HELP! Destroyed by sex details of wife's affair

[stovepipe]

Dude, walk away before you have a heart attack. I was in a similar situation and can tell you first hand you will never be 100% able to trust her again. You will have constant worries, having to check her email and phone is only going to cause you more unwanted stress. Of course there is a very slim chance she wont cheat again, I mean slim. My view is once someone cheats on me, I can no longer be in a relationship with them ever again or trust them. I will forgive them, but no way could I ever be able to look at them again with respect. You can do better thats for sure. Good luck

 

[Johngass]

What position were they in we she licked his Ass? Did he cum on her face? Also can I see the vids?

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

I'm sorry, I know this thread is old (i'm not the one who bumped it) but I feel the need to comment on this thread. This type of thread pisses me off to no end.

You talk about this great fulfilled marriage you have, but then you do this:

4 months ago I was rocked when I curiouslypeeked through her email.

There was clearly a trust issue if you just happened to decide one day after 10 years to "peek" in her email.
You went looking for something... and you couldn't deal with what you found.

Somewhere you started to feel insecure and you looked for a reason to play the "victim". I mean fuck... look at this shit...

I told her my trust would have to be earned back,
including cutting the guy and changing jobs,
allowing me to track her phone and car,
giving me access to her email accounts

This isn't how you fix a relationship. This is how you gain ridiculous control over a person.
No sane individual would give up their privacy to "prove" their love.

This is ridiculous. Even if she did fuck up and cheat on you.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

And another reason it's completely ridiculous is you said one of the things that hurts the worst is that she had anal sex with him and swallowed his cum more than once.

Talk about priorities.

 

[Durzo1258]

And another reason it's completely ridiculous is you said one of the things that hurts the worst is that she had anal sex with him and swallowed his cum more than once.

Talk about priorities.

Well unless he plans on not kissing for for the rest of their live together it kind of is relevant. Ib4 "I'm sure your gf or that girl you had one night stand with did worse things" Probably, but ignorance is bliss.

Also this place is strong on thread necromancy.

 

[NiteTrane]

So you want her to swallow your cum and do anal, but when she does these things with another man she's "degrading herself"?

If a guy I was with thought that way about doing those acts, I'd go do them with someone else too.

Maybe she did them with him because he made her feel desired, and not like she was dirty or wrong for doing them. While you may have never said to her "anal is dirty", your attitude about it shows through when you comment on her doing it with someone else. I don't expect you to LIKE what she did, but you go further than being angry that she cheated, you're disgusted with her for the kinds of acts YOU WANT HER TO DO WITH YOU.

You must be some kind of special illiterate retard, huh!?

The OP didn't say he thought it degrading fool.. The wife did, she would say that when the OP would mention/ask about her willingness to try.. Here are the OP's exact words, (if you're not illiterate that is), and based on your ignorant comment I'm going to lean toward yes, yes you are "some type of special illiterate retard"..

"she had anal sex with him and swallowed him semen more than once; those were two things that I asked her if she was willing to try in our relationship, and >SHE< would always detest referring to them as gross or degrading."

Then this line of yours pretty much sums it up and explains it all,

"If a guy I was with thought that way about doing those acts, I'd go do them with someone else too."..

That quote there tells me all I need to know about you.. It tells me you are what's wrong with the moral-less world we live in today.. You're one of those people who are always part of the major problems we face in society today.. You're just an average, ordinary, typical run of the mill , women/whores in the world today.. Well well, would you look at that, one whore rushing to the defense of another whore.. Cheating house whores like yourself are abundant and always have an excuse(s)that that they use that makes you think it exonerates and excuses you from the disgusting, low-down dirty shit that cheating whores do.. There's no excuse for being an adulterous slut-whore..

If you want to really get down to it, and go technical, even if the OP were the one who found it degrading it would be irrelevant and would mean nothing, because just the fact that a married individual cheats should be plenty enough degrading without having to commit the specific acts in question here..

