Hooking Up With A Guy As A Guy At 30

[LandsUnknown]

I'm a 30-year-old guy who had one sexual experience with another guy, years ago. Aside from this one drunken experience years ago, I'm still completely inexperienced. Truthfully, my memory of this is quite hazy as I was rather inebriated. Not only was this due to the fact that I was drunk, but I was rather shocked at what I had done as I was in denial to myself regarding my sexuality. I had suspicions and thoughts that I could be gay throughout my life prior to this. However, I was deathly afraid of the idea of being gay. As a result, I kind of shoved my memory of the experience to the back of (and out of) my mind as best as possible. Though, as I have gotten older, I've come to understand that being this way is my true nature and there's nothing wrong with it.

Growing up, I felt that the only acceptable and right way to be was straight. So, I pretty much suppressed my gay-ness successfully. In a sense, I even thought I was "attracted to" women. However, when it comes down to it, this really was not exactly the case. For one thing, I never really had any "success" as I saw it. When I did, the experience was, well, very underwhelming and not really much of an experience at all. I couldn't even perform whatsoever for one thing and wasn't really interested in or turned on by the experience. I didn't really even react. Also, my overall manner sexually is quite submissive, which also played a role in why I didn't and couldn't react like a typical guy sexually.

So, unfortunately, I've never really had a proper experience (e.g. one where I'm not completely shitfaced, nearly blacked out drunk). However, I'd like to and hopefully sooner rather than later. I'm quite submissive/feminine sexually, but I've unfortunately never had the experience of being properly fucked. Though, I'm very much looking forward to it Hopefully, I haven't missed the boat at 30.

 

[CFC]

No, 30 isn't too old to 'start'. However I recommend NOT using the gay apps to meet guys who might be interested. Maybe try meetup.com interest groups, or helping out with some of your local gay/fflag type charities and organizations, or literally any IRL type activity. Online stuff can be a bit brutal and blunt and might leave you with a very skewed and maybe even traumatized impression of what you're getting yourself in to. Which might not be the best way to build confidence considering where you're at.

 

[basuraeuropea]

hi! this is my first post here after lurking for years.

i'm in a slightly situation but i was sexually active in during my late teens through my mid- to late 20s and then i wasn't. i'm 37 now and putting myself back out there. the celibacy wasn't voluntary but the result of several psych drugs that i was taking for far too long without a compensatory medication found; i'm not able to function in general unmedicated.

anyhow, i'm going to echo cfc by reinforcing that 30 is far from too old. also, yeah, grindr can be brutal, first time or not. i don't use grindr at all and if you're intent on finding dates or friends, hinge is great. tinder is great-ish, the bio section is small but the amount of people on the app is immense; bumble is great depending on which city you're in; and okcupid is super comprehensive but it's fallen off the map lately with regard to its gay user base.

match and zoosk seem to be targeted at an older demographic and eharmony puts up with us but only because they have to.

i'd also suggest trying to meet guys organically, but realize this is a challenge many gay guys face depending on where they're located in the world. meetup.org is a great place to start, so are gay sports/games/chorus/etc. organizations in any large, liberal city.

all in all, go for it, but know that hookup and dating apps can be brutal. bars and clubs vary and are either your thing or they aren't; some can be super meat market-y as well. coffee shops and bookstores frequented by gay men are great places to hang out. good luck!

 

[CFC]

hi! this is my first post here after lurking for years

Great first post. Welcome to BL!

 

[basuraeuropea]

Great first post. Welcome to BL!

thank you for the warm welcome!

 

[LandsUnknown]

When I'm meeting someone, should I say that they're my first? I mean it's not entirely true, but it isn't entirely a lie either (previously I just sucked jerked/sucked a guy off). Thoughts?

 

[basuraeuropea]

hm. if i were you and it were my first time doing anal, then yeah, i'd mention it, but don't make yourself sound like the 40 y/o virgin -- you do have some experience with a guy.

 

[PIAO!!PIAO!!]

When I'm meeting someone, should I say that they're my first? I mean it's not entirely true, but it isn't entirely a lie either (previously I just sucked jerked/sucked a guy off). Thoughts?

I think the answer to that depends a lot on what kind of person/experience/potential repeat meetings you might be interested in. And also on the way you met the person.

For example if you first strike up a friendship with a man in a real life social context the way @CFC recommends and then go to bed with him ‘cause you both seem to kinda like each other as people as much as you desire each other as hot cocks then I’d go for total honesty even if you think you only want to do him once.

On the other hand, as @Joey can probably testify, there are plenty of random Grindr psychos out there getting kicks mindfucking inexperienced/innocent/romantic/confused/questioning/curious men who maybe think they might like sex with men even more than they enjoy assfucking them.

 

[Joey]

I think the answer to that depends a lot on what kind of person/experience/potential repeat meetings you might be interested in. And also on the way you met the person.

For example if you first strike up a friendship with a man in a real life social context the way @CFC recommends and then go to bed with him ‘cause you both seem to kinda like each other as people as much as you desire each other as hot cocks then I’d go for total honesty even if you think you only want to do him once.

On the other hand, as @Joey can probably testify, there are plenty of random Grindr psychos out there getting kicks mindfucking inexperienced/innocent/romantic/confused/questioning/curious men who maybe think they might like sex with men even more than they enjoy assfucking them.

Grindr has a fairly large population of men who are there as already having wives. Men who are closeated. There'd rampant issues with the broad array of insecurities which run abound.

 

[PIAO!!PIAO!!]

