So some of you may remember my thread http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/796706-I-need-help-and-I-know-it
Since then I discovered through doctors appointments that my wrist is permanent fucked up. Multiple dislocated bones, which cannot be repaired. This allows me about 60% range of motion and causes pain especially during movement of my wrist obviously. Ever feel bones scrape and roll around and lock in your wrist?
I also learned of developing arthritis in my neck, and permanent joint damage in my knee.
All of this spiraled me out of control and I came within a few hours of killing myself. Read the above thread for context if you need it regarding past events.
After a very difficult and emotional train wreck of an doctors appointment I got oxy and valium refills and decided to continue since I could deal with the pain with those. But those were the last I got... I went to a pain clinic where the kind doctor went into great detail about opiates not helping me at this point. He explained his experience and that at one point the clinic had a patient that was on an equivalent 700mg of opiates with completely uncontrolled pain.
Knowing how my own pain had gotten disproportionate even with what I was facing and how my doses had failed to control it when once 5mg had controlled the pain of 5 broken bones and an assortment of terrible things. So I left there with prescriptions for gabapentin and clonodine for a year and promethazine and loperamide. That worked for a while. But then my brain started to backpedal and slowly over time it started to warm up to Heroin.
It's cheap and if I can get 500mg for 80 bucks that would last a long time on 30mg a day of oxy. With H being stronger maybe it could even last a month! But... Heroin doesn't work that way now does it? So I bought a point, hey its just morphine it's no different than what I've been on right? I snorted probably a good 20mg and it hit me like a ton of bricks it was amazing I can't lie. I quickly got sick though and felt terrible the next day. Fast forward a gram and I'm doing half a g over 3 to 7 days... Not. Sustainable. I'm a zombie at this point, hurting anyone that cared. My pain wasn't controlled, I never achieved the feeling of that first high and I was still just as depressed and my mind was impaired.
So I did my last dose which probably came out to atleast a point possibly .150 or .200. More than I'd ever done, my pupils were tiny and I was sleepy and pretty high but I was still not well enough. I was pretty damn decent but not what I hoped for. I still did stuff and functioned and it lasted probably 3 hours and faded after that.
I couldn't afford it, it was nothing like oxy, hydro or dilaudid and I was dying inside. So I haven't done anymore since then, I am 16 days sober! Do I miss it? Yes and terribly. There have been nights it was all I could think about and wanted to go get some. I need it to cope with life and it's hard, so incredibly hard. But people are noticing I'm coming back to life, my mind is functioning much better and my pain is actually MORE managed!
But then there's the waves of anxiety, depression and pain when I normally would have reached for opiates. That's what I'm fighting now. I wonder to myself if it's really that bad? People do lots of things to alter their mind! Alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, pot etc. So if this is what I need then what's the big deal? But I know what the big deal is, and that's the struggle. Seeing the junkies that are deep into it, the dealers and the environment and knowing I don't belong there.
How could something so good be so poisonous as to poison everything around it once it's victim is full already? How could such an effective deadly trap exist? It's terrible but I'm stronger. I'm a survivor and I'm already winning.
Since then I discovered through doctors appointments that my wrist is permanent fucked up. Multiple dislocated bones, which cannot be repaired. This allows me about 60% range of motion and causes pain especially during movement of my wrist obviously. Ever feel bones scrape and roll around and lock in your wrist?
I also learned of developing arthritis in my neck, and permanent joint damage in my knee.
All of this spiraled me out of control and I came within a few hours of killing myself. Read the above thread for context if you need it regarding past events.
After a very difficult and emotional train wreck of an doctors appointment I got oxy and valium refills and decided to continue since I could deal with the pain with those. But those were the last I got... I went to a pain clinic where the kind doctor went into great detail about opiates not helping me at this point. He explained his experience and that at one point the clinic had a patient that was on an equivalent 700mg of opiates with completely uncontrolled pain.
Knowing how my own pain had gotten disproportionate even with what I was facing and how my doses had failed to control it when once 5mg had controlled the pain of 5 broken bones and an assortment of terrible things. So I left there with prescriptions for gabapentin and clonodine for a year and promethazine and loperamide. That worked for a while. But then my brain started to backpedal and slowly over time it started to warm up to Heroin.
It's cheap and if I can get 500mg for 80 bucks that would last a long time on 30mg a day of oxy. With H being stronger maybe it could even last a month! But... Heroin doesn't work that way now does it? So I bought a point, hey its just morphine it's no different than what I've been on right? I snorted probably a good 20mg and it hit me like a ton of bricks it was amazing I can't lie. I quickly got sick though and felt terrible the next day. Fast forward a gram and I'm doing half a g over 3 to 7 days... Not. Sustainable. I'm a zombie at this point, hurting anyone that cared. My pain wasn't controlled, I never achieved the feeling of that first high and I was still just as depressed and my mind was impaired.
So I did my last dose which probably came out to atleast a point possibly .150 or .200. More than I'd ever done, my pupils were tiny and I was sleepy and pretty high but I was still not well enough. I was pretty damn decent but not what I hoped for. I still did stuff and functioned and it lasted probably 3 hours and faded after that.
I couldn't afford it, it was nothing like oxy, hydro or dilaudid and I was dying inside. So I haven't done anymore since then, I am 16 days sober! Do I miss it? Yes and terribly. There have been nights it was all I could think about and wanted to go get some. I need it to cope with life and it's hard, so incredibly hard. But people are noticing I'm coming back to life, my mind is functioning much better and my pain is actually MORE managed!
But then there's the waves of anxiety, depression and pain when I normally would have reached for opiates. That's what I'm fighting now. I wonder to myself if it's really that bad? People do lots of things to alter their mind! Alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, pot etc. So if this is what I need then what's the big deal? But I know what the big deal is, and that's the struggle. Seeing the junkies that are deep into it, the dealers and the environment and knowing I don't belong there.
How could something so good be so poisonous as to poison everything around it once it's victim is full already? How could such an effective deadly trap exist? It's terrible but I'm stronger. I'm a survivor and I'm already winning.
