Depression How do people overcome survival instinct to kill themselves?

[MuertaMan]

Im have an auto immune disease (according to doctors) which has yet to be given an actual name and Drs don't even give me the time of day before I gave up after 3 years of trying to get help. Its the most uncomfortable disgusting feeling that I just can't cope with anymore, I feel like a million little ants are crawling on my skin biting me and just tingling/itching, if you've ever walked through a spider web imagine that feeling stuck to your face and skin and not being able to get it off, it feels alot like that. Its slowly gotten worse over the years and the exhaustion and being down about not being able to do the things I loved doing in my old life is slowly eating at me to where I don't want to live anymore. In my life ive had a rope around my neck more times than I can count just trying to feel what it would be like and when I start to fade out Ive always panicked and taken it off. I don't want to live if this is the way Im going to feel for the rest of my life I wake up with it and its there all day everyday. My family does not show any type of understanding and they don't care, Im in therapy have a counselor but none of that means shit when it comes to pain.

Im not asking for tips its just something i cant understand, like my instinct kicks in to save myself even though Im more than positive Im ready to checkout, there is nothing on this earth that is worth it to me to constantly feel like shit confined to a rocking chair at 37 with only the internet to keep me company. Ive seen videos of young kids that have hung themselves, its like obviously they had the nerve to through with it so I just always wonder what is it that lets someone just say "fuck it this time Im going through with it" as opposed to other trial runs where a person chickens out. I wake up in tears and I go to sleep the same way except I dont sleep I just lay there itching and tingling uncomfortable. The days of "finding a cure" by reading and making appts are over and dealing with the shame and embarrassment of having to be judged like your some loser by these "medical professionals" just because you want at least a chance at being able to function never brings any results, you only get one life and these fuckers act like its perfectly ok for me to always feel like this and I hate their smug attitudes so Ive given up. I don't want to endure this all over again tomorrow and the next day and so on, its not gonna get better its just gonna get worse and Im just not willing to do this anymore. Sorry for the whiny post

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey hang in there. I dealt with a very similar experience. I was crushed by a autoimmune/they don’t have a fucking clue illness. Don’t give up. In was so sick for almost five years and did The whole medical system nightmare. Waiting for appointments with yet another clueless person, going into the ER for fluids and getting the drug seeker bullshit.. after a min I would shake my meds over my head and sing “I’m not looking for pain meds, no I’m not looking for drugs.” Fucking illness and Medical system bankrupted me and I was fucking miserable for years. Ended up just fucked and totally hooked on mad opiates. I got to where you are.. I can’t deal with this shit.. I’m done. Then I said fine I’m going to look into everything one more time. I got all my medical records and wow are they filled with some very stupid shit and the errors.. they were awful. But hey I researched everything, bounced questions off some medical family members and noticed a few things. I was like these diagnoses are junk. I think
I have two things not like 11. So I say give me these two tests.. why do you want those.. hey it’s been over five years and all you guys have not come up with anything really so just order the tests. Bam I get a call at 430 am from my Doc and he goes your not going to believe this but both those tests results came back severely abnormal. Alright now we are getting somewhere I say. Both were pretty easy to treat. Then I go I want this. For what he goes.. I say off label for all 7 of these supposed conditions. He goes that’s a bipolar med and isn’t used to treat any of that. I know doc but the off label looks really promising for all the rest. I don’t prescribe psych meds but I’ll give you a referral. So three months later I present with newly acquired bipolar situation and get the med I wanted. 30 days later I was right as rain. Then I had to detox the pain meds and benzodiazepines. It’s a decade later and I’m fully recovered. Well almost I still have some trauma issues from the medical system and actually can’t stand being asked my Birthdate and to spell my fucking name or to fill out the same stupid shit paperwork and be asked my med list. I have actually been thrown out of visits for refusing to do that stupid shit.

10 years down the road and I’m fully good

That’s where my handle comes from.. neversickanymore.

I wish this for you!!

