Help me understand!

[xuser]

Subject him/her to what, exactly?

Subject her to witnessing her father under the influence. She is too young to understand, but in a couple of years she will. Also witnessing fights, me crying etc. I try not to fight with her around, but it's easier said then done unfortunately.

you sound bitter and resentful but you have chosen to be a partner to this man for twelve years and then bring a child into the equation.

Bitter partnerships are toxic for children. It is almost never just one parent who is at fault. As harsh as this may sound, it seems like you should have made your decision (to leave) before bringing a child into the equation.

Yes, I am very resentful. I resent him for not keeping his promises and I resent myself for not getting out when I probably should have. I chose to bring a child into the equation on the belief that he would follow through on his promises. He had come so far already, how hard could it be right?

It sounds to me like he has issues (depression/anxiety). A lot of people with mental health issues want to live a sober life but find sober living too painful. These people are often extremely sensitive and caring. Does he love his child? Does he treat you and the child well?

He has been taking anti depressants for a few months now. He says they seem to be helping slightly.So that's a plus I guess. He loves his child with all his heart. He loves me the same and he treats us well (apart from the dishonesty)

Surely you would know about his good characteristics after being with him for so long. Is it possible that you are creating a drama by trying to force him into something when in fact he might well be a wonderful yet damaged individual? Would cutting him off be better for the child, or for you?

Yes, he is wonderful when sober and I love him very much. But after all the lies and deceit I wonder if I will ever be able to trust him again. So many lies for so long. I am not comfortable with allowing him to continue to use. He just wants to work and come home to us, that's what he tells me.

Hi, xuser, does your nic indicate you used to be a user as well?

No poledriver, I named it after my partner. Seems ironic now hey.

 

[Halif]

Thanks, xuser, for answering in such detail. I don't normally comment on people's personal lives because I know relationships (especially long-term ones, and even more so those with children involved) are complex and nobody other than the couple themselves know the full story.

I didn't want to come off sounding judgemental, but I guess that is what I did. Your posts just made me kind of sad.

It's clearly a tough situation and I hope it somehow works out as best as possible for all involved. Have you spoken to a counsellor before? Could help just being able to talk out loud to someone about how it's all affecting you.

Best wishes to you and your family.

 

[xuser]

Not judgemental at all Halif, you raised some good points. By coming on here and asking advice I am laying it out on the table, so I expect people to dig a bit to find out more before answering.

We have a long road ahead and we have already travelled so far. Thank you for your well wishes

 

[Notaddicted]

Here we go again