ShastaSam83
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2024
- Messages
- 1
Hi, I used Bluelight back in the day, but have come back to seek advice.
Bascially I have Mast Cell Activation Syndome (makes you allergic to everything) that was getting so bad it was going to put me and my disabled mom and sister on the street, and me in an institution of some sort where they know noting about the condition, and would likely make it a very slow painful death,
I had been sober 5 years, and decided to try self treating with ketamine after reading some info that it it is a Mast Cell Stablilizer. I was down to 4 foods I could eat and couldnt leave the house due to scents, and still would get moderate to severe anaphylaxis from things I couldn't control often, despite having spent the last ten years working with regular and functional MD's, spending my life savings, and running a medical fundraiser to try to keep going.
The Ketamine was a last resort, shot in the dark, but it surprisingly helped quite a bit, and I was able to hold down a part time job, and possibly in conjunction with some other odd therapies I'll hold off on mentioning here, after 10 years, I am in full remission. I quite the Ketamine after a year (up to 2G a day intranasal) cold turkey, but had started using benzos (etizolam) once a week or so, sometimes more to deal with the the mood swings, and bout of HPPD I am prone to (doctor like to call them 'abnormal audio perceptions'.. but it suddenly feels like I'm immersed in hell and a little benzo would bring me right out).
When I cold turkeyd the K in Sept, I tried to cold turkey the benzos, several days in, and noticed the usual rebound anxiety, but it kept getting worse and worse. And even with Clonadine and tons of herbal and nutritional supplements (apigenin, lemon balm, magnesium, magnolia bark, a special reishi, etc).
The bars I was getting were sold as 'alp' .. but from further research I suspect they were a mix of flualprazolam and and bromazolam .. 3-4 mg possibly.
At first I was taking 9 a day.. 3 in the am, 3 in the afternoon, and 3 before bed.
But I still felt achy and exhausted - the someone gave me a ritalin - and everything felt better. I ended up doing dirty adderall for a month or so before I got cut off due to various issues. But I weaned off of those and after a few days sleep I was fine. No lasting K wd's, no cravings for stims. Just the benzos still staring me in the face.
I got down to 1 a day, then 1/2 a bar a day. Did a couple 1/4 days.
Spoke with my doctor about it extensively, but since none of it was coming up as official benzos in testing, there wasn't much they could do. I tried a rapid diazepam taper early on and it didn't touch it.
Next he's got a 4 day Librium taper ready to go for me. (It's been 7 months now).
I've looked into decarboxylated amanita muscaria extract, and have some of that on hand, but it feels really weird.
I have a bag of pink Etizolam (?) I've been dipping into (short duration seems to confirm it's tiz), and another 2G bag of what was sold as Alp, but seems to have a rather long duration the very few times I've messed with it.. assuming it's likely flualp and bromaz, if not bromaz.
I also go a pg tincture of Rilmazafone thinking from what I read it would be a less addictive and possibly gentler way to step down.
My plan is to turn the powders into tinctures using everclear (only ever done one tiz tincture using PG.. bromaz not soluble in PG well so..) .. although flushing them down the toilet it tempting... so I can volumetrically dose more accurately.
If it were just benzo habituation. that would be one thing, but benzodiazepines are often used as a last line of defense in Mast Cell Activation Syndrome in order to control life threatening anaphylaxis and allow a person a normal life.
I personally want to test out the theory that it's the benzos that sent me into remission, but doing all this while holding a pivotal financial role in my disabled family, and not having the space or privacy to go through withdrawals (I live on a couch the middle of their shared living space, and they are always home, easily traumatized, and will call and have me committed one way or another if I lose control in any way)... makes this especially difficult.
Tomorrow I am seriously considering giving my two weeks notice at my more stressful higher paying job, so I can experiment with withdrawals in job I that will be much less pressure.
I am in contact regularly with my doctor about this, speak with three different counselors now (a bit overkill if you ask me.. but it's part of the the Substance Use Dependency Program).
Since I am at risk of being institutionalized and unable to communicate, I have a humane plan in case that seems to be the impending situation.
I'm just wondering if any of you geniuses might have some advice in my situation. I am in the US. Have medicare. Past history of addiction.
Found myself using not for medical purposes a few times in the last few months for the first time in 5 years... MDMA, cocaine.. out of hopelessness and a need for distraction I think.
Didnt help of course.
Should I quit my high pressure good paying job for a few months, and try to drop this stuff for good wile working less, and hope I get rehired? Or should I continue to head towards the abyss?
I've seen what years of klonopin addiction did to my sister. I've always been terrified of benzos. I was always so careful to avoid them, even when I went through some years of shooting amphetamines and having a complete psychotic break. (6 years ago now.. that's what the HPPD is from).
Apologies this isn't more concise. I feel stuck. But know there aren't any other options really.
Its just, if this doesn't work out, I'm kinda done for, and so is my family.