 

[nznity]

I don't think killing yourself is a "survival instinct".

 

[nznity]

Im have an auto immune disease (according to doctors) which has yet to be given an actual name and Drs don't even give me the time of day before I gave up after 3 years of trying to get help. Its the most uncomfortable disgusting feeling that I just can't cope with anymore, I feel like a million little ants are crawling on my skin biting me and just tingling/itching, if you've ever walked through a spider web imagine that feeling stuck to your face and skin and not being able to get it off, it feels alot like that. Its slowly gotten worse over the years and the exhaustion and being down about not being able to do the things I loved doing in my old life is slowly eating at me to where I don't want to live anymore. In my life ive had a rope around my neck more times than I can count just trying to feel what it would be like and when I start to fade out Ive always panicked and taken it off. I don't want to live if this is the way Im going to feel for the rest of my life I wake up with it and its there all day everyday. My family does not show any type of understanding and they don't care, Im in therapy have a counselor but none of that means shit when it comes to pain.

Im not asking for tips its just something i cant understand, like my instinct kicks in to save myself even though Im more than positive Im ready to checkout, there is nothing on this earth that is worth it to me to constantly feel like shit confined to a rocking chair at 37 with only the internet to keep me company. Ive seen videos of young kids that have hung themselves, its like obviously they had the nerve to through with it so I just always wonder what is it that lets someone just say "fuck it this time Im going through with it" as opposed to other trial runs where a person chickens out. I wake up in tears and I go to sleep the same way except I dont sleep I just lay there itching and tingling uncomfortable. The days of "finding a cure" by reading and making appts are over and dealing with the shame and embarrassment of having to be judged like your some loser by these "medical professionals" just because you want at least a chance at being able to function never brings any results, you only get one life and these fuckers act like its perfectly ok for me to always feel like this and I hate their smug attitudes so Ive given up. I don't want to endure this all over again tomorrow and the next day and so on, its not gonna get better its just gonna get worse and Im just not willing to do this anymore. Sorry for the whiny post

You know, don't give up until u have exhausted all resources. U needa find out what is the thing that flares up your condition. Could be from things you eat, to allergies, contamination itself. Don't listen to anyone that says u got no options left, there's always something that u haven't tried. Don't give up, there's ppl who have it worse than u and are still fighting. If u just change ur attitude towards a one more positive ull start feeling a lil better. I send u a big hug and plz keep trying. You're not whiny at all, we are here to help u. If u needa cry, cry its for u to vent things out. Lots of positive vibes 4 u.
xx

 

[MuertaMan]

I don't think killing yourself is a "survival instinct".

You misunderstood I was implying that the bodies instinct to survive is so strong that I don't understand how some people are able to overcome that instinct and go through with it even when their mind is doing everything it can to prevent it they still go ahead and do it.

 

[nznity]

You misunderstood I was implying that the bodies instinct to survive is so strong that I don't understand how some people are able to overcome that instinct and go through with it even when their mind is doing everything it can to prevent it they still go ahead and do it.

Oooops, you're Right. I just misread it(srry I'm high) well, the simple answer is that "when the pain becomes too fucking unbearable. Bam, they go ahead". Now the thing is, ppl have different thresholds. U could say some of them are weaker( although, I'd like to say they are just more sensitive ). Nobody in this world has 0 problems, the thing about life is "how far are you willing to endure what has been chosen for you"? Some ppl just say fuk it and go ahead. It's your choice at last.

 

[MuertaMan]

And yeah I figured you were high you don't know me but I know lots about you ive lurked here for a decade at least, you get better drugs than anyone on here and like to kind of brag in an off putting way as if you are an authority figure on drugs and us peasants couldnt dream of having the connections you have lol, what do I know though "Im weak" according to you for not wanting to live in a large amount of pain everyday........

