I fell in love with a drug addict and 3 years in found out she was cheating on me in brutal ways, BRUTAL ways that I'm learning aren't unique in that disgusting culture. I dabbled because of her, but she was on and off again for 20 years and hid her sex addiction quite well. I was naive, not entirely as I used on and off again for almost a year, but she turned out to be hard core (slamming which I never did) and I easily quit and we aren't just talking a few guys, we are talking dozens, sex skits, role play, and parading the dudes right in front of me, mocking me (introduced as friends not someone she just f'd while I was taking a nap 2 hotel rooms away). Of course eventually there were too many, including a friend that spilled the beans. And it also turns out most guys (after they are done) usually feel bad for good guys, especially over a ruthless slut. And when stuff starting missing from my room, I started recordings in my room while I was at work, and it was gnarly. And I ended up with tons of XXX audio recordings and of course most guys were glad to pile on. I had to be sure, I mean 100% sure before I accused? She tried to deny (strangely to me as I thought it would be so much easier to just admit, heal and move on), but it was overwhelming and disgusting.
There were red flags over the years obviously, but I was crazy, and blindly in love- but the crazy thing was that this girl is really good looking, good genes maybe, but she looked nothing like the seasoned tweakers that I despised and she kept close company with- just roguish looking, missing teeth, bad skin, bad hair, fat or abhorrently thin, etc. BUT the men she hooked up with were fat, ugly losers (always fellow tweakers). And I fell for her hard, as crazy as it sounds literally months away from asking her to marry me.
I was devastated and my heart crushed. Long story short I finally reconciled that no human being could act so evil to their worst enemy, let alone someone she cared about i.e. it was the drugs- she was not innocent obviously but that's a long addiction, and she probably already had sexual addiction tendencies. She had been sexually abused and raped. So after months of knashing of teeth and sleepless nights and journal entries and a million tears, I figured out that I can't hate this girl, but she has issues I'll never understand, so I forgave her with help from God, told her we could still be friends, and overall I came to peace with it- it actually made me feel far better to forgive her and be friends than to hate her and move on. And trust me, I hated her for a season, as any normal male human being would do in the same situation. And I learned I was not alone, that there are many dudes that went through very similar ordeals, that blew me away, because I thought my situation was so terrible it had to be unique.
That's the background and here is my question, that I am begging anyone that has experience in to help me with.
She threw me for a loop when she came back at me, as friends, after I had finally completely dealt with the pain, that she wanted to be more than friends again. That she was so sorry for the damage she caused and wants us to start again.
My first reaction was of course not, the damage was forgiven but repairable on that level? No way. And there's no way I'm jumping in again without thorough thought. BTW I am above average looking (no George Clooney but athletic, well rounded, grad school degree, good job) but I am 40 now.
So I'm not super worried about finding another girl. A hassle and frustrating because I was all in with this girl - and I REALLY loved this girl and I am intrigued, she makes me happy and if it weren't for the crazy cheating, however brutal, but if I could move past that, I wouldn't even have a problem with getting serious with a recovering addict, that's how much I loved her.
So when I asked her what her game plan was when she got high, however rarely, even if I was around (that never mattered, turns out it turned them on knowing I was close by), to frankly, be able to not have sex with ugly strange men i.e. control herself when confronted with a powerful temptation (she, outrageously was the one that approached the men and was totally easy, she was not preyed on, maybe taken advantage of, but she threw herself at these guys- which to me makes it seems even harder, it would seem easier to play defense because there's no way to catch someone that really wants to cheat).
Aside from how stupid? that would make me after all the lies and cheating and pain, I get that, I'm not seriously not stupid. And my heart is at least considering it CAREFULLY.
I was expecting her to say something like, whenever she gets high she needs me to put her on 24 hour a day lock down i.e. I shadow her until she is safe again. Not really a big deal for me actually - I mean I have NO desire to be some jealous overbearing boyfriend, yuck! But I'd liken it to maybe if I want to get loose at a Super Bowl Party and end up drinking too much I would appreciate my girl watching my back so I don't do or say something stupid and then drive me home safely.
