• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

How are you in one word vs. feelin' the feels

Status
Not open for further replies.
Suicidal.


I relapsed. I lied to my boyfriend about it, and he knew it. I cheated on him. And what's worse, is that I did as prostitute so I could pay my rent. I'm disgusting. I absolutely hate myself. He hasn't left me, but I can see the pain I've done and I'm certain it will never be the same. Trying to find some family back home to take my dog for a while. He doesn't want me staying alone for fear I'll kill myself. And I don't blame him. I am worthless.
 
Hey.. calm down a little model.. I think you may be holding yourself to some crazy high standard.. dont get me wrong, your an amazing person.. but I'm going to let you in on a little secret.. your not a GOD, so quit beating yourself up fro not acting like one all the time.. sweety you are human and humans make mistakes.. oh and humans choose to make mistakes.. yeah we fuck it up all the time.. yeah we choose to fuck it up all the time.. so please girl take a step back.. so you relapsed.. so you sold a little lovin.. and it wasn't to your BF and he is loosing it.. I'm still not even seeing anything close to a reason to kill yourself.. addicts relapse that just what we do.. not an excuse to to start using.. a relapse is just a learning experience.. look at what you did that facilitated the relapse and implement a plan to avoid it in the future.. shit i hate to break this to you but this most likely wont be the last one.. pick yourself back up and throw all the self hatred guilt to outer space as it only makes you miserable and will drive further use.. baby forgive yourself.. that is unless you are a god.. you have the beauty of a goddess but sweetie you are just a human.. pick yourself back up, brush yourself off, forgive yourself cause misery is for idiots.. and give you and your man the time to work to make amends.. If bumbling through life making mistake after mistake wasn't the norm and a good justification for suiscide then we all might as well start writing notes rite now.. <3<3<3

Pm me anytime you need anything

edit: happy
 
Last edited:
modelskinny said:
Suicidal.


I relapsed. I lied to my boyfriend about it, and he knew it. I cheated on him. And what's worse, is that I did as prostitute so I could pay my rent. I'm disgusting. I absolutely hate myself. He hasn't left me, but I can see the pain I've done and I'm certain it will never be the same. Trying to find some family back home to take my dog for a while. He doesn't want me staying alone for fear I'll kill myself. And I don't blame him. I am worthless.
Click to expand...

<3 <3 <3

I'm tired
 
model, you're in no way worthless. You're absolutely beautiful, inside and out. Please be kind to yourself and know that things will get better. Lots of love, my dear. <3 <3 <3
 
modelskinny said:
Suicidal.


I relapsed. I lied to my boyfriend about it, and he knew it. I cheated on him. And what's worse, is that I did as prostitute so I could pay my rent. I'm disgusting. I absolutely hate myself. He hasn't left me, but I can see the pain I've done and I'm certain it will never be the same. Trying to find some family back home to take my dog for a while. He doesn't want me staying alone for fear I'll kill myself. And I don't blame him. I am worthless.
Click to expand...
♥♥♥♥♥♥ head up dear.. I've lost my bf recently, he left me...its been pretty hard but ..pm me if u need anything

I'm feeling ok today.. lil creeped out, but all I'm ok.
 
modelskinny said:
Suicidal.
Click to expand...

God, the same. I feel suicidal. I'm not crying for help (I want to clarify that I don't mean to imply you are, model <3), b/c I am as sure as I can be I don't want death, but my cascading thoughts are just drenching me w/ that desire to just exit. B/c this isn't even a little fun anymore. Usually a relapse means I cover up the disappointment w/ euphoria and spent time w/ other friends who's misery obscures mine. Isn't that fucked up??? But I feel even more depressed now, b/c my DOC no longer tricks me anymore. So I am bewildered, and partly wanna die.

I am such a better person w/o this. In every way. Heroin does nothing for me anymore, and I know that should be the final realization I experience before I fully extricate it, but it actually hurts instead. I hope this is just part of what I need to have before I can strongly walk away resolved.

a;hfldsia;efiaifeafnaiifn;af shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. All my friends are gonna be so disappointed in me.
 
First of all sorry model please don't do anything rash we're only human it will be alright.

Im irritated. I'm in a recovery house right now. We have this dude whos skitzo and has been here for 2 years. He needs to be in a home because he doesn't take care of himself hygiene wise and he smokes like 4 packs of cigarettes a day. The dude bought a pack of smokes and was bumming smokes off us 3 hours later... Might not seem bad but he gets his disability check and smokes 2 cartons in 4 days then the rest of the month every time one of us goes out for a smoke hes out there bumming off us like a sad puppy dog.
He can not take care of himself and no one does anything about it because basically he is a golden ticket. His rent is always paid, not something that happens in a halfway house consistently for years. He will die here. He is malnourished, dirty as hell, and doesn't know what is going on but the people in authority won't do shit about it. We have to deal with it. He's like a little kid. Sorry for the rant. We can't even call anyone about it because the state doesn't want to take on the burden of it either I bet. So he's just lost in the system.
 
Petrified.

I am soooo terrified of buying more tomorrow and going on another run. I don't think I can take another....
 
numb.

He wants to work through this together. He still loves me, but he needs to see me take action, even if it means sending my dog to a relative and moving in with him. I don't deserve his kindness, but I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am that he's giving me a chance to to make my life better. I wish I could see how he sees me.
 
Tired

But the sun is shinning here in the UK, I'm just going to open up the bog doors in my living room to the garden and sit here with my faithful dog for a bit, he always makes me feel a bit better <3
 
Weird. Last day of work at a job I've had for more than 8 years.
 
Spork..our beloved state is going to miss u...

I'm feeling SHITY.. my ex is going on his 2nd date tonight w girl he met last week... I feel sick and depressed..I wana just cry but I can't..
 
"BETTER"is my word.
on an upwards trajectory after feeling low.
anxiety is hell.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top