 

[MuertaMan]

The psyches shrooms in particular saved my fucking life starting about 2 years ago, I had a stash of some amazing mushrooms, I live with family because of my condition but those mushrooms gave me pain relief physical and mental enough to where I was finally able to get a full time job with full health benefits and I had saved about 12 grand and was a few months away from my goal of wanting to save 20 grand before feeling save enough to move back out again. I dosed every saturday at around 9pm and would feel amazing relief until about the following wednesday or thursday. I had a great system going and one day I came home from work and opened my closet to find my stash of 4 ounces was gone and my family had stolen them and flushed them. THey knew I had been taking them and saw the immediate change in my life gaining employment and the suicide talk had all but vanished but my family has always disowned me for drug use and I swear they wanted me to fail, I hurt no one by taking those shrooms. I dont have connects for hard drugs except coke, I love crack but the lack of duration just makes it not feasible, if i had an H connection Id try that but I dont. What I really want is the shrooms back, theres no options to make more shrooms around here everyone is always right on top of me watching my every move. Shrooms all but cured it for almost a week at a time in between, I want my stash back so bad. Shrooms are a miracle substance.

 

[G_Chem]

The psyches shrooms in particular saved my fucking life starting about 2 years ago, I had a stash of some amazing mushrooms, I live with family because of my condition but those mushrooms gave me pain relief physical and mental enough to where I was finally able to get a full time job with full health benefits and I had saved about 12 grand and was a few months away from my goal of wanting to save 20 grand before feeling save enough to move back out again. I dosed every saturday at around 9pm and would feel amazing relief until about the following wednesday or thursday. I had a great system going and one day I came home from work and opened my closet to find my stash of 4 ounces was gone and my family had stolen them and flushed them. THey knew I had been taking them and saw the immediate change in my life gaining employment and the suicide talk had all but vanished but my family has always disowned me for drug use and I swear they wanted me to fail, I hurt no one by taking those shrooms. I dont have connects for hard drugs except coke, I love crack but the lack of duration just makes it not feasible, if i had an H connection Id try that but I dont. What I really want is the shrooms back, theres no options to make more shrooms around here everyone is always right on top of me watching my every move. Shrooms all but cured it for almost a week at a time in between, I want my stash back so bad. Shrooms are a miracle substance.

This all sounds so simple to me. You need to re-acquire your mushroom regimen as obviously that was keeping you both functional and not suicidal. You don’t need 20k to leave, so this next round just save up the minimal amount to allow yourself to escape that obvious toxic environment.

If you can’t take what makes you functional there, you’ll have to leave. It sucks but it’s that or stay there doing exactly what you’ve been doing. I know toxic family homes, my drug use gets a million times better when I’m away.

-GC

 

[MuertaMan]

This all sounds so simple to me. You need to re-acquire your mushroom regimen as obviously that was keeping you both functional and not suicidal. You don’t need 20k to leave, so this next round just save up the minimal amount to allow yourself to escape that obvious toxic environment.

If you can’t take what makes you functional there, you’ll have to leave. It sucks but it’s that or stay there doing exactly what you’ve been doing. I know toxic family homes, my drug use gets a million times better when I’m away.

-GC

I agree with ya. The only issue that arises is despite that it does help immensely tripping every weekend starts to take a mental toll. Kind like you never stop tripping to some extent even on the days in between and I was getting kind of "out there". Once a month would be ok I think but that leaves alot of days in between so I'll have to find some other methods. I don't actually want to die I just want the health problems to stop, if I could get better I have lots of things I still want to do in life.

 

[G_Chem]

I agree with ya. The only issue that arises is despite that it does help immensely tripping every weekend starts to take a mental toll. Kind like you never stop tripping to some extent even on the days in between and I was getting kind of "out there". Once a month would be ok I think but that leaves alot of days in between so I'll have to find some other methods. I don't actually want to die I just want the health problems to stop, if I could get better I have lots of things I still want to do in life.