Or maybe I expected her to say she had a sponsor or something or would always be in the presence of girls or never be alone without another girl or me around etc. I mean if she was motivated, nothing would stop her (and strangely hated that I caught her with recordings and the men told on her-actually most if them, ugly dudes! admitted to hating her and telling me that SHE was ugly and homely and masculine, etc. I thought in a way if was helping her so she could get better?).
I don't know exactly what I expected but her answer was not very "comforting" but again I WOULD NOT KNOW. And that is frustrating the heck out of me. Are there any "success stories" out there?
She (her answer and game plan) said that (1) she had a radical religious experience that changed her whole perspective, that made her not an addict or enslaved to meth's evil or the evil it caused her to do and (2) she NOW could control her sexual addiction (again caused and elevated by using).
To her defense she is making an effort to surround herself with girls that are friends (of course she had tons of male friends during our 3 1/2 years together, I know duh a red flag), and she proactively vowed to never be in the same house alone with a man or take showers, change clothes, etc. And she is also VERY motivated she told me to keep me as her boyfriend and eventually husband. She is sincerely apologetic. And she, like me, could pretty easily find another mate, but I must admit it would be very lucky to find someone I loved as much.
BUT to my inexperienced non addict mind, that sounds absolutely impossible. I found during my research that even mature religious Christians that are ex-addicts still need significant consistent help. It doesn't sound right that she could turn it off like that, simple is OK but that sounds naive and childish.
Sorry so long but this is the most important decision I have ever made. Is her game plan realistic? I mean it's more than just a mind switch, she wants to make life changes, be religious, remove herself from vulnerable circumstances, asking for help from me when needed, be truthful, etc. And this isn't an ordinary girl, she is beautiful and aside from this crazy issue, is an amazing catch and I have never loved a girl more and the connection is amazing. If it wasn't for that I'd of course say forget it girl, friends but I deserve better like everyone has told me.
Is she crazy or am I missing something important? I know she has a strong will and if she can manage this, she is worth it, very worth it. But my heart simply can't take another bashing, and just one slip up, I mean even a kiss on the lips, let alone crazy stranger sex in casino restrooms, would destroy me. So if she can do it, I can commit, albeit slowly, very slowly and cautiously. But it if she has no chance, just a lamb before wolves without a radical change, am I an idiot? Or can this be done, with her game plan, and we reconnect again and live happily ever after? She a strong and motivated girl.
Any experience with this or help? THANKS!
There were red flags over the years obviously, but I was crazy, and blindly in love- but the crazy thing was that this girl is really good looking, good genes maybe, but she looked nothing like the seasoned tweakers that I despised and she kept close company with- just roguish looking, missing teeth, bad skin, bad hair, fat or abhorrently thin, etc. BUT the men she hooked up with were fat, ugly losers (always fellow tweakers). And I fell for her hard, as crazy as it sounds literally months away from asking her to marry me.
I was devastated and my heart crushed. Long story short I finally reconciled that no human being could act so evil to their worst enemy, let alone someone she cared about i.e. it was the drugs- she was not innocent obviously but that's a long addiction, and she probably already had sexual addiction tendencies. She had been sexually abused and raped. So after months of knashing of teeth and sleepless nights and journal entries and a million tears, I figured out that I can't hate this girl, but she has issues I'll never understand, so I forgave her with help from God, told her we could still be friends, and overall I came to peace with it- it actually made me feel far better to forgive her and be friends than to hate her and move on. And trust me, I hated her for a season, as any normal male human being would do in the same situation. And I learned I was not alone, that there are many dudes that went through very similar ordeals, that blew me away, because I thought my situation was so terrible it had to be unique.
That's the background and here is my question, that I am begging anyone that has experience in to help me with.
She threw me for a loop when she came back at me, as friends, after I had finally completely dealt with the pain, that she wanted to be more than friends again. That she was so sorry for the damage she caused and wants us to start again.
