Siccness909
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2010
- Messages
- 1,489
I've been an addict for 7 years and I cant seem to stop regardless of the consequences Ive faced. My main addictions are Methamphetamine and Opiates, ROAs consist of intranasal and smoking as far as crystal and opiates typically oral and intranasal and IV. I've been in treatment programs 3-4x and no matter how serious I take it I can't seem to change and end up relapsing every time. Addiction has affected every aspect of my life, I have been officially homeless and jobless for about a month and have hit rock bottom. My family doesn't understand the concept of addiction or how to handle it and this is basically what they do to me. I am 21 years old, at this point I've basically lost all few friends I did have and no resources ffor success anymore. The only logical point.I am able to make out of my relapses is that I truly never have had any oother outlet besides narcotic abuse, was never really social or had any hobbies so I feel my drug addiction takes over when I genuinely want to get clean and I see I have nothing to take my mind off it. I am.not happy without drugs and go in to a deep depression when not high. Since i am not happy and.have no other intrests besides drugs its as.if I CANNOT get clean cause Its aall that makes me happy? My life consist of an addiction fueled with depression, anxiety, psychosis, and just lost in thoughts iI guess you could say. Its like unstoppable, I don't know what tto do. As i write this I cry as much as i love drugs, I fucking hate them. As an addict I feel alone, nobody understands me. Shit aside from my love for music, I've always considered myself very educated in the medical field, now see that's something you would think I can build a future with but my family has always seen my research and iintrest as pure "druggie knowledge" I don't know shit they say and hhave never been supportive in that. I personally honestly feel I am extremely educated and could do so mmuch more but then regardless addiction plaugues me. I cant stop, part me really wants to change but I feel in fear that even if I do I will never be happy again without my dopamine being flooded? I've ODd plenty.of.times almost near cardiac arrest and practically suffered a heart attack last week. I've been to ICU 15x this.year alone and each time I just grow colder and still manage to relapse. I need help before I truly die.
Below is something i wrote today as I'm currently coming down on a 6 day amphetamine binge. I wish i could say more but I'm feeling a psychosis manifesting so I will stop here. All opinions welcome. Thank you for you time.
Some People Are Incapable Of Changing & Honestly At This Point, I Think That's Me. I Developed An Addiction That Has Destroyed Me Mentally And Physically For About 7 Years Now. I've Run Out Of Resources, I've Died In Emergency Rooms Multiple Times & The Anxiety I Have Now From Chronic Stim Abuse Is Practically Disabling. Not To Mention Severe Amphetamine Psychosis That Manifests Every Time I End Up Sleep Deprived. My Heart Muscle Is Damaged, I've Went 5150 Etc. All That Said And I Still Manage To Relapse & Keep Going Everytime Even Though I Watch My Life Shatter Before My Eyes. Without A Care In The World, I've Lost Everything But Yet I Continue Being An Addict, Its Like Vital To Being Functional. Chronic Depression Borderline Schitzophrenia, Psychosis, Heart Attacks, Anxiety, Catatonia, Hypermania & The List Continues. Physically I Hang On By A Thread But Mentally I Am Destroyed. The Life I Lead Is Destructive And Shows No Sign Of Slowing Down, Gradually Dying Day By Day, Shit Is Unstoppable. I'm A Suicidal Failure, Eternally Unforgiven. I Hope My Next Run In With Cardiac Kills Me For Good Cause I Can't Live Like This Anymore. Fuck This Shit, My Dopamine Stays Depleted And There Is No Hope For Someone Like Me. The Vicious Cycle Is Infinite & I Am Truly Nothing But Soulless.
Below is something i wrote today as I'm currently coming down on a 6 day amphetamine binge. I wish i could say more but I'm feeling a psychosis manifesting so I will stop here. All opinions welcome. Thank you for you time.
Some People Are Incapable Of Changing & Honestly At This Point, I Think That's Me. I Developed An Addiction That Has Destroyed Me Mentally And Physically For About 7 Years Now. I've Run Out Of Resources, I've Died In Emergency Rooms Multiple Times & The Anxiety I Have Now From Chronic Stim Abuse Is Practically Disabling. Not To Mention Severe Amphetamine Psychosis That Manifests Every Time I End Up Sleep Deprived. My Heart Muscle Is Damaged, I've Went 5150 Etc. All That Said And I Still Manage To Relapse & Keep Going Everytime Even Though I Watch My Life Shatter Before My Eyes. Without A Care In The World, I've Lost Everything But Yet I Continue Being An Addict, Its Like Vital To Being Functional. Chronic Depression Borderline Schitzophrenia, Psychosis, Heart Attacks, Anxiety, Catatonia, Hypermania & The List Continues. Physically I Hang On By A Thread But Mentally I Am Destroyed. The Life I Lead Is Destructive And Shows No Sign Of Slowing Down, Gradually Dying Day By Day, Shit Is Unstoppable. I'm A Suicidal Failure, Eternally Unforgiven. I Hope My Next Run In With Cardiac Kills Me For Good Cause I Can't Live Like This Anymore. Fuck This Shit, My Dopamine Stays Depleted And There Is No Hope For Someone Like Me. The Vicious Cycle Is Infinite & I Am Truly Nothing But Soulless.