Gosh normally I’m not one to suggest Ketamine (and obviously I’m not doctor) but you sound like a perfect candidate. It would work immediately to relieve the physical sensations (although may come back after it wears off) and help tremendously with the suicidal ideation. There is a bladder risk but at this point sounds like that’s a risk worth taking. You also won’t deal with quite the same residual trippiness typical psychedelics have..

Ketamine is available legally but the clinics are an arm and a leg, illegally is much much more affordable.

-GC

 

[MuertaMan]

For some reason thats like one drug Ive never come across, what is is like does it have that weightless body feeling at all? Thats like my favorite part of mushrooms when you learn to get the dose just right and right around the peak where my body feels light as a feather, I used to love putting my hoody on with the hood up and for some reason even in the middle of the night in a mostly dark room except for a dim lamp I would put sunglasses on and close my eyes and take some hits of nitrous and fuck it was even better euphoria then crack and opiates combined, I had never known tripping could be so euphoric until that summer like 2 years ago when I experimented with them so much and finally got to see the full potential mushrooms had to offer. I love mushrooms and I cant wait to get back to them again, Im not religious but its hard not to feel like they are a gift to mankind, no medicine on earth has ever invigorated my zest for life like they do and the most amazing part to me is how you feel fucking better than you did before you took them for days/weeks after, no dirty hangover or depleted feeling like most drugs bring where you can get depressed. I used to take them saturday night and on monday morning driving to work at 630 am Id be fist pumping the air to psytrance in my car instead of dreading work haha. They are amazing

 

[nznity]

And yeah I figured you were high you don't know me but I know lots about you ive lurked here for a decade at least, you get better drugs than anyone on here and like to kind of brag in an off putting way as if you are an authority figure on drugs and us peasants couldnt dream of having the connections you have lol, what do I know though "Im weak" according to you for not wanting to live in a large amount of pain everyday........

LOL wtf, I never said that. I'm a sensitive person too. I suffer from chronic pain and trust me, I know how it feels to have SI(it's a fucking struggle). It's not like I brag about my drugs, I just show what I get down here. it's not really that good to have access to cheap and really potent drugs, it's a fuckin blessing and a curse at the same time. I think you're judging Me without knowing Me at all. If there's something I really dislike is prejudice and trust me, you're not weak at all. You're a "warrior" for still being here.
xoxoxoxo

 

[MuertaMan]

LOL wtf, I never said that. I'm a sensitive person too. I suffer from chronic pain and trust me, I know how it feels to have SI(it's a fucking struggle). It's not like I brag about my drugs, I just show what I get down here. it's not really that good to have access to cheap and really potent drugs, it's a fuckin blessing and a curse at the same time. I think you're judging Me without knowing Me at all. If there's something I really dislike is prejudice and trust me, you're not weak at all. You're a "warrior" for still being here.
xoxoxoxo

I was in a shit mood when I read your post so I was like "WTF man", no hard feelings.

 

[nznity]

I was in a shit mood when I read your post so I was like "WTF man", no hard feelings.

Don't worry, I get that too. it's k

 

[skipjames]

it's not really that good to have access to cheap and really potent drugs, it's a fuckin blessing and a curse at the same time.

Ditto. As I was saying to a friend here on BL, probably if I was living in , say,in a place with only fentadope fentacoke fentabenzos fentaweed and I guess even fentaburgers I ll have some pressing reasons to clean my act . Not to mention the stories you hear here on BL of....users with 2 grams of gear being jailed for possession or having the DEA the FBI the...Delta force or whatever on them when they try to score. Kidding but that ´s absurd how many lives of otherwise law abiding drug users have been destroyed by LE for no fucking reasons. We definitely have an "easier "life here in South America but it s not all fun and giggles, try stop doing coke when it s cheaper than food good and one Whatsapp text away from you, or when you take an Uber, 8 out of 10 times the driver is on coke, half the people you know are as well and the police and the dealers are basically colleagues

 

[foodcrisis]

that sucks you are in pain. i have a herniated disk and nerve damage that used to be harder to deal with. i'd be in pain and have pins and needles all over my body at times.

the only thing i can really say to you is that if you do kill yourself, you don't know that there is some reincarnation and if you kill yourself at that moment you may be put into another worse part of existence... i know this might be hard to believe, i don't really even fully believe it myself, but i always entertain the idea and then it makes suicide seem kind of laughable to me, like something i wouldn't want to mess around with. there could be a god directing your spirit and it could be wanting to put you through a lot of shit is the way i think of it. basically i don't trust god enough to commit suicide.

