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Help me - Partner of someone with untreated Autism Spectrum Disorder.

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Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 8, 2010
Messages
76
So after three years of bizarre, tumultuous, confusing and at the times completely insane over-the-top rollercoaster of a relationship, it's come to light that my partner has high functioning Autism. Which explains a whole lot I guess, and in some ways it helps to know what I'm facing so that I can face it more appropriately, but other times just knowing doesn't help at all and it's just so, so fucking hard. Like right this second for example... She's locked herself in her room, knocking her head on the wall, crying, screaming, swearing, verbally abusing me and saying the way she feels is my fault. But there's nothing I can do about it. See, last uear she had a very minor car accident (someone elses fault, not that it mattered), and she's been traumatised by it. Yesterday I was stationary at a set of red lights, it was rainy, someone rear-ended me and our had to be towed. She insists that I'm traumatised while I've actually been fine. Some ibuprofen, a phone call to the insurance company, organised to borrow one of parents cars while they're away on a cruise. Okay, an inconvenience, but not a huge emotional deal. I tried to cook dinner for her, knowing she wasn't great, and she screamed and cried telling me I was being insensitive to her feeling fucked up by doing so. So I made her a small snack and told her I'd wait till she felt better to cook with her. She cried and screamed and verbally abused me about the fact that it was getting later and she still hadn't even had any dinner. So I said 'Well I'll cook. If you feel up to it, come join me now and we'll cook together'. "No! I can't cook right now! I feel so upset - Fuck you!" ... Fuck me? Why? Apparently because my 'energy' is off and I must be traumatised by my minor fender bender and just denying it, and she can't carry on until I own up in a fit of tears and repressed emotion. I... What? I'm not traumatised! It's just a thing! So now she's screaming and swearing at me that I'm being an arsehole by not admitting my supposed trauma and she can't move on until I do and it's all my fault that she hasn't eaten yet and is feeling so fucked up. I tried appealing to logic (which often works with this particular flavour of Autism) saying 'When you tell me how you feel and I disagree you really dislike that. Who am I to tell you how you feel? You want me to respect what you say about your own emotions - Maybe this is the same thing. I'm being honest. Please respect my self-knowledge and emotional autonomy the way I do yours' ... Nope. So much worse. I just don't know how to win. This is just the very latest in the ongoing saga of 'every fucking day is a goddamn struggle' - Where can I access some help? Does anyone here have an Autistic partner? Are there support groups for partners of Autistic adults around? I can only find support groups for the people with ASD themselves, and some for parents, but not for those of us who love them in other ways. Honestly if I had had a snapshot of the things I would be dealing with on an almost daily basis and how futile normal, rational measures would be when we first got together, I probably would have made a very different decision at the beginning and not pursued this relationship. The good days are good. The bad days make me want to kill myself. And the bad days outnumber the good... Not that I can ever talk to her about it, because another Autistic meltdown that I'm supposed to pick up the pieces from will always, without fail occur.

Fucking sigh.
 
The worst part about being with someone with a major disability is that even if you are very unhappy in the relationship; you feel like a jerk for considering leaving.
Your situation sounds very difficult. How long have you been together?
 
man... she seems a bit too crazy

TBH if I were you I would decide it probably wasn't worth it. is it worth it to you?
 
I agree, it sounds like she has larger issues than ASD. I would be pushing for her to have a mental evaluation done. Good luck, keep us updated :)
 
Well there's the ASD, and social anxiety, OCD, inability to recognise faces, a complete lack of emotional regulation, episodes of self harm, verbal, emotional and often physical abuse (which of course are excised by the ASD apparently). Not uncommon: 18 hour fights in which I'm just trying to tell her I love her and that she doesn't need to feel so threatened, while she screams at me and tellse I'm abusive (because apparently if she feels scared it's because I'm abusive and not because she's crazy at that moment). Even other shit that doesn't make sense - Like I just got home from work, ad I'm a bartender so sometimes I smell like whiskey and cigarette smoke. I agreed to have a shower because I know she has sensory issues. But she had an hour or longer shower earlier and there is no hot water left. So I say, hey man, I'm not showering at 2am in freezing cold water after a long shift, we have to figure something else out. So she boils the jug and acts like that's actually a genuine alternative - Like I'm gonna stand naked in the shower and pour boiling hot water by the 500ml over myself... What the actual fuck? No way! But she's screaming and swearing at me again for wanting to sleep in my own room and shower in the morning when the hot water is back up again. Fuck me, right? How dare I?? Arghhh fucking SIGH!
 