 

[razorsedge]

Had a similar bizarre experience in my marriage that took me down the rabbits hole. My beautiful, vivacious, girl-next-door-good-looks wife of 7 years had an affair that lasted several months. I felt something was very off in her behavior and began to suspect her when she suddenly started needing to take out of town trips to see old girlfriends I'd never met, loss of libido, changed her hair style suddenly, began working out, passwording her phone etc. So, after tracking her car mileage to and from her friends house and verifying that she'd traveled far beyond her destination, I placed a keylogger on her laptop and of course caught her cheating. The sexting from the other guy was astonishingly juvenile and stupid in its wording ("I wanna break off my d--k in you my little f*ck princess..."). Hard to believe my intelligent and level headed wife fell for this idiot and his banter (said it made her feel wanted and sexy). Later I discovered emailed sex videos she'd made just for him. Evidently, my wife had started out just sending him nude pics of herself to keep him interested and also because she was very jealous of his wife. She later decided to further up her game by sending actual videos of herself masterbating while "their song" played in the background (cheesy I know). At that point I was about to lose it and stupidly thought that it couldn't get much worse, but I was not even close to seeing the end of this nightmare. So, with all evidence in hand, I decided to finally confront my wife and blow the damn affair completely up. I told her all that I'd discovered. She cried at first, then said she was so so sorry and ashamed, but that I just didn't understand how she felt. I asked her if she was in love with this guy and she said "Yes". She still didn't want to tell me his full name but I eventually was able to get it out of her. I told her that I suspected that this asshole didn't really love her and was just using her as a free prostitute, and that he'd never leave his beautiful wife and kids for her (they had shared family pics too -- all American family, pretty wife, etc.). She said she believed that he truly did love her and that he wanted a life with her. I told her that if he really loved her then please prove it too me by calling him up on speaker phone and point blank ask him if he is in love with her -- I wanted to hear it for myself I told her, and if he stepped up and committed then I'd let her go with the best wishes of luck to her (I felt certain he was not all in). She reluctantly did call him. The bastard was caught totally off guard at work when she called announcing it was an emergency. She told him that I had discovered their affair and she now needed to make some very serious choices and needed know where she stood in his life. She asked if he really loved her and wanted her or not. She was sure he would profess his love for her on the spot and come running to her rescue (she was still very deep in the affair fog). But instead he stumbled over his words, asking her why she needed to know "stuff like that" and why she was putting him on the spot like this. Eventually all he could say to her was that "well...you know I do care about you and stuff a lot but lately I've been thinking that I still love my wife". While this was going on, my stomach was churning, I used every ounce of energy I had to hold back a boiling rage to pick up the phone and let him know I was coming for him, but I didn't because it was more important to let her hear the truth. Besides, the look of utter despair and loss on my wife's face once she realized she'd been played as just a whore for him was enough for me, at least for the moment. She kept saying through tears over and over..."What the hell? But you told me I was the love of your life. I risked everything for you!". He told her he was sorry how things turned out and that at least they had some good times together that'd he'd never forget. He also asked her to please help do damage control and keep me from knowing how to reach his wife since no more people needed to be hurt than already were. After he hung up, I told her that his response didn't surprise me. That she'd meant nothing more than free sex for him. Hell, she even had paid for the hotel rooms on all their meetups because he said he didn't want to leave a money trail that his wife could follow (she bought into his reasoning of course and complied). So, next it was my turn to turn his world upside down. I tracked down his wife's workplace and left a message that she needed to call me regarding her husband. Since he'd turned off his phone to cut my wife off from calling him at work, his wife never could reach him and began to fear he'd been in an accident or something --- so she quickly called me instead to find out what was going on. I let her know all of what had happened in the affair and she was utterly devastated. Once she got control and stopped sobbing, she asked if I had any evidence and if I'd send it to her, which of course I did (hundreds of sext messages, photos, masterbating vids, hotel receipts, times, dates, all of it.). In her fury, she did her own digging before hubby got home and found his password hidden under his monitor stand along with his trove of emails and the videos my wife had sent him, but then...she found something else. Evidently, my wife's lover had begun telling her how great it'd be to have anal sex with her -- since this was something his wife never gave him. So, every time they were together, and at least on 6 or more occasions, she had allowed him to video her having anal sex with him, giving her facials, etc. She was extremely verbal and aroused and excited during the filming. She had a weird expression on her face. Her eyes looked glazed, almost like she was drugged (I know now that it was the fog-mind that adulterers get) It