Hopeless Help

[S-Dog]

I don't know what to do or why anyone would give the smallest fuck but I'm at the lowest I've ever been and I'm terrified I'll only sink lowered.

My parents left me alone since i was 12. Every friend I've ever had has fucked me over. The only relationship I've ever had (13 years) decided his sexual freedom was more important. My therapist fucked me. I can't find a job. Everything I've put real time and effort into has blown up in my face. I'm 30 and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I’ve never even had a real job. Even the number of people i’ve had sex with is just two.

I feel completely worthless. I'm at the end of my rope and have no support system. I dumped 13 years of my life into someone who chose sex over me.

I have no self worth and I'm not convinced I can pull myself together this time.

The only place I can turn is two online friends and a drug forum. The only future I see for myself is loneliness and death.

This is all I have.

Please help. I'm sorry if this is too much but maybe one person knows what to say

 

[arrall]

SLR -> TDS
I'm gonna move this to TDS so that you get some better and more serious responses.

I'll write a response in a min.

 

[S-Dog]

SLR -> TDS
I'm gonna move this to TDS so that you get some better and more serious responses.

I'll write a response in a min.

I don't know what tds is

 

[arrall]

I don't know what tds is

'The Dark Side', our support forum for those who are struggling with mental health, life, addiction, etc.

Initially, my first suggestion was that you should seek out professional help from a mental health professional specializing in trauma as any one of the situations you described (having a partner leave you for allegedly superfluous reasons, having parents abandon you as a child, feeling lonely and worthless) would warrant getting professional help, let alone the three of them combined. Those of us on the forums are obviously here to support you, but this does sound like you deserve help and support that is beyond the qualifications of some former/current substance users on a peer support harm reduction forum. But then I realized that you mentioned a bad experience with a therapist. So I'll try my best to give you some advice regardless. If you are not comfortable finding a new therapist and/or unable to afford it, then that is completely understandable.

Generally when you seem lost in life, the best thing to do is to find something to add structure to it. Do you have any hobbies? Interests? Skills that you can work on in order to help you find a job? Maybe something you were once interested in but never pursued that would be a useful job skill? Are there any real life or online support groups with weekly meetings that you could join? Even a group for a hobby or interest you have would be great. You're in a really tough spot, and providing some support and structure to your life that gets you out of the house interacting with people instead of thinking about everything you are dealing with will help.

I'm happy to send you some YouTube videos on therapeutic journaling exercises and whatnot that have worked for me if you are interested, but that alone probably won't fix things for you. Things like exercise or meditation would probably help, but in a situation like yours where so many things in your life have fallen apart for you there is only so much you can do without first repairing everything.

Let me know if anything from what I've said sounds like it would help and I can elaborate from there. I'm very tired rn and haven't had more than a few hours straight of sleep in days, so I apologize if this wasn't as helpful as I'd like it to be.

 

[S-Dog]

'The Dark Side', our support forum for those who are struggling with mental health, life, addiction, etc.

Initially, my first suggestion was that you should seek out professional help from a mental health professional specializing in trauma as any one of the situations you described (having a partner leave you for allegedly superfluous reasons, having parents abandon you as a child, feeling lonely and worthless) would warrant getting professional help, let alone the three of them combined. Those of us on the forums are obviously here to support you, but this does sound like you deserve help and support that is beyond the qualifications of some former/current substance users on a peer support harm reduction forum. But then I realized that you mentioned a bad experience with a therapist. So I'll try my best to give you some advice regardless. If you are not comfortable finding a new therapist and/or unable to afford it, then that is completely understandable.

Generally when you seem lost in life, the best thing to do is to find something to add structure to it. Do you have any hobbies? Interests? Skills that you can work on in order to help you find a job? Maybe something you were once interested in but never pursued that would be a useful job skill? Are there any real life or online support groups with weekly meetings that you could join? Even a group for a hobby or interest you have would be great. You're in a really tough spot, and providing some support and structure to your life that gets you out of the house interacting with people instead of thinking about everything you are dealing with will help.

