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Help me - Partner of someone with untreated Autism Spectrum Disorder.

She's been seeing a psychologist for at least a year who has now diagnosed with ASD. She actually fits the bill of female with ASD almost perfectly, it's just that I'm probably not giving the best overview of the whole, complex situation here. I think there's more going on than just that, but ASD is certainly the predominant issue.

I have to work at 5:50am tomorrow, I guess I'm organising a cab... This is ridiculous. I know she has felt fear and stress associated with driving since her accident, and my fender bender probably exacerbated it, but her feeling anxious about something is not a good reason to steal my freedoms and mobility, and also my property. My licence, seriously? That's some crazy shit. And I know that in her head it's all totally justified, and she'll say 'I was feeling really anxious about the idea of you driving, I thought I had a strong capable partner who would listen to me and respect my wishes and not drive while I'm feeling scared about it' and make it out like somehow I'm an arsehole for this. And I bet that's the narrative she's telling her friends and they'll believe it because she really comes across as reasonable and logical... Until you get close enough.
 
I'm glad it's a psychologist and not just some random GP. I haven't met as many females with ASD as males but some of these things go beyond what I've ever seen--manipulation, desire for novelty, etc. People who fall on the spectrum generally prefer less stimulation. Her ability to socialize normally would also suggest there's something deeper and less benign going on than ASD though.

I'm not a Doctor but this is not a healthy relationship and the things you're describing (manipulating friends to believe her against you and reality) just lead me to believe you're better off separating yourself. It's hard at first but it gets easier.
 
Yeah I wouldn't trust a GP to properly diagnose a mental health issue. They only see you maybe a few times a year for ten minutes a pop, about unrelated things. I don't think they'd have enough in-depth information on the patient, nor the specialty of psychology an mental health.

Women present ASD differently to men, so they're diagnosed less frequently as it's often hard to spot. She does tend to prefer less stimulation in general: Wears ear plugs, rarely listens to music, gets sensory overload in places like malls or supermarkets, prefers plain food, cannot wear certain fabrics or styles of clothing (too tight or an awkward cut), doesn't wear any perfume or use heavily scented shampoo, moisturiser, etc, and gets easily affected by sensory stimulation coming from others (loud phone conversation on the bus, guy walks past wearing strong cologne, planes passing overhead). Apparently because sex is such a strong sensory experience , women with ASD either love it or hate it. I guess for her it's a sensory experience that is enjoyable for its intensity rather than overwhelming.

She's not on medication, she doesn't respond well to meds. She tried SSRIs a couple of years ago and it was a nightmare the whole time. Later on she used benzos, which worked in a short term sense but still ended up affecting her really badly and making everything harder... Then there was a couple of months of her coming off benzos which was awful.
 
Run. Run as fast and far as you can. I mean dude she's cheating on you without remorse ... And she abuses yo in every sense of the word. Get. The . fuck. Out.

She clearly has borderline personality disorder and maybe something psychotic/delusional

You have Stockholm syndrome written all over you my good man
 
As I know it is not as simple as walking away when love is concerned, it should be even more complicated when contemplating leaving someone one loves who's dealing with an untreated disorder. I would say, if you love and want to stick it out with her, that you need to consider the health, mental and physical, of you both. If she wont get help, and continues to hurt you, you need to leave and make sure that you are alright. Push her towards treatment, as much as you can... if she pushes back too hard, you have to love yourself and let her go
 
Ticket,

You have to come to a decision here, is this the relationship you want to keep chasing, or is it time for you to let go and protect yourself.

You love her, but how much, is she worth your sanity?

I know it's hard, and you don't want to feel like you've abandoned someone you care so much for, but it's ok to take care of yourself first, if you don't then you can't be there for the people who actually want your help.
 
And one thing to remember : Only because she is diagnosed as having ASD, does neither mean she is not responsible for her actions to a certain extend, nor does it mean, that it cannot get worse (even when treated "correctly").

To me that relationship sounds like a lose-lose-situation (all the "love"-talk aside). You are the doormat for her outbursts, which will eventually wreck you as a man and the longer you keep that role, the longer it will take to recover after it. Honestly you seem to have masochistic tendencies if you stay with her.
Furthermore you obviously cannot help her : Noone can but herself and perhaps a capable professional (who are rarely found). Perhaps you are even slowing down her self development by not showing her the natural boundaries in your relationship.

A friend of a friend has ASD and she is the most successfull (academically and in generally)/grounded person I know. She is solo for a long time as far as I know. Maybe some people are just not made for a relationship (typically narcissistic leader types).
 
Man I wish I could give you a hug or something after reading all that. Despite the fact I've never been in a situation quite like yours, it all seems very familiar. I'm in a relationship where I've been the one supporting and the one being supported (though never to quite the extreme you're experiencing). I don't have ASD but I definitely have some symptoms of BPD. I know that kind of living nightmarish chaos at least to a certain degree, not just with my current relationship but with my family relationships in the past too. I probably attract it and am somewhat attracted to it.

At my worst, I'd completely lose control, would hurt myself and others, cut myself, hate myself, and have very little control over my anger. I've done some seriously unacceptable and downright abusive things in my relationship, stuff I absolutely deserved to get dumped over. I have also had stuff like that done to me. I've been both the victim and the perpetrator. But at some point I decided I didn't want to be 'that' person, I never wanted to be abusive in my relationship especially having been a victim of abuse. I committed to trying to get better and learn from every mistake. And while I'm not perfect, I am much better than I used to be. Episodes of insanity I have now are very rare and are never violent anymore except very occasionally to myself, and I'm still working on it.

I understand your not leaving, some people just stay and fight it out to the bitter end. I'm sure many might call it codependency and maybe it is, and it's definitely something I've struggled with in mutually abusive relationships I've been in. Physical and emotional abuse from both sides.

In my case, to the comparatively small extent I was like her once, I was eventually forced into getting help when I tried to kill myself, and latter on (see above) by genuinely trying to improve my behavior. I know someone else who sounds more like her than I ever was, she also eventually got some help after trying to kill herself, it hasn't fixed everything (for her or me), but she's at least better. Both of us wound up in inpatient psychiatric care.

She needs help, that much is obvious. And preferably before she tries to kill herself, but she also needs to be willing and there in lies the problem. I can't promise anything I say will help, but if you feel you can't leave, perhaps you can distance yourself in a way. Tell her you love her, and want to help her, but you can't do it alone, and that she needs to see a psychiatrist or something (it sounds like she definitely needs to be medicated). You could tell her you're not leaving her, but until she gets help you can't keep living like this, but that if she'd be willing too, you're willing to help her with her getting help so long as she's willing to try. I don't believe for a moment that this is a fun way for her to live either. Seems like you need to get her to see that what she's feeling is treatable and she can live a much better quality of life if she's willing to work for it. If she's utterly unwilling to seek help though, you only have two options. Leave, or continue putting up with it. If you continue though, you must know there's no certainty that it'll ever get any better and that you won't be throwing away years of your life on this nightmare until you simply can't take it anymore, ultimately being for nothing. Hence why I think distancing yourself might be the most constructive option outside of leaving her entirely.

I wish I had something better to suggest, but in my experience there's almost never an easy answer in these situations. :(
 
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I skimmed but if someone has already said it..

COUPLES THERAPY.

Could be ASD, PTSD, bi-polar, anything really. Leave it to the professional as far as diagnosis & treatment.
 
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