really surprised me because her lover was smaller than average (not what I had imagined or expected), and very over weight (which should have made me feel better..but didn't). She later said she only did it to give him something his wife wouldn't provide and because it was easier since his penis was small (evidently anal made him feel bigger/more dominate and manly according to her). She said she made him promise to erase them later and would have never let him made them otherwise. Well, he of course did not. Apparently he'd archived the videos in some folder in a dropbox account. His wife figured out his password was the same as his email and accessed them. She shared them all with me, along with texts he'd sent a close friend of his which he'd shared the videos with under the caption "My little ass whore". My wife and I were best friends, shared in child rearing, and other responsibilities. She always talked about other people who'd cheated on their spouses as being despicable people. We had a good life together. We communicated with each other a lot, went on dates, and supported one another. We had always had a great sex life until the last 2 years of our marriage when her sex drive seemed to vanish. We were adventurous and creative in bed together, lots of foreplay. I was just as interested in her having an orgasm as myself, in fact even more so. She blamed hormones and the stress of work on her dwindling libido. I believed her and thought it made sense, since many of my friends' wives with kids had similar experiences over time. But as time went on, she never seemed to want to work at a remedy in any significant way. I've never had problems with my own libido and have a strong sex drive, have always been considered attractive, and prior to my wife had other lovers with a relatively healthy sex life. I couldn't figure out where the hell I'd screwed up. Never the type to forget important dates. Took her away for short getaways, talked sexy to her, sent her love notes from time to time. What had I done to cause her to no longer desire me and treat me this way? It was maddening. I thought I knew her, her desires, her feelings. But, after watching those videos I noticed a different person in them. She was completely submissive and talking very dirty during sex. When I had ever tried to initiate anal sex from time to time, she'd often say she just didn't feel comfortable doing it, that it didn't make her feel sexy when I talked dirty to her during sex-- but now she was another man's "little ass whore", willingly giving him anal sex, and talking slutty with a smile on her face (at least in the videos I saw). I pressed her to tell me every thing they had done together, no more secrets. As she spilled the beans and answered my endless questions remarkably with brutal honesty, I told her that I'd have to think whether or not our relationship was worth it to me anymore. We went to counseling, which she said made her fell even more twisted and conflicted. She had also reached out several times a day, day after day, to her lover but he'd already cut her off completely -- his last message blamed her for wrecking his family and life (Actually it was all me. Not only had I informed his wife, but also every family member, co-worker, boss, church group members, and neighbors. He finally complained that now his teaching job was in jeopardy and that his neighbors had stopped inviting him to gatherings). During one counseling session, my wife finally broke down crying saying she couldn't understand why her affair partner just wouldn't at least communicate with her and explain himself and why had he lied to her, that she felt so alone and cold, and that she couldn't bear it with me knowing that I was still so angry and unforgiving. She made the huge mistake of admitting to our counselor that she was so depressed over her lover's dismissal of her that she had nearly acted on some suicidal thoughts, but had been able to hold on hoping her lover would change his mind. She had just stepped back into the session though after going to the bathroom and calling him one last time at work to plead and beg only to be asked to never call the school again. She started suddenly crying uncontrollably and shaking and was showing all the signs of having a nervous break, the full impact of his illusion crashing down. Fearing the possibility that she might do harm to herself, our counselor decided to commit her for 2 weeks to a psychiatric ward. When she was released, she said she had finally come to her senses and admitted to contacting her old lover during the weeks of our counseling. She said she actually knew now that he was not the man her mind had believed he was and that she was blown away at how crazy she had acted during the affair -- that she simply was not herself but just desperate emotional mess. I didn't know what to think or do, but knew I loved her and also didn't want to flush 7 years and our family down the drain. Over the next months, she completely changed. Focused herself on our relationship and the sex was like it was when we first met...passionate and lustful, yearning. We introduced some kink into the bedroom to spice things up and she begged me to give her anal sex and to "take this ____ back and own it..." etc., you get the idea. It was great and cathartic too. Things were fantastic for an entire year and are great even to this day 8 years later. But, there is not a week that goes by still that I do not have flashbacks of those damn videos she made with him. Its like a form of PTSD or something. If I let it, it becomes very debilitating. I sometimes have trouble sleeping and have to really try to block it out on bad days when something triggers the memory. That said. We are in a better place now and are very in love with each other, communicate honestly and fully. No more secrets at last.