Anyway, thank you for the help. Apologies for all the wrong everythings I probably did here.
Bascially I have Mast Cell Activation Syndome (makes you allergic to everything) that was getting so bad it was going to put me and my disabled mom and sister on the street, and me in an institution of some sort where they know noting about the condition, and would likely make it a very slow painful death,
I had been sober 5 years, and decided to try self treating with ketamine after reading some info that it it is a Mast Cell Stablilizer. I was down to 4 foods I could eat and couldnt leave the house due to scents, and still would get moderate to severe anaphylaxis from things I couldn't control often, despite having spent the last ten years working with regular and functional MD's, spending my life savings, and running a medical fundraiser to try to keep going.
The Ketamine was a last resort, shot in the dark, but it surprisingly helped quite a bit, and I was able to hold down a part time job, and possibly in conjunction with some other odd therapies I'll hold off on mentioning here, after 10 years, I am in full remission. I quite the Ketamine after a year (up to 2G a day intranasal) cold turkey, but had started using benzos (etizolam) once a week or so, sometimes more to deal with the the mood swings, and bout of HPPD I am prone to (doctor like to call them 'abnormal audio perceptions'.. but it suddenly feels like I'm immersed in hell and a little benzo would bring me right out).
When I cold turkeyd the K in Sept, I tried to cold turkey the benzos, several days in, and noticed the usual rebound anxiety, but it kept getting worse and worse. And even with Clonadine and tons of herbal and nutritional supplements (apigenin, lemon balm, magnesium, magnolia bark, a special reishi, etc).
The bars I was getting were sold as 'alp' .. but from further research I suspect they were a mix of flualprazolam and and bromazolam .. 3-4 mg possibly.
At first I was taking 9 a day.. 3 in the am, 3 in the afternoon, and 3 before bed.
But I still felt achy and exhausted - the someone gave me a ritalin - and everything felt better. I ended up doing dirty adderall for a month or so before I got cut off due to various issues. But I weaned off of those and after a few days sleep I was fine. No lasting K wd's, no cravings for stims. Just the benzos still staring me in the face.
I got down to 1 a day, then 1/2 a bar a day. Did a couple 1/4 days.
Spoke with my doctor about it extensively, but since none of it was coming up as official benzos in testing, there wasn't much they could do. I tried a rapid diazepam taper early on and it didn't touch it.
Next he's got a 4 day Librium taper ready to go for me. (It's been 7 months now).
I've looked into decarboxylated amanita muscaria extract, and have some of that on hand, but it feels really weird.
I have a bag of pink Etizolam (?) I've been dipping into (short duration seems to confirm it's tiz), and another 2G bag of what was sold as Alp, but seems to have a rather long duration the very few times I've messed with it.. assuming it's likely flualp and bromaz, if not bromaz.
I also go a pg tincture of Rilmazafone thinking from what I read it would be a less addictive and possibly gentler way to step down.
My plan is to turn the powders into tinctures using everclear (only ever done one tiz tincture using PG.. bromaz not soluble in PG well so..) .. although flushing them down the toilet it tempting... so I can volumetrically dose more accurately.
If it were just benzo habituation. that would be one thing, but benzodiazepines are often used as a last line of defense in Mast Cell Activation Syndrome in order to control life threatening anaphylaxis and allow a person a normal life.
I personally want to test out the theory that it's the benzos that sent me into remission, but doing all this while holding a pivotal financial role in my disabled family, and not having the space or privacy to go through withdrawals (I live on a couch the middle of their shared living space, and they are always home, easily traumatized, and will call and have me committed one way or another if I lose control in any way)... makes this especially difficult.
Tomorrow I am seriously considering giving my two weeks notice at my more stressful higher paying job, so I can experiment with withdrawals in job I that will be much less pressure.
I am in contact regularly with my doctor about this, speak with three different counselors now (a bit overkill if you ask me.. but it's part of the the Substance Use Dependency Program).
Since I am at risk of being institutionalized and unable to communicate, I have a humane plan in case that seems to be the impending situation.
I'm just wondering if any of you geniuses might have some advice in my situation. I am in the US. Have medicare. Past history of addiction.
Found myself using not for medical purposes a few times in the last few months for the first time in 5 years... MDMA, cocaine.. out of hopelessness and a need for distraction I think.
Didnt help of course.
Should I quit my high pressure good paying job for a few months, and try to drop this stuff for good wile working less, and hope I get rehired? Or should I continue to head towards the abyss?
I've seen what years of klonopin addiction did to my sister. I've always been terrified of benzos. I was always so careful to avoid them, even when I went through some years of shooting amphetamines and having a complete psychotic break. (6 years ago now.. that's what the HPPD is from).
Apologies this isn't more concise. I feel stuck. But know there aren't any other options really.
Its just, if this doesn't work out, I'm kinda done for, and so is my family.
Anyway, thank you for the help. Apologies for all the wrong everythings I probably did here.