Mikewashere
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2017
- Messages
- 9
So I've posted before but this is my first thread. So I've been on opiates for 7 yrs, started on pain pills after I got hurt, then got a new doctor who was against opiates. I guess especially mine. I had fentynl patches, opanas, dilauted, and of course oxys. But he thought it smart to take them away without a taper. So I go and find pills on the street but then they get expensive, sooo..... I hopped on the h train, and haven't gotten off. But I have tried maNY different methods of opiate detox and they all worked I just have problems staying clean, or sober or nether really since I like cannabis, alot.
But I don't want this lifestyle anymore. I'm tired of the run a round. Get h use h wd from h, repeat. Ugh. Its not worth it anymore, there has got to be something better to look forward too. So now I'm looking at home detox, with kratom,thc, Loperamide and then suboxone for a few day after the wds to keep me from 1. Fiending/using 2. Being able to get high 3. As a little safety net.
Or go back on methadone. I made a pro/con sheet for methadone cause I have major issues with prolonged maintenance programs. But the pros greatly outweigh the cons. My main issues with it is I don't wanna just swap out the drug and I become very paranoid. And the methadone clinic I go to is 1hr away. so that's alot of hella early wakeups. And the weather system I live on and the one the clinic is in is different. It'll snow 6-8" at my house but be fine at the clinic and I'm scared I'll miss a dose or something. And one thing that got me paranoid last time was I was on the program for like 6 mnths hadn't had a dirty piss is like 4 months and had been on a stable dose for about 5 months. I was on a low dose, it worked for me. But when I wanted to decrease my dose or when I started to talk about starting a taper. Oh no! I "need" to stay on longer or I am showing drug seeking behavior! What! Really? Or is it really the fact that they want to keep us on a maintenance program so we stayed numb of life and keep coming back cuz were scared to wd, oh and I forgot about the huge check these places get for each one of us that get "treated" but even with a few of those cons the pros still are greater. So I already know what my choice should be at this point in my life. But I still would like to know what others think.
But anyways I lost both my legs so there's physical pain and all the trauma I've gone thru cuz of losing my legs, brings alot of mental health issues that I try to ignore or deny. And now that imma amputee everyone and there fucking dog stops to stare at me cuz I'm either in my prosthetics, that look a little different than normal legs and feet, or in my wheelchair, where I will always look different. So everytime people look at me I think they are plotting against me to finish the job the taliban couldnt. Then just regular depression and anxiety, about just going into a store for food or whatever. When I use, none of that matter anymore. I could care less. But I think that's why I keep messing up in recovery. I need to address the underlying problem which is my mental health.
Every time I look at myself all I see is a junkie who made every decision in life, wrong! Cuz thats what I see, a junkie, a soulless, thing, just waiting to die and hoping it come soon cuz I know my family will get my life insurance and all the money I got saved up. And that would be better than dealing with me, worrying about me every day hoping they don't find me dead. Wouldnt it just be easier if I did it and got it over with. I mean what do I really have to offer society anymore?? I don't know, besides draining the system for money and resources that could go to something or someone more worthwhile. Everything I do has to do with heroin. I know I shouldn't think like this, but what else should I think when I see the life I live, the people I associate with. And just my general health, like skin, personal hygiene, my eating habits. Usually I'm a health conscious person but now I could care less. I guess I just wanted to vent and see what people think about the opinions I picked. And maybe add some of your own thanks.
We all have a greater chance, if we help each other.
Thanks,
Mic.
But I don't want this lifestyle anymore. I'm tired of the run a round. Get h use h wd from h, repeat. Ugh. Its not worth it anymore, there has got to be something better to look forward too. So now I'm looking at home detox, with kratom,thc, Loperamide and then suboxone for a few day after the wds to keep me from 1. Fiending/using 2. Being able to get high 3. As a little safety net.
Or go back on methadone. I made a pro/con sheet for methadone cause I have major issues with prolonged maintenance programs. But the pros greatly outweigh the cons. My main issues with it is I don't wanna just swap out the drug and I become very paranoid. And the methadone clinic I go to is 1hr away. so that's alot of hella early wakeups. And the weather system I live on and the one the clinic is in is different. It'll snow 6-8" at my house but be fine at the clinic and I'm scared I'll miss a dose or something. And one thing that got me paranoid last time was I was on the program for like 6 mnths hadn't had a dirty piss is like 4 months and had been on a stable dose for about 5 months. I was on a low dose, it worked for me. But when I wanted to decrease my dose or when I started to talk about starting a taper. Oh no! I "need" to stay on longer or I am showing drug seeking behavior! What! Really? Or is it really the fact that they want to keep us on a maintenance program so we stayed numb of life and keep coming back cuz were scared to wd, oh and I forgot about the huge check these places get for each one of us that get "treated" but even with a few of those cons the pros still are greater. So I already know what my choice should be at this point in my life. But I still would like to know what others think.
But anyways I lost both my legs so there's physical pain and all the trauma I've gone thru cuz of losing my legs, brings alot of mental health issues that I try to ignore or deny. And now that imma amputee everyone and there fucking dog stops to stare at me cuz I'm either in my prosthetics, that look a little different than normal legs and feet, or in my wheelchair, where I will always look different. So everytime people look at me I think they are plotting against me to finish the job the taliban couldnt. Then just regular depression and anxiety, about just going into a store for food or whatever. When I use, none of that matter anymore. I could care less. But I think that's why I keep messing up in recovery. I need to address the underlying problem which is my mental health.
Every time I look at myself all I see is a junkie who made every decision in life, wrong! Cuz thats what I see, a junkie, a soulless, thing, just waiting to die and hoping it come soon cuz I know my family will get my life insurance and all the money I got saved up. And that would be better than dealing with me, worrying about me every day hoping they don't find me dead. Wouldnt it just be easier if I did it and got it over with. I mean what do I really have to offer society anymore?? I don't know, besides draining the system for money and resources that could go to something or someone more worthwhile. Everything I do has to do with heroin. I know I shouldn't think like this, but what else should I think when I see the life I live, the people I associate with. And just my general health, like skin, personal hygiene, my eating habits. Usually I'm a health conscious person but now I could care less. I guess I just wanted to vent and see what people think about the opinions I picked. And maybe add some of your own thanks.
We all have a greater chance, if we help each other.
Thanks,
Mic.