I'm happy to send you some YouTube videos on therapeutic journaling exercises and whatnot that have worked for me if you are interested, but that alone probably won't fix things for you. Things like exercise or meditation would probably help, but in a situation like yours where so many things in your life have fallen apart for you there is only so much you can do without first repairing everything.

Let me know if anything from what I've said sounds like it would help and I can elaborate from there. I'm very tired rn and haven't had more than a few hours straight of sleep in days, so I apologize if this wasn't as helpful as I'd like it to be.

my hobbies are photography, filmmaking, writing and bass playing and all of them them contributed to where I am. I don't find comfort in them anymore

 

[arrall]

my hobbies are photography, filmmaking, writing and bass playing and all of them them contributed to where I am. I don't find comfort in them anymore

All of those are great hobbies (which with the exception of filmmaking I share) and writing can be an excellent outlet when you are struggling.
I find photography to be great at getting me out of the house and on various adventures with friends to places to get good photos.
Why do you feel that they contributed to where you are now, and why do you think you no longer find comfort in them?

 

[S-Dog]

All of those are great hobbies (which with the exception of filmmaking I share) and writing can be an excellent outlet when you are struggling.
I find photography to be great at getting me out of the house and on various adventures with friends to places to get good photos.
Why do you feel that they contributed to where you are now, and why do you think you no longer find comfort in them?

at one point or another, they where all supposed to be a career and every one of them blew up in my face. I spent too much time trying to make any of them work and they never did. now they're all reminders of my failure and of him

 

[arrall]

at one point or another, they where all supposed to be a career and every one of them blew up in my face. I spent too much time trying to make any of them work and they never did. now they're all reminders of my failure and of him

Fair enough. I will say that photography is the only one of those where it seems like a significant percentage of people can succeed in at least making it into a side gig, but if they all have that association then you need to either find a way to remove that association from your mind or choose some new hobbies.

 

[Nas47]

I don't know what to do or why anyone would give the smallest fuck but I'm at the lowest I've ever been and I'm terrified I'll only sink lowered.

My parents left me alone since i was 12. Every friend I've ever had has fucked me over. The only relationship I've ever had (13 years) decided his sexual freedom was more important. My therapist fucked me. I can't find a job. Everything I've put real time and effort into has blown up in my face. I'm 30 and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I’ve never even had a real job. Even the number of people i’ve had sex with is just two.

I feel completely worthless. I'm at the end of my rope and have no support system. I dumped 13 years of my life into someone who chose sex over me.

I have no self worth and I'm not convinced I can pull myself together this time.

The only place I can turn is two online friends and a drug forum. The only future I see for myself is loneliness and death.

This is all I have.

Please help. I'm sorry if this is too much but maybe one person knows what to say

I feel you.don't know what to suggest,but here's a people who could advice&care i hope.Still young.Must walk a longer way.Keep sticking and relax for now.love

 

[Jerry Atrick]

my hobbies are photography, filmmaking, writing and bass playing and all of them them contributed to where I am. I don't find comfort in them anymore

Hi @S-Dog, I'm really sorry you have had so many bad experiences. I will echo what @arrall said about finding a different therapist. I have had some shitty therapists in my time as well. My best therapist was at a Christian clinic (I'm atheist) and she helped guide me in the right direction with my songwriting that allowed me to be inspired to write roughly 50+ songs just from the horrible feelings I had after my fiancee passed in a car wreck.

I noticed you like writing and bass playing. Have you ever tried combining the two to write songs? Singing/songwriting bass players do exist, Roger Waters and Les Claypool are just two off the top of my head. Not that it would help you with a career or your finances but it could add some of the structure arrall was talking about and give you enough fulfillment that you may no longer feel life is meaningless.