Definitely talk to a professional. If your partner is amenable to seeing someone, take her in. If not, see someone on your own - they should be able to give you ideas and strategies for working with your partner, and put you in touch with support groups etc.
 
I woke up this morning to a text message from her saying she's staying elsewhere for a while... Which means she's helped herself to my dads car that I've borrowed while mine's in the shop. I actually need it for work, that's why I organised the loan - That is actually theft, right? She just grabs the keys and fucks off wth my dads car at 3:30am and says 'I'm staying elsewhere for a while'..? Fine, stay elsewhere, but don't impair my ability to work, an get to and from shifts, and steal my dads car while you're doing so =\
 
Wait, update: the car is here, it's just weirdly all the way down the street and around the corner. The keys, however, are actually gone. So she's taken those with her. That's still leaving me with no vehicle and she's had no right to take the car keys away from me whilst she 'stays elsewhere for a while'. Like honestly that could have almost been a goddamn relief if she'd just left me with access to a vehicle so I could continue with my normal functionality. This is part of her all to frequent meltdowns. If something is going wrong with her, nothing in the entire world can still run in the usual way. It's inconceivable that things could still function normally and not have very facet of our lives fall apart every time she has a meltdown.
 
She may not have good enough theory of mind to realize that you need the keys. It sounds like emotional regulation is a primary issue too.
 
Yeah I did think of that, especially if she was upset. Obviously she moved the car though, so the whole 'keys = make car happen' thing was pretty present. I've just discovered though that she has taken the cigarette lighter phone charger, my P plates and my licence though. So, I'm gonna go ahead and assume she knew what she was doing. She's been having some post-traumatic-stress about cars and driving since her accident last year, I'm sure that me getting rear ended the other day brought a lot of that back up for her, but I don't want to just always entertain her every anxiety and upend everything else in my life just because she's feeling something unreasonable. I mean, it actually is unreasonable to, whilst in the middle of a meltdown, grab the keys to a car that isn't yours, take your partners licence, and take off for a few days when you know your partner needs a car for work, right? It's probably very unhealthy to bend over backwards to accomodate disordered thinking, I need to hold things to the structures I have put in my place to ensure our lives run smoothly. Compromising my employment or spending huge amounts of money on cabs every day isn't a reasonable expectation - She needs to learn how to deal with things, even if they feel uncomfortable or she's experiencing distress. I take care of her, I give her way more care and support and flexibility than adults ever typically receive. I'm a flexible and creative person. But some things I feel it's just not healthy or productive to sacrifice. Like my job, because she's upset at a certain point in time. Yeah, emotional management and regulation are very weak points for her. Management is almost non-existent. Which often means I need to be absolutely perfect when she's upset, even though it incredibly difficult, stressful, straining, exhausting, upsetting, depressing, infuriating, etc, to manage it for her and not make things worse. Then afterwards there's damage control, and processing, and all the fucking talking... If, after 10hrs of her freaking, crying, yelling, etc, I am worn a bit too thin and my tone comes across as annoyed or stressed, that just adds to it all and then it's my fault and the problem is much worse. I am, in effect, her full time carer, and I never signed up to be. Since she was diagnosed with ASD she's actually been getting less functional, as though the diagnoses is validating her feelings, tendencies and experiences for her. It's been three years, and I don't think there has been a stretch of more than a couple of weeks without some kind of crazy problem that I've never experienced with anyone else. And she blames me, she says her other relationships have never been tumultuous like this but they have. She's told me. There were ups and downs but everyone else left her deciding it was too hard before it ever got to the point that I'm experiencing now... So there's some cognitive dissonance there on her part.
 
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I actually *do* want a family. Which is depressing as hell, because with the way things are in our lives, I cannot see a future in which that would possible. She's too unpredictable, she has meltdowns, all kinds of sensory issues and problems with sensory and emotional overwhelm. Problems with emotional regulation, appropriate response to stress or difficulty, a tendency toward stress, fear and anxiety, anger management problems and perceptional problems. Plus, she'll occasionally do things like take my licence and car keys because in her mind, her feeling upset at that moment in more important than any other practical issue. Once we were overseas, and she got upset about something... It was the entire day, a horrible experience. I was so overwhelmed I started rubbing at my head and temples, which she perceived as highly threatening for some reason, so she started punching me in the chest repeatedly. The she hid my passport. We were travelling overseas and she stole and hid my passport - That's totally fucked up. We would both like a family, but there is no way it's a sane idea to do so.
 
