Little back story and please refrain from judgment i just think this is something you need to know to really give me your opinion on him. I recently found that my boyfriend responds to craigslist ads there are no conversations he just responds and thats it.i confronted him and he was crying and i knew he felt bad for hurting me but i didnt give myself enough time to process it before this talk so i approached it wrong and after this talk i still had questions and was still just as hurt and confused and brought it up again this time more serious but also less acting on emotion and more having a serious discussion.
This time i think it really hit him because i said it was done we couldnt fix it. He agreed and apologized for the pain, he also begin assuring me that it was about me and that it wasnt about meeting these people it was sort of like a fantasy escape when hes alone with his thoughts. And that he has an issue that he cant forgive himself for walking out on a relationship that took away his chance at being with his son 100%. Now this has nothing to do with the girl purely him being upset that another guy gets to put his son to bed and so on.and the guilt is what he needs to escape from. i told him i needed time to myself and he agreed he would try counseling (although it something he does not believe in at all) because he really does love me.
Im usually clingy so i guess at that point when i didnt talk to him all night it really hit him and he wanted to see me the next day i agreed to come for a little bit with boundaries . Once i got there is seemed to be really drunk he plopped down on the bed and just started saying sorry a bunch of times. And that nearly losing me made him have to face things he doesnt want to face in himself. Then he got talking and crying on how his son doesnt call him dad and how he sees the guy lifting his son up as soon as he drops him off and it kills him telling me how his ex moved on two weeks after their breakup and started telling him how good her new guy is with his son. He said i probably just thought of him as this big jerk for what he was doing to me and how i dont understand that it isnt about fucking other girls or me not making him happy its about him having to do something so he isnt alone with his thoughts. Then i started to ask him if he wants to stop doing these things he said maybe now that i know maybe i can understand and help because he hasnt told any of this to anyone not even his family. He said that he has all these feelings for me but he cant tell them to me because then i can hold it against him i can throw it back at him if we fight i can hurt him. He said he needs to ask himself if his fear of being "weak" to me by sharing his feelings is stronger than the love he has for me. Then i guess things occurred to him and he said that we need to break up now because i saw him being vulnerable and im going to use it against him i tried assuring him that im not evil i dont try to break people down but he had his mind made up but he didnt walk away he told me he loved me and didnt want to lose this.
Now asking the guys how do i help him because since then hes actually brought up that i know this stuff saying things like" things wont be different now that you know all this stuff about me" or " i hate that you sit there thinking you have me all figured out now" (although this seems bad i think its good that he acknowledges i know this yet doesnt walk out )i dont really have him figured out but truth is it doesnt matter what i say he told me we dont need couples counseling but he needs it hes just to pridefull to get it.
At this point im not sure what to do i know i probably shouldnt bring these things up myself to him and let him come out when hes ready but im worried that then he wont progress that he wont open up to me and i need him to at some point because right now its a hard time for me too to feel secure and good but i dont wanna push him and make him close up again so how do i make him feel safe with me how do i help him continue what he started by opening up a bit because i know the alcohol helped but he started telling me before he was drunk so there is something there something tells him to feel safe also i dont know if im being stupid by allowing myself to stay knowing what he has done but i believe in him and that he wants to change this and so i guess im taking the risk because no matter what ill be fine eventually and those feelings hes keeping from me is love that i deserve and i think its worth the try. Ive already seen some progress he been wanting to see me more often and actually did a very thoughtful gift for valentines day so i see alot of good signs here which tell me im on the right path but im still very confued by him and worried ill make him close off again please give me a guys point of view on what i can do.
This time i think it really hit him because i said it was done we couldnt fix it. He agreed and apologized for the pain, he also begin assuring me that it was about me and that it wasnt about meeting these people it was sort of like a fantasy escape when hes alone with his thoughts. And that he has an issue that he cant forgive himself for walking out on a relationship that took away his chance at being with his son 100%. Now this has nothing to do with the girl purely him being upset that another guy gets to put his son to bed and so on.and the guilt is what he needs to escape from. i told him i needed time to myself and he agreed he would try counseling (although it something he does not believe in at all) because he really does love me.
Im usually clingy so i guess at that point when i didnt talk to him all night it really hit him and he wanted to see me the next day i agreed to come for a little bit with boundaries . Once i got there is seemed to be really drunk he plopped down on the bed and just started saying sorry a bunch of times. And that nearly losing me made him have to face things he doesnt want to face in himself. Then he got talking and crying on how his son doesnt call him dad and how he sees the guy lifting his son up as soon as he drops him off and it kills him telling me how his ex moved on two weeks after their breakup and started telling him how good her new guy is with his son. He said i probably just thought of him as this big jerk for what he was doing to me and how i dont understand that it isnt about fucking other girls or me not making him happy its about him having to do something so he isnt alone with his thoughts. Then i started to ask him if he wants to stop doing these things he said maybe now that i know maybe i can understand and help because he hasnt told any of this to anyone not even his family. He said that he has all these feelings for me but he cant tell them to me because then i can hold it against him i can throw it back at him if we fight i can hurt him. He said he needs to ask himself if his fear of being "weak" to me by sharing his feelings is stronger than the love he has for me. Then i guess things occurred to him and he said that we need to break up now because i saw him being vulnerable and im going to use it against him i tried assuring him that im not evil i dont try to break people down but he had his mind made up but he didnt walk away he told me he loved me and didnt want to lose this.
Now asking the guys how do i help him because since then hes actually brought up that i know this stuff saying things like" things wont be different now that you know all this stuff about me" or " i hate that you sit there thinking you have me all figured out now" (although this seems bad i think its good that he acknowledges i know this yet doesnt walk out )i dont really have him figured out but truth is it doesnt matter what i say he told me we dont need couples counseling but he needs it hes just to pridefull to get it.
At this point im not sure what to do i know i probably shouldnt bring these things up myself to him and let him come out when hes ready but im worried that then he wont progress that he wont open up to me and i need him to at some point because right now its a hard time for me too to feel secure and good but i dont wanna push him and make him close up again so how do i make him feel safe with me how do i help him continue what he started by opening up a bit because i know the alcohol helped but he started telling me before he was drunk so there is something there something tells him to feel safe also i dont know if im being stupid by allowing myself to stay knowing what he has done but i believe in him and that he wants to change this and so i guess im taking the risk because no matter what ill be fine eventually and those feelings hes keeping from me is love that i deserve and i think its worth the try. Ive already seen some progress he been wanting to see me more often and actually did a very thoughtful gift for valentines day so i see alot of good signs here which tell me im on the right path but im still very confued by him and worried ill make him close off again please give me a guys point of view on what i can do.
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