn't talk to them, return their calls, or visit. This led to them really reevaluating the relationship we had. My stepmom came to me in tears on a christmas and asked if I was an addict because of her (first of all, how conceited, second of all, no, I just couldn't handle the emotional pain they caused. We cleared the air. My brother and I sat them down....it was like a tribunal. We broke down all the situations that they did wrong because as we got older we realized that the way they treated us was not societies norms. I had stopped looking at them as authority figures at sixteen, and my brother at eighteen. Basically my brother and I closed this with a round of apologies and told them that the relationship they want from us is going to take hard work, and admitting we were wrong....We told them for the time being, we can be friends, but that whole parent then is still so far off the table that it hasn't even been put in the oven yet.

Eventually your feelings will need to be addressed and validated by these people, however don't hold out hope, mine is a rare case. I suggest sitting down with a mediator and going through the problem. Don't get flustered or angry as you have already lost any credibility at that point. Just be calm cool and concise, yet also able to express and feel remorse for your role in it. It is the only real way to heal your family and get past that emotional pain. These are your family now, and you don't have to like them, but should at least respect them for raising your wife (whom I believe you must love of you put up with such torment)

 

[rakketakke]

It's situations like this that make me think twice about wanting to start a family in the future.. it's one thing to be surrounded by idiots in public, but to be forced to deal with them through blood ties.. ugh. Headache. I sympathize with your position.

The twisting around and trying to make you out to be the bad guy/people whilst highlighting all that they have done for you in the past sounds like emotional manipulation/abuse to me. Personally I would have little tolerance for that. I would make it clear to my wife that it's bullshit, that I will not bend over to accommodate this nonsense even if it is your parents.. I love you and this family first, your parents second.. and you married me as a man and not someone who is intimidated by relatives who have a few screws loose, who are looking to play schoolyard mind games to cover up some gaping hole in their own lives.

I'm not sure what else you can do except set aside the anger for now? Making a big scene seems futile given they are as you say already set in their convictions about what happened. Just get on with your lives and when the inevitable time comes when you have to engage with these people again just use some mental aikido on them.. don't fall into any trap or get pissy with them as they may try and spin up the whole thing (if they're as screwy as I think they might be based on your story). Just be as cool as you can be.. play along gently with the situation, but don't bend over for anything at all.. nothing. Just do the minimum in the situation.. you know, like if someone has outstayed their welcome.. you sort of politely wind down the situation by not fully engaging them, if that makes sense. If they ask you why you're being coy or whatever, just be honest and say you're here for your wife and on behalf of the family but because of how the past was handled that you are hesitant to commit much emotion towards them at all, given how much pain you went through due to their actions.

If they get pissy at you for that.. then all you can do is walk away as they are clearly looking to play some sort of stupid game. Don't give them any satisfaction. You will not grovel to them for anything. If they want to help your family out financially or whatever, you will always appreciate the help and say so.. but you are not a child and they are not your parents, this isn't that kind of relationship where they get to dangle rewards or power in front of you to try and encourage behavior or whatever.

Not sure if that is of any use. Good luck with your situation.

wow I really needed this
thanks
duely noted