So, I fucked up.
I'm early 30s; have a 2 year old child; a stressful job. In my younger days, I enjoyed marijuana, cocaine, the occasional shroom trip, binge drinking, and had a pretty nasty 4 year addiction to painkillers. I've been a heavy smoker since about 18.
I kicked the painkiller habit in 2007 before going to grad school. Stuck with only marijuana throughout grad school, have since tapered down to intermittent use (if it's available, I'll smoke it, but I don't seek it out). Rarely drink, but still a heavy smoker. I'm not prescribed adderall, but get it from a very dear friend and take less than 20 mg per day (though I have grown pretty dependent on it in the last 6 months).
Last time I picked up adderall, my dear friend offered to sell me a capsule of molly. I knew very little about it and had no interest, so I declined. He gave it to me to try anyway, and said it only lasts 3 hours and "I'd just melt into the couch" and have a great night. I've known him for 15+ years and the bulk of my partying days were spent with him. He's a professional drug abuser and I trust him in that arena, but I was hesitant about the molly. I've put on weight with age, I smoke, I stress about my job all the time, I don't sleep enough, I eat like shit, and I don't exercise, and I think I'm more sensitive to amphetamines than the average bear. In sum, I am quite unhealthy. I put the capsule away when I got home and gave it little thought.
This past Sunday, at about 11pm, I was stressed to the hilt and trying to get some work done before the week started. I confided in my husband that I was actually in over my head at work, had a little cry, and told him I had some molly that I was considering taking to relax. (I have Mondays off so I can spend time with my son.) I had taken 20 mg of adderall throughout the day, and "melting into the couch" sounded like a great idea. My husband knew even less about molly than I did. We were both hesitant because I am pretty unhealthy, but we talked about it and ended up at: "Fuck it, do it."
I took the capsule (on an empty stomach). Finished up some more work and within the hour, was feeling pretty good and loose. I thought, "Okay, this wasn't bad." I decided to lay down and browse reddit, as usual, before dozing off.
About 30 minutes later I started feeling nauseated and got up to get something to drink. Then it hit me. Everything was spinning and out of control. I started to PANIC. I hadn't done my research and I didn't think it would be like that; I thought it would be like, I don't know, xanax and alcohol. My first instinct was to try and throw it up but I knew it was too late. I had hopped on this train and there was no turning back.
I knew I had to anchor myself and calm down. I told myself I was not going to die, that it would only last a few hours, and I would be fine. I laid as still as possible and tried to clear my head of negative thoughts. A few hours later, I was able to go outside for a smoke. I made it halfway through my cigarette and threw up. I fell asleep pretty quickly after that, because I was so emotionally drained.
I felt horrible when I woke up on Monday. I was SO fatigued, which I rarely am (thanks to the motivator of stress and adderall). I took my usual dose of adderall at 10:30, hoping to snap out of it, but was napping with my son by 11:30. He woke up at 1:00 and I drug myself out of bed, only to feed him a quick lunch, lock all bedroom / bathroom doors so that he would be contained to the (safe) common area, and dozed on the couch until 3 as he played. I took another 5 mg of adderall, cleaned up a bit, and waited until my husband got home. When he got home, I started researching molly.
Well, fuck. I realize now that I was not mentally, emotionally, or physically prepared for a roll; I stupidly didn't think I would even be rolling. When my friend said I'd melt into the couch, I thought he meant figuratively (like, relax), not literally feel like I was melting into the couch. N00b move, I know.
So it's now Tuesday. Although I feel better than I did yesterday, I still feel exhausted. I haven't eaten much, am still taking the adderall (which is making me nauseated at the moment). Having read a million message boards, I understand the science behind what it going on. But I haven't found anyone posting about the experience I had because, well, I don't think anyone is as dumb as me, to go into this completely blind.
My question is, as best I can ask: my brain dumped all my serotonin and dopamine, but I sure didn't get a lick of pleasure out of it. I just panicked. Will my recovery time take longer than a usual first-timer, because it was an anxiety-ridden experience?
Halp. I need to be operating on all cylinders and although my mind doesn't feel fuzzy, physically, I am wrecked.