Grindr has a fairly large population of men who are there as already having wives. Men who are closeated. There'd rampant issues with the broad array of insecurities which run abound.

There is a longtime stereotype kind of straight guy who claims he can turn lesbians straight. But not so many in real life I think.

On the other hand I think there are heaps of gay guys who‘s favourite recreational activity is seducing a previously 100 % straight guy knowing full well that the straight guy will be disturbed, discombobulated, distressed, self-disgusted or otherwise generally regretful later that night when we gets home and slips into bed trying not to wake his sleeping wife.

 

[Joey]

There is a longtime stereotype kind of straight guy who claims he can turn lesbians straight. But not so many in real life I think.

On the other hand I think there are heaps of gay guys who‘s favourite recreational activity is seducing a previously 100 % straight guy knowing full well that the straight guy will be disturbed, discombobulated, distressed, self-disgusted or otherwise generally regretful later that night when we gets home and slips into bed trying not to wake his sleeping wife.

I really do wonder what it’s like for them. When it gets to the wives level.

I can share a story. I agreed to get into a relationship with a man. I knew he was fucking around a lot so I did that myself. Twice.

Well, I found about 20 on his phone. Chats start to finish to meet, etc. I still got upset! I’m a 10 cheater / 90 cheater on his end.

Anyway, we decided to keep things open ended from there and we continued for quite awhile, sometimes we would meet people together.

Ever since then I’ve been pretty strictly on the poly end of things.

 

[Eligiu]

I'm a trans guy who occasionally uses Grindr to hook up, though I try to avoid it because it's full of predators who like to exploit vulnerable young or naive people (I would include myself in this due to disability, but that's my responsibility to keep myself off there and something I do try to do).

Generally speaking, I tend to only agree to hook up with a guy (and I am talking anal, I don't do anything but that for my enjoyment) if I can get a clear gauge on their type of personality.

This means - avoiding people who won't send you a picture of their face, or won't give proof they are who they say they are, avoiding discreet guys, because as a trans guy they often search me out because it's 'not gay' to them to fuck me (you're fucking someone who looks like a cis guy (almost completely) in the butt, if you can't see anything in front, that's about as gay as you can get my dudes), avoiding 'straight' guys (for me) and avoiding chasers (for me - guys who fetishise trans men).

I would definitely tell the person you are new to it. Don't have to mention it's your first time. But I have had plenty of cis gay men tell me I am the first trans guy they have hooked up with and they tend to say it because they want to know if I'm comfortable with that, to which I reply my only real rules are don't touch anything I have stated I'm uncomfortable with being touched, and if they don't want to continue when we've started tell me straight away so we can stop and just chill out and I'll give them a drink or whatever if they want to hang around. I've had some of those guys want to date me, after doing it the first time. I've had others be regular hook ups. I've had others it didn't work out with but we are good friends.

I have also been raped a fair few times by men off Grindr, though. So if that gives you anything to go by, to put it mildly some of the people there do not have any kind of form grasp on how consent works.

I would definitely avoid anyone with anything approaching a larger dick, too, if you're going to bottom. Try for someone smaller before you work your way up to that. And tell them from the start because you're new to it, that you need them to spend a decent amount of time getting you ready for sex and not just thinking one finger is sufficient.

Don't do it while you're high. Too much margin for error, can make you be careless.

If you're going to start messing round with men, I suggest you ask your doctor to put you on PrEP which is 'pre exposure prophylaxis' and a drug which essentially reduces the rate of HIV transmission to nil if taken properly. Don't rely on the other person taking theirs properly. It's better to be on your own regiment. Especially as a bottom. As a top, less relevant. Verse, also relevant.

Important* PrEP does NOT stop the transmission of STDs. You cannot just go round raw dogging all the time cause you take it an expect to not get sick. You should get tested every 3 months on it, but personally if I ever am in the situation I have unprotected sex, I go get tested the following week to make sure. But I'm sort of 'anal' (lmao) about not getting sick cause it's awful when it happens fwiw. But yeah. Don't trust a guy saying he's clean cause he's on PrEP if he got tested 2 months ago, horndogs on Grindr might fuck 20 other guys during that time.

Have fun!

 

[PIAO!!PIAO!!]

Don't do it while you're high. Too much margin for error, can make you be careless.

If you're going to start messing round with men, I suggest you ask your doctor to put you on PrEP which is 'pre exposure prophylaxis' and a drug which essentially reduces the rate of HIV transmission to nil if taken properly. Don't rely on the other person taking theirs properly. It's better to be on your own regiment. Especially as a bottom. As a top, less relevant. Verse, also relevant.

Important* PrEP does NOT stop the transmission of STDs. You cannot just go round raw dogging all the time cause you take it an expect to not get sick. You should get tested every 3 months on it, but personally if I ever am in the situation I have unprotected sex, I go get tested the following week to make sure. But I'm sort of 'anal' (lmao) about not getting sick cause it's awful when it happens fwiw. But yeah. Don't trust a guy saying he's clean cause he's on PrEP if he got tested 2 months ago, horndogs on Grindr might fuck 20 other guys during that time.

Have fun!

This publication worth reading for all dicked or dickless persons thinking about mixing sex and drugs.

https://tweaker.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Chemsex-First-Aid-action-sheet.pdf

Personally I think penetrative sex is entirely over-rated and a barrier to higher order pleasures for dicked persons who spend too much time thinking about their dicks. That said, I’ve also been surprised by the entirely unexpected places in one’s body Gonorrhoea can find a comfy and near undetectable home in even when dicks haven’t been dusted off and allowed to join the party for months.