 

[Yourbaker]

After reading through the walls of text I'm wondering why people get married. It appears to be a control issue that some simply must have over their partner or they feel like less of a person.

Having sexual interest in other people is a simple fact of life. Forcing your partner to deny themselves or hide their lives is where the problem is, not in having sex with other people. I see this a fundamental failure of society, marriage should be a contract entered into only for the raising of children and even then why must it include monogamy? Safe sex, practiced outside of a relationship just shouldn't be such a huge issue for anyone.

If we never set these rules in place to begin with our partners would be free to ask us what we think of their affairs. We could be the team that looks after each other not the jealous privacy invader.

What my partner does for sex only involves me, it isn't controlled by me. Freedom not only allows him to look touch and taste as he pleases he can always get my second opinion before he gets involved with someone else. It's freedom for me as well as I don't need to read his emails or snoop for passwords.

It just seems to me all the problems are just self image problems that people try to compensate through making rules (marriage). Be ok with yourself and don't use rules to force your partner to be ok with you, use love.

 

[gmlifer]

@razorsedge- your story sounds like many others and not to far from my own. I am also still with my wife so I completely understand what you mean by having memories come back out of nowhere and they absolutely will floor you.

Another issue that I have to deal with in my own mind is what motivates her to stay. In the end it doesn't matter. The relationship is better than it ever was and this is 13 years post hell phase. Good luck brother, you and I took the road less traveled and I think it has paid off, as long as the torment keeps getting less and less each year.

 

[Asclepius]

This is awful. Cant imagine the loss and betrayal you are experiencing.

Personally, I would not be able to stay with a person who did this; all respect for you and your relationship, sense of dignity has been crossed. In no way is this acceptable imo.

Cannot fathom how you managed so far. You are an unbelievably strong individual and deserve to start afresh - without someone who can't respect you.

Please take time away for yourself from this person...even if it's a 'break' from the situation to get your sense of self back. This is not something you can just 'get over', nor should you.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

I'm agreeing with yourbaker.
Razorsedge sounds like a complete control freak. His wife got bored of him and went on to do whatever she wanted (not saying that's right or wrong) but razorsedge snooped and snooped and made his wife tell him ever last single bloody detail. THEY SAY DONT GO LOOKING FOR SOMETHING IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE AFRAID OF WHAT YOU FIND. And now you are crying saying you have flashbacks still to this day like a form of ptsd. You suck. You had a shit storm rain on you, so the only thing you could do is call the other persons wife and ruin her fucking family. His whole story sounds like control, it's disgusting. The whole time you're trying to "work" on your relationship she's calling the other dude hoping to speak with him. You're pathetic. Seriously.

 

[Xorkoth]

I think the above is overly harsh, but yeah I think the OP does have control issues and the fault here goes both ways.

 

[losangeles1993]

I hope to god you leave her ass for good..i cant believe you were stupid enough to go back omg dude there is pussy everywhere in the world and clearly she likes the other guy more than you since hes fucking her anal and swallowing his cum and she wont let you and youve known her for 10 years..this shit is crazy man!!!

 

[losangeles1993]

Razorsedge is a sucker too haha once a cheater always a cheater..too many hoes out here to be sad and forgiving lmaoo

 

[gmlifer]

I'm agreeing with yourbaker.
Razorsedge sounds like a complete control freak. His wife got bored of him and went on to do whatever she wanted (not saying that's right or wrong) but razorsedge snooped and snooped and made his wife tell him ever last single bloody detail. THEY SAY DONT GO LOOKING FOR SOMETHING IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE AFRAID OF WHAT YOU FIND. And now you are crying saying you have flashbacks still to this day like a form of ptsd. You suck. You had a shit storm rain on you, so the only thing you could do is call the other persons wife and ruin her fucking family. His whole story sounds like control, it's disgusting. The whole time you're trying to "work" on your relationship she's calling the other dude hoping to speak with him. You're pathetic. Seriously.

Just curious..... how would you have handled his situation?

The more I think about this post the more it feels like a troll post. Having the one person you love and cherish the most betray you in such a horrible way is excruciating. Even you most likely know that so why the hatred? Were you the guy that he sold out? He did the right thing letting the other wife know.

 

[Jawjahboi]

Wow I would dominate the whore

 

[exy34]

Forgive her in case you are sure that you want to stay with her, but keep in mind that she can do that again after some time, cheaters are cheaters and that is hard to change.

 

[kaya_9]

All these cases show a complete lack of character.....How do men love women like this? Boggles the mind.

 

[gmlifer]

All these cases show a complete lack of character.....How do men love women like this? Boggles the mind.

To err is human to forgive is Devine

Maybe you need to reevaluate what defines good character.

 

[kaya_9]

Heh^ what a joke

Dont know if you read the thread, but this is not an 'err' ffs....complete lack of respect for someone they are supposed to love...Good character is not fucking around on someone you're supposed to be committed to...These women should have left if they weren't happy.