I'm early 30s; have a 2 year old child; a stressful job. In my younger days, I enjoyed marijuana, cocaine, the occasional shroom trip, binge drinking, and had a pretty nasty 4 year addiction to painkillers. I've been a heavy smoker since about 18.
I kicked the painkiller habit in 2007 before going to grad school. Stuck with only marijuana throughout grad school, have since tapered down to intermittent use (if it's available, I'll smoke it, but I don't seek it out). Rarely drink, but still a heavy smoker. I'm not prescribed adderall, but get it from a very dear friend and take less than 20 mg per day (though I have grown pretty dependent on it in the last 6 months).
Last time I picked up adderall, my dear friend offered to sell me a capsule of molly. I knew very little about it and had no interest, so I declined. He gave it to me to try anyway, and said it only lasts 3 hours and "I'd just melt into the couch" and have a great night. I've known him for 15+ years and the bulk of my partying days were spent with him. He's a professional drug abuser and I trust him in that arena, but I was hesitant about the molly. I've put on weight with age, I smoke, I stress about my job all the time, I don't sleep enough, I eat like shit, and I don't exercise, and I think I'm more sensitive to amphetamines than the average bear. In sum, I am quite unhealthy. I put the capsule away when I got home and gave it little thought.
This past Sunday, at about 11pm, I was stressed to the hilt and trying to get some work done before the week started. I confided in my husband that I was actually in over my head at work, had a little cry, and told him I had some molly that I was considering taking to relax. (I have Mondays off so I can spend time with my son.) I had taken 20 mg of adderall throughout the day, and "melting into the couch" sounded like a great idea. My husband knew even less about molly than I did. We were both hesitant because I am pretty unhealthy, but we talked about it and ended up at: "Fuck it, do it."
I took the capsule (on an empty stomach). Finished up some more work and within the hour, was feeling pretty good and loose. I thought, "Okay, this wasn't bad." I decided to lay down and browse reddit, as usual, before dozing off.
About 30 minutes later I started feeling nauseated and got up to get something to drink. Then it hit me. Everything was spinning and out of control. I started to PANIC. I hadn't done my research and I didn't think it would be like that; I thought it would be like, I don't know, xanax and alcohol. My first instinct was to try and throw it up but I knew it was too late. I had hopped on this train and there was no turning back.
I knew I had to anchor myself and calm down. I told myself I was not going to die, that it would only last a few hours, and I would be fine. I laid as still as possible and tried to clear my head of negative thoughts. A few hours later, I was able to go outside for a smoke. I made it halfway through my cigarette and threw up. I fell asleep pretty quickly after that, because I was so emotionally drained.
I felt horrible when I woke up on Monday. I was SO fatigued, which I rarely am (thanks to the motivator of stress and adderall). I took my usual dose of adderall at 10:30, hoping to snap out of it, but was napping with my son by 11:30. He woke up at 1:00 and I drug myself out of bed, only to feed him a quick lunch, lock all bedroom / bathroom doors so that he would be contained to the (safe) common area, and dozed on the couch until 3 as he played. I took another 5 mg of adderall, cleaned up a bit, and waited until my husband got home. When he got home, I started researching molly.
Well, fuck. I realize now that I was not mentally, emotionally, or physically prepared for a roll; I stupidly didn't think I would even be rolling. When my friend said I'd melt into the couch, I thought he meant figuratively (like, relax), not literally feel like I was melting into the couch. N00b move, I know.
So it's now Tuesday. Although I feel better than I did yesterday, I still feel exhausted. I haven't eaten much, am still taking the adderall (which is making me nauseated at the moment). Having read a million message boards, I understand the science behind what it going on. But I haven't found anyone posting about the experience I had because, well, I don't think anyone is as dumb as me, to go into this completely blind.
My question is, as best I can ask: my brain dumped all my serotonin and dopamine, but I sure didn't get a lick of pleasure out of it. I just panicked. Will my recovery time take longer than a usual first-timer, because it was an anxiety-ridden experience?
Halp. I need to be operating on all cylinders and although my mind doesn't feel fuzzy, physically, I am wrecked.