As for jobs, what kind of job experience do you have? How are you supporting yourself now? I know you said you've never had a "real" job but have you ever worked anywhere? The reason I ask these questions if because maybe I or someone else here can help with the translation of menial jobs into job skills that recruiters look for in higher paying skilled jobs. I also recommend posting some of your employment concerns in the Education & Careers subforum. Link below:

Education & Careers

Discussion and advice on the topics of education and career goals.

bluelight.org

 

[AbbeyLee]

my hobbies are photography, filmmaking, writing and bass playing and all of them them contributed to where I am. I don't find comfort in them anymore

Hey,

Bass playing caught my attention. My brother played bass for about 20 years -- he died at 33yo in 2014. Please don't think I'm implying anything by telling you that.. It's just the age you are and the bass

I don't really know what to suggest. Maybe check out Jordan Peterson if you haven't..




All the best,

Abbey xx

 

[S-Dog]

Hey,

Bass playing caught my attention. My brother played bass for about 20 years -- he died at 33yo in 2014. Please don't think I'm implying anything by telling you that.. It's just the age you are and the bass

I don't really know what to suggest. Maybe check out Jordan Peterson if you haven't..




All the best,

Abbey xx

I like Peterson quite a bit but his self help stuff has never spoken to me.

I'm sorry to hear about your brother.

 

[AbbeyLee]

I like Peterson quite a bit but his self help stuff has never spoken to me.

I'm sorry to hear about your brother.

Thanks He loved the bass and played in a band. His first influence was Les Claypool, then Flea. I have a theory he comes back to listen to music.

That's cool, JP is too dramatic and emotional for a lot of people. He's helped me but I'm still cleaning my room (and failing) after 4 years heh.

Take it easy

 

[S-Dog]

Hi @S-Dog, I'm really sorry you have had so many bad experiences. I will echo what @arrall said about finding a different therapist. I have had some shitty therapists in my time as well. My best therapist was at a Christian clinic (I'm atheist) and she helped guide me in the right direction with my songwriting that allowed me to be inspired to write roughly 50+ songs just from the horrible feelings I had after my fiancee passed in a car wreck.

I noticed you like writing and bass playing. Have you ever tried combining the two to write songs? Singing/songwriting bass players do exist, Roger Waters and Les Claypool are just two off the top of my head. Not that it would help you with a career or your finances but it could add some of the structure arrall was talking about and give you enough fulfillment that you may no longer feel life is meaningless.

As for jobs, what kind of job experience do you have? How are you supporting yourself now? I know you said you've never had a "real" job but have you ever worked anywhere? The reason I ask these questions if because maybe I or someone else here can help with the translation of menial jobs into job skills that recruiters look for in higher paying skilled jobs. I also recommend posting some of your employment concerns in the Education & Careers subforum. Link below:

Education & Careers

Discussion and advice on the topics of education and career goals.

bluelight.org

I've tried writing songs. Actually, i've been pretty desperate to write songs but I just can't seem to make it happen. I'm self taught and never had anyone to play with so I'm missing a lot of information and experience. No matter what I do, I just can't structure a complete song or make lyrics fit. I have endless reaper projects and they all amount to little more than a progression that I can't figure out how to build on or play over.

My work experience and how i'm supporting myself is sort of a long, pathetic and deeply embarrassing story. Don't worry, not doing anything illegal or dangerous and I do have a roof over my head but finding a job has been difficult

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

What drugs are you into these days? Reason why I ask is because almost without fail when I get to a low in my life it can and has been attributed to a sudden quitting of a med or drug. Some can cause some hellacious thought patterns that resembel what you are going through.
How long have you been in this depressive state? We all will have our ups and downs. This is natural. Its when these highs and lows are extreme (and we use drugs) that we may need to step back and try to figure out the cause. Some have severe imbalances from birth and need medical help to try to find a "balance" of sorts. These are a different subject and do not fit in with my musings of self examination and possible remediation of mental issues.

 

[S-Dog]

What drugs are you into these days? Reason why I ask is because almost without fail when I get to a low in my life it can and has been attributed to a sudden quitting of a med or drug. Some can cause some hellacious thought patterns that resembel what you are going through.
How long have you been in this depressive state? We all will have our ups and downs. This is natural. Its when these highs and lows are extreme (and we use drugs) that we may need to step back and try to figure out the cause. Some have severe imbalances from birth and need medical help to try to find a "balance" of sorts. These are a different subject and do not fit in with my musings of self examination and possible remediation of mental issues.