My first reaction was of course not, the damage was forgiven but repairable on that level? No way. And there's no way I'm jumping in again without thorough thought. BTW I am above average looking (no George Clooney but athletic, well rounded, grad school degree, good job) but I am 40 now.
So I'm not super worried about finding another girl. A hassle and frustrating because I was all in with this girl - and I REALLY loved this girl and I am intrigued, she makes me happy and if it weren't for the crazy cheating, however brutal, but if I could move past that, I wouldn't even have a problem with getting serious with a recovering addict, that's how much I loved her.
So when I asked her what her game plan was when she got high, however rarely, even if I was around (that never mattered, turns out it turned them on knowing I was close by), to frankly, be able to not have sex with ugly strange men i.e. control herself when confronted with a powerful temptation (she, outrageously was the one that approached the men and was totally easy, she was not preyed on, maybe taken advantage of, but she threw herself at these guys- which to me makes it seems even harder, it would seem easier to play defense because there's no way to catch someone that really wants to cheat).
Aside from how stupid? that would make me after all the lies and cheating and pain, I get that, I'm not seriously not stupid. And my heart is at least considering it CAREFULLY.
I was expecting her to say something like, whenever she gets high she needs me to put her on 24 hour a day lock down i.e. I shadow her until she is safe again. Not really a big deal for me actually - I mean I have NO desire to be some jealous overbearing boyfriend, yuck! But I'd liken it to maybe if I want to get loose at a Super Bowl Party and end up drinking too much I would appreciate my girl watching my back so I don't do or say something stupid and then drive me home safely.
Or maybe I expected her to say she had a sponsor or something or would always be in the presence of girls or never be alone without another girl or me around etc. I mean if she was motivated, nothing would stop her (and strangely hated that I caught her with recordings and the men told on her-actually most if them, ugly dudes! admitted to hating her and telling me that SHE was ugly and homely and masculine, etc. I thought in a way if was helping her so she could get better?).
I don't know exactly what I expected but her answer was not very "comforting" but again I WOULD NOT KNOW. And that is frustrating the heck out of me. Are there any "success stories" out there?
She (her answer and game plan) said that (1) she had a radical religious experience that changed her whole perspective, that made her not an addict or enslaved to meth's evil or the evil it caused her to do and (2) she NOW could control her sexual addiction (again caused and elevated by using).
To her defense she is making an effort to surround herself with girls that are friends (of course she had tons of male friends during our 3 1/2 years together, I know duh a red flag), and she proactively vowed to never be in the same house alone with a man or take showers, change clothes, etc. And she is also VERY motivated she told me to keep me as her boyfriend and eventually husband. She is sincerely apologetic. And she, like me, could pretty easily find another mate, but I must admit it would be very lucky to find someone I loved as much.
BUT to my inexperienced non addict mind, that sounds absolutely impossible. I found during my research that even mature religious Christians that are ex-addicts still need significant consistent help. It doesn't sound right that she could turn it off like that, simple is OK but that sounds naive and childish.
Sorry so long but this is the most important decision I have ever made. Is her game plan realistic? I mean it's more than just a mind switch, she wants to make life changes, be religious, remove herself from vulnerable circumstances, asking for help from me when needed, be truthful, etc. And this isn't an ordinary girl, she is beautiful and aside from this crazy issue, is an amazing catch and I have never loved a girl more and the connection is amazing. If it wasn't for that I'd of course say forget it girl, friends but I deserve better like everyone has told me.
Is she crazy or am I missing something important? I know she has a strong will and if she can manage this, she is worth it, very worth it. But my heart simply can't take another bashing, and just one slip up, I mean even a kiss on the lips, let alone crazy stranger sex in casino restrooms, would destroy me. So if she can do it, I can commit, albeit slowly, very slowly and cautiously. But it if she has no chance, just a lamb before wolves without a radical change, am I an idiot? Or can this be done, with her game plan, and we reconnect again and live happily ever after? She a strong and motivated girl.
Any experience with this or help? THANKS!
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