 

[skipjames]

Im have an auto immune disease (according to doctors) which has yet to be given an actual name and Drs don't even give me the time of day before I gave up after 3 years of trying to get help. Its the most uncomfortable disgusting feeling that I just can't cope with anymore, I feel like a million little ants are crawling on my skin biting me and just tingling/itching, if you've ever walked through a spider web imagine that feeling stuck to your face and skin and not being able to get it off, it feels alot like that. Its slowly gotten worse over the years and the exhaustion and being down about not being able to do the things I loved doing in my old life is slowly eating at me to where I don't want to live anymore. In my life ive had a rope around my neck more times than I can count just trying to feel what it would be like and when I start to fade out Ive always panicked and taken it off. I don't want to live if this is the way Im going to feel for the rest of my life I wake up with it and its there all day everyday. My family does not show any type of understanding and they don't care, Im in therapy have a counselor but none of that means shit when it comes to pain.

Im not asking for tips its just something i cant understand, like my instinct kicks in to save myself even though Im more than positive Im ready to checkout, there is nothing on this earth that is worth it to me to constantly feel like shit confined to a rocking chair at 37 with only the internet to keep me company. Ive seen videos of young kids that have hung themselves, its like obviously they had the nerve to through with it so I just always wonder what is it that lets someone just say "fuck it this time Im going through with it" as opposed to other trial runs where a person chickens out. I wake up in tears and I go to sleep the same way except I dont sleep I just lay there itching and tingling uncomfortable. The days of "finding a cure" by reading and making appts are over and dealing with the shame and embarrassment of having to be judged like your some loser by these "medical professionals" just because you want at least a chance at being able to function never brings any results, you only get one life and these fuckers act like its perfectly ok for me to always feel like this and I hate their smug attitudes so Ive given up. I don't want to endure this all over again tomorrow and the next day and so on, its not gonna get better its just gonna get worse and Im just not willing to do this anymore. Sorry for the whiny post

I m so sorry of reading of your struggles and I don t even know if what I am writing here can be remotely helpful, I have toyed with the idea of suicide during w-ds or comedowns but then when death was not a remote possibility anymore (i.e. when i was about to OD ) BAM, I realized how much I wanted to live after all. I was seriously suicidal just once, like thinking about the most effective ways to do it, then I realized how my death could have affected the people that love me, first my mum , my dad that was still alive back then, my few real friends etc etc etc and here I am. Not that means a lot when you are in a world of pain (physical, mental or both) but maybe it can just a little.....

 

[nznity]

try stop doing coke when it s cheaper than food good and one Whatsapp text away from you, or when you take an Uber, 8 out of 10 times the driver is on coke, half the people you know are as well and the police and the dealers are basically colleagues

Exactly man,
It's so easy to go overboard with cocaine here that it feels almost like how alcohólics have a hard time quitting, since it's so socially aceptable and it's everywhere.
I've seen so many ppl turn their lives to shit so fast, so it's not all glamorous having cheap and good blow available.

 

[skipjames]

t it feels almost like how alcohólics have a hard time quitting, since it's so socially aceptable and it's everywhere

You know I was thinking EXACTLY the same thing just today, it s like having a taste of what alcoholics have to face ( obviously not as hard as alcoholism and benzo addiction are the worst addiction ever.....) Down here at least is frowned upon a little and ...is not produced, when I went to Colombia people were snorting blow openly while in line for the loo I guess that in Peru´ is almost the same....