I smoke cigarettes' and weed. I drink sparingly and rarely. I really hate the feeling of being drunk and if I drink to late at night it fucks up my sleep really badly so I don't touch it much. that's it. Lately though, i don't have access to proper weed so i use delta-8 which I don't like very much but it's better than nothing. My problems started a long time ago though regardless if I'm on or off any of it.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

My problems started a long time ago

Can we pinpoint when this was and what was going on at the time? Or was it all just drowned out by booze and drugs (like i did)?

 

[S-Dog]

Can we pinpoint when this was and what was going on at the time? Or was it all just drowned out by booze and drugs (like i did)?

Like i said, i really don't drink. I have drowned out a lot with weed but that's not the thing that caused any of my problems. At least not most of them. It did prevent me from finding solutions at times though. But by that point there was already so much hanging over my head and I didn't and still don't know what to do about any of it.

Not to play the blame game but if I had to point to the singular moment when my life took a really bad turn it was when I was 12. My parents took me out of school and moved me across the country. They didn't enroll me in highschool and didn't homeschool me. they pretty much just left me alone in my room to do what ever and that was that. I've never had parental guidance or anyone pushing me to get out and do anything. Most of my friendships have been online and every friend I did make in person fucked me over in way or another. I've had friends steal from me, sugar my parents gas tank, talk about me behind my back to anyone who would listen. My boyfriend cheated on me repeatedly and even started another relationship behind my back briefly.

But the only common denominator is me so... it must be my fault in the end

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Like i said, i really don't drink. I have drowned out a lot with weed but that's not the thing that caused any of my problems. At least not most of them. It did prevent me from finding solutions at times though. But by that point there was already so much hanging over my head and I didn't and still don't know what to do about any of it.

Not to play the blame game but if I had to point to the singular moment when my life took a really bad turn it was when I was 12. My parents took me out of school and moved me across the country. They didn't enroll me in highschool and didn't homeschool me. they pretty much just left me alone in my room to do what ever and that was that. I've never had parental guidance or anyone pushing me to get out and do anything. Most of my friendships have been online and every friend I did make in person fucked me over in way or another. I've had friends steal from me, sugar my parents gas tank, talk about me behind my back to anyone who would listen. My boyfriend cheated on me repeatedly and even started another relationship behind my back briefly.

But the only common denominator is me so... it must be my fault in the end

No 12 year old deserves to be pulled out of school and left to their own devices. That is a neglectful thing for a parent to do. Did you ever go online and get your GED?

And it's not your fault because you didn't get the guidance you needed when you were younger. But you can turn this all around if you put your mind to it. You don't have to let people walk all over you. If it's any consolation........when you are 30 and 40 you will still have people talking behind your back, and you will still have boyfriends cheating on you. We all deal with that all of our life.

You are too young to think you will be unhappy forever. Get out there and kick some ass. !! And if you haven't......get your GED. Then you can get a grant and take some college courses. Life starts opening up when we can get our foot in the door.

 

[S-Dog]

No 12 year old deserves to be pulled out of school and left to their own devices. That is a neglectful thing for a parent to do. Did you ever go online and get your GED?

And it's not your fault because you didn't get the guidance you needed when you were younger. But you can turn this all around if you put your mind to it. You don't have to let people walk all over you. If it's any consolation........when you are 30 and 40 you will still have people talking behind your back, and you will still have boyfriends cheating on you. We all deal with that all of our life.

You are too young to think you will be unhappy forever. Get out there and kick some ass. !! And if you haven't......get your GED. Then you can get a grant and take some college courses. Life starts opening up when we can get our foot in the door.

I did get my GED and I went to filmschool at a community College. It was a a waste of time and money. That "friend" that talked behind my back turned so many people against me before I ever even met them and gave me a reputation that I never got past