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How are you in one word ver. Feelings left between the pages

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I have a good friend (a Bluelighter) sitting for me, either at my house or his. It's going to be this Saturday, and I don't have to work again until Wednesday (I work at home through the Internet since I am a programmer). I would have liked to have taken a whole week or more off but I could only get 2 days (though I also have weekends off)... my job is important as I live paycheck to paycheck because of my addition and don't want to lose my house. For that matter, I wish I had the resources to go to a clinic that specializes in Ibogaine treatment but it's not in the cards at this time.

I have a couple of friends who did ibogaine too, one relapsed after a year of doing really well (a bunch of crazy shit happened and it became too much for him), and the other is still doing well. Both of my friends can't recommend it highly enough. I've been an opiate addict for 10 years with multiple full quits, and I always end up relapsing. So I feel that it is time to try something different. The main reason for my pain in my life is gone (being in an emotionally abusive relationship where I could not be who I really am), and I feel much stronger already, so I feel that there is a good chance of this being a very positive source of change for me.
 
Lost.

I just don't really understand what humanity is and why we are alive and why we live and feel. It's really complicated. I am gonna start to do personal philosophical studies to try and grasp this myself. I just hope I don't look cynical to others.
 
JonDoe101 said:
Lost.

I just don't really understand what humanity is and why we are alive and why we live and feel. It's really complicated. I am gonna start to do personal philosophical studies to try and grasp this myself. I just hope I don't look cynical to others.
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I totally know how you feel, I've been there a few times. Existential ponderings can lead to a crisis sometimes. Ultimately we can't know, though we certainly try, what the true nature of this reality is, and why we're here. You can PM me if you want to talk about it. Question: is this a natural progression in your thoughts, or did some event cause it? Did you do a psychedelic, and/or have you done a psychedelic and had an experience that caused you to become lost feeling?

I ask because that was what led to those feelings for me. :)
 
Worried. I took some suboxone 2 days ago (only time I ever have), it took 12mg (in 2mg increments) before I felt relief, though the last 2-4mg may have just not hit yet before I felt it all. I'm worried because today in the Neuroscience forum they told me that suboxone is a potent kappa opiate antagonist and that ibogaine's action is partly due to kappa agonism. And that buprenorphine's half-life is on average 37.5 hours. So that gives me 6 days (144 hours) between my last 2mg dose of it and when I plan to take the ibogaine. Hoping it's enough time to get it completely out of my system because I can't really reschedule. I wish I could just drop everything for it but I had to plan out a good 4 days well in advance because of my job and other responsibilities.
 
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bored

Wanna go fishing but it's starting to rain and I don't really know of any good spots that are close
 
ugh I'm feeling socially awkward, I have never felt like this before. I feel as if everyone is looking at me and even talking about me at work/everywhere (I don't feel like this all the time just mostly at my work place). It could be the fact that I can't properly take my klonopin script for anxiety and I ripped through all my Adderall, it's most likely the abuse of the stimulants fucking with me on top of the anxiety. I'm learning to just roll with the paranoia at the moment. 8)
 
^ some aerobic exercise should help with that. even one time is likely to make a big difference.

I feal relaxed today
 
Submissive

F.or the first time in my life.
I. give up.
N.o more reason to keep fighting a battle I cant win.
I. try everyday.
S.o hard.
H.ad to go through so much to get where I am in life.
E.ver wonder what the point is?
D.on't, there is none.

-HOOD
 
There is no point HOOD but fuck it let's just keep going.


I feel warm.
 
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