That almost sounds more like borderline personality (in addition to the autism/aspergers spectrum )possibly. That would explain a lot. And the simplest explanation is usually the right one.

Borderline girls are very dangerous to get emotionally connected to.

You're a great guy for sticking it out but what people don't realize is a relationship is not a chance to help someone, not a chance to earn good karma, not the time to be a slave. You need some small degree of those things, but a good healthy relationship is based around making each other happy and love. Nothing more, nothing less.

Edit: man I've heard of crazy gf's before but that last post... Holy shit. That isn't misreading emotions/facial expressions .... that is paranoid and delusional. And hiding your passport? I can't even imagine what delusion was going through her head to make her think that'd help. You know what I take back what I said... You should also look into schizo... I hate to say it my man, but she has "paranoid, delusional" written all over her.

Seriously man take a step back. Your girl punched you for no reason... She uses you. Straight up. She doesn't seem to care about your feelings. I've been in some very long relationships before where I was used and my emotions were secondary. Episodes of debilitating anxiety on both sides (because of a simple misunderstanding usually) yet only one side seems to want it to stop. Save yourself. Please. The longer you are with her the more you will think it's normal, the more you will start acting as the other half of her craziness.

I'm usually the last guy to advocate the "tuck and roll" out of the scene, but man that is a 9/10 bad. We have physical and emotional abuse, complete breakdown of communication, complete lack of pleasure and passion. The only saving factor is (though I'll admit I skimmed a lot) she's not cheating on you (or hasn't admitted it) and you aren't fearing for your life. Are you OK with the fact that those are the only redeeming factors in this?

Oh and a girl "staying the night" with some unknown person while she's really unhappy with you.... I would like to think that's innocent but shit man at least ask or investigate. May have to revoke my previous rating and give you a 9.9/10 on the "shittiness" scale.

A relationship should add to you more than it takes.

Actions > words

Actions > words

1 is she on meds? That could explain the psychotic /delusional episodes
2 if not... Holy cock she need to be on a med before she hurts herself or smeone. Seriously man, she will hurt somebody physically, more than can be swept under the rug if this continues.

Sorry for the long post, and sorry for being so blunt. I identify with you, cuz I would be doing the same shit, sticking it out when any sane person wouldve left. Just trying to give you a wake-up call my man, PM me if you need. I know how tough and taxing that shit is.
 
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Oh I'm like 96% sure she's ducking someone else right this second. She's highly sexual (it's a sensory thing, it barely even matter who or what, just that it feels good), she doesn't have great risk/consequence reasoning, if she's upset she seeks out novel sexual experiences like a junkie. I lost my temper last night and told her insider want to sleep in the same bed for the night. Too irritated, just finished a shift, wanted a bit more autonomy. I would wager money that she's gotten in contact with the girl who broke her heart in high school (15 years or more ago, mind you) and is staying with her. While she's stolen my license and the keys to my dads car I've borrowed. She's probably fucking her way through all of her friendships that were willing to put her up without thought and will come back to me lying about it but in 6 months come clean. That's how it works for her.
 
That's the problem, isn't it? I actually really fucking love this person. I know that I do. The good days are great, but most days are hard. Sometimes it's the whole goddamn day that gets taken up by some imagined problem, that's not uncommon, but sometimes it's just a an hour or so and we can do more fun thing together. She's often submissive (or more deferential, maybe) to me and I like that. It's really hard to know what the right thing to do is sometimes because she'll be upset regardless in a lot of situations... But sometimes I hold her and rock her and she stops crying and after minutes understands what she's done as not okay and I just can't help but forgive. I have a hugely caring, paternal responsne to her, plus she's really cute and I can't stop just loving her like mad, even though it's really fucking hard sometimes, and I know relationships shouldn't be like this.
 
We originally thought BPD until she was diagnosed with ASD instead. The results of her personality disorder test did come back with some interesting things though - Within the diagnosable range were schizotypal personality disorder, anxiety, perception all problems (magical thinking an other tenuous grasps between reason and reality), mania in the areas of irritation and anger and post-traumatic stress. Apparently these are all either covered by, exacerbated by or comorbid with ASD.
 
Who diagnosed her with ASD? The symptoms of ASD do not really match what you've described ime, and her being an adult woman makes it even more unlikely (unless these words mean something else in Australia?).

You may want to contact the police now though. She has stolen your keys and some possessions (and an argument could be made for the car)--she also needs professional help and seems to unstable to accept it. She could also be a danger to herself, and is kind of a missing person at this point.
 
It's past time to involve a professional regardless of whether you want to involve the police, OP.
 
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